Thursday, March 5, 2009

Don't Ask for the Rain Unless You are Prepared for It

So apparently my feelings of hope and the end of a chapter in my life was wrong. I did not get the job I had hoped for. They called to tell me how wonderful I was, how impressed they were with me...but at the end of the day, they chose the candidate with more experience. Sigh. Story of my life. It's that whole catch-22: you need more experience to get hired, but no one is willing to give it. It's so hard to hear "you're so great! you're so wonderful! but we don't want you!" grrrr
I wish I could say I praised God despite hearing "no" one more time...but I didn't. I am weak, and I had had a conversation with God stating that I just couldn't hear "no" again. So when I did...I was angry. I can't remember the last time I was really angry. I don't get angry. Sure, I get frustrated, upset, irritated...never angry. And yet, because I am so vulnerable and weak, I got angry. And in a way, I felt betrayed. I can't understand why a good God would provide all of these wonderful opportunities, open all of these doors, just to slam them all in my face. Because that's what it felt like. I had hot tears last night as I shouted at God. I told Him I couldn't hear "no" again. I told Him I was tired and weary and just needed some relief. I told Him how excited I was about this job and how much I wanted it. And after my shouting match, I felt empty and confused.
I don't recommend getting angry at God. That's not what I am advocating. But it's how I felt last night, and so I let Him have it. He wanted honest: I was HONEST. He wants me to go to Him and tell Him how I feel: I told Him what I really thought. I cried my eyes out until the tears literally just ran out...and I was left with a swollen face and a mess of snot. LOL. I'm sorry- that's gross. It's a good thing you weren't there. After my tantrum, I asked God to just let me fall asleep because I just couldn't talk to Him anymore and I didn't want to think about anything anymore...
I do have to make sure that you understand that my anger has subsided, and I am starting to think a little more rationally now. I spent the morning in quiet submission and repentance before my holy God. I'm lucky He didn't strike me where I was...part of me feels like the only reason why He didn't is because part of me just wished He would- LOL. I spent a good amount of time with my face on the floor, lying flat before the God of the universe. I had to ask for forgiveness and surrender everything. And I know that was only the beginning. I know I still have a long way to go, and I am not any less confused or hurt by the situation.
So what now? I honestly don't know. I have some very hard decisions to make in a short period of time, and I don't know where to begin. I feel as though my whole world has turned upside down- how that was possible from being more turned upside than it already was...I don't know, but I found out it was possible yesterday. And somehow I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces, still trust God in the process, and move forward. I don't know where to go next. None of my options look good or appealing at this point...and I need wisdom, discernment, and direction.
A sweet friend sent me a link to a sermon she heard this weekend that made her think of me. It was entitled "God Puts Us in the Right Place" and it was preached by a beloved pastor from home- Robert Emmitt. It was perfect, as though it were preached just for me. If you get a chance, you should listen to it. Especially if you are experiencing a situation where you are trying really hard for something, doing all the right things, asking, seeking, knocking...and all of the doors are closing. In case you need a little outline, here are the major points of his sermon:
If God's not in it, you won't be either. God wants us to knock on the door; He doesn't want us to kick it in. When we can't understand why the door isn't opening and wonder what the deal is, we have to remember that God is the deal. We cannot make God's will happen. God has no obligation to give us the things we want or ask for. He is the sovereign God of the universe; He's not going to put you someplace that He is not.
God knows where you are and can get you where He wants you to be. We shouldn't chase after God's will; it is not obscure, mystical, or mysterious. To be in God's will is to walk in the moment, saying "God, you know where I am; if you want me to move, you can make it happen." We need to just live our life and not try to make things happen. "Our job as followers of God and trusting in Jesus Christ is to live a quiet, faithful, daily life in the Lord; to walk in the Spirit, to pray, to say 'Lord, who do I see? who do I talk to? who do I help?' Then live in that moment. If He wants me someplace else, He can make it happen.
Ask, seek, and knock and leave the results to God. A closed door is not a test for us to see if we will kick it open. God puts us in the right place, at the right time, with the right people...we just have to trust Him.
It presented me just enough strength and hope for a little more endurance. I have a lot to think about, a lot to pray about. Please pray for wisdom and clear direction. And pray for renewal of faith and trust.

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