Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Infertility :: The Struggle to Grow Our Family

I have debated back and forth on whether or not to publish this. It has been written, edited, tweaked, erased, re-written {on multiple occasions}, and I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be ready to put it out into the blogosphere. Putting it out there for the world to see is difficult for many reasons, and for a long time I just haven't been ready. I don't think you're ever really ready for that moment when all is exposed and the intimate parts of your heart are laid open for the world to see...

But the reality is that this is part of our story. It's part of our marriage and our family, and it is shaping so much of who we are becoming in Jesus. This is certainly not a path we would have chosen, but it is the one the Lord has chosen for us. And I believe that He uses even the deepest of heartaches and struggles to show His glory.

This “path” is our journey in trying to grow our family, our walk through infertility. I {naively? arrogantly?} believed that when we were ready, we would be able to have a baby. I knew it could take a little while, but I never imagined that I would be sitting here 2 years later, sharing our story and struggle to achieve something our hearts so desperately desire. The struggle with infertility has been, in a word: heartbreaking. And I don’t mean that to be dramatic. I mean it to emphasize not only the reality of the struggle, but also how the Lord has been breaking down idols and expectations in our hearts.

There’s a lot in my heart on this issue, so I'm not really sure what it's going to look like to unpack it all. I plan to eventually share more specifics of our journey, but for now, it's good to just pen words to our struggle. It's freeing not to have to be cryptic about why 2014 was so hard, and why I wasn't sad to see it go. I realize putting this out for the world to see will probably invite questions. And questions are good and ok. But please be patient with me if I don't instantly share every intimate detail of our journey. The heartbreak and the struggle are still very real to us.

For a long time, it has been such an intimate and private struggle, and it was reasonable not to share it with the world. But I do believe it's time to begin sharing some of the realities we are facing, time to share our journey. I have been so blessed by those who have had the courage to share their struggle with infertility, so I pray that the Lord would use our struggle to encourage others.

I still don’t understand why this is our struggle, and most days I really wrestle with that in my heart before the Lord. But it is ours nonetheless, and it is not outside of God’s knowledge or care. Since it is part of my journey {and one that I hope is drawing me closer to the heart of my Savior}, it’s only fitting that it is shared here. Not only for a personal record, but my prayer is that I can offer some measure of encouragement, wisdom, and grace-filled words to others. If nothing more than to say, “I have been there. I understand, sweet sister, and I am sorry this is your struggle too. But more importantly, Jesus is here, and He is still good."

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