Sunday, November 8, 2009

God, Please Break My Heart

I don't even know where to begin. I don't think that I can begin to unpack all that God whispered to my heart this weekend. God has been speaking to me for several months now...little bits and pieces here and there. I knew that something needed to change in my life; I just didn't know where to begin. For awhile I have been feeling as though there was something more, something missing; I think part of me was fearful of what that "something more" would like like. But after this weekend, I can't ignore God's tugging on my heart.

I don't know what this is going to look like. And I am terrified of what it's actually going to mean. But I am committed to pray about what God would have for me. I apologize for being vague; I am still trying to work through some things in my heart. But I felt the need to write it down for the world to see. It is my first step toward this new journey. I am praying specifically that God will break my heart for the things that break His. I need to search the depths of my heart to understand why this doesn't just come naturally for me. I hate this part of myself; have I really become so self absorbed that I am unaffected by a hurting world around me? There are times when my heart is moved and filled with compassion and heartache...but I am ashamed to admit that I have hardly ever acted. I can't do that anymore. I have to do something.

I am also praying that God show me where I can be His hands and feet. I do my best to faithfully serve Him in different areas (BSF, our 20s group, etc.) But all those places are comfortable. And we are just not called to live a comfortable life. As much as I don't like hearing that, it's the truth. So I am praying about new opportunities to show God's love to a hurting world. I have been convicted lately about sharing the gospel. Someone asked the question, "when was the last time you shared the gospel?" And all I could do in response was cry. Because, again, I am ashamed to say that it's been too long. I could come up with all kinds of excuses. But they are just that: excuses. What excuse do I have to not share the amazing love, grace, peace I experience through a relationship with Christ?

So I am committing to pray. I am committing to lay my heart open before God and say, "do with me what You will, Lord." I would appreciate your prayers. My heart's desire is to draw closer to the heart of God; this is the next step in that journey.

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