The Day I Miscarried

Even with the excitement of preparing for our little ones to arrive soon, there is still a little tug of heartache for the infertility road we traveled and the babies we lost. And September 7th will always be a hard day for me. It's an anniversary I would rather not celebrate, but it's not one that I can ever forget. 

One year ago today, I miscarried 2 of our precious babies. Mike was out of town, and it was the most terrifying and emotionally draining experience in our infertility journey. In many ways, I felt so lost and alone, and yet I can pinpoint it as a time that I physically felt the presence of God. So while I don't enjoy remembering the pain from that day, I will never forget the comfort and love I also felt that day. It was hard to see, but it was nonetheless there. And I am so grateful.

Apparently, God tends to meet me on bathroom floors during medical crises...

The day I went into the hospital with severe Crohn's symptoms, Mike found me curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. I was in the worst physical pain of my life, felt so incredibly sick, and literally thought I might be dying. There was pain, and blood, and tears. From that bathroom floor, I cried out to God in such anguish and need. I remember having the conversation with the Lord, begging Him to just go ahead and take me. It was in that moment, on that bathroom floor in our Leland house that I physically felt the Lord wrap His arms around me, offering comfort and peace.

The day I miscarried, I found myself once again curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Since my miscarriage was so early, I didn't have to have a D&C and miscarried with tolerable pain at home, but it was by far the worst emotional pain of my life. There was pain, and blood, and tears. From that bathroom floor, I cried out to God, begging Him to somehow spare my babies, despite what I knew was happening. It was in that moment, on that bathroom floor in our Sherrye house that I, once again, physically felt the Lord wrap His arms around me, offering comfort and peace.

It has taken many months of prayer and counseling to process our loss. And while the Lord has slowly brought healing and peace, I still feel the emotional loss and will always wonder....what would they have looked like? Who would they have been? For the rest of my life, I will mourn the loss of our babies, as well as all of the milestones that we will never get to experience with them. 

But I will always remember the day that the Lord met me on the bathroom floor. The day He cried with me, held me, whispered how much He loved me. He reminded me that this loss was not hidden from His sight, and that it was just a painful reminder of a broken world. But He also reminded me that His Son bore all the pain of the world so that I could know comfort and peace like nothing else this world could offer. He reminded me that a day is coming when there will be no more Crohn's, no more infertility, no more miscarriage. No more pain, blood, or tears. 

So while September 7th is a difficult day to remember, it is also a good day where we can be reminded that where there is death, God brings life. Where there is loss, in Jesus, there is always gain. We lost our sweet babies, but we gained the knowledge of a good and faithful God. We learned that He is close to the brokenhearted, and He is better than all the good things we could ever lose. 

He is holding our sweet babies now, and He will be our strength and our song for the rest of our days.

{iPhone Rewind} :: August

We decided to have a garage sale before our move to try and earn a little extra cash on some items we wanted to give away. We didn't make very much, but at least we got rid of some stuff!

Sasha waiting for garage salers to come...she wanted to be a part of the early morning action too :)

I am currently obsessed with baked sweet potato fries. It's the closest to the real thing I can have, and I find myself craving these yummy baked fries ALL the time. 

We were watching the Friends episode where Ross can't name all 50 states. Mike and I decided to try our luck at it. I'm embarrassed to say that 2 college educated adults couldn't get all 50 in 6 minutes! If only we had a little more time...  #wearedorks

Guess who was up in the wee hours of the morning to get Baylor tickets as soon as they went on sale?? They sold out so fast last year for the inaugural season in McLane stadium, so I wanted to be sure we got tickets this year. Can't wait to see a Baylor game this fall!

Mike told me he ordered a new game for us. When he said it was a game about mushrooms, I was highly skeptical. And even reading the instructions for the game made me wonder what we got ourselves into. But once we started playing {and I got past the ridiculous lingo}, we actually enjoyed it! It's nice to have other game options for two :)

I got to try the new Tom + Chee in Richardson {Shark Tank, anyone??} It's a gourmet grilled cheese and tomato soup restaurant, and it's awesome! :)

We decided to paint the new house! It was exciting at first, but then I realized how difficult it is to actually narrow down colors. 

We finally settled on some blue-gray colors and we recruited our brothers to help us on painting day. We also decided to repaint the fireplace, and that was a HUGE undertaking. But we are so excited about how it turned out! {photos to come in a later post}

We had a women's ministry kickoff event, and some of the leaders made sure to have a little fun with a little Shake it Off action. Gotta love women's ministry ;)

How sad is it that I have so many pharmacies in my contacts list? Oh the life of someone with Crohn's and endometriosis...  #notafan #butthankfulformedicine

This goofy pup absolutely LOVES going to granny's house! In order to make things a little easier {on us and her} during the move, we decided to let her go spend the weekend with granny. She was definitely excited :)

Mike's brother has been raving about a donut shop in Allen, so we decided to try it. I can't eat donuts, but I tried a bite, and they are delicious. You know they have to be good when the line is out the door! 

Goodbye Leland

Today we loaded the moving truck and said goodbye to our first home. We made so many memories in that little house, and I was surprised at how sad I really was to leave.

This little home was a blessing to us from the start. We learned it would be coming on the market for rent a few days early, so we were able to jump on the opportunity fairly quickly. As soon-to-be-newlyweds, we were more than giddy about our first home together. I instantly fell in love with the cute little blue house with the red door. We were even able to take our engagement pictures in the empty space, and I just LOVE having that as a memory.

We also fell in love with the neighborhood and set out to get to know our neighbors. We became close with several of them over the next 4 years, and we are so thankful for the relationships and gospel opportunities we have had. We grew to love the neighborhood kids who would hang out and play in our front yard...even the mischievous ones ;)

This home was far from perfect. The foundation shifted constantly and our maintenance guy's go-to remedy was to shave the doors {imagine uneven, gaping doors all over the house}. The floors creaked and moved, so you could never move around quietly, no matter how hard you tried. Our water pressure was quirky, so you couldn't run the dishwasher/washing machine if you wanted to take a shower or vice versa. 

Remember when the lightening struck in the empty lot next door? Or when the mice took over our laundry room? Or worse, the opossums invaded? The neighborhood kitties and bunnies didn't seem so bad then. Or how about the time we had that spewing poop hole in our backyard, and we had to move out for several days because they unearthed our backyard? Or the time that we had a gas leak and our front yard and driveway were ripped up in the middle of the torrential month-long downpour, and the naughty neighborhood kids rode their bikes through the fresh cement? Good times :)

But despite all of its "charm," this home holds great memories. In this home we...

• Celebrated our first Christmas and our first anniversary together
• Started, grew, deepened, and strengthened the foundation of our marriage
• Started a church
• Hosted countless Bible studies, Pinterest parties, Pumpkin Carving events, neighborhood Christmas parties, Driveway BBQs, and dinners
• Counseled, discipled, encouraged, prayed for, and {hopefully} loved many people well
• Learned to lean on and trust the Lord through difficult circumstances related to Crohn's, infertility, closing our church, and other related transitions

Leland Avenue was home to us for 4 years, and we are so thankful that this is where the Lord placed us. It was not our plan to leave so soon, but we will forever be grateful for the opportunity we had to live, love, and serve in this place. We pray that He uses us that much more in our next home.

{iPhone Rewind} :: July

It had been awhile since I updated our Ebenezer Stone collection, so I sat down to reflect on what we needed to add. The Lord has been so good to us, and it was a good reminder of all that He has done!

I received all sorts of kind words and well wishes on my last day of work. These flowers were a sweet farewell, but was only the beginning for the bittersweet day. 

By far the best message I received on my last day. It may not seem like much, but from this amazing boss {a man of few words}, it means everything :)

And the best surprise of all? The fun celebration I came home to from my hubby. Perfect ending to a lot of hard work :)

I took the plunge and chopped my hair off {again!} I have wanted to get to this length for awhile now, but was too chicken to just do it all at once, so I have been slowly getting shorter. It's taking a little getting used to, as I can't put it in a ponytail anymore, but I really do love it. It's a GREAT summer cut!

You can call me the cat lady :) I took care of several people's cats this month while they were out of town. Sweet Kane was missing his family, and was MORE than excited to see a person :)

We got A LOT of time with this little one this month! We got to play babysitter while Lindsay was getting a haircut. So we had yogurt, played in the kiddie maze, and ran around in the hot sun until we were all exhausted. It was awesome :)

We had an impromptu dinner/game night with the Daniels, and it was so much fun! Laura and I try to see each other one a week or every other week, but it's harder to get our schedules to match for us to get together as couples. So this was a fun treat! I am SO excited about moving closer to them next month!!

I realize this is ridiculous, but it was SO exciting to have real signs for our exit! We have had all kinds of makeshift signs for the entire time we have lived in McKinney. The construction continues, but it's fun to see progress!

Packing is now officially in full swing! It's so weird to be packing up our little house...but we're looking forward to the new place!

High Five for Friday!

{one} I haven't done a High Five for Friday! post since February...I didn't realize it had been so long! There hasn't really been much to report; we have been busy, but just the usual busy. Lucky for you, I decided it was time to do a little catch up :)

{two} Mike's new job is going really well! They had hired him with the intention of moving him through a training program for a higher position over the coming months. By God's grace, they have already promoted him, and starting Monday, he will be a Senior Director of Church Partnerships. Because he's awesome. And Jesus is good. We are so thankful for how He has provided for us, and I am so proud of my hubby!

{three} Speaking of Mike's new job...one of the benefits is his new work schedule. He works a little longer hours during the week and only has to work half days on Fridays {so jealous}. Because of that, they talk about how Thursdays are "Friday Jr." So I decided I wanted to adopt that phrasing too. So Thursdays are now deemed Friday Jr, and Fridays are, well, Friday :)  It may seem silly, but it really helps to mentally finish out the week strong. So high five for Fridays {and Friday Jrs!}

{four} Our poor little lawn. After the whole gas leak/front yard debacle, we finally got the driveway fixed and new grass put in. But we're pretty sure they put in dead grass. They keep assuring us that if we water it, it will grow back...but we'll see. Poor sad little lawn.

{five} My parents have been in town all week, which has been fun! They came in last weekend, so we got to spend time with both my mom and dad. My dad had to attend the BSF Institute training for the new Revelation study in Dallas, so he headed off to that, and my mom stayed with us. Even though we have had to go to work every day, it has still been fun to have my mom there when I'm getting ready in the morning, and then to have the evenings to hang out with her. We have also been able to go to lunch together a few days. We will get to spend the rest of this weekend with my dad and brother, so we will have a good dose of family time! 

{iPhone Rewind} :: May

Some days, you just have to soak up the sun! Sasha and I enjoyed a lot of lunches outside :)

McKinney had a community garage sale and craft fair, so I headed out to check things out. I didn't find anything worth buying, but it was fun to be out in the beautiful weather.

I have been trying to keep my nails painted on a regular basis {keeps them stronger!}, and I have really liked this matte top coat. Such a fun and different look!

Obviously I was wasting time and thought I would run our photo through the #HowOldRobot that has been floating around the inter webs...we must be old souls :)  {I want a photo of us when we are actually 59 and 51}

When you open your purse and find cookies stashed and realize you have the best husband in the world. #lovehim

I always take a photo of the flowers my hubby gives me...since they die so quickly, I want to have them {at least in photo form} forever!

We were awakened at 2 a.m. one morning to Atmos Energy digging in our yard. Apparently there was a gas leak, so they had to dig up our entire front yard and part of our driveway. At one point, we had 2 backhoes in our yard. With all the rain we have had, it was no short of a muddy mess!

{iPhone Rewind} :: April

I bought this fun machine with a Christmas bonus, and I have slowly started using it. It's the most AWESOME thing ever, and I am so excited about all the fun projects I can do with it! #silhouettecameo

Lindsay surprised Ben with tickets to the Stars Game for his birthday, and we got to tag along to celebrate! We had such a fun time at the game...though if I'm honest, it had nothing to do with what was happening on the ice and everything to do with the tiny fan sitting next to me...even if she did pee in my lap :)  #nojoke #goodthingsheiscute  I mean, come on...do you know a cuter little fan?? She loves her daddy and hockey :) #lovemyniece

I was excited to get this book in the mail! I read her book on marriage last year, and I am loving her new book on friendship :)  #nobodyscuterthanyoulaura

We headed out to the ballpark for the Rough Riders opening day. We had a fun time with sweet friends, and we were excited to be a part of Moses' first baseball game! :)

Sasha re-discovered her tennis ball {we found it under the couch}, and she has wanted to play non-stop! I heard the tennis ball dropping over and over again and thought Mike was playing with her. But when I turned the corner, I realized she was just waiting for someone to come play! Silly pup!

We headed out to a Tulip Farm for a fun day date. It was free and only a 40 minute drive from our house. Not going to lie...it was a slight disappointment. We definitely went too late in the season because there wasn't much left and the flowers were already dying. But it was a fun date with my love, and is something we want to go back to earlier in the season next year!

We had a 4-legged house guest for a few days, and he was absolutely adorable! Crosby came to stay with us while his parents went out of town, and we enjoyed having him. He sure missed his mama, but was the sweetest puppy and the best cuddler. Sasha wasn't too sure about him, but they got along well enough.

I chopped my hair off this month. I had been contemplating going shorter for awhile, and I finally took the plunge. It was time for a change, and I have always liked my hair short.

Mike and I went on our first date 5 years ago. We decided to go back to where it all started, so we headed to Cafe Brazil for dinner. It was fun to think back to that first date, and we are so thankful for the past 5 years together.

The GORGEOUS flowers that I received from the executives for Administrative Professionals Day- so sweet! They were absolutely beautiful and smelled even more amazing :)

For the third year in a row, I was part of the IB Team for the MEF Spelling Bee, but this year I had 2 new teammates! We decided to get crafty to create our team outfit, so we took over a conference room over lunch and pulled out all our craft supplies :)

Sasha sure loves Mike...he is quite possibly her favorite person in the whole world. Which is funny, considering that she HATED him when we were dating. I will be the one petting her, and she will be looking to him. #traitor

#TeamIB at the MEF Spelling Bee! We didn't win, but we had a lot of fun, and had a fantastic cheering table! :)

Ya'll. The second to last day of APRIL, I woke up to this. Feels like 43. What in the world??  We definitely hit some records with the low temps so late in the year. Come on for-real warm weather!!

The last couple of weeks have been hard...with all the unknowns and all the waiting, I have just felt so overwhelmed and in a funk. On one of my particularly low days, I received this sweet card and gift from Laura. I'm so thankful for this sweet girl; she patiently listens to my crazy and knows just how to encourage and challenge me. 

Our sweet neighbor works at Nothing Bundt Cakes and is always bringing us stuff from the bakery. This month, he brought over extra baking ingredients! When they feature a certain flavor for a month, they don't continue making it, and a lot of times have unused ingredients. So now we have 5 pounds of peanut butter chips and more peanut butter...so awesome! :)