What's Next?

It has been several months since we transitioned from church planting and shepherding our people into other churches. Many people have asked us what's next...and we think that has been a fantastic question! We have spent the last several months trying to figure that out! And it has been nothing less than a roller coaster :)

First a little catch up {and just FYI, we are NOT moving out of state}...

Mike interviewed for several pastoral jobs, and they were all out of the area, most of them out of state. In February, we spent the weekend in Fort Worth, but the real reason we were there was to visit a church in Weatherford. In March, we spent back-to-back weekends in Kansas talking with a couple of churches; one for a church planting residency, and the other for a lead teaching pastor position.

Such a sweet church; they left us a welcome bag of goodies in our hotel room.

We visited the Original Pizza Hut, which really was just a small memorial building on the Wichita State University campus because 2 students from the school started Pizza Hut {there wasn't much to see in Wichita :) }

National World War I Museum in Kansas City. We also saw Kauffman and Arrowhead Stadiums, Union Station, Hallmark headquarters, and enjoyed dinner at Country Club Plaza.

We didn't make a trip, but we were also in talks for a lead pastor position in Michigan. In the span of a few weeks, I was preparing my heart to make a move out of state and build community in a brand new place. We came really close to moving. It was scary and exciting, all at the same time. While the idea of moving far away from family, friends, and warm weather was hard, I knew that I couldn't tell the Lord, "I will go wherever You lead us, Lord, except _________." It truly was a walk of faith and surrender.

There were several really great opportunities, and we even received some offers. But we just didn't feel like the Lord was leading us to any of the churches with whom we interviewed. All the time we were interviewing, the Lord was working in Mike's heart to give him a new vision and calling. We still have a heart for church planting, but we know that our role {for now} is to support church planting efforts, not lead them. And while Mike certainly has gifts for ministry, we knew the Lord was calling him to step away from vocational ministry. We don't know if that is a permanent thing, but we do know that it is for a season. 

So what's next?

With all that we have walked through in the past few years, we knew we needed a season of rest and healing. With the struggles of my health, saying goodbye to Redeemer, and walking through infertility, we knew we needed some time to process our grief and focus on how we can serve the Lord during this hard season of life. We knew we needed community. 

Because of the deep relationships we still have with our family and friends at Woodcreek, we decided to plug back into community there. We started attending services a few weeks ago, and we are looking forward to finding a place to serve. In a lot of ways, it feels like a homecoming. We know it will be different going back, as we are not the same people who left there 4 years ago. We know that even our community will look different, and we both want to find new ministries to dive into. But we are so grateful for a place where we have deep friendships with people who love us and who can walk alongside us in this new season. 

In addition, Mike will be starting a new job with RightNow Media. We are so excited about this new opportunity; it's such a great fit for him! He is excited to plug in, helping churches and businesses connect with good, gospel-centered resources. And they are excited to have him, because he's awesome, and also because of his ministry experience. 

So lots of changes in our little world :)

While the last few months have been a whirlwind of change and decision, we are grateful for the Lord's leading and provision. There have been a lot of hard and scary days. There were many times when I {jokingly} said that we didn't know what the heck we were doing with our lives. But Jesus has walked with us every step of the way. He has molded our hearts, deepened our marriage, and forced us to trust Him no matter what. We know that this new season will bring its own set of joys and challenges, but we know that He is good and we are His.

High Five for Friday!

{one} Last night was Date Night, and my sweet husband declared it technology-free night. No Netflix, no computers, no phones. And it was wonderful! We had dinner together and just sat and talked, played a few rounds of Bananagrams, and made cookies. It was perfect. We do those things often, but never without our technology close by. I really enjoyed the lack of distraction; we need to do more nights like that :)

{two} So I chopped off my hair yesterday. I had originally started growing it out 2 years ago when I realized that Humira was causing it all to fall out. I had a panic moment and decided I wanted to grow my hair out while I could. I loved having long hair, but I just felt like I needed a change. It's not super short, but I did cut about 5 inches off, and I feel SO much lighter :)

 

 

{three} Random thought, but can we just all acknowledge how awkward selfies are? And the fact that they are termed "selfies"? They never come out right, and how narcissistic is it to take a photo {or multiple photos} of yourself? Obviously I still take them here and there, but they're just so weird to me. I guess it  wouldn't be any less weird to ask someone else to take a picture of you, but it's still weird. There's nothing really to this point, I just felt the need to acknowledge my discomfort with taking a photo of myself in my bathroom mirror. 

 

{four} Since the winding down of Redeemer, we have been taking some time to rest, but we have also been praying about what the Lord might have for us next. We still feel called to ministry, but we are seeking the Lord on what that specifically looks like. We would appreciate your prayers as we continue in this transition phase. We are excited about what He has planned for us...we just need to know what it is! :)

{five} In the interim time, we have been visiting churches in the area. We helped our people get plugged in, and Mike and I have started working on getting plugged in ourselves. Since we don't know where we will be in 6 months, it's hard to get super connected, but we know we need to be in community, serving someplace. Since we have such an affection and relationship with Mercy Church {Mike has preached there several times, we are close with the lead pastor and his wife, etc}, we have decided to serve there during our transition time. We are excited to come alongside them, and we feel we can serve them with our gifts and understanding of church planting.

The Lord's Provision

Have you ever experienced the Lord's provision in such an unmistakable way that it leaves you half speechless, half giddy with joy as you look back over all that He has done? In recent weeks I have experienced the unfolding of His gracious and abundant provision in a way I have not experienced it before. Not because He hasn't provided in miraculous and wonderful ways before; because He most certainly has. But because of where I am today, I could actually recognize it for what it is.

I wish I felt this way {meaning "half speechless, half giddy with joy"} about everything the Lord provides. But sadly, I have to confess that my sinful heart is usually in a place where I blind myself to the Lord's blessings. Too often, I find that my selfish heart loses sight of and even grows dull to how incredible and generous His blessings truly are.I am constantly on my knees asking Him to forgive my wayward heart. And the graciousness of my God offers forgiveness. And He offers blessings like this, where He allows me to see just that much more of His good character and love for me.

So what is this amazing provision blessing?

When Mike and I got married and moved to McKinney, we made the decision for me to keep my job so that we could pursue the Lord's calling to plant a church. In many ways, we can see the Lord's provision in my current job. From how the Lord knew before we were even dating that we would need this job so we could make that transition, to the blessing of an incredible boss who allowed me to adjust my work schedule to accommodate the commute (see The Boss Man).

It became evident very quickly that the new work hours and the new commute were going to be tough. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me or that I handled the transition like a pro. Confession: I literally cried to and from work every day for months. Pathetic, I know. But it was a really hard transition for me. To defend my girliness a little, it was definitely a combination of the new schedule and transitioning away from friends and our church family. Many days it felt as though work consumed my life, and it seemed as though there was no end in sight. I knew this was what I had signed up for and did my best to lean on Jesus as I tried to adjust. The past few months have certainly been a growing experience for my walk with Jesus. But admittedly, it was difficult to have half of my life still in Dallas, when I really wanted (and needed) to be in McKinney.

When I reached a seeming breaking point a couple months ago and told Mike how I was really feeling, we began praying for the Lord to provide a new job closer to home. Now you have to understand what that meant for me. While I was desperate to shorten my commute and wake up at a normal time again, the idea of searching for another job was terrifying for me. Given my past job searches, I was not as eager as you would think to begin the whole process of resumes, job searches, and interviews. I literally prayed that the Lord would drop a job in my lap. There was a part of me that figured I would have to eventually put forth the effort in the search process, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I focused on taking one day at a time, working on being content with where He had me. And I just prayed and waited...

As I look back over all that the Lord has done, I see {His fingerprints} everywhere.

When Mike first moved to McKinney {before we got married}, he received an email from a guy named Eric. Some family members of his (who live in East Texas) had visited Woodcreek on the same Sunday we announced that Mike would be leaving and that we would be moving to McKinney after our wedding to pursue church planting. Eric's relatives knew he lived in McKinney, so they brought back the bulletin and mentioned that we would be new in the area. So Eric emailed Mike to introduce himself, and a great {friendship} began :) Over the past few months, Mike and Eric have grown closer, and we have spent time getting to know the sweet Kuykendalls.

When Mike mentioned to Eric that we were praying for a new job closer to home, Eric offered to pass along my resume to {his connections} in McKinney. One of his connections through family and church relationships is the VP at a community bank that is headquartered in McKinney. This VP, Mr. B, had recently lost his executive assistant. She had been out on maternity leave, and due to {a change in circumstances}, she decided not to return to the position to stay home with her baby. This left Mr. B {in need of a new assistant}.

In the meantime, the Lord has granted Mike favor at {Starbucks} as he develops relationships with his co-workers and customers. A couple of the customers he sees on a regular basis are Mr. B, and more often {Mr. B's wife}. A few weeks ago, the conversation came up that we were praying for the Lord to provide a new job. Knowing we were in McKinney to plant a church, she went home and told her husband that he should hire "Mike from Starbucks' " wife. When he asked what Mike's last name was, he connected that I was the one whose {resume he had received from Eric}. Kind of fun, right?

Mr. B emailed me on Feb 9.
We spoke over the phone Feb 11.
I met him for a face-to-face interview Feb 20.
I interviewed with another executive at the bank Feb 27.
I received an offer Feb 29.

It has taken {20 days} to see this process from beginning to end. The Lord answered my prayer and {literally dropped this job in my lap}. I didn't have to search it out; He brought it to me. No [fill in the blank job search].com. No endless job searches or applications. No awkward networking functions. No rejections. Just the sovereignty and fingerprints of a holy and good God.

I {start in 2 weeks}. The Lord even worked out the timing and announcement of my transition with my boss and client. My boss couldn't be more supportive. As sad as it is to leave this place, he sees the bigger picture of how the Lord is working. I couldn't have asked for a better reaction from my client. While she is also sad to see me go, she has provided an amazing amount of support and encouragement as well.

And as though the way He brought the job about isn't enough, his blessings just continue to overflow with regard to the job itself....while I couldn't have imagined working for anyone other than the amazing Mr. D, the Lord has provided yet another God-fearing boss. {Mr. B loves Jesus}. He knows that we are in McKinney to plant a church and he is supportive of that calling. The company itself was named to the list of the 2011 "{Top 100 places to Work in Dallas-Fort Worth}." They have an amazing family work environment, all the while encouraging their employees to be involved in the community. Even though the position itself is not in insurance, many of my {job duties at my current job have prepared me} for the job. Even though I will take a pay cut to accept this position, the salary amount the Lord provided is way higher than is reasonably acceptable to expect, given the job and the fact that I am moving industries. The {amount we will save in gas and oil changes} alone is just another the way the Lord provides good things to His children. I get to switch my schedule to {normal working bank hours}! And did I mention that my office will be {1.1 miles from our house}?? No more 4:45 wake up time. No more commute. I can get back into my morning quiet time routine. I can actually have time (and be hungry) for breakfast. Blessings. Incredible abundant blessings.

And so today I am basking in the glow of God's incredible and generous provision. I want to remember this day and all of the details of how the Lord provided for us. I want to remember this incredible and good gift that came only by His hand. I want to remember how He confirmed (again) the calling He has given to me and Mike to be here in McKinney. He alone deserves all glory and honor and praise! :)

em • ployed, adj.-

em • ployed, adj.- working; having your services engaged for; utilized; put to use; having a job especially one that pays wages or a salary

After long months of prayer and waiting, God has finally spoken through the stillness: I got a job offer today!!! I cannot put into words the relief and joy that flooded my day! It was as though the floodgates burst open and all of the long-awaited blessings came gushing out. The days of uncertainty for this trial are over. I am super excited about this new opportunity, and I cannot wait to see what God has in store.

I will be making a career jump...from event coordination to insurance. Which is so completely random, and yet so completely God. I have to admit: it was hard to let go of my dreams. It was difficult to walk away from all that I had worked and hoped for. I would be lying if I said I let it go without a fight. And yet while I wrestled with God, He slowly opened my grip and gently nudged me to take that last step of faith in a long series of steps of faith. I really had to question Him on this one: Insurance, Lord? Really? It was something that was so far out of the realm of my thinking that I just couldn't believe He could possibly use me there. And yet, here I find myself...and overjoyed, no less!

One by one, God closed the doors on event coordination. It was a painful process, but one I had to endure. I don't think God has closed them for good; but I do think He has other things to do with me before He lets me go back to those dreams. And after deep prayer, and ultimately complete surrender, I am ok with that. And so now in faith, I am walking through the door that God has swung open for me...God has good plans for me. And I can't wait to see what He will do in the coming months...

So, ummm....I HAVE A JOB! I just like saying it- haha. I have a job. I am employed. I can join the ranks of employment again. What a blessing from God, especially in this troubled economy and failing job market. I really like the company I will be working for. Over the past 10 weeks in my temporary work with them, I have grown to enjoy the people I work with. I am unsure of what exactly is ahead for me, as I am diving into something that is outside my comfort zone, or really my realm of knowledge. But I do know that this is the place God has for me, and I know that He will be with me every step of the way. His timing is perfect, His gifts are good, His blessings are abundant. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Coming Back Into Focus

The last few months have been a long and difficult road. After spending a year in a job that in many ways drained me mentally and emotionally, I began the long search for a replacement. Now as we turn the corner to enter April, I am still searching. The declining economy has been my enemy, and I have struggled with remaining positive throughout the ordeal. God has been faithful; He has provided for me every step of the way…a lot of times in ways that I never expected or would have, honestly, really wanted. But His ways are not our ways, and I have seen that over and over.

I have had ideas of what I thought God’s plan was for me. I got stuck with a one-track mind, and anything that didn’t fit in line with that track couldn’t possibly have been God’s plan (right?). And now I realize how out of focus I have really become. While I believe that God has given me certain gifts and abilities that would best be used in the meeting and event planning industry, I also now believe that God’s overall plan for my life is not for me to realize that dream. I have been battling that idea for some time now, and it still hurts to even write it down on paper for the world to see. Why would God do that? Why would He place in me this desire, only to take me in a different direction and ask me to give that up? I don’t know the entire answer to that question, but here are a few things I have learned:

It’s not about me and what I want. Novel concept, huh? But sadly, I have lost sight of that in recent months. I became so focused on achieving my own dreams, working toward my own goals, that I forgot to focus on what God wanted for me. Sure, I thought I was working toward God’s plan for me. But I forgot a few basic things along the way. I forgot that God has a bigger purpose for me than my career. My purpose in life is to honor and serve Him in whatever I do.

God’s plans for me have an eternal purpose. Thank goodness that His plan for me is not temporal. His plan for me is not to make me a successful meeting and event planner. And now that I actually say that out loud, I feel silly knowing that I actually believed that for a period of time. That’s not to say that God can’t use me in that industry; I still hold out hope that He will- if not now, maybe in the future. But in all reality, His overall plan for me is so much larger than that! His good plan is to draw me closer to His heart, to walk with me in intimate ways, to shape me into a godly woman, to mold me into a soldier for His kingdom. If I get to experience that intimacy and advance His kingdom through meeting and event planning, then praise God! But if I don’t…I praise God for that too.

It’s about loving God and loving people. I typically do ok loving God. People…not so much. Haha. I know that sounds bad, but it’s the truth. I happen to be an introverted person, which means I draw my energy from being by myself. Translation: people drain me. The up side to my personality is that I spend a lot of time alone…which allows for good times of reflection and quiet time before the Lord. The down side to my personality is that I spend a lot of time alone…and I forgot too often to go out and share the things that God teaches me with others. I forget to go out and just love people. I am working on that. I have started by having conversations with people in, of all places, the elevator. It’s the most awkward place to talk to people- think about it! People step on, press the button to their floor, then commence to stare at the floor or ceiling, avoiding any eye contact or conversation. But when I thought about it, I realized that Jesus wouldn’t stand in silence in an elevator avoiding talking with the people he rode with. So neither should I.

That’s a silly example, I know, but it is just one of the small ways that I am realizing how out of focus I had become. How self-absorbed I had become. I worry too much about my own schedule, my own plan, my own space…and before I know it, 4 months have passed and I haven’t shared my faith with anyone, I haven’t shown Christ’s love in a meaningful way to anyone. And now I realize that I am missing out on God’s plan. The plan that God has for me is far better than anything that I could ever conceive. My finite mind can’t even imagine what God could do in my life. I have to trust my loving Savior with that.

So now what? Now I have to learn to be content in any and all situations. I need to trust God despite my circumstances, trusting His overall plan is better for me than what I had thought. I have to be ok with serving Him anywhere…in a glam or a drab job. I have to learn to make the best of my circumstances, exhibiting genuine joy in everything I do. I have to remember that it’s not about me and my plans, it’s all about God’s plans to show His glory through my life. It’s time to come back into focus…

Such a Beat Down

I have always considered myself a fairly confident person. I have been blessed with a healthy self-esteem, growing up under a sweet mother who told me every day how beautiful and special I was. I have been taught to have a good work ethic, to set goals and work hard to achieve them. I have been taught to give my best in everything I do to the glory of God. My gracious Creator formed my type-A personality, instilling a sense of responsibility and consistency…and my flesh sometimes takes that to an over-achiever, perfectionist extreme. In short, I work hard to do well.

 

That attitude carried me through honors classes in high school, where I graduated 3^rd in my class. And because 3^rd wasn’t good enough for me- haha- it carried me through college where I graduated from a top tier school with a 4.0 with the honor of highest ranked woman in business. I set a goal, I worked hard, and God blessed the effort I put forth to give my best to Him. I worked my way through school, gaining valuable work experience along the way, continuing to enhance my skills. I took leadership roles, volunteered, and still maintained a healthy balance (haha- close friends and family might disagree). I did all that I could to enhance my resume. I say all of this not to brag on myself; please don’t misunderstand. I just want to give you a picture. Because this is where the beat down comes…

 

How is it that I can do all that, achieve all that, and still not be qualified? How is that I am never good enough? How is it that they always end up choosing someone else? I mean really…do the other candidates walk on water? Do they have some secret super power? Haha. Again, I am not trying to say I am better than other candidates…but I am really struggling to understand what it is that they have that I don’t. I just want to know. What else could I have done/could I do? Do you have any idea how discouraging that is? “I’m sorry, but perfect grades, graduating first in your class, working your way through school, having leadership roles…nope. Not good enough. Someone else is more qualified than you.” HOW?!?! How are they more qualified? I have never felt more inadequate, unqualified, inexperienced, incompetent. So much for confidence in my abilities. Sigh.

 

Now, I understand that with the current state of the economy, I am not alone. I know there are a TON of qualified people in this same boat. And I am not trying to say I am the only one getting the shaft. I understand there are a lot of people looking for work, making the job market so overly saturated, it really is a shot in the dark when you apply for a job. To even get an interview is a miracle. I get all of that. But it still doesn’t make it easier. It’s still overly discouraging. To hear over and over (and over and over) that your best is not good enough…complete beat down. My theology and my head tell me that God is in control. But as the days, weeks, and months pass…I grow weaker and more weary.

 

I am tired. Tired of wading through google searches, career websites, career centers, job postings. Tired of editing and re-working my resume. Tired of writing cover letters, submitting applications, providing references. I am tired of interviews. I’m tired of telling people how excited I am about the possibility of working for them, growing with their company, contributing my talents. I am tired of waiting on HR managers, just to hear “no” again. I am tired of sending thank you notes, follow up emails, and decision inquiries. I am tired of hearing “It will come soon. Surely you will get a job soon. It will be ok.”

 

I just have to say (and this is not meant to be a guilt trip, or an attempt at being a martyr): if you still have your job, be thankful for it. If you have survived the last round of layoffs at your company, be grateful you have a paycheck for that much longer. After my long post, I do have to say that I am VERY thankful for the temp work that God has provided in the interim. I don't want to be remiss in mentioning His provision as I continue my search. Last summer, when I was experiencing this same situation (yeah, this isn't new to me. sigh) I wrote about never complaining about Mondays again in my life. And since then, and in my work at Eagle U, I never complained about having to get up and go to work on Mondays. I looked forward to Mondays, because it meant I had a job to go to. This time around, I am resolving to remember to be grateful for my job...no matter how bad things are. I am resolving to be grateful for even the menial tasks. Because usually the things we complain about are little and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things anyway.

 

I need relief. And I need it soon…

Don't Ask for the Rain Unless You are Prepared for It

So apparently my feelings of hope and the end of a chapter in my life was wrong. I did not get the job I had hoped for. They called to tell me how wonderful I was, how impressed they were with me...but at the end of the day, they chose the candidate with more experience. Sigh. Story of my life. It's that whole catch-22: you need more experience to get hired, but no one is willing to give it. It's so hard to hear "you're so great! you're so wonderful! but we don't want you!" grrrr

 

I wish I could say I praised God despite hearing "no" one more time...but I didn't. I am weak, and I had had a conversation with God stating that I just couldn't hear "no" again. So when I did...I was angry. I can't remember the last time I was really angry. I don't get angry. Sure, I get frustrated, upset, irritated...never angry. And yet, because I am so vulnerable and weak, I got angry. And in a way, I felt betrayed. I can't understand why a good God would provide all of these wonderful opportunities, open all of these doors, just to slam them all in my face. Because that's what it felt like. I had hot tears last night as I shouted at God. I told Him I couldn't hear "no" again. I told Him I was tired and weary and just needed some relief. I told Him how excited I was about this job and how much I wanted it. And after my shouting match, I felt empty and confused.

 

I don't recommend getting angry at God. That's not what I am advocating. But it's how I felt last night, and so I let Him have it. He wanted honest: I was HONEST. He wants me to go to Him and tell Him how I feel: I told Him what I really thought. I cried my eyes out until the tears literally just ran out...and I was left with a swollen face and a mess of snot. LOL. I'm sorry- that's gross. It's a good thing you weren't there. After my tantrum, I asked God to just let me fall asleep because I just couldn't talk to Him anymore and I didn't want to think about anything anymore...

 

I do have to make sure that you understand that my anger has subsided, and I am starting to think a little more rationally now. I spent the morning in prayer...in quiet submission and repentance before my holy God. I'm lucky He didn't strike me where I was...part of me feels like the only reason why He didn't is because part of me just wished He would- LOL. I spent a good amount of time with my face on the floor, lying flat before the God of the universe. I had to ask for forgiveness and surrender everything. And I know that was only the beginning. I know I still have a long way to go, and I am not any less confused or hurt by the situation.

 

So what now? I honestly don't know. I have some very hard decisions to make in a short period of time, and I don't know where to begin. I feel as though my whole world has turned upside down- how that was possible from being more turned upside than it already was...I don't know, but I found out it was possible yesterday. And somehow I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces, still trust God in the process, and move forward. I don't know where to go next. None of my options look good or appealing at this point...and I need wisdom, discernment, and direction.

 

A sweet friend sent me a link to a sermon she heard this weekend that made her think of me. It was entitled "God Puts Us in the Right Place" and it was preached by a beloved pastor from home- Robert Emmitt. It was perfect, as though it were preached just for me. If you get a chance, you should listen to it. Especially if you are experiencing a situation where you are trying really hard for something, doing all the right things, asking, seeking, knocking...and all of the doors are closing. In case you need a little outline, here are the major points of his sermon:

 

If God's not in it, you won't be either. God wants us to knock on the door; He doesn't want us to kick it in. When we can't understand why the door isn't opening and wonder what the deal is, we have to remember that God is the deal. We cannot make God's will happen. God has no obligation to give us the things we want or ask for. He is the sovereign God of the universe; He's not going to put you someplace that He is not.

 

God knows where you are and can get you where He wants you to be. We shouldn't chase after God's will; it is not obscure, mystical, or mysterious. To be in God's will is to walk in the moment, saying "God, you know where I am; if you want me to move, you can make it happen." We need to just live our life and not try to make things happen. "Our job as followers of God and trusting in Jesus Christ is to live a quiet, faithful, daily life in the Lord; to walk in the Spirit, to pray, to say 'Lord, who do I see? who do I talk to? who do I help?' Then live in that moment. If He wants me someplace else, He can make it happen.

 

Ask, seek, and knock and leave the results to God. A closed door is not a test for us to see if we will kick it open. God puts us in the right place, at the right time, with the right people...we just have to trust Him.

 

It presented me just enough strength and hope for a little more endurance. I have a lot to think about, a lot to pray about. Please pray for wisdom and clear direction. And pray for renewal of faith and trust.

Influx of Interviews

So many of you know that I am still on the job hunt, waiting to finally be able to count myself "employed" again. Despite the fact that I am starting month 4 of my search, I have to admit that I have had a ridiculous amount of interviews. Considering the state of the economy, with continued announcements of layoffs and cutbacks, and considering the niche industry that I have chosen for my career...I have had more interviews in the past 2 months than I had the entire 6 months after graduation! When I really sat down to think about it, I really couldn't believe it! At the very core, it really is a testament to God's sovereignty. My God is so much bigger than the economy and the supposed woes that our country faces. And the truth remains that anything and everything comes from Him. His timing is perfect, and when He wants me to have a job, He will provide it- regardless of what is going on around me.

 

At first glance, I would be apt to start wondering about my interview abilities- haha. So many interviews...no offers. Hmmm...might make you question, right? Like, am I really that bad at interviews? Do I really say that many dumb things? I mean, sometimes I do, but I have seen God open and close doors for various reasons, and it has been (while hard) an exciting journey to watch His hand move in my life. I really believe that God has provided the mass quantity of interviews as a source of encouragement to me. He knew the darkness I walked through when I didn't receive any interviews after graduation, and I think this time around He is reminding me that He is working and that He has everything under control. He is reminding me that He directs the plans of my life, not the economy, not my resume or interview skills, not employers or the job process. God is in control. I feel so lucky to have been able to see some of the reasons that God has led me in the directions He has, lucky to see some of why He has closed certain doors. And it makes me all that more excited for what He will provide!

 

This could be wishful thinking, but I feel as though my time is close. I feel as though I might even know this week. I have a second interview with a company on Tuesday, and I have a good feeling about this one. Of course, I have had "good feelings" before, and I could just be willing the circumstances to work themselves out....it's been a long process, don't judge me. I could be wrong. But as I have walked in this process, I am finally starting to learn to follow His leading and trust His plan. I wish I could say I have mastered this process, but I fear I have allowed my flesh to interfere too often. I fear I am a slow learner...sigh. But God is good, and thankfully does not give up on people like me. He still wants to continue the molding process.

 

Please continue praying for direction and discernment. I really hope to be celebrating God's amazing provision by the end of this week. How awesome would that be?!?! But if He chooses to close this door too, I am confident that He will continue leading me toward the job He has had waiting for me all along. And if He says "no" to this job too, I can rejoice in God's perfect plan and continued provision despite the lack of a stable job. He is good all the time!

Praying for Miracles

So I am finally facing the end of this week. It's been a long period of waiting...too much time for my mind to think too much. Haha. And despite the fact I didn't think it could come fast enough, it is finally here. It's kind of a big week. I feel like my whole life is dependent on what happens in the next couple of days. That might be slightly over-dramatic...maybe not my whole life. But at least the next stage in my life.

 

Tomorrow morning is my follow-up doctor's appointment with the neuro-opthamologist. I get my results back- from all the blood work and the MRI/MRA/MRV. I think the hardest part is that it could be any number of things. Most of the options are fairly serious. I have so much to praise God for with regard to the circumstances surrounding this whole ordeal. Timing, good doctors, making it through tests, and even the mere fact that my optometrist spotted the problem. I have so many people praying for me, even people I have never even met...it is overwhelming! And I have felt God's peace over the past couple of weeks. But the truth of the matter is that it is still scary. I have been trying to prepare myself for the worst...that's logical, right? Prepare myself for the worst, so that I am not thrown any curve balls. If it turns out to be the worst, I saw it coming. If it's not as bad, even better! But really, how do you prepare yourself for something like this? I have the confidence that my God is good and will walk with me regardless of what the doctor says tomorrow. It's still just so bizarre that my life could change tomorrow. Or not change at all tomorrow. It's bizarre to me that the words of one person, the results of one series of tests can determine how I spend my next steps in life. Or not spend them. This is by far one of the most intense things I have faced in my life. I am praying for favorable results, of course. But I am also praying that I have the strength to praise God no matter what the results may be. I am praying that God is glorified through whatever I may face. The comforting thing is that God already knows the results and what my future holds. And He is going to be the same tomorrow when I finally know the results: good, loving, holy, righteous, and sovereign.

 

I am also supposed to know about a new job in the next few days. It's really hard because I am so excited about this job opportunity, I can hardly stand it. It's almost as though the job description was written specifically for me. It is everything I am looking for in a new job. It's an amazing opportunity, and I really want this job. If I don't get an offer...I just don't know what I am going to do from here. No one else is hiring right now. I have watched the news in the last few weeks, listening to all the news coverage on layoff after layoff. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach. I have still been looking for other jobs to apply for, and there just aren't any available. Everyone is on a hiring freeze because of fears in the economy. So this is kind of my shot. I know God has a plan. I am just hoping and praying that this particular job is it...haha. I know my God is bigger than this whole economic mess. I am praying that I can trust that- whether I get an offer for this specific job or not.

Mondays

Everyday it gets harder and harder to hold it together. That sounds so depressing and melodramatic…I don’t mean it to be. I’m just trying to be honest with my feelings. My mom has recently started asking me the question, “what set you off this time?” I wish there was some way I could explain to her that there is nothing in particular that “sets me off.” There is no trigger. It’s just the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day still living in my parents’ house, still jobless, still having no prospects. It’s the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day having to hit the pavement searching for a job…again. It’s the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day still drowning in God’s silence. I think she thinks that at some point, I will just get over this down time and just be ok. Unfortunately, the more days that go by, the worse it gets.

 

I hate even voicing these feelings. They don’t sound like me at all. I’ve lost so much of who I thought I was. Or at least it seems as though I have. I had never really considered myself an extremely prideful person…but any sort of pride I did have has been stripped away. I fear that my discouragement is now eating away at any ounce of confidence I thought I had. I doubt everything about myself now. Am I really good at something? Was I ever really good at anything or was I just lucky? Does hard work really count for anything except a good grade and a few extra ulcers? Am I really going to succeed? Is there really a good plan for my life? Do I really have what it takes? Because everything around me is screaming NO!

 

I pray. I pray a lot. I pray hard. I pray alone. I pray with others. I pray quietly. I pray loudly. I ask God questions. I ask Him for certain things. I offer Him my heart. I give Him a piece of my mind. I scream at Him a lot. I sit silently before His throne. I strain to hear even the faintest whisper. I cry. I plead. I try to have faith. I desperately look for ways to increase my faith. I desperately look for things to encourage, inspire, and provide hope. And there is still deafening silence in return. I’ve lost my pride. I’ve lost my confidence. I’ve lost my drive to achieve. Oh, I know I will get those things back eventually. I just fear how long it will be until those things return to a healthy level, and I fear the irreparable damage it is doing to my heart along the way.

 

Nobody likes Mondays. But this summer has forced me to look at Mondays in a new way. Most people dread Mondays (as did I) because it means the start of another week. It means going back to work/class after a nice restful and work/class-free weekend. It means responsibility and effort. It means facing deadlines, meetings, and craziness. Mondays are generally hated the world-over. But I hate Mondays now for a different reason. I hate Mondays because it is the start of another week, yes, but another week without a job. In a very sick way, I have to admit that I envy everyone getting up and going to work. I wish I was facing responsibility and effort again. I long for deadlines, meetings, and craziness again.

 

People (and the Bible too) say you are supposed to be content where you are. You are supposed to praise Him despite your circumstances. I agree with that. Even if I don't like it, I have to agree with it because that's what God's Word says. But what does that really look like, in real life? Does that mean that you just get over down times and be ok? Does that mean that you walk around with a smile on your face all the time? Does that mean that you sing praise and happy songs to Him when what you really feel like doing is crying your eyes out and screaming at Him? And what happens if you don't do those things? Are you sinning? Are you missing the point? Are you getting it all wrong? It might seem like it. But what do you do when you ask for wisdom and you don't get it? What do you do when you ask God to guide you and He doesn't? What do you do when you want to do God's will, you just aren't getting any indication of what that might be? What do you do when you feel unsettled where you are, but have surrendered to Him nonetheless, and He still doesn't answer you? What happens when you have your hands wide open, ready to go and do whatever wherever, but He doesn't tell you where to go or what to do? What do you do when you seek Him with all of your heart and He still remains hidden and silent?

At the Breaking Point...and in Need of a "Thomas" Moment

89 days. I liked it so much better when I was counting down to something (i.e. graduation). A countdown has an end. You can see the end. I am in the midst of a countup, if you will. You can't see an end to this count. And as each day goes by, I find myself more frustrated, more discouraged. 89 days since I graduated. 89 days on the job hunt. 89 days with no more prospects than when I started. I thought I had reached my breaking point about a week ago. A job that looked to be like an answer to prayer turned out to be a scam. I was confused at all the "signs" that I thought pointed to God's plan. Everything seemed to be pointing in that direction and falling into place. I realize now, that that one was just a test. A test to see if I was going to trust His plan and not just jump at the first thing that came along. I passed that one pretty well, if I do say so myself. But I was still broken, because I still had no job.

 

So when the email came for a job interview in Dallas a few days later...I thought God was finally reaching down. I went to Dallas and interviewed. I prayed that I would know in the interview if this is where I was supposed to be, based on how I felt about the company. I had to pray that specifically to protect me from myself. I went to the interview and absolutely fell in love with the company. They offered decent pay...they offered training...and they offered benefits! (All 3 are hard to come by in the field I want to be in) Based on all of my prayers and what I felt God was doing, where He was leading...I really thought this was it. Everyone who has been surrounding me with prayer thought this was finally it. The interview went well. I left Dallas, trusting that God really did have something good for me.

 

The letter came yesterday. It was like all the others. "You have excellent qualifications and are someone we would normally look for in a candidate. Unfortunately..." You are great (even perfect!), BUT... your qualifications are impressive, BUT... And that's how I arrived at 89 days. This one hurt more than all of the others because of all the prayer and circumstances that surrounded it. I truly stepped out in faith on this one...and I feel as though I have been slapped in the face. I feel empty and am filled with this nagging feeling: there really isn't something that good planned for you. I never dreamed that I could ever reach a place like this- where I felt this empty, this discouraged. I am really struggling right now to face the reality of my circumstances despite what I have always known to be true. I feel like I am in a dark and scary place, because I am really struggling to see God's hand, to keep believing that He has something good planned for me. I am desperately seeking His face, His plan, His will. And I am only met with silence and confusion. My faith is wavering, and I am scared. I am scared about the spiritual implications my reactions have to my walk. I am scared about what this might actually mean for my career. I am scared that I might not have any grand plans for my life. I am scared I am going to end up in a random job, a job that I go to every day just to pay the bills. I am scared that I poured out my blood, tears, and sweat for 4 years for no reason. I am scared that all of my hard work means nothing. I am scared that there is no practical calling on my life like I have always believed and pursued. I am scared that I will still be here in another 89 days. It's not that I believe that God can't do this; it's that I am starting to believe that He won't for whatever reason. And somehow that almost seems worse. I am scared that I am doubting God's goodness. Like, "just kidding! all those good things I can do for my children aren't for you."

 

I don't like the way I am dealing with all of this...I would have liked to think I would have faced this with more faith. But my spirit is pretty broken right now; so I am desperately praying for a "Thomas moment"- I lack the faith right now to take Him at His word without something tangible. I am ashamed to admit that I have to see proof. I just don't know what else to do...

 

My mom told me today that she had enough faith to make up for the lack of mine...I really hope so :(

It Has Been Awhile...Be Prepared for a Long One

So I have officially been a Baylor alum for 52 days now. That sentence sounds a lot more exciting than it really has been. Being Baylor alumni is great. I have finished the academic era of my life, and that is no small feat. I am proud to say that I am finished with school, and I really like the fact that I will more than likely never study a textbook or write a term paper again in my life. And that’s a really nice feeling.      

 

But with 52 days of being an alum, that means 52 days (and counting) without a job.  

 

The last 52 days have been some of the most frustrating I have faced. We’re never happy are we? I couldn’t wait for school to end because I was so frustrated with it. And now that it is done, this new place is even worse. I have never been so out of my element, so lost or confused in my entire life. I can say with no reservation that I am completely miserable. I have nothing to be excited about, nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work toward, no goal to achieve. Nothing to do, no appointments to keep. I know God has a plan. I know He will provide a job. I have to believe it. I have to hold on to that, because that’s all I have right now. It’s the only thing that wakes me up in the morning. But what happens until then? What do I do with myself in the mean time? What is my role in God’s preparation? How much do I do? And how long will He keep me here? I am begging Him not to keep me here long. I feel like I am losing my mind.

 

I count the days, which go by so slowly because of my lack of things to do. The days turn into weeks, and, oh my God, they are now starting to turn into months. All of my job options have run out (yet again), and so I am starting over (yet again). I can’t even begin to describe the emptiness and the panic that are beginning to fill my heart. I can do nothing else but cling to the cliché verse that He has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me, that He has plans for a hope and a future. This place of emptiness and defeat is a scary place to be. To be brutally honest, it is hard to praise Him in this dark place. I have found myself forcing the words of praise songs, in hopes that if I say them enough times, I might begin to believe the words again. I just keep saying His promises out loud, hoping I will really be encouraged by them sometime soon.

 

It’s hard to accept that God’s answers are a mystery to me right now. Other people seem so sure about their prayers for me…like they receive answers from God that I don’t. That seems strange to me, but at the same time it is encouraging, because I do have people interceding for me. I guess it's better than nothing to have other people receiving answers they are confident of, even if I am not. I just have to continue practicing obedience and wait. I loathe every minute of the waiting, but I am waiting nonetheless. I don’t doubt that God has something perfect waiting for me at the end of all of this. I just don’t understand the waiting; I don't understand what I am supposed to be doing in the mean time. I wasn’t built to sit and do nothing. So as far as my finite and sinful brain can comprehend, it feels like a cruel joke to create me a certain way only to make me “suffer” in this very way. I know that sounds stupid and overdramatic. Reading it out loud, I can’t help but think how ridiculous it is. But that’s how lost and confused I am, I guess.

 

And so I keep praying and seeking God. It may not sound like it, but I really am trying to find and trust God in all of this. I am just not ok right now, no matter how much I want to be...no matter how much other people want me to be. And I don’t know how to get back to that point of being "ok" right now. I am ashamed to admit how much I am struggling with faith so much in this storm. Not my Faith (the core of who I am, who God has created me to be), but faith- trusting God outside of what I am experiencing. But God says He can work with faith as small as a mustard seed. I am desperately asking Him to use what tiny bit of faith I have right now. I am asking Him to grow and multiply it.

 

God knows where I am. He knows how I feel. He knows what I am going through; He knows what is really going on. I know He hears my heart’s cries. I know that He is even crying and hurting with me. He is working right now to bring me where He wants me. He is working to mold my heart to be more like Him. He has a purpose and a plan. I just pray that He delivers me from this dark place soon. I pray that He gives me the strength to hold on, the power to trust Him. I pray that He doesn’t forget me in this place. I am praying that He can still use me as broken as I am. I am praying that I can learn how to thank Him even where I am. God has given me another song to speak to my heart, as He is always faithful to do:

 

It's a fear that keeps me wide awake

In the middle of the night

When the expectations are too great

And the bar gets raised too high

So I do the best with what I've got

And hope that no one knows

That I strain to see how high I can

Try to stand on these toes

Until I'm measured, but You know better

 

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when you see us just as we are

Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when the pieces are broken and small

Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind

Thank You, even then

 

So I put aside the masquerade

And admit that I am not okay

Which may not be the thing to say

But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when you see us just as we are

Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when the pieces are broken and small

Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind

Thank You, even then

We raise the standard and try to reach You

But we'll never make it, and we don't need to

 

My dad said something to me yesterday that really hit me. It’s embarrassing how I seem to miss simple things like this all the time. He said that while I have to wait and it’s hard and it hurts, it is a blessing in disguise to even have the opportunity to wait and really search for the “perfect” job. He is so right. I hadn’t really thought of it that way. How self-absorbed can I be? And so I thank my Heavenly Father for the generous and amazing blessing that I get to wait. Only my God and Savior would be that good to me.

 

 

Currently Listening: Even Then, by Nichole Nordeman (Woven & Spun)

Baylor Alumna

Well, I can finally say it. I am an official Baylor alum! All the blood, sweat, tears, and stress finally paid off, and I was able to walk across the stage with a heart full of thanksgiving for my amazingly faithful God! I cannot even express in words His goodness to me in pulling me through this last semester. I never thought graduation day would come; and here now it is already 5 days past. I can't express my relief in being done with school. People keep asking me about grad school...it takes everything in me to be polite and say "not at this time" because inside I am screaming "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeell no!" LOL. It's just not what God has for me. He was faithful to pull me through 4 years of undergrad. And now, He has other plans for me that do not require studying in an academic setting ever again.

 

And then that brings me to the question I have been dreading for a good 2 years now: "What now?" You know, that's a very good question. The only thing I have to offer at this point is that I have no idea what's next. That's a scary place to be in. I have a feeling this is going to be another long, hard summer. I have come a long way and can say with confidence and peace that God has it all planned and will reveal His perfect plan in His perfect timing. But I have to say...it's still hard. And I am broken, on my knees before His throne, because I have no clue where to go from here. The things I thought would pan out, didn't. I just got some really disappointing news and am having to start all over. Which is hard. I am not falling apart like I normally would be. But I am still struggling with this. With these plans falling through, I am now facing the harsh reality of a summer at home. I love my family and have missed them. But being at home, with no job, and no other prospects at this point...I'm struggling. All I can do is cry out to my Father for peace and comfort, guidance and wisdom. Because right now, I am at a loss again.

 

I have to ask myself if this is what life is going to be like for me. I tend to be at this place a lot. Like I said before, I have come a long way. I have surrendered SO much to Him, everything to Him at this point. And I stand before His throne waiting...still. I have to cry out to Him wondering how long I have to wait. How long before He hears my cries? How long before He shows me? If you think about it, please pray for me. Because I want so desperately to learn from all of this what He wants me to. I need prayer to guard against disappointment and frustration. I need wisdom, guidance, and patience. I need to be content with where He has me. If you have any encouraging words...I could really use some right now....