Monday, September 4, 2006

Trying to Make Sense of It All

I had the opportunity to go home this weekend for labor day. Little did I know what was in store for me...while I love being home, this weekend was hard. It definitely was emotionally draining to say the least.
Recently, I asked for prayers about my brother. Well, a lot of things came to light this weekend and now I am left to make sense of it all. It's hard to see someone you love make bad decisions about their life. It's hard to see someone you love head down a path that you know will not glorify God, or lead them to a life of joy and peace. It's hard to see someone you love head in this direction, especially when it's your baby brother.
Ok. So he's not a baby. He's 19 and has been bigger than me since like 8th grade. Regardless of how big he is, he will always be my baby brother. God blessed us with a close relationship growing up. We've always been close. I can't really describe it, but we always seemed to be close. Of course we had our sibling rivalry moments, but not like most. And when my brother couldn't talk to my parents anymore (just out of normal teenage angst), he would at least talk to me. He would at least confide in his big sister. I can't tell you what that meant to me. So when that started changing last year, my heart couldn't take it. It hurt too much. I didn't know what the deal was...all I knew was that we were growing farther apart. So that has been hard to deal with over the past year. More than that, I have watched him change. And change in such a way that made me not like him very much. I could no longer brag about my sweet, caring, sensitive, loving, amazing brother. I watched His relationship with God slip to the back burner. I watched little compromises occur...all the time trying to speak into his life, but just pushing him farther and farther into silence. The more I tried to encourage Him, the more he retreated. I didn't really know him anymore...and it scared me. It's hard to describe on a xanga...anyone who knows us, knows what a close relationship we have always had. And knows how much this really hurts.
I have been desperately praying for him. I have been praying that God would reveal what he was hiding (because I could tell there was something he was not telling). I have been praying that God would make my brother literally ache for Him. I have been desperately praying for a godly mentor to enter his life, someone that would be able to speak into my brother's life in a way that I obviously couldn't anymore. And after this weekend, I am still left praying...
I can't even pinpoint how I am feeling right now. Hurt. Deceived. Lied to. Angry. Disappointed. Confused. Annoyed. Scared. I don't know. It is getting easier and easier for him to rationalize different things. Out of respect for him, I don't want to share specifics about what came to light this weekend. But it's some heavy stuff. And I am at a loss. Because he knows what he should be doing. He knows what he is doing is wrong. And yet he is doing it anyway. Willfully. What is a big sister to do?!?!  
Thankfully, God gave me the opportunity to talk with him this weekend alone, and he did open up a little. He's hurting, which makes me hurt, but he is turning to other things instead of God for comfort and relief. I am grateful for the brief time we had to talk...I just don't know how much he still left out, or even how much he was truthful about. It's funny...I have dealt with this before. With extended family members, with friends. Somehow this is harder. Somehow this hurts more. So if you think about it, please pray for my brother. He needs a lot of prayer and a miracle from God.

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