Sunday, September 24, 2006

A Weekend in the Big City

This weekend I had the opportunity to head to Dallas and network for a job. I got offered the chance to meet with a global consulting firm and to attend their women’s networking forum. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but I walked away with a new sense of adventure, an excitement for life after graduation, a renewed desire to travel, and a new-found love for the big city. I absolutely fell in love with the company, what it stood for, what it promoted...I also fell absolutely head-over-heels in love with Dallas. Haha. Sounds weird, I know. But I have concluded that I am definitely a big-city girl. Waco has been cramping my style.

As I sat and listened to everything they had to say, a number of thoughts and emotions ran through me. Am I really cut out for this line of work? Do I have what it takes to succeed? Would I really enjoy living in countless cities across the US and possibly the world? Is this a coincidence that I am sitting here listening to all of this? Is God trying to tell me something? Am I basing all of my decisions on “what ifs” and if so, should I stop? Would I even know what the heck I am doing? Would I be a fish out of water? How can this be an opportunity for me to utilize my business skills for God’s glory? Is this all too good to be true? What about my internship at Pendley, how does that play into all of this? And they went on and on….

I don’t have many answers to these questions, but I walked away from this weekend with all kinds of random thoughts...
  • The closer and closer I get to graduation, the more and more confused and lost I am about what I am supposed to do with my life.
  • The more and more I think about it, the more I realize that I don’t know anything- lol. I have so much to learn about everything.
  • I need to stop focusing on the “what ifs” that I keep waiting for…I need to live in the right now. When else in my life will I be able to accommodate the life of a traveling career women? Never. So why not take advantage of the opportunity now?
  • I don’t think I was sitting in that forum on accident. God chose me to go and I believe there was a specific reason for that. It could be that this is the job I have been praying for; or it could be that He wants me to be constantly on my knees regarding this career/job decision.
  • I have recently been feeling very inadequate and out of place in a lot of what I am doing. This is not a normal feeling for me. I have always been confident in my abilities, focused on my goals, and able to achieve what I set out to accomplish. But lately, I just feel so lost. I think part of that is God’s way of keeping me humble and reminding me that what I think I know, I really don’t. Haha. I think part of it is that God wants me to rely completely on Him, and not a bit on my own achievements or abilities.
  • Something else I thought about this weekend that was somewhat related to the forum, but not really...I have concluded that God can best use me to glorify Himself and advance His kingdom being single. This may not sound very profound...but to me, it is a sweet revelation from God. All this time, I have been praying, begging ,God to provide that relationship that I desire so much. And all this time, He has been trying to tell me that I am best used right now on my own. He has assured me that someday, when the timing is right, it will be my time and God will provide that loving relationship so that He can be even further glorified through the two of us. But until then, I need to be content and surrendered to the fact that I am best able to glorify Him in my present circumstances. He wouldn't have me here otherwise. Hmmm...go figure. Sometimes I am so slow at learning these things...

So about this particular job? I see it as an exciting opportunity; something I hadn’t really thought about before, but something that would allow me to travel, allow me to live in different cities, allow me use my business skills, allow me to pay off my student loans , allow me to be independent and on my own, yet completely and utterly dependent on Him…so unless some doors get slammed in my face, I say…why not? I think I am going to jump into this thing, take the plunge, put myself out there. It would definitely stretch me in ways I wouldn’t normally not trust myself to be stretched.

The rest of the weekend I was able to spend hanging out with April, which was so great. I have missed her so much. We still keep in touch, but it's hard now that she has graduated and moved away. So this weekend meant a lot. It made me so grateful for the sweet friendship that God provided in her. We spent some good hang out time together... gallavanting around Dallas, reading and sipping lattes in trendy coffee shops (lol), walking the trail in search of hot boys, shopping at Mockingbird station, being attacked by her psychotic cat was a great weekend, and I am so glad that I had the chance to be with her.

God also definitely used this weekend to show me that He is taking care of me. He knows where I will be in May. He already has a job lined up for me. He only has the best waiting for me, and I just need to rest in Him until He chooses to reveal that plan.

Currently Reading: The Big Sister's Guide to the World of Work: The Inside Rules Every Working Girl Must Know, by Marcelle Langan DiFalco and Jocelyn Greenky Herz

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Nothing Else I Need

Things have gotten worse with Michael, and I think I got played. And I can't tell you how angry that makes me. I am so angry right now, I can't cry. I even tried to and couldn't. Because, yes, I am hurt. There's nothing to really describe the hurt and disappointment that I am feeling right now. But I can't get past the anger. I am so upset I just don't think he is worth my tears. Of course, I don't mean that in my heart of hearts. He's my brother, of course he's worth it. But he's not deserving of my tears at the moment. Even more than how I feel about it, my heart is breaking for my mom. She just sat and cried on the phone today, and it killed me that I wasn't there to give her a hug. And I couldn't help but think that I got played. He sat across the table from me at EZ's and lied straight to my face. He made me feel sorry for him, made me want to side with him. He played me like a fiddle...
I am just trying to understand. A friend asked me today what I think it was that is causing him to do all of this. Right. Like I know. The only thing that remotely makes sense is that he's on crack. He's not, by the way, at least as far as I know...but yeah. I have no idea what the heck he is thinking or what is really wrong with him. Well, I do know that he is not walking with God. Despite what he told me about his relationship with God being fine. It's far from fine. I have known that things have not been fine for a year. But part of the problem is that he thinks things are ok. I just have this unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach that things are going to get worse before they get family is going through an intense spiritual battle.
There is so much going on right now. I went from bored to a lot going on...go figure. Being busy doesn't bother me; I actually do better when I am busy. There have just been a lot of things on my mind- stresses, if you will. I'm actually proud of myself on how I have been handling it- no major freak outs so far. But it has been somewhat draining emotionally. Family stuff, friend issues, boys (particularly the lack of...haha), job search, finances, what I am doing with my know, the usual. It has just been draining. And of course, as always (because he's awesome like that), God gave me an encouraging word. A song by Jeremy Camp, to be exact. And it pretty much speaks for itself:
When I think of all I've seen nothing
Compares to what you give
And to drink of what you bring you quench
The thirst for me to live
I am satisfied by what tenderness you've
Shown to me and I empty all that I am

And you fill my life you're everything to me
There's nothing else I need anymore
And I know you are everything to me and
There's nothing else I need anymore

I have tasted and I know this fire birthed
Inside will only grow and I've sought all that
This world tried to offer me and it lead me
To your feet and I empty all that I am

And you fill my life you're everything to me
There's nothing else I need anymore
And I know you are everything to me and
There's nothing else I need anymore

I will lay down all my needs and you will
Come and make them new
To make you my only desire my desire

And you fill my life you're everything to me
And you fill my life you're everything to me
There's nothing else I need anymore
And I know you are everything to me and
There's nothing else I need anymore
There's nothing else I need...
He's everything to me. And there is nothing  else I need anymore. I don't need family and friend life to be perfect. I don't need a boy. I don't need that perfect job. I don't need anything but Him. He's everything  to me...
Currently Listening: Nothing Else I Need, by Jeremy Camp (Restored)

Monday, September 4, 2006

Trying to Make Sense of It All

I had the opportunity to go home this weekend for labor day. Little did I know what was in store for me...while I love being home, this weekend was hard. It definitely was emotionally draining to say the least.
Recently, I asked for prayers about my brother. Well, a lot of things came to light this weekend and now I am left to make sense of it all. It's hard to see someone you love make bad decisions about their life. It's hard to see someone you love head down a path that you know will not glorify God, or lead them to a life of joy and peace. It's hard to see someone you love head in this direction, especially when it's your baby brother.
Ok. So he's not a baby. He's 19 and has been bigger than me since like 8th grade. Regardless of how big he is, he will always be my baby brother. God blessed us with a close relationship growing up. We've always been close. I can't really describe it, but we always seemed to be close. Of course we had our sibling rivalry moments, but not like most. And when my brother couldn't talk to my parents anymore (just out of normal teenage angst), he would at least talk to me. He would at least confide in his big sister. I can't tell you what that meant to me. So when that started changing last year, my heart couldn't take it. It hurt too much. I didn't know what the deal was...all I knew was that we were growing farther apart. So that has been hard to deal with over the past year. More than that, I have watched him change. And change in such a way that made me not like him very much. I could no longer brag about my sweet, caring, sensitive, loving, amazing brother. I watched His relationship with God slip to the back burner. I watched little compromises occur...all the time trying to speak into his life, but just pushing him farther and farther into silence. The more I tried to encourage Him, the more he retreated. I didn't really know him anymore...and it scared me. It's hard to describe on a xanga...anyone who knows us, knows what a close relationship we have always had. And knows how much this really hurts.
I have been desperately praying for him. I have been praying that God would reveal what he was hiding (because I could tell there was something he was not telling). I have been praying that God would make my brother literally ache for Him. I have been desperately praying for a godly mentor to enter his life, someone that would be able to speak into my brother's life in a way that I obviously couldn't anymore. And after this weekend, I am still left praying...
I can't even pinpoint how I am feeling right now. Hurt. Deceived. Lied to. Angry. Disappointed. Confused. Annoyed. Scared. I don't know. It is getting easier and easier for him to rationalize different things. Out of respect for him, I don't want to share specifics about what came to light this weekend. But it's some heavy stuff. And I am at a loss. Because he knows what he should be doing. He knows what he is doing is wrong. And yet he is doing it anyway. Willfully. What is a big sister to do?!?!  
Thankfully, God gave me the opportunity to talk with him this weekend alone, and he did open up a little. He's hurting, which makes me hurt, but he is turning to other things instead of God for comfort and relief. I am grateful for the brief time we had to talk...I just don't know how much he still left out, or even how much he was truthful about. It's funny...I have dealt with this before. With extended family members, with friends. Somehow this is harder. Somehow this hurts more. So if you think about it, please pray for my brother. He needs a lot of prayer and a miracle from God.