In a Moment

Most of us are aware that life can change in a moment. We go about our lives, busy with our day-to-day, and then something happens that forever changes the course of what we knew. We can look back and mark it as the moment that changed everything. 

Some moments are the good kind...

...you have been accepted {into X University}!

...we would like to extend the job offer.

...Will you marry me?

...You're {finally} pregnant!

They are life-altering, and when you look back at those sweet and sometimes long-awaited or long-prayed-for moments, you understand the gift that they are. That your life is as beautiful and amazing as it is because of those moments. You can't imagine your life being any other way without those moments. Those are the moments that make life full of joy and beauty and wonder, and you can't help but praise God for all of the gifts that He has bestowed on you. 

Some moments are the hard kind, but still the ones meant to make us stronger people. Meant to grow our faith and forge our character...

...you will live with this disease for the rest of your life.

...we are going to have to let you go.

...your treatment has been denied.

They can be life-altering too, and you wonder what God is doing. Sometimes you pray, and the Lord is gracious to answer and remove the hardship. But sometimes, His answer is "wait," or even "no," and you are forced to wrestle with His sovereignty. You are reminded of His goodness despite the hardships you face, knowing that He is doing something in your heart to make you more like Him. It's not always easy to endure, and you may often feel weary, but you push on toward the goal of spiritual maturity and the abundant life with Christ. You ask for His power to praise His name through the difficulties, looking in hope to the glory that awaits.

And then. And then there are those moments that knock the breath out of you...

...you have lost the baby.

...they don't think he's going to make it.

...his heart has stopped.

These are the moments when your whole world stops, and you aren't quite sure if you will recover. Because you don't feel strong enough to survive it. You have faced hard things before, but this? This is different... These moments will replay over and over in your mind; they will even show up {uninvited} in your dreams. You will wish with all of your heart that you could just go back to the time before that moment that changed everything. You will plead with God why He had to allow that moment to even happen. Your soul will cry out with a deep ache and longing, and there will often not even be words, because what do you even say in those moments?

Today marks the one year anniversary of saying "see you soon" to my brother. In a moment, everything changed for my family. In a moment, my parents lost their only son, and I became an only child. In a moment, I lost my first friend. As I have been anticipating this anniversary, the moments of that weekend have been replaying in my head again, almost to the intensity that they did in those early days. The texts from my mom. The phone call from my dad. The lonely moments on the plane. The suffocating moments in the hospital. The last moments in the OR. The moments planning the funeral. 

So many moments that will forever be etched on my brain, the kind of moments that should never be. Because it's not supposed to be this way. A parent should never have to bury their child; it's not the natural order of things. I should have my brother by my side for the days ahead. He was too young. Death and darkness were never the way it was supposed to be. 

I have said more than once in this grief journey that I do not understand how people grieve without Jesus; this is hard enough with Him. The gift that I have is that I don't have to grieve alone or without hope. In His loving kindness, God has gently reminded me of some other important moments that changed everything. Moments that make it possible to wake up and face these hard days...

...the light has come into the world.

...it is finished.

...he is not here, for he has risen!

Death and darkness were not the plan. But because of sin, death and darkness are the realities that we face in this world. But God, in His goodness, and from the beginning, set into motion a rescue plan to redeem all of the terrible things. In a moment, light shone in the darkness, Christ was born into a broken and weary world. In a moment, Christ gave His life to pay the penalty of our sin; our debt was paid in full, He died once for all. In a moment, he conquered death and walked out of the tomb, so that we might have life in Him. It's the life that Michael now enjoys. Our hope as followers of Jesus is that one day, all of the wrong things will be made right, and all of the dark things will be made light. And in another moment,

"Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed." - 1 Corinthians 15:51-52 

I grieve, yes. And right now, it's heavy and complicated and exhausting. But I have hope that in a moment, I will be reunited with my brother {and with the babies we lost!} In a moment, all of my tears will be dried, all of my pain will be gone forever. And I, too, will be forever with our Savior, who has so graciously and gently walked beside me in every moment of my life...the good, the hard, and the ones that have knocked the breath out of me.

A precious moment in time

What the Lord Has Taught Me in Motherhood

The Lord has used motherhood to teach me so much- about myself, about what it means to love and sacrifice for others, about Him. It started long before I became a mother, in those long, hard days when my heart ached for nothing more than to become one. In the dark days, when I became one briefly, and then knew too quickly the heartache of saying goodbye too soon. When I carried the title in my heart and womb only, but my arms were still empty and aching for a role that still wasn’t mine. But in that time, I learned to trust the heart of my Savior. While I did not understand His ways or timing, He was teaching me that I could trust His character and heart. He was still good, still working, and still holding me close. 

Then when I finally became a mother, my arms filled with not one but 2 babies, I quickly learned how woefully underprepared I was. I couldn’t rely solely on my type A planner self, because twin babies, who may benefit from that, basically throw all of it out the window. And then when our 3rd baby arrived before the twins were 2 years old, I found myself drowning in the reality that I am not enough. But in that time, I learned, once again, to trust the heart of my Savior. While I like control and self-sufficiency, I had to realize that I am absolutely not enough. But that’s ok, because my Savior is more than enough- for my daily needs, for my babies’ needs, and for us to face whatever the day holds. He is in control, He knows what we need, and I don’t need to worry about any of it.

And today, on this Mother’s Day, I think of my own mom. I think of what an incredible example of love and sacrifice she has been to me over the years. How she has shaped for me the vision of motherhood that I desire for my own children. I am thankful for the legacy of faith and prayer that she passes on. She is the patience, grace, and safe place I pray to be. And even now, I am continuing to learn from her. Because over the last few months, I have watched her and my dad grieve a hurt that no parent should have to. And she has done so still reminding me to trust the heart of my Savior. That while it hurts and we don’t fully understand His plan in all of it, He is still good, still working, still holding us close. 

Today I’m thankful for my mom and the countless ways she has loved me and my brother. And more importantly, how she has always, always, pointed us to Jesus. I’m thankful for the ones who call me mom, who I get to hold in my arms. I hold on just a little bit tighter today, even if it draws a few eye rolls and “you’re squishing me!”s. And I’m thankful that the heart of my Savior can be trusted for every stage of motherhood, whatever comes. That He is always good, always working, always holding me close. 

Embryo Adoption :: Our Journey {2021}

Now that we are on the other side of our infertility story, in the thick of parenting our little ones, I blog only a few times a year about Embryo Adoption. It's not that it's less a part of our lives, it's just a different emphasis. The early part of our Embryo Adoption story was filled with paperwork and appointments and next steps. Now, we focus mainly on parenting, sharing their unique story, and being ready to answer questions when they arise. 

Last year, there was a little understanding of being "teeny tiny embryos, frozen in the "refreezerator." This year we introduced more details about their genetic family, specifically talking more about their genetic siblings. We have only just scratched the surface, and we haven't had many questions. But that's ok. We want to talk about their story and provide opportunities for them to ask questions, but also don't want to push it too much too early. 

January 5, 2021: 1,525 Days of Parenting {a reflection on the other side of infertility/loss}

June 15, 2021: Our Kiddos' Family Tree  

November 25, 2021: Embryo Adoption Awareness Day {I shared some books about Embryo Adoption}

As always, we are thankful for our snowflake babies and for the sweet genetic family that made our family possible. I'm thankful that they are excited to learn about their origins; it's exciting for them to know they were teeny, tiny embryos, and that they have another brother and a sister. But I also know that the excitement mostly comes from a place of very limited understanding for what that means. As they grow and learn and begin having a deeper understanding of their origins, we are praying for the Lord's guidance on how to navigate those conversations.

Our Infertility Story

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week {April 18-24, 2021}. The goal of the week is to raise awareness, share stories, educate, de-stigmatize. 1 in 8 couples walk the road of infertility, so chances are, you know someone who is struggling. They may not have shared with you about their struggle; there are so many that struggle in silence. It took me a couple of years before I felt comfortable sharing our story.

Every story is different, but a lot of the emotions and experiences are similar. The struggle to build a family and the shame or fear that comes in that process. The feelings of loss and failure. The grief. The invasion of privacy. The waiting. The mountain of decisions. The triggers. 

But when we share our stories, I believe it helps others who are on a similar path feel a little less alone, a little more understood. I know it helped me to read other people's stories when we were in the thick of it all. And so I share mine today. I have blogged about our journey on multiple occasions, but this is a high-level view:

I am lucky to be "on the other side," now chasing after our 3 crazy kiddos. But when I look back on our journey, distilled down to these brief bullet points, it brings all of the emotions back. And I am reminded of all that it took to get here. I realize how far we have come, how hard we had to fight, how much of a miracle it is that we're here.

Not everyone's journey ends the same, but there is hope and help, and you are not alone. Now that I am able to look back on our journey {rather than be in the midst of it}, I am filled with gratitude for all that the Lord has done. How he walked with us, guiding every decision and comforting us in every heartbreaking moment. How he provided a beautiful way for us to build our family. And how He used that time to grow us and draw us closer to Him. I have often said that I would have never chosen the path we were placed on, but now, looking back, I wouldn't change a single part of it. And I am so thankful for the beautiful rainbows that came after our storm. 

1,525 Days of Parenting

We prayed for 1,095 days before we saw our first positive pregnancy test {but unfortunately, we miscarried}.

We got another positive pregnancy test on day 1,294 {and thankfully BOTH babies were born healthy!} 

It was day 1,345 before we made a public announcement.

We met Eli and Maddie on day 1,524. {And we met Aiden on day 2,186}.

And today marks day 1,525 of parenting.

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I know it seems crazy that I count days like this, but these numbers mean something to me. They represent a season of our lives where we struggled, and we labored, and we prayed. A season that we were not sure would end in the way we were hoping. It was 4 years of our lives; 4 years that challenged and changed us.

And while it was a long hard road through infertility and loss, we got our rainbows at the end of the storm! The Lord was faithful to walk with us through the valley, and He has brought an indescribable joy in our 3 little ones. We have been in the messy chaos of parenting, and sometimes it's still hard to believe that we're finally here, finally parenting the babies for which we prayed and longed.

We will forever be thankful for Embryo Adoption, and how the Lord orchestrated our story. It's how the Lord chose to make us parents, and every time I share our story, I am still amazed at all that the Lord has done.

Today marks "the other side." We have officially been parenting longer than we struggled to become parents. It reminds me of how long our original journey was, but also reminds me of how the Lord takes us through seasons. In the midst of the heartache and the uncertainty, it was really hard to imagine being on this side of it. I dreamed of today, but it was really hard to see how it would actually happen. And yet, here I am. On the other side. In an entirely new season.

So on the hard days {because parenting is amazing, but parenting is hard!}, I can remind myself that the Lord is just as faithful now as He was 4, 6, and 8 years ago. That what I think is hard now is just part of this particular season. I will look back on this time at some point in the next season, able to see better all that the Lord has done. Because in every season, He is always working, always faithful, and always good.

I really love Nichole Nordeman's song Every Season. It's a reminder of how the Lord works in various seasons. I pray that I can always keep my eyes on Him, in every season, submitting to the ways He is making me new for His purposes.

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

So here's to being on the "other side" of infertility and loss. To this season of parenting 3 little ones {in the middle of a pandemic, while not feeling well, in a new state}. May I trust the Lord with all He has to teach me, and may I learn to offer thanks for what has been and is to come.

1 in 4 {and 1 in 8}

Instagram @ohinfertileme

When you scroll through my blog or my social media pages, you see pictures of my 3 kiddos. They're pretty much all I post about these days. Happy, smiling little faces; you see a content and full family. If you walk by me on the street, you may assume that the woman who has her hands full of 3 toddlers is probably a Fertile Myrtle. But unless you know our story, you can't see the years of heartache and loss that we endured to get here. You can’t see the struggle and heart-wrenching battle that brought us our precious family. That these 3 precious babies came after countless doctor appointments, disappointments, shots, prayers...and several losses. When we were walking the road of infertility and loss, I couldn’t help but look around me at how seemingly easy everyone else got pregnant. I was constantly reminded of how my body was broken and, once again, not doing what it was “supposed” to do. And when we chose to pursue Embryo Adoption, I never dreamed that we would adopt 6 embryos, only to be left empty handed and devastated.

While our losses were early, it doesn’t change the fact that we didn’t just lose a chance at getting/staying pregnant. We lost our babies. The precious little ones for whom we had desperately prayed and longed. I am so glad that we decided to try again, so grateful for our Eli, Maddie, and Aiden. But I still often think about the babies we lost. The 6 we lost in our initial adoption, and the 1 we lost between the twins and Aiden. What would they have looked like? Who would they have been? How would they have fit into our family?

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. For those of us who have experienced loss, we don’t need a day to be aware of our loss; that’s very real to us every day. But it is a chance to share our stories, talk about our losses, and honor the precious lives that we lost too soon. So today I want to say my babies’ names:

Jack and Jill- lost July 20, 2015

Amy and Noah- lost August 19, 2015

Annie and Hope- lost September 7, 2015

Connor- lost November 13, 2017

I know there are so many women grieving their babies. Some wondering if it will ever be their turn, some not understanding why this has happened again. You walk by the frazzled mama with her hands full of babies and wonder why you can’t have that. Wonder why it seems so easy for everyone else. Wish people could just stop asking when you’ll have a baby, or why you haven’t given your child a sibling yet. Wish you could forget that dreadful day “I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat.” Feel the aching emptiness where their little body once wiggled inside. Know the devastation of holding your baby in your arms but not being able to take them home...

To these brave women, I want to say that you are loved and you are not alone. Your babies are precious and are not forgotten. No matter what stage you experienced your loss, your grief and your pain are valid, and it won't always be this hard. I don't know if it ever fully goes away, but there can be brighter days ahead. The Lord has been an incredible source of comfort and healing to me, and I pray that you can know the same. I pray that you can know the depths of His love for you, that you can experience His care and comforting presence in your own grief. 

Why I Wear Orange

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week {April 19-25, 2020}. While we are now parenting on the other side of infertility, it's still a topic that is close to my heart. It's part of our story, and the journey we walked before we became parents through Embryo Adoption. There has certainly been healing since we were walking the dark days of infertility, but the scars still remain. 

One in eight couples experience infertility. So even if it's not an experience you have personally faced, you probably know someone, even if they don't make it known to you. Facing the news that you will not be able to build the family that you dreamed about the way you had hoped is devastating and life changing. Even "on the other side," I have to admit that surprise pregnancy announcements still sting a little, and I still grieve the loss of our own genetic child. The pain is not as raw now as it once was, but I still feel the ache in my heart sometimes. And I don't think that will ever go away. 

While you're walking through infertility, you can feel so alone. It seems as though everyone around you is getting pregnant, and so easily. Why does it seem so hard for you? But month after month passes by, and you are constantly left with a negative pregnancy test, wondering when {and even more scarily, if} it will ever be "your turn." 

One of the things I am grateful for in our journey is all of the people we talked with who could say "me too." There is something comforting and empowering knowing, for a fact, that you are not alone. Don't get me wrong...it still felt lonely. Because the people closest to me weren't walking the same road and couldn't relate, no matter how hard they tried. But along the way, we met so many couples that felt the sting of infertility, struggled with the financial aspect of building a family, and just simply understood what it meant to be infertile. I am so grateful for those relationships, for the men and women who opened up their private lives to mere strangers, willing to share their story. 

And I pray every day that I can do the same for others. The Lord has placed numerous people in my life with whom I have been able to share our story. Even at the risk of being the weirdo stranger, I have reached out just to let them know they're not alone, and I am available to talk if they needed. Some people never responded, and I can understand that. Infertility is such an intimate thing. But the vast majority have responded, and I pray that our story has been an encouragement to them. I have prayed alongside countless couples, through their appointments and procedures or in their monthly waiting, and have had the privilege of grieving with them in their losses and rejoicing over the babies the Lord has provided. 

There are so many "unfair" things on the infertility road. It's unfair that you can't get pregnant, but your brother just has to look at his wife and BAM! they're pregnant. Again. It's unfair that you have to shell out thousands of dollars just to have a chance at getting pregnant. It's unfair that you do everything right, go through all the tests and procedures, only to miscarry. It's unfair that there is no insurance coverage for fertility treatments. It's unfair that you have to wait another month because you already depleted your savings, or your hormone levels aren't right, or you simply can't get the time off work to go to that appointment. And right now, I am thinking about and grieving with all the couples whose cycles, procedures, appointments have been cancelled because of all this COVID-19 mess. Just one more unfair thing on this road. 

So today, I wear orange for them. For all the couples still walking the heartbreaking and exhausting road of infertility. For the couples that just heard the life-changing diagnosis of infertility. For the couples grieving the loss of the family for which they hoped. For the couples exhausted from all the trying, the appointments, the procedures, the negative pregnancy tests. For the couples whose doctor appointments and procedures have been put on hold yet again. 

You are not alone. I see you, I grieve with you. And I'm "on the other side," hoping that you can hear me when I say that it gets better. This journey will definitely change you, but if you let it, it will make you stronger. This won't always be your life. You will be ok.

Embryo Adoption :: Our Journey {2019}

As I mentioned last year, the journey to building our family has come to an end. But there is still so much left to write in our Embryo Adoption story! We are now in the thick of parenting 3 snowflake children. We have shared their unique story with them since they were tiny babies, but even now at 3 years old, Eli and Maddie are starting to put together pieces of their story. I am trying to prepare myself for the questions that are inevitably coming!

Here are a few posts I wrote this year, that relate to Embryo Adoption...

April 3, 2019: The Beauty of a Snowflake {we got to share our story on our agency's website}

October 15, 2019: Carried for a Moment 

November 25, 2019: Embryo Adoption Awareness Day {list of children's books about embryo donation/adoption}

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I may not have as many links as in prior years, but more of our time now is spent on parenting, and not specifically the journey of building our family. So while Embryo Adoption is a big part of our kids' stories, it is only a part of their story. There will inevitably be conversations that are unique to our kids only, but right now we get the joy of just being parents. And that is the most incredible gift that Embryo Adoption has given to us.

Carried for a Moment

Jack * Jill * Amy * Noah * Annie * Hope * Connor

Today marks the 5th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day that we have recognized for our own losses. It's hard to believe that it has been 5 years since we received our official "infertile" diagnosis, 5 years since the start of our journey through embryo adoption. As I read back through our past remembrances {2015, 2016, 2017, 2018}, I was overwhelmed by God's loving-kindness to us.

Our journey through embryo adoption is one that I will forever cherish, because through it, we saw God's loving hand guide and form our family. Even as we rejoice over the gifts of Eli, Maddie, and Aiden, I still have an ache in my heart for the little ones we lost. The ache has certainly diminished over time, and I expect God will allow time to continue to heal. The heartbreak of infertility and loss will always be a part of our story, and I wonder how long those past pains will linger. I do know that the Lord has and will continue to use our story, and for that, I am thankful.

It was a long, difficult journey, one that brought its own set of heartaches that we didn't expect. But as I watch my babies run and play and laugh, I am thankful for all of the beauty God formed from the ashes. The Lord has healed our hearts in countless ways, and I am forever grateful for all He has done. It has been humbling to see and feel the Lord's redemption of our family. Who gets to say that they have 3 living, breathing, tangible proofs of God's faithfulness and grace?

So as I pause today to remember our sweet little ones that we carried only for a moment, I remember the goodness of God. I remember that life is a precious gift from our Creator, that every life has value. I remember God's loving, gracious hand that walked with us in those dark moments of loss and despair. I remember the hope and hurt and healing that God has used to draw us closer to Him and to show His glory in our lives. I remember those still in the waiting, the wondering, the pain, the loss. I remember that my God is able, more than "able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think." {Ephesians 3:20}

Embryo Adoption :: Our Journey {2018 Part 2}

For 2018, we focused on chasing around Eli and Maddie, and welcoming Aiden into our family! We are forever thankful for the gift of Embryo Adoption, and it's crazy to think that our journey to building our family has come to a close.

**I only provided links for my first 13 weeks of a baby bump in the previous 2018 post, since we didn't make any public announcements until after that. The rest of my pregnancy weeks can be found further in the list below :) **

March 2, 2018: Embryo Adoption :: Snowflake Baby #3

March 9, 2018: Another ER Visit

March 13, 2018: Doctor Follow Up

March 30, 2018: Anatomy Scan + Name Reveal

April 27, 2018: Checking In on Aiden

May 5, 2018: I picked out Aiden's nursery fabric! :)

May 22, 2018: Countdown to Baby Aiden :: 100 Days! 

May 25, 2018: Another OB Visit

June 12, 2018: One Appointment to Rule Them All

August 3, 2018: National Twins Day {relates to EDA because of how we were not surprised by twins}

August 17, 2018: Baby Countdown :: The Waiting Game

August 26, 2018: Aiden is born! {blogged on September 5}

August 30, 2018: Baby Bump- Week by Week // Month by Month {the singleton baby bump with Aiden!}

September 7, 2018: Family of Five

October 15, 2018: Our Angel Babies

November 5, 2018: That Time Jesus Spared My Life {how Jesus protected all of our embryos}

November 25, 2018: Embryo Adoption Awareness Day 

December 11, 2018: Aiden's Thawversary

December 12, 2018: Aiden's Transferversary

December 27, 2018: 496, 497, 604

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In the most basic sense, our Embryo Adoption journey has come to an end. We have given all of our adopted embryos a chance at life, and we will not be pursuing additional embryos. But in other ways, there is still so much more left to write into our Embryo Adoption story. We have 3 beautiful snowflake babies, and now we have the task of parenting these sweet ones. We have already started sharing their unique story with them, and we know that will evolve as the years pass, as their understanding increases, and as their questions arise. I also want to continue being an advocate for the Embryo Adoption community; I want other families to know about this amazing option!

Our Angel Babies

For the past couple of years, I have taken some time on this day to remember our babies in heaven. It is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, so it's fitting to pause and remember the sweet ones we lost too soon. These sweet babies, lost during pregnancy or soon after birth, are affectionately called "Angel Babies."

A few months ago, I was having a conversation with a couple of women, and the subject of miscarriage came up, as one of the women had recently had one. We talked about how it is more common than most people think, realizing that each of us had experienced this loss. One of the women, knowing our story, turned to me and asked, "you have lost, what? Six?" And I quietly corrected her and said "seven." 

Seven.

We have lost seven babies. I knew how many we had lost, but for some reason, it really hit me in that moment. Actually saying it out loud in conversation just seemed to register an extra twinge of grief in my heart. That was seven babies we had hoped and prayed for and wanted, but never got to meet. Seven little lives that we loved and wanted to parent, but for some reason that only Jesus knows, we had to say goodbye before we even really got to say hello.

Now I understand that many of our losses were very early, and would probably not even be considered actual miscarriages by most people. We lost some of our embryos to the thawing process and some just did not implant {so therefore we didn't actually get pregnant, at least not long enough to register on a beta test}. But since we believe that life begins at conception, we believe each tiny embryo was a unique life. So the loss was just the same for us.

It was comforting for me to name each of the embryos that we lost. We did not have our embryos tested for gender, so the names were chosen for their meaning or significance to us. I think about these little ones often, wondering who they would have been. And I find comfort in knowing that Jesus now holds them in His arms. 

So if you would allow me the space to name each of our sweet angel babies here, I would appreciate it...

Jack. This little one was affectionately named {along with Jill} by one of Mike's mentors who had been relentlessly petitioning the Lord on our behalf. Since we transferred 2 embryos, he had been lovingly referring to the 2 tiny embryos as Jack and Jill. Jack was frozen for 8 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. We did not get the joy of a positive pregnancy test. 

Jill. This little one was affectionately named {along with Jack} by one of Mike's mentors who had been relentlessly petitioning the Lord on our behalf. Since we transferred 2 embryos, he had been lovingly referring to the 2 tiny embryos as Jack and Jill. Jill was frozen for 8 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. We did not get the joy of a positive pregnancy test. 

Amy. Means "dearly loved." Amy was frozen for 8 years, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. Unfortunately this tiny one did not survive the thawing process, and therefore did not make it to transfer day.

Noah. Means "rest or peace." Noah was frozen for 8 years, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. This tiny one held on for an extra day after thawing, but did not quite make it to transfer day.

Annie. Means "blessed with grace." We were indeed blessed with grace of this tiny life, even if it was for a short time. This name is our reminder that we are showered with grace from the Lord, and we will still bless his name, even if there is pain in our offering. Annie was frozen for 8.5 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. This tiny one snuggled in tight to confirm a pregnancy test, but unfortunately I miscarried a short time later.

Hope. Named because of the hope and joy we felt when we found out we were pregnant. This name is our reminder that our felt hope and joy may have been taken in the moment, in the specific circumstance, but that our ultimate hope and joy in Jesus can never be taken. Hope was frozen for 8.5 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. This tiny one snuggled in tight to confirm a pregnancy test, but unfortunately I miscarried a short time later.

Connor. Means "much wanted." This little one WAS much wanted, and would have been a full genetic sibling to Eli, Maddie, and Aiden {part of the second genetic family who donated their embryos to us}. Connor was frozen for 8.5 years before transfer date; unfortunately, we did not get the joy of a positive pregnancy test. 

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"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

~ Psalm 139:16

Family of Five

We are beyond thankful for our sweet little family of five {!} Just a few short years ago, we were in the midst of infertility and loss, and we were not sure what the Lord had planned for our family. We dreamed of sweet moments like these, but we were facing the reality of them staying just that: dreams. It was a dark time for our hearts, and it was a challenge to remain joyful in the midst of so much pain and uncertainty. But the Lord was with us every step of the way, graciously walking the difficult road with us, comforting our hearts, leading the way through the valley.

Fast forward a few years, and now we are in the midst of the craziness of 3 kiddos under 2. Life is busy and full and chaotic...and we wouldn't have it any other way. We are so overwhelmed by all that the Lord has gifted to us in these 3 beautiful blessings. We have only to look into their sweet faces and see the beauty and grace and love of our God. We have daily {moment by moment} reminders of how God takes our brokenness and makes us whole. How He redeems even the darkest of stories. How He is faithful to those whom He loves. 

Three beautiful babies is not the end to everyone's infertility story. Oh how I desperately wish it was, because I am so incredibly blessed by what the Lord has provided in these tiny people! But for His children, redemption and love are always the end of God's story. So dear one, if you are still waiting, still struggling, still dreaming...lean into Jesus. He has not forgotten you, and He wants to create beauty out of your ashes too. 

We have been given an incredible gift of grace in how our story has unfolded. We will forever be grateful for Embryo Adoption and how it has helped us build our family. We always keep our donor family at the forefront of our minds, because without their generous gift, we would not have Eli, Maddie, or Aiden. We are thankful for the reminder of God's goodness and faithfulness in our little rainbows after the storm. And we are humbled and grateful for our little family of five. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Aiden Michael :: Meeting Big Brother and Big Sister

It's not lost on me that today is the 3 year anniversary of when I miscarried 2 of our precious babies. I cannot think of a more redemptive blog post than to be writing about our first 2 snowflake babies meeting our 3rd snowflake baby. What an incredible gift of grace! God is so good, and we are so thankful for all that He has done for our family. 

The day after Aiden was born, we had my parents bring Eli and Maddie up to the hospital so they could meet their baby brother. They were pretty hesitant at first. They hadn't seen us, and their world was a little crazy the previous 24 hours, so I am sure they were pretty overwhelmed. I would say that their first meeting was curiously cautious :)

We had sibling presents ready for them, which I think helped ease some of the wariness on that first visit. And it was a good distraction as well. We found a toy semi-truck with 2 race cars for Eli, and it is his absolute favorite possession he owns at the moment. Maddie got a new doll and these multi-colored glasses...she is always trying to wear Eli's glasses, so we figured it was time for her to have her own. She wears them {sometimes multiple pairs} ALL the time. They also each got an I am a Big Brother, I am a Big Sister book, which they love to read!

We had my parents bring them back up to the hospital the next day, after we learned we would be staying another night. They seemed a little more interested in their baby brother, but I think the unfamiliarity of the hospital kept them cautious.

We weren't sure how they would feel when we got home, but I am so excited that they have turned a corner and absolutely ADORE their baby brother. They are constantly asking for "baby?" and want to be near him as much as possible. They are overly interested in all his noises and movements, and we have seen such sweetness from both of them. They give their baby brother kisses, and want to help in any way they can. 

We have particularly seen a sweet and servant heart in Eli, always bringing the baby his burp cloth, diaper, nursing pillow, pretty much whatever he thinks he needs...and it's just about the most precious thing you've ever seen. Maddie loves her baby brother as well, and just might smother him with her affection haha, but she hasn't hit him yet {or at least only once so far}, so we count that as a win :)

Countdown to Baby Aiden :: 100 Days!

I officially have 100 days left until my due date. When I was pregnant with Eli and Maddie, I wrote an overly sappy post about all the sweet moments of my pregnancy. I wanted to remember all that the Lord had done, all the sweet gifts He allowed me to experience.

So now you get an overly sappy post about this pregnancy :)  

A lot of the sweet moments of this pregnancy are the same. Getting to experience pregnancy again is just such a sweet gift, and I have tried to enjoy every moment of it. It has been a little bit harder to focus on this pregnancy, since my days are filled with chasing crazy toddlers. But I often have moments in my day when I feel him kick or see my belly dance, and I just can't help but feel overwhelmed that I get to experience this again.

Some of the sweet moments that are different in this pregnancy...

...carrying only 1 baby! Haha- it's sweet because it has made this pregnancy so much easier on my body. I have mentioned before on my baby bump posts that I don't look any smaller with one, but I definitely feel smaller with one. And that's a HUGE blessing. By this time in my twin pregnancy, I was definitely feeling the weight of carrying two babies. I feel like I have so much more energy and feel less achy this go round, and that is definitely sweet :)

...the benefit of knowing what to expect {for the most part}. I still have the unknown of actually going into labor {which is HUGE}, since I didn't know I was in preterm labor and ended up having to be induced in the end with Eli and Maddie. But everything else seems familiar, and it has been fun to anticipate some of those things. Like knowing what baby flutters and kicks feel like, and knowing the weird things about pregnancy, and knowing how he has been developing along the way. 

...the joy of adding to our family again. There's a joy and excitement over your first. There's a different joy and excitement over adding to your family and giving your first a sibling! So while he still won't be genetically related to me or Mike, he will be genetically related to Eli and Maddie. And we are so thankful for that sweet sibling connection. We have loved getting to watch the beginnings of Eli and Maddie's relationship grow, and we are so excited to see how Aiden fits into that sibling dynamic.

...the excitement of getting to meet this little one. When will we get to meet him? What will be his birth story? Will he come early? Late? Will he look like Eli or Maddie? Or neither? How will he fit into our little family? How will he change our dynamic? We are so excited to meet him, and while we know it will be crazy and hard with 3 under 2 {yikes!}, we just cannot wait to see how he rounds out our little family. 

I can still hardly believe how the Lord was kind enough to allow me another pregnancy. I was told I wouldn't get to experience pregnancy at all. And the Lord has graciously allowed me to experience both a twin AND a singleton pregnancy. How many people in general get to say that, let alone someone with an infertility diagnosis?? 

There are still some bittersweet moments, as this will be my last pregnancy. These will be the last baby kicks I will feel, the last miracle of growing a tiny human inside of me. And there is certainly some grief over that. Not because I necessarily want to be pregnant again. And certainly not because I am ungrateful for all the Lord has already provided. But because there is just such a finality to it all. This will be my last countdown to the arrival of a baby.

And so I want to remember this sweet and precious time. I want to remember all that the Lord has done and given. I want to enjoy the last moments of this pregnancy, and of pregnancy in general. Because the Lord made a way where there literally was no way. He generously gifted the impossible.

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So what will these next {more or less} 100 days look like?

• Finishing unpacking and getting fully settled in our new home.
• Working on Aiden's nursery.
• Preparing Eli and Maddie for the arrival of a baby brother {at least as much as you can prepare toddlers under 2!}.
• Breastfeeding education. I am definitely hoping to try again, so I want to brush up on a few things to help get ready.
• Soaking up sweet time as a family of 4 before we jump into the fun and excitement of being a family of 5!
• Check-ups with my OB {that hopefully remain uneventful and routine}.
• Sleeping long stretches at night :)
• Enjoying the sweetness of feeling life inside my belly.

Thank you, Jesus for your unending blessings. For reminding me to stop and enjoy and remember these sweet moments. Thank you for the incredible gift of these precious moments.