Monday, May 29, 2006

Summer!

Summer is finally here! I have to say that there was a time when I thought it would never arrive. This past semester was quite challenging and I am so grateful that God has brought me through to yet another one. The weirdest part of everything...I am a senior! It's weird because I feel as though I was just a senior in high school and now I am in my last year of college. It's exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time. Now more than ever, people ask, "So what are you going to do when you graduate?" I hate that question. I think it should be labeled a curse phrase. At least that's how I feel because I have no earthly clue what I want and/or will do after graduation. Of course I want to get a job. But doing what...I don't know. I have some ideas, but nothing I am completely sold on and nothing that is just magically working out for me.
 
That's part of what this summer is about. In case I didn't get a chance to enlighten you on my summer plans...I will be in Waco for the summer. That's right. Good ol' Waco, Texas. Not exactly my first choice, but somewhere I feel at peace about. Nothing exciting is planned... I am living and working at North Village as an OA and I have received a grand total of 12 hours to work that job. That few hours at the pay I will be receiving is not quite enough to pay the bills, so I am in search of a second job. I wanted to work at the event planning company that I was going to apply at in the fall, but they are full for the summer. Apparently, summer is not the time for internships for me. Sigh. Oh well. What do you do? For me, I go find a random summer job. I applied to a number of places and today I will begin the task of hunting down another job. If you think about it, please pray for that provision.
 
In addition to working as an OA and at some random place, I will also be taking summer school. The first summer session, I will be appreciating art at MCC. The second, I will be praying that I remember more Spanish than I think I do. I have this awful feeling that the professor will just start talking in Spanish and I won't have a clue what he's saying. It's been awhile folks and I am a little more than rusty. If anyone would like to help in the tutoring department...that would be helpful. It's so sad. I am hispanic and am nowhere near fluent. It's pitiful- I am an embarassment to my race. Oh well. Although, Gilbert (one of the OA's I am working with) says that it's excusable because I am only half hispanic. I guess that makes me feel better...not really, but he was just trying to be sweet.
 
So those are my summer plans in a nutshell: work and school in Waco. Some of the great aspects of being in Waco for the summer (and you thought there was no such thing. I will be able to spend time with my sweet friends Nicki and Laura. We are all so busy during the regular school year, that it will be nice to have more time to hang out with them. I also know many of the staff I am working with at North Village and will have the opportunity to get to know more of them. Everyone seems really great and I am excited about getting to know them better. I have a great roommate- Samantha. I liked her the instant I met her and I am excited about living with her this summer. I am also super excited about being with the college group at Highland. It's a lot smaller during the summer so you can actually get to know people, whereas it is much harder to do that during the year. I will finally be able to get closer to my college pastor and I am looking forward to just soaking in all that God has to teach me this summer.
 
I predict this will be a summer of growth for me. I am actually excited about being in Waco, Texas for the summer....words very few ever utter. My plans were not God's plans this summer. As a matter of fact, my plans are hardly ever God's plans. I know that there is a reason I did not get any of the internships I wanted. I can't see why right now, but I am trusting that God has something better for me this summer. Yes, something better even in Waco, Texas.
 
 
Currently Reading: Women of the Bible, by Ann Spangler and Jean E. Syswerda

Saturday, May 6, 2006

Praying Through the Difficulty

So I am still working through this disappointment thing, but God is faithful. I can't let myself forget that. He loves me and wants the best for me. He is sovereign, all-knowing, all-powerful, and faithful. I got a note in my box from my secret sis...and of course it was the perfect words at the perfect time (and no she didn't even know what was going on with me). I saw it as a sweet kiss from God and was reminded of several things.
 
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today...the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." ~Exocus 14:13-14
"But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and strainging towards what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 2:13-14
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" ~ 1 John 3:1
 
Yeah, so basically God's voice was popping out of the card.
 
So now what? I have no earthly idea. Not a clue. However, this weekend I will be spending my time in prayer and meditation about it. Finals are over so I can finally devote more time to that and really seek God's face regarding this summer. I have a couple of options that I am praying over...some include San Antonio and the convention center, some include Waco, an OA position, and an event planning company I was going to apply at for the fall anyway. I don't know. These are just some options that have become available...I don't really know what God's thoughts are on it, yet. So if you think about me this weekend, please pray that God reveal Himself to me and that He would let me know where He wants me this summer. Of course I have some thoughts on what I would want to do...but in my heart of hearts, I really do want to do His will. I don't want to choose the wrong thing. I am just struggling a bit on discerning what exactly that is. So prayers would be appreciated.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

Dealing with Disappointment

So today was the culmination of a disappointing year. I heard back from the final internship I was holding out for...a big resounding no. I should feel better about this no because it wasn't that I wasn't qualified and it wasn't because they chose someone else. It was because they are reorganizing and decided to suspend all internships until summer '07. That's great. Good for them. Information that might have been somewhat helpful to know 2 months ago. Sigh. I really tried hard today to be ok. I fought back tears and tried to convince myself that God has a bigger plan. I mean, I know He does...but that doesn't make this any easier. So many people tried to make me feel better...tried to offer words of encouragement, but really only made things worse. Not on purpose of course, but simply because they really can't understand. I feel like such a failure. But it's funny because I work my butt off in everything that I do. I guess that's part of what is so disappointing. I've worked so hard to be where I am, tried to use my gifts and talents to give God all of me. And I feel as though I have nothing to show for it. Like it didn't really matter that I have worked so hard.
 
It also hurts because this is the second summer for this to happen. I actually got an internship last summer, but it fell through, so that left me at home for the summer- disappointed, defeated, and hopeful of this summer. So I am really trying to figure out a lot of things. Like why this keeps happening. What God is trying to tell me. What the heck He does have planned for me. I have to say that this one is really hard. The last place I wanted to be this summer was at home. And that's where I apparently will be- with no internship, no direction, and no idea where I am supposed to go from here.
 
I'm trying hard to remind myself of God's promises. I know He loves me. I know He has a plan for me. I know He will reveal His will in His time. But that doesn't change the fact that this really hurts. It doesn't make it any less disappointing or scary. I am trying to remind myself of all the things God has been telling me in the past few weeks about trust, patience, waiting. I can't help but want to scream to Him, "Wait for what God?!?! It seems to me like I have just been waiting all year for disappointment!" Of course, I know that's not true, but...
 
I think I am taking it harder than normal, simply because this has seemed to be the year of disappointments. So many things that have been a let down, that have been discouraging, that have been hard, that have been challenging. Whether it be with CL stuff, residents, friends, internships, school, etc...too many things I really can't even begin to talk about (if I did, I could write 50 pages and would just start crying all over again). I'm really not trying to be depressing...just needing to vent. I have tried so  desperately to seek after Him and do His will for my life. But this year has been quite a blow. If you could just pray for me if you think about it. I'd appreciate it.