Thursday, August 9, 2007

At the Breaking Point...and in Need of a "Thomas" Moment

89 days. I liked it so much better when I was counting down to something (i.e. graduation). A countdown has an end. You can see the end. I am in the midst of a countup, if you will. You can't see an end to this count. And as each day goes by, I find myself more frustrated, more discouraged. 89 days since I graduated. 89 days on the job hunt. 89 days with no more prospects than when I started. I thought I had reached my breaking point about a week ago. A job that looked to be like an answer to prayer turned out to be a scam. I was confused at all the "signs" that I thought pointed to God's plan. Everything seemed to be pointing in that direction and falling into place. I realize now, that that one was just a test. A test to see if I was going to trust His plan and not just jump at the first thing that came along. I passed that one pretty well, if I do say so myself. But I was still broken, because I still had no job.
So when the email came for a job interview in Dallas a few days later...I thought God was finally reaching down. I went to Dallas and interviewed. I prayed that I would know in the interview if this is where I was supposed to be, based on how I felt about the company. I had to pray that specifically to protect me from myself. I went to the interview and absolutely fell in love with the company. They offered decent pay...they offered training...and they offered benefits! (All 3 are hard to come by in the field I want to be in) Based on all of my prayers and what I felt God was doing, where He was leading...I really thought this was it. Everyone who has been surrounding me with prayer thought this was finally it. The interview went well. I left Dallas, trusting that God really did have something good for me.
The letter came yesterday. It was like all the others. "You have excellent qualifications and are someone we would normally look for in a candidate. Unfortunately..." You are great (even perfect!), BUT... your qualifications are impressive, BUT... And that's how I arrived at 89 days. This one hurt more than all of the others because of all the prayer and circumstances that surrounded it. I truly stepped out in faith on this one...and I feel as though I have been slapped in the face. I feel empty and am filled with this nagging feeling: there really isn't something that good planned for you. I never dreamed that I could ever reach a place like this- where I felt this empty, this discouraged. I am really struggling right now to face the reality of my circumstances despite what I have always known to be true. I feel like I am in a dark and scary place, because I am really struggling to see God's hand, to keep believing that He has something good planned for me. I am desperately seeking His face, His plan, His will. And I am only met with silence and confusion. My faith is wavering, and I am scared. I am scared about the spiritual implications my reactions have to my walk. I am scared about what this might actually mean for my career. I am scared that I might not have any grand plans for my life. I am scared I am going to end up in a random job, a job that I go to every day just to pay the bills. I am scared that I poured out my blood, tears, and sweat for 4 years for no reason. I am scared that all of my hard work means nothing. I am scared that there is no practical calling on my life like I have always believed and pursued. I am scared that I will still be here in another 89 days. It's not that I believe that God can't do this; it's that I am starting to believe that He won't for whatever reason. And somehow that almost seems worse. I am scared that I am doubting God's goodness. Like, "just kidding! all those good things I can do for my children aren't for you."
I don't like the way I am dealing with all of this...I would have liked to think I would have faced this with more faith. But my spirit is pretty broken right now; so I am desperately praying for a "Thomas moment"- I lack the faith right now to take Him at His word without something tangible. I am ashamed to admit that I have to see proof. I just don't know what else to do...
My mom told me today that she had enough faith to make up for the lack of mine...I really hope so :(

No comments:

Post a Comment