1 in 4 {and 1 in 8}

Instagram @ohinfertileme

When you scroll through my blog or my social media pages, you see pictures of my 3 kiddos. They're pretty much all I post about these days. Happy, smiling little faces; you see a content and full family. If you walk by me on the street, you may assume that the woman who has her hands full of 3 toddlers is probably a Fertile Myrtle. But unless you know our story, you can't see the years of heartache and loss that we endured to get here. You can’t see the struggle and heart-wrenching battle that brought us our precious family. That these 3 precious babies came after countless doctor appointments, disappointments, shots, prayers...and several losses. When we were walking the road of infertility and loss, I couldn’t help but look around me at how seemingly easy everyone else got pregnant. I was constantly reminded of how my body was broken and, once again, not doing what it was “supposed” to do. And when we chose to pursue Embryo Adoption, I never dreamed that we would adopt 6 embryos, only to be left empty handed and devastated.

While our losses were early, it doesn’t change the fact that we didn’t just lose a chance at getting/staying pregnant. We lost our babies. The precious little ones for whom we had desperately prayed and longed. I am so glad that we decided to try again, so grateful for our Eli, Maddie, and Aiden. But I still often think about the babies we lost. The 6 we lost in our initial adoption, and the 1 we lost between the twins and Aiden. What would they have looked like? Who would they have been? How would they have fit into our family?

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. For those of us who have experienced loss, we don’t need a day to be aware of our loss; that’s very real to us every day. But it is a chance to share our stories, talk about our losses, and honor the precious lives that we lost too soon. So today I want to say my babies’ names:

Jack and Jill- lost July 20, 2015

Amy and Noah- lost August 19, 2015

Annie and Hope- lost September 7, 2015

Connor- lost November 13, 2017

I know there are so many women grieving their babies. Some wondering if it will ever be their turn, some not understanding why this has happened again. You walk by the frazzled mama with her hands full of babies and wonder why you can’t have that. Wonder why it seems so easy for everyone else. Wish people could just stop asking when you’ll have a baby, or why you haven’t given your child a sibling yet. Wish you could forget that dreadful day “I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat.” Feel the aching emptiness where their little body once wiggled inside. Know the devastation of holding your baby in your arms but not being able to take them home...

To these brave women, I want to say that you are loved and you are not alone. Your babies are precious and are not forgotten. No matter what stage you experienced your loss, your grief and your pain are valid, and it won't always be this hard. I don't know if it ever fully goes away, but there can be brighter days ahead. The Lord has been an incredible source of comfort and healing to me, and I pray that you can know the same. I pray that you can know the depths of His love for you, that you can experience His care and comforting presence in your own grief.