Wednesday, May 3, 2006

Dealing with Disappointment

So today was the culmination of a disappointing year. I heard back from the final internship I was holding out for...a big resounding no. I should feel better about this no because it wasn't that I wasn't qualified and it wasn't because they chose someone else. It was because they are reorganizing and decided to suspend all internships until summer '07. That's great. Good for them. Information that might have been somewhat helpful to know 2 months ago. Sigh. I really tried hard today to be ok. I fought back tears and tried to convince myself that God has a bigger plan. I mean, I know He does...but that doesn't make this any easier. So many people tried to make me feel better...tried to offer words of encouragement, but really only made things worse. Not on purpose of course, but simply because they really can't understand. I feel like such a failure. But it's funny because I work my butt off in everything that I do. I guess that's part of what is so disappointing. I've worked so hard to be where I am, tried to use my gifts and talents to give God all of me. And I feel as though I have nothing to show for it. Like it didn't really matter that I have worked so hard.
It also hurts because this is the second summer for this to happen. I actually got an internship last summer, but it fell through, so that left me at home for the summer- disappointed, defeated, and hopeful of this summer. So I am really trying to figure out a lot of things. Like why this keeps happening. What God is trying to tell me. What the heck He does have planned for me. I have to say that this one is really hard. The last place I wanted to be this summer was at home. And that's where I apparently will be- with no internship, no direction, and no idea where I am supposed to go from here.
I'm trying hard to remind myself of God's promises. I know He loves me. I know He has a plan for me. I know He will reveal His will in His time. But that doesn't change the fact that this really hurts. It doesn't make it any less disappointing or scary. I am trying to remind myself of all the things God has been telling me in the past few weeks about trust, patience, waiting. I can't help but want to scream to Him, "Wait for what God?!?! It seems to me like I have just been waiting all year for disappointment!" Of course, I know that's not true, but...
I think I am taking it harder than normal, simply because this has seemed to be the year of disappointments. So many things that have been a let down, that have been discouraging, that have been hard, that have been challenging. Whether it be with CL stuff, residents, friends, internships, school, etc...too many things I really can't even begin to talk about (if I did, I could write 50 pages and would just start crying all over again). I'm really not trying to be depressing...just needing to vent. I have tried so  desperately to seek after Him and do His will for my life. But this year has been quite a blow. If you could just pray for me if you think about it. I'd appreciate it.

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