Saturday, April 29, 2017

Listen Up! An Ongoing Journey

I think one thing that people may forget is that infertility doesn't just go away when you have a baby. Whether you are able to conceive {on your own or with medical assistance} or you adopt a child and bring them home, the scars and affects of infertility still linger. There will always be glimpses of the struggle that creep up, and there can often still be difficult roads to face. 

For us, this is still the case because we lost babies and we still have babies waiting for us. Does holding Eli and Maddie make it easier? Yes. Absolutely. But infertility is a part of our story, and we cannot just put it behind us and "move on." In our specific case, there is still an element of sadness knowing that we will not have a little Mike or a little Erin running around. We still grieve sometimes the loss of having our own genetic children. We also still grieve the loss of our 6 babies. It's still hard to process that we won't get to hold and parent them this side of heaven. 

Because of our losses, it's scary to face future pregnancies, knowing that there are no guarantees. We know that in choosing the road we have, we could still face more heartache and loss. While we want to add to our family, we are also 100% committed to adding to our family; there is no changing our minds. And the whole process can be daunting at times. It's something we can't just say, "let's go for it!" and then "hello, baby!" We have to prepare both physically and financially in order to add to our family. There are doctor appointments, tests, medications, follow ups, etc. 

Please understand, I love my babies fiercely, and I will forever be grateful for the beautiful gift of Embryo Adoption. And I am beyond excited at the prospect of adding the 2 little ones who are still waiting for us. I am constantly amazed at how the Lord has chosen to grow our family, and I cannot imagine it any other way. But the process for it all is just different for us. And it's just a constant reminder of our infertility and brokenness. It's easy to get caught in thinking about the "what if's" and "could have beens." 

Unlike many of my friends, I will never have the fun of seeing 2 pink lines on a test without a medicated process and scheduled procedure. I will always struggle to fully enjoy a pregnancy, free of fear and worry, because of our losses. And I won't be able to look into the face of my children and see my husband. 

But I praise God that I have the opportunity to see 2 pink lines on a test because of medicated processes and scheduled procedures. I praise God for the gifts of life that only He can provide; even if He chooses not to give us 2 more children, I praise Him for the gift of pregnancy with Eli and Maddie. Something I wasn't supposed to experience, but, by His grace, did. And I love that Mike and I get to daily discover together who our kids will be and what they will look like. These are incredible blessings that should not be mine, and yet the Lord has made a way in the midst of all the "can'ts." 

And so we commit to walk this ongoing journey with Him. He is our Sustainer, our Provider, our Strength.

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