Monday, September 3, 2007


Everyday it gets harder and harder to hold it together. That sounds so depressing and melodramatic…I don’t mean it to be. I’m just trying to be honest with my feelings. My mom has recently started asking me the question, “what set you off this time?” I wish there was some way I could explain to her that there is nothing in particular that “sets me off.” There is no trigger. It’s just the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day still living in my parents’ house, still jobless, still having no prospects. It’s the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day having to hit the pavement searching for a job…again. It’s the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day still drowning in God’s silence. I think she thinks that at some point, I will just get over this down time and just be ok. Unfortunately, the more days that go by, the worse it gets.
I hate even voicing these feelings. They don’t sound like me at all. I’ve lost so much of who I thought I was. Or at least it seems as though I have. I had never really considered myself an extremely prideful person…but any sort of pride I did have has been stripped away. I fear that my discouragement is now eating away at any ounce of confidence I thought I had. I doubt everything about myself now. Am I really good at something? Was I ever really good at anything or was I just lucky? Does hard work really count for anything except a good grade and a few extra ulcers? Am I really going to succeed? Is there really a good plan for my life? Do I really have what it takes? Because everything around me is screaming NO!
I pray. I pray a lot. I pray hard. I pray alone. I pray with others. I pray quietly. I pray loudly. I ask God questions. I ask Him for certain things. I offer Him my heart. I give Him a piece of my mind. I scream at Him a lot. I sit silently before His throne. I strain to hear even the faintest whisper. I cry. I plead. I try to have faith. I desperately look for ways to increase my faith. I desperately look for things to encourage, inspire, and provide hope. And there is still deafening silence in return. I’ve lost my pride. I’ve lost my confidence. I’ve lost my drive to achieve. Oh, I know I will get those things back eventually. I just fear how long it will be until those things return to a healthy level, and I fear the irreparable damage it is doing to my heart along the way.
Nobody likes Mondays. But this summer has forced me to look at Mondays in a new way. Most people dread Mondays (as did I) because it means the start of another week. It means going back to work/class after a nice restful and work/class-free weekend. It means responsibility and effort. It means facing deadlines, meetings, and craziness. Mondays are generally hated the world-over. But I hate Mondays now for a different reason. I hate Mondays because it is the start of another week, yes, but another week without a job. In a very sick way, I have to admit that I envy everyone getting up and going to work. I wish I was facing responsibility and effort again. I long for deadlines, meetings, and craziness again.
People (and the Bible too) say you are supposed to be content where you are. You are supposed to praise Him despite your circumstances. I agree with that. Even if I don't like it, I have to agree with it because that's what God's Word says. But what does that really look like, in real life? Does that mean that you just get over down times and be ok? Does that mean that you walk around with a smile on your face all the time? Does that mean that you sing praise and happy songs to Him when what you really feel like doing is crying your eyes out and screaming at Him? And what happens if you don't do those things? Are you sinning? Are you missing the point? Are you getting it all wrong? It might seem like it. But what do you do when you ask for wisdom and you don't get it? What do you do when you ask God to guide you and He doesn't? What do you do when you want to do God's will, you just aren't getting any indication of what that might be? What do you do when you feel unsettled where you are, but have surrendered to Him nonetheless, and He still doesn't answer you? What happens when you have your hands wide open, ready to go and do whatever wherever, but He doesn't tell you where to go or what to do? What do you do when you seek Him with all of your heart and He still remains hidden and silent?