That Time Jesus Spared My Life

I have been trying to figure out if and how I wanted to write this post. The last couple of months have been crazy on a good day, so it has been hard to find the time to sit and write. But I have also had a lot of emotions to process. I don't want to sound over dramatic, but the fact of the matter is that I had a fairly traumatic medical emergency, and it left me feeling pretty anxious. 

I have always wanted this blog to be an account of my journey...to the heart of God, how He takes care of me, what He is teaching me, the blessings He bestows in my life. Now that I have had a little more time to process, I know that I want to have a record of all the Lord has done. And my counselor has encouraged me to tell my story. While I have had my anxious moments {and am still trying to work through that}, there are countless ways the Lord showed up on September 18th. And I don't ever want to forget it.

So if you'll allow me to recount what happened and record the gracious hand of God on my life...

Forewarning: I will try to spare some details, but I will also be talking about blood and other medical issues. Just a heads up, in case that's not your thing. You can skip past the Medical Emergency section :)

Medical Emergency- What I Remember

When Aiden was born on August 26th, I had another fairly large hemorrhage at the time of delivery. It was enough that I needed a blood transfusion, but it seemed not to be as severe as the one with the twins, because I was alert and able to enjoy those first few hours with my baby boy. The doctor just said I was a bleeder, I got my transfusion, and all was well. I went home, and didn't have any other issues. 

On September 18th, Aiden woke up to eat around 2am. I pulled him out of his bassinet and sat up to get ready to feed him and felt a huge, warm gush. It didn't stop, so I woke Mike up and told him he needed to take Aiden so I could run to the bathroom. By the time I took the 4 steps to the bathroom, my clothes were soaked through, and I was standing in my own blood. I started to panic because it was coming fast and not stopping. I told Mike that I thought I needed to go to the hospital, but not to come into the bathroom, because it was starting to look like a crime scene. He asked me if we needed to call 9-1-1, and I immediately said yes. I knew there was no way we would make it to the hospital on our own, and I didn't know what we would do with our kiddos. 

I hopped in the shower because I didn't know what else to do. The bleeding was still fast and still not stopping, and was soaking through everything I used to try to stop it. While he called 9-1-1 {still holding my hungry Aiden boy}, I just sat in the shower and watched my blood wash down the drain. It was in that moment that I started to feel scared, thinking that I might actually bleed out in my bathroom. The paramedics didn't take long to get to the house, but time seemed to stand still. 

When they got there, I was still alert {a huge praise and miracle, given how much I was losing}, and I was able to walk to the stretcher and answer their questions. Poor Mike looked so helpless and didn't know what to do with Aiden. The poor paramedic felt so bad, but gently had to tell us that Aiden couldn't go with me in the ambulance, because he didn't have a way to secure him. I am thankful the Lord kept me conscious and alert enough to remember that we had some formula and bottles in a box in the nursery "just in case." I remember telling Mike that he would have to give Aiden a bottle. I don't remember wheeling through the house, but I do remember when we got outside {I could feel the warm air} and when they loaded me into the ambulance. I was conscious, but barely. My eyelids were so heavy, and I just remember feeling so tired and sluggish. But I do remember the ambulance ride, the IV, giving the paramedic some basic information. He was beyond kind and took such good care of me.

I remember them saying we had arrived at the hospital, but I don't remember being in the ER. I remember seeing my OB at some point, a few medical conversations here and there, someone telling me I had lost too much blood and didn't have time to pump {because I remember asking several times about that during the day}, a loud machine and people talking while I was in a procedure, the sweet nurse who got me a heated blanket...but I didn't really know what happened between the time I arrived at the hospital and the time I woke up in recovery that afternoon. I was able to piece together more information from Mike and my doctor later that evening.

Medical Emergency- Filling in the Gaps of What Happened

When I arrived in the Emergency Room, they gave me 2 units of blood. My OB {Dr. Banks} was called in to do an emergency D&C to try to stop the bleeding. It was during that procedure that they discovered that I had retained placenta. She was able to remove that {a small 2cm piece} and ordered another 2 units of blood, because I continued to bleed through that procedure.

I don't really know when Dr. Dani got involved {perhaps she was at the hospital? or Dr. Banks consulted with her since she was at Aiden's delivery?}, but she arrived and made the call to the Interventional Radiologist to get the OR prepped, just in case. She knew that if I was going to continue bleeding after the D&C, it would be pretty immediate, and that I would need to immediately go into a second procedure. Not that Dr. Banks didn't know...she did. It was a joint effort by a lot of doctors and nurses that day.

I came out of the D&C, and I do remember feeling nauseated, getting sick, and feeling another large, warm gush. Nurse Tracy was the one who knew that wasn't right and immediately called Dr. Dani. I mention this sweet nurse because Dr. Dani later told me that my nurse care made all the difference for me that day.

So I was wheeled into the OR for a Uterine Artery Embolization. I was in and out of sleep and remember hearing the noise of the imaging machine moving and pieces of conversations about sizing for some part of the procedure. Basically, they went through my femoral artery to get to my uterus, where they placed 5 coils inside to stop the bleeding. After hours of bleeding, 4 units of blood, and massive amounts of medication, the bleeding stopped almost immediately. I was able to meet Dr. Pong {the Interventional Radiologist} the next day and personally thank him for {literally} helping to save my life.

I was then wheeled into a special recovery room where I had my own individual nurse, who was so sweet to bring me a heated blanket that resembled bubble wrap. I was there for a few hours, where they observed me to be sure I didn't bleed anymore. The next procedure would have been a hysterectomy. I wasn't allowed to move for several hours, needing to remain still and lie on my back so I didn't bother the incision. Mike was finally able to see me for a few minutes, and by this time, it was already after lunch.

I stayed a little longer in recovery before I was taken to my hospital room where Mike, Aiden, and a blessed breast pump were waiting. It had been over 13 hours since I had been able to nurse/pump, and it was such a relief to finally be able to do that. There was some question about a medication I was taking, so I had to pump and dump, so I am so thankful that Aiden took to bottles of formula so well. 

I stayed overnight, but then was able to go home the next day. I was put on 4 weeks of lifting restrictions, but otherwise was given a good prognosis.

How the Lord Took Care of Me

This could be a post in itself, but for now, I would like to just make a list of all the ways the Lord showed up in all the details of that day. Because there are so many things that had to go right at the right time that day for me to be here sharing my story. That's a big thing to process, and I am still working through that. But I am so thankful for God's watch-care over my life. 

• The Monday before was my first day running solo with all 3 kiddos. I am so thankful this didn't happen while I was home alone with them.
• I am thankful this didn't happen with the twins {as it easily could have}. Because then we would still have had 2 waiting embryos. And then we wouldn't have our precious Aiden...
• I am thankful that I didn't have one bit of pain in the whole ordeal. 
• The Lord lined up all of the right paramedics, nurses, and doctors that day. Each was undistracted, paying close attention, which made all the difference in the immediacy and accuracy of my care. It could have easily been different.
• Living in Melissa, the closest hospital is the one where I delivered Aiden. If we had still been living in Plano, I would have been taken to a different hospital. I wouldn't have had the care of my own OB, or the OB who had delivered Aiden. That also could have easily made a difference...
• I am thankful that Dr. Dani insisted on a transfusion after Aiden's delivery. I could have been anemic when all the bleeding started, which could have changed things.
• I am thankful that Dr. Banks was able to quickly identify the cause of the bleeding {retained placenta} and remove all remaining pieces. I am also thankful that she took extra precautions, as she was convinced the D&C wasn't going to be enough {and she was right}. 
• I am thankful that Dr. Pong was available and willing to be "on-call" when Dr. Dani called him. He was ready and waiting for me when I started bleeding again, so I was able to go into that second procedure as quickly as possible. There was no lag time.
• Mike had a hard time getting ahold of someone after the ambulance took me. My aunt {who was our on-call person when Aiden was born} usually turns her phone off at night, especially when all of her kids are home {which they were that night}, but she "just happened" to leave it on. She was able to get to the house {along with Mike's mom} to be there when the twins woke up so that Mike could head to the hospital.
• Our kiddos had no idea all this happened. Eli and Maddie were sleeping and got to wake up to Granny and my aunt {people who had already taken care of them and people they have lots of fun with}, and Aiden got to hang out with Daddy and Aunt Lindsay in the hospital. They all rolled with the punches and did really well.
• I am thankful for the prayers that were lifted up on my behalf. All the prayer chains were running, and I know the Lord answered countless prayers.
• I am thankful for all of our family who stepped in to help. For Mike's mom who was able to get to Eli and Maddie before they woke up. For my parents who were able to make the trip up and get to them by that afternoon. For Lindsay, who was able to hold and comfort Aiden, as well as keep Mike distracted and calm. 
• I am thankful for my husband, who held us all together in a crisis. He doesn't usually get rattled, and usually goes into "take charge" mode, so I shouldn't be surprised. But I am thankful the Lord kept him calm and clear headed to manage all the details on that scary day. 

Looking Forward

One of the conversations I remember having in between procedures is about whether or not we were done having kids. It was a brief conversation while I was in and out of consciousness, but I do remember having it. The second procedure was more of a permanent fix {metal coils}, but it would leave my uterus compromised. So I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again. And at the time, we were looking at the possibility of a full hysterectomy. We could have opted for a temporary fix {gel coils}, but they were recommending the metal coils. We have given all of our embryos a chance at life, and we knew we wouldn't adopt any more embryos. So we had no plans of getting pregnant again, and the answer was easy to give. But it has still been hard for me to process the finality of that. I guess there was always that small part of me that wanted to hold out hope that God would do that crazy miracle of our own genetic child after all was said and done... but while the finality of not being pregnant again is hard {especially since it was given in such a quick, emergency situation}, I am thankful there is finality to it. I don't have to have that thought in the back of my mind, that "but what if...?" There's a peace in that answer, and I am thankful for it, even if it is hard and a little sad.

I had my follow up with the doctor, and all checks out well. My lifting restrictions were removed, and physically, I am back to normal. I shouldn't experience any other complications related to that day, and there is even a small chance that the procedure could help my endometriosis {a random benefit}. I am not allowed to get pregnant, but my cycles should be normal, and there should be no chance of recurrence. 

I do believe that not being able to pump/nurse for so long that day is what started my struggles with plugged ducts and ultimately mastitis. And given all that my body had been through, just simply being 3 weeks postpartum and then the trauma of that day, it was just too much to recover. I am sad that our breastfeeding journey came to a quick end {especially since it was going so well!}, but I am super thankful that Aiden transitioned so well. It's not the story I wanted, but it was the one the Lord had written for us.

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Sorry for the long and detailed post. Like I said, I want to have a record of that day and all the Lord has done. While I am physically ok, I am still dealing with the emotional fallout of that day. I had a moment while I was waiting for the paramedics to arrive where I felt the fear of possibly dying. And then to later have the doctor confirm how close I actually was to dying...it's a lot to take in. I am sure the Lord has a lot to show me still. But for now, I am just filled with gratitude for how Jesus spared my life.