Monday, October 2, 2006

Brain Overload

So my poor little brain has been doing a lot of thinking in the past week or so. Of course, there is the thinking involved in the massive amounts of studying I do. What else is new. And then there is the thinking involved in my future, what I am going to do with my life, life-altering decisions, God's will...the hard stuff. I was really excited about the whole consulting sounded like a great opportunity and involved a lot of things that I know I would like. And yet there was something in the back of my mind that kept bothering me about the whole thing. I couldn't really put my finger on it. Oh, but my dad was able to. My dad is good at that. I feel like every major decision I make has to go through dad first. Not for permission...but for approval, confirmation, encouragement, direction. He always has fatherly words of wisdom to impart and this time was no exception.

I was going on and on about all the "wonderful and exciting opportunities." He listened, agreed, and then said, "That does sound great! The only thing that is missing from all of that is event planning. I think consulting with this company would be a great fit for the right person." That got me thinking. He and I talked about it, and we came to the conclusion that I don't need to be trying to figure out my next 30 years right now. haha. The truth is that I really do want to pursue this event planning thing. I am loving my internship at Pendley, and I feel like I have the skills and talents needed for a career in that industry. And I know I would love it. It is the one job I can think of that I would actually enjoy doing every day. It is really the only thing that even interests me at this point in my life. So why have I been fighting it so much?

I have always been a disciplined person. I have always been the over-achiever, the one with high aspirations and goals, the one who gives 110% in everything she does. The one who is "going places" (lol- whatever the heck that means). I have always been sure of myself, confident, had specific plans for my life. I thrive in school because there is an attainable goal for me. There is something to work toward. In high school, it made even more sense to work hard at achieving good grades so that I could get into Baylor and get scholarships to go to and stay there. I achieved that, and did so with excellence (that's not meant to brag on myself, just prove the point of my thought process/logic in all of this). In college, working hard to achieve good grades makes sense so that I can keep my scholarships, and build up my resume for a job after graduation. But that's where I run into the roadblock. When I came to Baylor, I had all kinds of goals to become this amazing business woman, be the CEO of some major corporation. But over the course of my years here, I have come to realize that that is not where I want, or need, to be anymore. Or at least, not in the same way or intensity as when I started here. If all that happens, that's great; but it's not what I am working toward any more.

So that is the snag- I have nothing to work toward anymore. And I am so lost. It's like I can't function! I mean, I still have some goals. I worked hard to make it into the BEST program. I set a goal for myself, I worked hard toward it, and I attained it. I am still working hard for good grades- it's what I am good at, it's what I know what to do. My goal is to graduate with a 4.0 (so I can get a cool medallion from Baylor- haha). But then what? Graduation is quickly approaching, and I don't know what to attain after that. Again, there is nothing left to work toward. Because the things I thought I wanted, I just don't anymore. There are other goals, or things I would like to achieve...but I can't really attain them by my own effort. It's pretty much dependent on God and other people. I have no control. And God has clearly told me that I have to continue waiting, be content with where He has me, and do everything I can to honor, glorify, and serve Him in my present circumstances. So what do I do in the meantime, when I don't have any goals that are actually attainable through my typical hard work and discipline?

Sure, if I pursue this event planning thing, I will have to work toward that. But I wondered earlier why I have been fighting that so much. It's because I somehow let someone put it in my mind that it's not a "real" job. It doesn't make sense to me to have worked so hard all of my life to "just end up planning things." It's not a job that pays well, at least not in my first entry-level years (it takes awhile to work up to the point of high-end return). I have always been a responsible, independent person, so I can't help but think about how I am going to be able to support myself. And I am just not seeing how it's possible on an entry-level event planner's salary (if I even get a will most likely be a wage). I am not looking for a life of luxury; I just want to be able to support myself and pay my bills without having to worry- rent, food, insurance, school's overwhelming to think about. And I honestly am starting to doubt myself. I don't know if I can do it and that scares the crap out of me. And really, how does planning an event advance God's kingdom? I'm afraid it doesn't. Blast. I just run myself in circles when I think too much. I have not forgotten or put aside the goals involved in my walk with Christ...those are all alive and well and what I am hard core pursuing right now...maybe that's the point of all of this. I have nothing else material to work toward- God has taken all of that away so that working toward taking steps in my spiritual journey is all I have left...

My dad was so good to reminded me that I needed to choose something based on the desires of my heart, the things I enjoy doing, not just something that will pay the bills. Otherwise I will be miserable. And he is absolutely right- I know I would be miserable as a consultant because it's not what I would enjoy doing. And I have to be reminded- And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:19). I am relying too much on my own abilities- my discipline, my hard work, my responsibility, my independence- me, me, me. Blah. God is the one who will meet all of my needs. He is the one I need to trust. Here I go again trying to trust in myself instead. Sigh. It's not a matter of what I can do; it's solely a matter of what God can do through me. I should probably clarify that the one thing I am sure about is that God has called me to use my gifts and talents in the business world. I have been called to serve Christ in business. I have not received a clear calling on a specific area in business, but feel God is calling me to live out my faith amongst unbelieving business people. So that can be done in event planning too. It's just the over-analyzing that gets me running in circles...

On another little side note...I hate this world and really can't stand being in it anymore. That's not a depression/suicide statement. It's me not being content here, wanting to just be with my Savior and rid of everything in this world. I was watching the news this morning and it depressed me. I think I may just have to stop watching it. Studying Romans and about the downward spiral of sin to depravity has just opened my eyes to how ugly our world really is. It makes me sick to my stomach and I really just don't want to be here any more...It's hard because I just want to live life, love God, grow closer to Him, love people, bring them closer to Him. It's not that I can't do those things now; it's that I feel so confined in having to do it according to the world's set of rules. Meaning, I still have to work, I still have to survive and support myself. And that's what I hate. I am just sick of all the worldy pressures to achieve and succeed. Do this, do good in school, get a college degree, get a good job, be a productive member of society, find the perfect person to spend the rest of your life with, take good care of your family, etc. These things aren't bad- they all fit into God's plan and will for us. I just feel like these things become the focus, rather than the product of a life spent serving Christ. It's doubly hard because these characteristics of achievement and responsibility are innate in my own character. God can (and does) use those characteristics for His glory; that is how I strive to serve Him. This probably isn't making much sense on does in my mind, though, so don't worry.

So my poor little brain has been at it again...analyzing and over-analyzing everything. Lol. It's tiring, let me tell you. Especially when I don't get any closer to answering any of my questions and just end up with more questions. But the beautiful thing in all of this...I am still at peace with it all. Ironic, huh? Completely uncharacteristic of me, for sure. It just makes me laugh. God is still in control. God is still sovereign. God still knows where I will be in May. God still loves me and wants the best for me. And everything is going to be ok...