Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Such a Beat Down

I have always considered myself a fairly confident person. I have been blessed with a healthy self-esteem, growing up under a sweet mother who told me every day how beautiful and special I was. I have been taught to have a good work ethic, to set goals and work hard to achieve them. I have been taught to give my best in everything I do to the glory of God. My gracious Creator formed my type-A personality, instilling a sense of responsibility and consistency…and my flesh sometimes takes that to an over-achiever, perfectionist extreme. In short, I work hard to do well.
That attitude carried me through honors classes in high school, where I graduated 3rd in my class. And because 3rd wasn’t good enough for me- haha- it carried me through college where I graduated from a top tier school with a 4.0 with the honor of highest ranked woman in business. I set a goal, I worked hard, and God blessed the effort I put forth to give my best to Him. I worked my way through school, gaining valuable work experience along the way, continuing to enhance my skills. I took leadership roles, volunteered, and still maintained a healthy balance (haha- close friends and family might disagree). I did all that I could to enhance my resume. I say all of this not to brag on myself; please don’t misunderstand. I just want to give you a picture. Because this is where the beat down comes…
How is it that I can do all that, achieve all that, and still not be qualified? How is that I am never good enough? How is it that they always end up choosing someone else? I mean really…do the other candidates walk on water? Do they have some secret super power? Haha. Again, I am not trying to say I am better than other candidates…but I am really struggling to understand what it is that they have that I don’t. I just want to know. What else could I have done/could I do? Do you have any idea how discouraging that is? “I’m sorry, but perfect grades, graduating first in your class, working your way through school, having leadership roles…nope. Not good enough. Someone else is more qualified than you.” HOW?!?! How are they more qualified? I have never felt more inadequate, unqualified, inexperienced, incompetent. So much for confidence in my abilities. Sigh.
Now, I understand that with the current state of the economy, I am not alone. I know there are a TON of qualified people in this same boat. And I am not trying to say I am the only one getting the shaft. I understand there are a lot of people looking for work, making the job market so overly saturated, it really is a shot in the dark when you apply for a job. To even get an interview is a miracle. I get all of that. But it still doesn’t make it easier. It’s still overly discouraging. To hear over and over (and over and over) that your best is not good enough…complete beat down. My theology and my head tell me that God is in control. But as the days, weeks, and months pass…I grow weaker and more weary.
I am tired. Tired of wading through google searches, career websites, career centers, job postings. Tired of editing and re-working my resume. Tired of writing cover letters, submitting applications, providing references. I am tired of interviews. I’m tired of telling people how excited I am about the possibility of working for them, growing with their company, contributing my talents. I am tired of waiting on HR managers, just to hear “no” again. I am tired of sending thank you notes, follow up emails, and decision inquiries. I am tired of hearing “It will come soon. Surely you will get a job soon. It will be ok.”
I just have to say (and this is not meant to be a guilt trip, or an attempt at being a martyr): if you still have your job, be thankful for it. If you have survived the last round of layoffs at your company, be grateful you have a paycheck for that much longer. After my long post, I do have to say that I am VERY thankful for the temp work that God has provided in the interim. I don't want to be remiss in mentioning His provision as I continue my search. Last summer, when I was experiencing this same situation (yeah, this isn't new to me. sigh) I wrote about never complaining about Mondays again in my life. And since then, and in my work at Eagle U, I never complained about having to get up and go to work on Mondays. I looked forward to Mondays, because it meant I had a job to go to. This time around, I am resolving to remember to be grateful for my matter how bad things are. I am resolving to be grateful for even the menial tasks. Because usually the things we complain about are little and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things anyway.
I need relief. And I need it soon…

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