At the Breaking Point...and in Need of a "Thomas" Moment

89 days. I liked it so much better when I was counting down to something (i.e. graduation). A countdown has an end. You can see the end. I am in the midst of a countup, if you will. You can't see an end to this count. And as each day goes by, I find myself more frustrated, more discouraged. 89 days since I graduated. 89 days on the job hunt. 89 days with no more prospects than when I started. I thought I had reached my breaking point about a week ago. A job that looked to be like an answer to prayer turned out to be a scam. I was confused at all the "signs" that I thought pointed to God's plan. Everything seemed to be pointing in that direction and falling into place. I realize now, that that one was just a test. A test to see if I was going to trust His plan and not just jump at the first thing that came along. I passed that one pretty well, if I do say so myself. But I was still broken, because I still had no job.

 

So when the email came for a job interview in Dallas a few days later...I thought God was finally reaching down. I went to Dallas and interviewed. I prayed that I would know in the interview if this is where I was supposed to be, based on how I felt about the company. I had to pray that specifically to protect me from myself. I went to the interview and absolutely fell in love with the company. They offered decent pay...they offered training...and they offered benefits! (All 3 are hard to come by in the field I want to be in) Based on all of my prayers and what I felt God was doing, where He was leading...I really thought this was it. Everyone who has been surrounding me with prayer thought this was finally it. The interview went well. I left Dallas, trusting that God really did have something good for me.

 

The letter came yesterday. It was like all the others. "You have excellent qualifications and are someone we would normally look for in a candidate. Unfortunately..." You are great (even perfect!), BUT... your qualifications are impressive, BUT... And that's how I arrived at 89 days. This one hurt more than all of the others because of all the prayer and circumstances that surrounded it. I truly stepped out in faith on this one...and I feel as though I have been slapped in the face. I feel empty and am filled with this nagging feeling: there really isn't something that good planned for you. I never dreamed that I could ever reach a place like this- where I felt this empty, this discouraged. I am really struggling right now to face the reality of my circumstances despite what I have always known to be true. I feel like I am in a dark and scary place, because I am really struggling to see God's hand, to keep believing that He has something good planned for me. I am desperately seeking His face, His plan, His will. And I am only met with silence and confusion. My faith is wavering, and I am scared. I am scared about the spiritual implications my reactions have to my walk. I am scared about what this might actually mean for my career. I am scared that I might not have any grand plans for my life. I am scared I am going to end up in a random job, a job that I go to every day just to pay the bills. I am scared that I poured out my blood, tears, and sweat for 4 years for no reason. I am scared that all of my hard work means nothing. I am scared that there is no practical calling on my life like I have always believed and pursued. I am scared that I will still be here in another 89 days. It's not that I believe that God can't do this; it's that I am starting to believe that He won't for whatever reason. And somehow that almost seems worse. I am scared that I am doubting God's goodness. Like, "just kidding! all those good things I can do for my children aren't for you."

 

I don't like the way I am dealing with all of this...I would have liked to think I would have faced this with more faith. But my spirit is pretty broken right now; so I am desperately praying for a "Thomas moment"- I lack the faith right now to take Him at His word without something tangible. I am ashamed to admit that I have to see proof. I just don't know what else to do...

 

My mom told me today that she had enough faith to make up for the lack of mine...I really hope so :(

The War Rages On

I try not to get into conversations over political issues. It's not that I am afraid of them; it just seems too much of a hot button with people and it is usually not an issue that has a great weight of eternal value. And I tend to be on the opposite side of issues than most people who are looking to debate. That's not always the case, but my experiences with it just keeps me from really getting into it with people. Of course, the major political issue right now is this war that contines to rage in Iraq. We all want our troops to come home; but I can't even begin to think I know when is best for peace and safety, both overseas and at home. Regardless of your feelings about the war, the fact remains that we have men and women putting their lives on the line for what they believe in, protecting our American way of life. They fight bravely so that I can have the freedoms I enjoy. And I will continue to pray for and support these brave men and women, and their families, until they do come home.

 

The war hit closer to home this week. My cousin just got deployed. He joined the army reserves earlier this year, but has been called to active duty. We are still unsure of where he will be sent. He left this morning for training stateside. Then he will be sent overseas. We are really praying for Kuwait. But he got pulled from his unit, and there is still a possibility he could end up in Iraq. He is infantry and is being sent as a mechanic. So we are also praying that he gets stationed at a base, that he doesn't get assigned to be a driver (which is something that has been mentioned), and that he doesn't get assigned to convoys. He is in God's hands, but it is still scary. He is so young; he is only 19, and is scared. And at this point, he does not know Christ. So please pray for him. My family is taking it pretty hard. My aunt is a mess. Understandably so. He has 3 brothers- the youngest is struggling the most. And my grandpa is really struggling too. He just recently started receiving counseling for his war experiences with special forces in Vietnam, so has been dealing with all of those issues, and now one of his grandsons is going to war.

 

Last night I witnessed God do the seemingly impossible. My non-believing, non-praying family asked for prayer. My non-praying family held hands and prayed. Not like we do at Thanksgiving and Christmas because that is what the few Christians in the family like to do. But full out prayer. I never thought I would see the day. It is one thing to take prayer when it is offered, especially considering the circumstances. To be polite when others are praying. It's something else entirely to really ask for prayer. In this scary time, my non-believing family is looking to God for answers. I don't know how to begin to describe my family...but this just doesn't happen. Ever. I just want this to finally be the time my family turns to Christ. I am desperately asking God to display His power and glory...because my family doesn't need another thing to blame God for. I am praying that God works a miracle, that He brings my cousin home safely, and that my family recognizes that it was only by God's hand. If you could join me in this prayer, I would appreciate it. My family needs Jesus. And if you could join me in prayer for my cousin, that God would protect him wherever he goes, and that God would return him home safely.

It Has Been Awhile...Be Prepared for a Long One

So I have officially been a Baylor alum for 52 days now. That sentence sounds a lot more exciting than it really has been. Being Baylor alumni is great. I have finished the academic era of my life, and that is no small feat. I am proud to say that I am finished with school, and I really like the fact that I will more than likely never study a textbook or write a term paper again in my life. And that’s a really nice feeling.      

 

But with 52 days of being an alum, that means 52 days (and counting) without a job.  

 

The last 52 days have been some of the most frustrating I have faced. We’re never happy are we? I couldn’t wait for school to end because I was so frustrated with it. And now that it is done, this new place is even worse. I have never been so out of my element, so lost or confused in my entire life. I can say with no reservation that I am completely miserable. I have nothing to be excited about, nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work toward, no goal to achieve. Nothing to do, no appointments to keep. I know God has a plan. I know He will provide a job. I have to believe it. I have to hold on to that, because that’s all I have right now. It’s the only thing that wakes me up in the morning. But what happens until then? What do I do with myself in the mean time? What is my role in God’s preparation? How much do I do? And how long will He keep me here? I am begging Him not to keep me here long. I feel like I am losing my mind.

 

I count the days, which go by so slowly because of my lack of things to do. The days turn into weeks, and, oh my God, they are now starting to turn into months. All of my job options have run out (yet again), and so I am starting over (yet again). I can’t even begin to describe the emptiness and the panic that are beginning to fill my heart. I can do nothing else but cling to the cliché verse that He has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me, that He has plans for a hope and a future. This place of emptiness and defeat is a scary place to be. To be brutally honest, it is hard to praise Him in this dark place. I have found myself forcing the words of praise songs, in hopes that if I say them enough times, I might begin to believe the words again. I just keep saying His promises out loud, hoping I will really be encouraged by them sometime soon.

 

It’s hard to accept that God’s answers are a mystery to me right now. Other people seem so sure about their prayers for me…like they receive answers from God that I don’t. That seems strange to me, but at the same time it is encouraging, because I do have people interceding for me. I guess it's better than nothing to have other people receiving answers they are confident of, even if I am not. I just have to continue practicing obedience and wait. I loathe every minute of the waiting, but I am waiting nonetheless. I don’t doubt that God has something perfect waiting for me at the end of all of this. I just don’t understand the waiting; I don't understand what I am supposed to be doing in the mean time. I wasn’t built to sit and do nothing. So as far as my finite and sinful brain can comprehend, it feels like a cruel joke to create me a certain way only to make me “suffer” in this very way. I know that sounds stupid and overdramatic. Reading it out loud, I can’t help but think how ridiculous it is. But that’s how lost and confused I am, I guess.

 

And so I keep praying and seeking God. It may not sound like it, but I really am trying to find and trust God in all of this. I am just not ok right now, no matter how much I want to be...no matter how much other people want me to be. And I don’t know how to get back to that point of being "ok" right now. I am ashamed to admit how much I am struggling with faith so much in this storm. Not my Faith (the core of who I am, who God has created me to be), but faith- trusting God outside of what I am experiencing. But God says He can work with faith as small as a mustard seed. I am desperately asking Him to use what tiny bit of faith I have right now. I am asking Him to grow and multiply it.

 

God knows where I am. He knows how I feel. He knows what I am going through; He knows what is really going on. I know He hears my heart’s cries. I know that He is even crying and hurting with me. He is working right now to bring me where He wants me. He is working to mold my heart to be more like Him. He has a purpose and a plan. I just pray that He delivers me from this dark place soon. I pray that He gives me the strength to hold on, the power to trust Him. I pray that He doesn’t forget me in this place. I am praying that He can still use me as broken as I am. I am praying that I can learn how to thank Him even where I am. God has given me another song to speak to my heart, as He is always faithful to do:

 

It's a fear that keeps me wide awake

In the middle of the night

When the expectations are too great

And the bar gets raised too high

So I do the best with what I've got

And hope that no one knows

That I strain to see how high I can

Try to stand on these toes

Until I'm measured, but You know better

 

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when you see us just as we are

Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when the pieces are broken and small

Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind

Thank You, even then

 

So I put aside the masquerade

And admit that I am not okay

Which may not be the thing to say

But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when you see us just as we are

Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when the pieces are broken and small

Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind

Thank You, even then

We raise the standard and try to reach You

But we'll never make it, and we don't need to

 

My dad said something to me yesterday that really hit me. It’s embarrassing how I seem to miss simple things like this all the time. He said that while I have to wait and it’s hard and it hurts, it is a blessing in disguise to even have the opportunity to wait and really search for the “perfect” job. He is so right. I hadn’t really thought of it that way. How self-absorbed can I be? And so I thank my Heavenly Father for the generous and amazing blessing that I get to wait. Only my God and Savior would be that good to me.

 

 

Currently Listening: Even Then, by Nichole Nordeman (Woven & Spun)

Baylor Alumna

Well, I can finally say it. I am an official Baylor alum! All the blood, sweat, tears, and stress finally paid off, and I was able to walk across the stage with a heart full of thanksgiving for my amazingly faithful God! I cannot even express in words His goodness to me in pulling me through this last semester. I never thought graduation day would come; and here now it is already 5 days past. I can't express my relief in being done with school. People keep asking me about grad school...it takes everything in me to be polite and say "not at this time" because inside I am screaming "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeell no!" LOL. It's just not what God has for me. He was faithful to pull me through 4 years of undergrad. And now, He has other plans for me that do not require studying in an academic setting ever again.

 

And then that brings me to the question I have been dreading for a good 2 years now: "What now?" You know, that's a very good question. The only thing I have to offer at this point is that I have no idea what's next. That's a scary place to be in. I have a feeling this is going to be another long, hard summer. I have come a long way and can say with confidence and peace that God has it all planned and will reveal His perfect plan in His perfect timing. But I have to say...it's still hard. And I am broken, on my knees before His throne, because I have no clue where to go from here. The things I thought would pan out, didn't. I just got some really disappointing news and am having to start all over. Which is hard. I am not falling apart like I normally would be. But I am still struggling with this. With these plans falling through, I am now facing the harsh reality of a summer at home. I love my family and have missed them. But being at home, with no job, and no other prospects at this point...I'm struggling. All I can do is cry out to my Father for peace and comfort, guidance and wisdom. Because right now, I am at a loss again.

 

I have to ask myself if this is what life is going to be like for me. I tend to be at this place a lot. Like I said before, I have come a long way. I have surrendered SO much to Him, everything to Him at this point. And I stand before His throne waiting...still. I have to cry out to Him wondering how long I have to wait. How long before He hears my cries? How long before He shows me? If you think about it, please pray for me. Because I want so desperately to learn from all of this what He wants me to. I need prayer to guard against disappointment and frustration. I need wisdom, guidance, and patience. I need to be content with where He has me. If you have any encouraging words...I could really use some right now....

Receiving Some Much Needed Oxygen

So. The whole hyperventilation thing is still a concern. My life is still crazy and doesn't seem to want to slow down anytime soon. But God is my life support and He is pulling me through. Ok. So maybe it is more like He is dragging me at this point. Not because I don't want to do something. But because I don't have enough energy on my own. Haha. It's actually quite a comical mental picture if you think about it...

God is doing amazing things. I can feel it in my soul. I have seen the manifestation of His blessings in my life in countless ways in the last few weeks. And I also feel as though He has more planned for me. More than I could have ever asked for, more than I could have ever dreamed of. I am reaching the end of a chapter in my life. I was given the amazing opportunity to spend 4 amazing years at Baylor University. In my last few days here, I walk across campus praising God for all He has done. I look at the beautiful buildings that make up what I have called home for the last 4 years and I can't help but be filled with sadness over leaving this place. So I try to savor every last moment that I have to walk across campus. And yet, I have an extreme sense of excitement about the new chapter in my life. A sense of excitement of the impending plans God has for me. I still am not sure what those plans are; and I am ok with that. I feel as though in not revealing the details to me as of yet, God is giving me a sweet gift. The gift of enjoying the last drops of this season. The gift of knowing the joy of seeking His face. The gift of feeling the peace He gives to His children.

I am beginning to see His hand move. Don't misunderstand me; God's hand has been moving all along. It's just that in my sinful state, I am just now able to see the forest through the trees, if you will. God is revealing more and more of Himself to me, and I feel as though my soul is awakening again. Maybe it's the fact that in one month, the stress of school will be over. Maybe it's the fact that in one month, I start a new phase of life. Maybe it's the fact that God has been doing a lot of shaping, molding, disciplining, teaching in the last few months. Who knows. What I do know, is that my God is good and there is nothing else that compares to Him. There is nothing in this world that even come close to comparing to knowing Him. I am His and He is mine.

COUNTDOWN TO GRADUATION: 30 days!!!