Shaped by the Promise

I was able to spend the weekend with some of the women in our church for our annual women's retreat! I was part of the retreat planning team, and I helped put together welcome bags for the women attending. We had a "bag assembly" night, and I am so thankful for all of the servant-hearted women, willing to spend an evening getting things ready :)

We headed out to Front Royal and got to stay in the beautiful Shenandoah Valley. The weekend was filled with Biblical teaching, worship through song, and small group discussion. There was also plenty of sweet fellowship, beautiful weather, and laughter.

Our theme for the weekend was "Shaped by the Promise." Our speaker, Shannon Popkin, led us through the story of Sarah and Abraham, and how the made and kept His promises. We learned to trust God and go without knowing, and what it looks like to live by faith and not fear.

Welcome Team!

I love that our church worships in multiple languages!

Thankful for these faithful prayer warriors!

On Saturday afternoon, we had free time, so I joined a group heading into the downtown area for the Festival of Leaves. There were several vendors lining the streets, and it was just so nice to be outside in the beautiful fall weather.

This tree made me think of my orange-loving Aiden!

Grateful for these sweet ladies!

We made it back to the hotel in time for a crochet workshop! I haven't crocheted in years, so it was fun to revive this old hobby. I was amazed at how quickly it came back to me. Turns out it was like riding a bike, but I am a terrible teacher haha! I'll need to practice a little more to get to the point where I can actually help others. But I really enjoyed spending the afternoon chatting and laughing with the other women.

This was my second retreat at CBC, and my heart is just full with all of the Lord's answered prayers. I loved spending time with these sweet women, from multiple cultures, and deepening our relationships with the Lord and each other. I love their hearts and desire to love Jesus deeply and serve Him more. I was so encouraged by this weekend away, and I look forward to how the Lord uses each of us to better love and serve our families and community.

When the weight of the world begins to fall

On the Name of Jesus I will call

For I know my God is in control

and His purpose is unshakeable

Chorus:

Doesn't matter what I feel

Doesn't matter what I see

My hope will always be

In Your promises to me

Now I'm casting out all fear

For your love has set me free

My hope will always be

In your promises to me

As I walk into the days to come

I will not forget what You have done

For you have supplied my every need

And Your presence is enough for me

[Chorus]

You will always be more than enough for me (x2)

Nothing's gonna stop the plans You've made

Nothing's gonna take Your love away

You will always be more than enough for me

[Chorus]

-- Your Promises, by Elevation Church

1,525 Days of Parenting

We prayed for 1,095 days before we saw our first positive pregnancy test {but unfortunately, we miscarried}.

We got another positive pregnancy test on day 1,294 {and thankfully BOTH babies were born healthy!} 

It was day 1,345 before we made a public announcement.

We met Eli and Maddie on day 1,524. {And we met Aiden on day 2,186}.

And today marks day 1,525 of parenting.

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I know it seems crazy that I count days like this, but these numbers mean something to me. They represent a season of our lives where we struggled, and we labored, and we prayed. A season that we were not sure would end in the way we were hoping. It was 4 years of our lives; 4 years that challenged and changed us.

And while it was a long hard road through infertility and loss, we got our rainbows at the end of the storm! The Lord was faithful to walk with us through the valley, and He has brought an indescribable joy in our 3 little ones. We have been in the messy chaos of parenting, and sometimes it's still hard to believe that we're finally here, finally parenting the babies for which we prayed and longed.

We will forever be thankful for Embryo Adoption, and how the Lord orchestrated our story. It's how the Lord chose to make us parents, and every time I share our story, I am still amazed at all that the Lord has done.

Today marks "the other side." We have officially been parenting longer than we struggled to become parents. It reminds me of how long our original journey was, but also reminds me of how the Lord takes us through seasons. In the midst of the heartache and the uncertainty, it was really hard to imagine being on this side of it. I dreamed of today, but it was really hard to see how it would actually happen. And yet, here I am. On the other side. In an entirely new season.

So on the hard days {because parenting is amazing, but parenting is hard!}, I can remind myself that the Lord is just as faithful now as He was 4, 6, and 8 years ago. That what I think is hard now is just part of this particular season. I will look back on this time at some point in the next season, able to see better all that the Lord has done. Because in every season, He is always working, always faithful, and always good.

I really love Nichole Nordeman's song Every Season. It's a reminder of how the Lord works in various seasons. I pray that I can always keep my eyes on Him, in every season, submitting to the ways He is making me new for His purposes.

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

So here's to being on the "other side" of infertility and loss. To this season of parenting 3 little ones {in the middle of a pandemic, while not feeling well, in a new state}. May I trust the Lord with all He has to teach me, and may I learn to offer thanks for what has been and is to come.

Advent 2020

I feel like I could use some time to pause and take a breath. Anyone else?

2020 has been quite a year. So I have been looking forward to celebrating Advent. A time of expectant waiting and preparation for Christ's coming. A time to pause and reflect, focus my attention on the coming Light. In a lot of ways, it feels like all we have been doing for months is waiting. Waiting for the curve to flatten. Waiting for a vaccine. Waiting for life to return to normal. Waiting to feel better. But that waiting feels so futile and endless, and the positive results we want are definitely not guaranteed. Contrast that with the joy and anticipation of Advent. We have the benefit of celebrating a sure thing, the coming of the Messiah over 2000 years ago. And while we still wait and groan, we have the assurance of His second coming. That gives me so much peace and joy in the midst of a year like 2020.

Since all of our Christmas things are packed away in our PODS, we don't have our Jesse Tree. I also don't have easy access to a printer to even have a makeshift advent calendar. So we are doing something new! I ordered The Christmas Promise book and calendar, and we will read through the little devotions each night. While I definitely miss our usual reading plan and want to keep up that tradition, it's kind of fun to have something different this year.

Personally, I am walking through the Hymns for Advent devotional from The Daily Grace Co. I really enjoy hymns, and it's fun to walk through the history of these Christmas ones, while also looking more deeply at the lyrics.

High Five for Friday!

Oh man...this has been A WEEK. Sickness has rocked our household, and the toddler tantrums have been at an all-time high. So to say that I am glad this week is over is probably an understatement. Parenting is hard. Yay for Friday! :)

{one} Because of all the sickness, I have been faithfully taking my daily dose of Emergen-C. I swear by this stuff! There's not a whole lot I can take, and I am often skeptical of marketed health promises. But every time my kiddos get sick, or I start to feel like I am getting a cold, I start drinking this daily. And I really think that it has helped minimize {or completely ward off} my cold symptoms. That's a HUGE win for someone who is immunocompromised! I also think that Jesus has just been incredibly gracious to me with my health recently. 

{two} Calling all Instant Pot lovers and gurus: I received an Instant Pot as a house-warming gift, but I didn't actually start using it until after Aiden was born. I'm not exactly Martha Stewart in the kitchen, so I am still trying to figure it out. I have learned that it's not quite as "instant" as I thought it would be. It's frustrating to me that most IP recipes do not disclose the actual amount of time a meal takes. Yes, something may cook for only 5 minutes...but that could be after 25 minutes of pressurizing. And then there could even be 25 more minutes of "natural release." So that "5 minute chicken" actually takes 55 minutes. And while we have found a couple of recipes that are decent, I haven't found anything that is just crazy good. Most of the meals are "eh." So what am I missing?? Please tell me the secrets!! I want to love it, but I am clearly missing something...

{three} Has anyone listened to the Hidden in My Heart lullaby albums? I don't know how I have just now discovered these scripture lullabies! These songs are so good and calming. I play the music while I am feeding Aiden his nighttime bottle before bed, and I pray that my kiddos hide these treasured truths in their hearts all their lives. When I am having a hard time falling asleep, or feel anxious, I listen to these albums. They're that good. I have all 3 albums; I like them all, but the first and third volumes are my favorites.

{four} My parents sent me an Amazon gift card for my birthday, and I used it to purchase a cold brew coffee maker. It's basically a mason jar with a filter on it, but it's fantastic! SO much easier than the funnel and paper coffee filter process I was using before haha. I really enjoy cold brew coffee and they don't make decaf at Starbucks, so I love that I can make it at home :)

{five} We have been in this house for almost a year, and with a new baby, and all my health craziness at the end of last year, we have been slow in being intentional with our neighbors. So with the new year, I have been trying to get to know some of them a little more, particularly the stay-at-home moms. I have had a few over for play dates, and I was able to take a meal to one who recently had a baby. We're waiting for the warmer weather, as it tends to drive people outdoors more {at least in this neighborhood}, but I am thankful for the relationships that are already starting to form. We don't know how long we will be in this house, but I can't help but think of the friendships that our kids can develop with neighbors. I remember playing with friends who lived down the street from us, and my parents just recently attended the 90th birthday party of the sweet neighbor who lived across the street from us when I was growing up. I look forward to the relationships that we get to build in this neighborhood!

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Happy Friday!

Advent 2018

For Advent this year, we are using The Jesus Storybook Bible again, like we did last year. We haven't read through this book in several months, so I thought it would be good to bring it back out again. It will be fun to see how much Eli and Maddie can follow along this year, as they are talking and understanding so much more!

I am also excited to use the list of Christmas songs that Laura put together for Cooper! Eli and Maddie mostly just stare at me when I sing, but every now and then they will pipe in with a word or two. So we'll see how this goes. At the very least, I will enjoy singing through all the Christmas songs :)

For me personally, I signed up to receive daily advent readings from Gentle Leading. I am excited to walk through these devotionals about how the coming of Christ fulfills a longing we have in motherhood. With this intense season of mama life, I need to constantly remind myself of the gospel.

Listen Up! Even If

Today I'd like to talk about a harsh reality that many couples face regarding infertility.

The reality I'm talking about is having to face a life without children. Many couples who struggle with infertility do go on to become parents, either through a miracle, through medical treatment, or through foster care or adoption. But there are some who don't. And as you walk through your journey, you never know if that's going to be you. 

We constantly had to lay our hopes and dreams of a family before Jesus. And it was the biggest test of my faith. Could I really be ok if the Lord closed the door to Embryo Adoption? Could I still love and wholeheartedly follow Jesus if He chose not to give me a family? That seems extreme, but when you are faced with the loss of something that has become so important and desirous to you {read: an idol}, it's a reality I had to work through with the Lord. Could I really praise Him in ALL circumstances?

I'm on the other side, and I am holding babies in my arms. While our path to grow our family is far from traditional and not at all how we planned, the Lord allowed me to experience pregnancy, and I have 2 beautiful babies that made me a mom. So it's easy for me to say now that I could absolutely be ok with the Lord shutting all the doors to a family. At the time, I was trying so hard to get there, and I believe the Lord brought me to a place where I was able to surrender to Him. But it was such a struggle in my heart. And it's something I have to always be willing to do.

I didn't have this song during my journey, but a friend shared it with me the other day, and I thought it was perfect, and aptly named "Even If." She is currently walking a similar path to ours {infertility, Embryo Adoption, loss}, but is still waiting for her take home baby. And her faith is such an inspiration to me. I pray that it is an encouragement to your heart today, whether you are trying to wrestle with surrendering your dreams of a family or something else to the Lord.

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say 

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your might hand

But even if You don't 

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

Hallelujah for the Cross

It is a Good Friday, indeed. Hallelujah for the cross.

Up to the hill of Calvary,

My Savior went courageously

And there He bled and died for me

Hallelujah for the cross

And on that day the world was changed

A final perfect lamb was slain

Let earth and heaven now proclaim

Hallelujah for the cross

Hallelujah for the war He fought

Love has won, Death has lost

Hallelujah for the souls He bought

Hallelujah for the cross

What good I've done could never save

My debt too great for deeds to pay

But God, My Savior, made a way

Hallelujah for the cross

A slave to sin, my life was bound

But all my chains fell to the ground

When Jesus' blood came flowing down

Hallelujah for the cross

Hallelujah for the war He fought

Love has won, Death has lost

Hallelujah for the souls He bought

Hallelujah for the cross

And when I breathe my final breath

I'll have no need to fear that rest

This hope will guide me into death

Hallelujah for the cross

**By Ross King

The Heartbreak {and Hope} of the Cross

Good Friday.

Today we celebrate the cross and all that it means for our faith. Good Friday holds a special place in my heart, of course because of the spiritual implications, but also because I can vividly remember the first Good Friday that the Lord began tugging at my heart, even as a young child.

Growing up, we used to always spend Good Friday with family. All of my aunts, uncles, and cousins would meet at my grandparents' house for the traditional Good Friday meal: albondigas {salmon meatballs...I promise, they're good!} and capirotada {Mexican bread pudding}. We would then all pile into cars and head over to my grandparents' church to attend the annual Good Friday play, where members of the church would act out the passion of the Christ. It was always loud and intense, and I was often afraid of the shouting crowds, and the thunder and earthquake noises that came at the time of the Jesus actor's death.

We did this every year. But one particular year {before my parents and I had even become believers, so around age 7 or 8}, I remember being so overwhelmed by the production. After the play concluded {which ended after the burial of Jesus}, they always sang the song Were You There, When They Crucified My Lord? by candlelight. If I'm honest, it was always a little haunting. 

This particular year, I started sobbing uncontrollably; I can remember it so vividly. I remember repeating over and over through my tears, "But He didn't do anything wrong!" My dad asked me why I was so upset, and I remember telling him that I didn't understand why Jesus had to die. He didn't do anything wrong; why would they kill him? My little heart was literally breaking over it. 

That moment has stuck with me some 20+ years later. While I didn't truly understand the fulness of the gospel yet, it was as though I understood in that moment that it wasn't just a play, but that this actually happened 2,000 years ago. That a man named Jesus suffered and died for the sins of the world. That it was God's plan for His Son to suffer and die for the mean crowds that killed Him, even though He didn't do anything wrong. And I just was so overwhelmed by the immensity of it all. 

A short time later, the Lord did connect the dots for me, drawing me into a relationship with Him. As I reflect back on that Good Friday, I often ask myself if I still feel that overwhelmed by the cross, like I did as a young child. How often does my heart break over my sin and the immensity of God's love poured out for me that day? Is my heart still overwhelmed by the fact that Jesus died for my sins, even though He wasn't the one who did anything wrong?

As an adult, I now understand why He was crucified and why He had to die for my sins. My sin absolutely should tear me up inside, and I should take the time on Good Friday {and more often} to reflect on the immensity of God's love and wrath poured out that day. But I also understand now that Friday wasn't the end of the story. The church ended the play after Jesus' death and burial...but the resurrection was coming!

The heartbreak that was felt that Friday and the heartbreak I should feel over my sin was nailed to the cross and buried with Christ. But the cross always points to hope because of the resurrection. And I praise God that Friday wasn't the end of the story. Instead of death and heartbreak and sorrow, life and hope and redemption are the end of the story, because Sunday is coming!

Almost

This song was shared in a Facebook group, and I couldn't stop bawling. The estrogen and progesterone are surging, and the anxiety is setting in...we have 3 more days until our pregnancy test, and I am just so nervous. I am trying so hard to keep it together and trust Jesus, but more often than not I just end up bawling and begging Jesus to bring us our little ones.

I just don't know what I will do if it's negative. Or if it's positive and then we lose our babies again. Our hearts are just so weary and ready for our family...

I thought this song was incredibly painful but still somehow beautiful. It accurately expresses how we felt when we lost our babies last year. I would have been 31 weeks today, getting so close to meeting our little ones. It still hurts, even knowing that we could be learning of our newest little ones soon. I hate infertility so much.

Almost by R. Garvin

I had you and then I lost you, just like that

You were mine then you were gone, just like that

And my heart broke like shattered glass

It happened so fast

I almost had you, I almost held you

But you never got to see the sun

You almost became free, we were almost a family

And you were supposed to be the one

I wanted it to be you, I wanted it to be you

So, so bad

And now I'll never go a day without

Thinking 'bout what we almost had

You were given then taken, just like that

Now I'll never be the same again, just like that

When your heartbeat stopped so soon

Felt like mine did too

I almost had you, I almost held you

But you never got to see the sun

You almost became free, we were almost a family

And you were supposed to be the one

I wanted it to be you, I wanted it to be you

So, so bad

And now I'll never go a day without

Thinking 'bout what we almost had

I saw your future in my mind, so beautiful and bright

I wondered what you'd be like

Crackin' jokes or a little shy

I wanted to be in the front row, at every game and every show

I wanted to watch you grow

But now I'll never know, oh oh

I almost had you, I almost held you

But you never got to see the sun

You almost became free, we were almost a family

And you were supposed to be the one

I wanted it to be you, God knows I wanted you

So, so bad

And now I'll never go a day without

Thinking 'bout what we almost had

Fly baby, fly baby fly

Fly angel, fly angel fly

Spread your wings and fly

It is Well

I have always loved the hymn It is Well With My Soul written by Horatio Spafford. It was composed after a series of difficulties in his life. He faced incredible financial loss and instability. Shortly after, he sent his family ahead of him in a move, and all four of his daughters died after a ship wreck. He penned this hymn as he passed the place where the ship sank. He and his wife went on to have more children, but they still lost their 4 year old to Scarlet fever. So much tragedy and loss in one family's life.

I have always stood in awe of this story because of the power in the words that were penned. I'm sure it could not have been easy to write the words. Can you imagine the heartache and struggle? And yet, He trusted in a God that was bigger than His circumstances. He was able to say "it is well" because of Jesus. Because of the unending grace that pours out on the life of the believer. 

Bethel Music came out with an updated version a few years ago. Both sets of lyrics have special meaning for me. While it may not have been at the same tragic level as Spafford, we have still experienced heartbreaking loss. We said goodbye to our church and dreams of ministry. Mike lost his job. We were diagnosed with infertility. And it all happened within a matter of months. We waited 3 years to see a positive pregnancy test and then miscarried. So much loss in our short married life...

There have been many dark days when I didn't know if I could say "it is well." And I, of little faith, find myself bracing for more heartbreak and tragedy. After all, it's all we have known for an extended period of time. My weary heart surrenders to the idea that it's all we can know.

And yet the Lord has regarded my helpless estate, and through it all, I can {in faith} say "it is well."

It is Well by Bethel Music

Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Chorus:

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Chorus

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

A Year in the Psalms

I mentioned at the beginning of the year that I was going to be digging through the Psalms in my personal quiet time. I'm only a couple months in, and it has been such a huge blessing! It has been salve to my soul, and I am glad I chose this companion devotional by Tim Keller to go along with my studies:

Find it on Amazon

I have also been listening to the Psalms II album by Shane & Shane. I have always loved their music, and I really appreciate this particular album. They have written lyrics that coincide with each chosen Psalm, and each song is just rich with truth. I find myself singing these songs throughout the day. I want them to write a song for every single Psalm! :)

Find it on iTunes

And then my sweet husband surprised me with this fun gift: a Psalms coloring book! It's the perfect compliment to my time in the Psalms, and it fills my creative cup.

Find it on Amazon

It may seem like A LOT of the Psalms, but it really has been a fun way to dig deeper and really, truly meditate on the verses throughout the day. I think there should be a complimenting music album and coloring book for every book in the Bible! Maybe I'm on to something....   :)

You Are Ours

I follow a private Facebook group for embryo adoption. One of the member's husband wrote a song to help process the loss of their embryos. I think it's absolutely perfect. It's simple, but expresses exactly how we have felt in losing our 6 embryos.

We never even met and yet you meant so much to us

Some say you're insignificant, no bigger than some dust

But you're loved by God, and your mom and dad

I never even dreamed about the impact that you'd have

You brought us so much hope, and when you left we felt so sad

But you're now with God, and in Him we trust

You were ours. You are ours.

Your lives, they really counted. They were real, but not real long

Though longer than some think, cause lots of people, they are wrong

And you're loved by God, and you're loved by us

So we acknowledge life, and yours we never will forget

You mean so much to us although we never even met

And you're now with God, and in Him we trust

lyric

Held

It's no secret that the Lord uses music to minister to my heart. It is no replacement for the power of His Word, but I do believe music is a way that the Lord speaks through and to people. As we continue to process our grief, the Lord brought this song to me. Reading the stories behind the song made me cry, and I can't make it through the first verse without bawling. 

In many ways, we feel like the sacred has been torn from our lives. How could you ask this of us Lord? There are moments when the grief threatens to crush me, and I don't know how I will survive this. But in the midst of the heartache and the darkest of moments, we are held. So the tears can flow, and I can still find comfort and hope in the arms of the One who holds our story in His hands. God holds us in our pain, and that is how we survive.

Two months is too little, they let him go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence

Would take a child from his mother

While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

We're asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

{Chorus}:

This is what it is to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

{Chorus}

If hope is born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour

Watching for our Savior

{Chorus}