Almost

This song was shared in a Facebook group, and I couldn't stop bawling. The estrogen and progesterone are surging, and the anxiety is setting in...we have 3 more days until our pregnancy test, and I am just so nervous. I am trying so hard to keep it together and trust Jesus, but more often than not I just end up bawling and begging Jesus to bring us our little ones.

I just don't know what I will do if it's negative. Or if it's positive and then we lose our babies again. Our hearts are just so weary and ready for our family...

I thought this song was incredibly painful but still somehow beautiful. It accurately expresses how we felt when we lost our babies last year. I would have been 31 weeks today, getting so close to meeting our little ones. It still hurts, even knowing that we could be learning of our newest little ones soon. I hate infertility so much.

Almost by R. Garvin

I had you and then I lost you, just like that

You were mine then you were gone, just like that

And my heart broke like shattered glass

It happened so fast

I almost had you, I almost held you

But you never got to see the sun

You almost became free, we were almost a family

And you were supposed to be the one

I wanted it to be you, I wanted it to be you

So, so bad

And now I'll never go a day without

Thinking 'bout what we almost had

You were given then taken, just like that

Now I'll never be the same again, just like that

When your heartbeat stopped so soon

Felt like mine did too

I almost had you, I almost held you

But you never got to see the sun

You almost became free, we were almost a family

And you were supposed to be the one

I wanted it to be you, I wanted it to be you

So, so bad

And now I'll never go a day without

Thinking 'bout what we almost had

I saw your future in my mind, so beautiful and bright

I wondered what you'd be like

Crackin' jokes or a little shy

I wanted to be in the front row, at every game and every show

I wanted to watch you grow

But now I'll never know, oh oh

I almost had you, I almost held you

But you never got to see the sun

You almost became free, we were almost a family

And you were supposed to be the one

I wanted it to be you, God knows I wanted you

So, so bad

And now I'll never go a day without

Thinking 'bout what we almost had

Fly baby, fly baby fly

Fly angel, fly angel fly

Spread your wings and fly

It is Well

I have always loved the hymn It is Well With My Soul written by Horatio Spafford. It was composed after a series of difficulties in his life. He faced incredible financial loss and instability. Shortly after, he sent his family ahead of him in a move, and all four of his daughters died after a ship wreck. He penned this hymn as he passed the place where the ship sank. He and his wife went on to have more children, but they still lost their 4 year old to Scarlet fever. So much tragedy and loss in one family's life.

I have always stood in awe of this story because of the power in the words that were penned. I'm sure it could not have been easy to write the words. Can you imagine the heartache and struggle? And yet, He trusted in a God that was bigger than His circumstances. He was able to say "it is well" because of Jesus. Because of the unending grace that pours out on the life of the believer. 

Bethel Music came out with an updated version a few years ago. Both sets of lyrics have special meaning for me. While it may not have been at the same tragic level as Spafford, we have still experienced heartbreaking loss. We said goodbye to our church and dreams of ministry. Mike lost his job. We were diagnosed with infertility. And it all happened within a matter of months. We waited 3 years to see a positive pregnancy test and then miscarried. So much loss in our short married life...

There have been many dark days when I didn't know if I could say "it is well." And I, of little faith, find myself bracing for more heartbreak and tragedy. After all, it's all we have known for an extended period of time. My weary heart surrenders to the idea that it's all we can know.

And yet the Lord has regarded my helpless estate, and through it all, I can {in faith} say "it is well."

It is Well by Bethel Music

Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Chorus:

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Chorus

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

Infused Water Wednesday :: Strawberry + Lime + Cucumber

I wanted to be sure to maximize the strawberries I bought {since I can't eat them because of the seeds}, so I decided to try another strawberry recipe.

So today's infused water: Strawberry + Lime + Cucumber

Ingredients {to fit in the Chilaqua 24 oz. bottle}:

• 3 strawberries, hulled and quartered
• 1/2 lime, rind removed, diced
• 3 cucumber slices, quartered {so everything can fit in the infuser basket}
• 5-6 ice cubes
• Filtered water

Again, I let it chill in the refrigerator for about an hour. I am finding that I can get 2-3 days worth of water before the flavor starts to wane. Not too bad. 

Verdict: Good

The cucumber flavor was actually a bit overwhelming {which means it was a really good cucumber!}, but it was still refreshing. I wouldn't say it was my favorite, but I would still drink it again as a good infused water option.

{iPhone Rewind} :: February

I got another custom order on Etsy. I actually enjoy creating new designs for people, and I was really excited when my customer LOVED the final product! You can purchase your own here.

Ya'll. I haven't bought new running shoes since college. {All serious runners everywhere weep. I know}. But I finally thought it was time to replace my faithful tennis shoes. I really like my new ones- a little more bold than I'm used to, but super comfortable.

I attended {part of} an IF: Local. I made it Friday night and really enjoyed the speakers. I ended up getting sick on Saturday, so I missed most of the sessions, which was such a bummer. Hopefully I will get to watch some of them on Right Now Media at some point in the future.

I was actually sick on my birthday {which was a bummer}, but I got lots of sweet messages and well wishes. I loved this text from my brother :)

Sweet Lindsay had made me this YUMMY Reese's Peanut Butter cake for my birthday! Let me just say: it was delicious!

Lindsay also sent me a tub of Panera mac n cheese, because she knows it's my favorite. I have the BEST sister-in-law EVER :)

I put out a little Valentine decor this year. I think these little poms are super cute, and they're so easy to make!

Our friends Josh and Tiffany {who own the house} were in town and we got to have them over to dinner. It was such a blessing to hear about all the Lord is doing through them. They gave us this sweet gift as a reminder to pray for them and for their region. We are so blessed to partner with them in this way!

Got a sweet card from my parents for Valentine's Day :)

Just a fun little Valentine's gift for my Valentine :) {also used my Silhouette sketch pens for the first time...they're awesome!}

My sweet parents sent me a birthday card with a Starbucks and a Target gift card; pretty much the way to my heart haha. Their note was to enjoy a cup of coffee and to buy something fun. I snapped a photo of my treasures to send to them. Such a sweet gift!

We headed to Ben & Lindsay's for another homemade sushi night {which is probably one of my favorite things}. When I got home, I noticed this sticker on my shoulder and it made me smile. Because my niece was handing out stickers and she's adorable. 

I headed out to vote in the primary election and was the youngest one in the voting booth by 25 years. It's going to be an interesting election year, for sure!

Date #6: Dinner at Rick's Chophouse in McKinney #wcsavethedate16

Date #7: Mavs Game {Mike got free tickets to the Mavs game, so we got a bonus date at the end of February!} #wcsavethedate16

Embryo Adoption :: Transfer Day {FET #3}

I woke up this morning really early, so excited {and a little anxious} for today. I have done this twice before, but today I woke up with a peace from the Lord. I dressed in my snowflake leggings, put on my snowflake necklace, drank my 32 oz of water to fill my bladder {much easier with my infused water!}...and was ready to meet our tiny snowflakes!

And now our babies are on board! I am officially PUPO :)

Today we had our {third} Frozen Embryo Transfer {FET}. We transferred 2 day-five blastocysts, so yes- we are praying for twins again! I love that we both get to be there to see our tiny ones transferred together. To watch our little embryos on the ultrasound screen and know the exact time that they enter my uterus is such a sweet gift in this difficult journey. We got to see their little cells moving like crazy as they were inserted and released; how cool is that??

We made the decision to transfer one of our higher graded embryos with one of our lower graded ones. So we transferred 1 embryo that was graded AA and expanded {the grade when it was frozen, but it was starting to hatch by the time of transfer}, and 1 that was graded CA and hatching. 

Quick lesson in embryo grading:

• Letter grades are just like in school: A is the best
• First letter is for the inner cells that go on to make the baby 
• Second letter is for the outer cells that go on to make the placenta
• Expanded means there are lots of cells and the protective shell is already starting to thin so that the embryo can break out {though it hasn't yet}
• Hatching means there are lots of cells and the embryo is already breaking out of the protective shell {a good thing!}

Look at those beautiful embabies! :)

Both the embryologist and my RE said that they both thawed perfectly and looked beautiful. They were both really excited for us, which was such an encouragement. We even had the embryologist from our last 2 transfers come in to tell us how excited she was for us. Because she was the one that had to tell us not so great news with our last embryos; so she made it a point to let us know how different this time was. There are still no guarantees, but this was such an encouragement for us! We are SO thankful for all of the doctors, embryologists, and nurses that have walked with us in this journey.

So our embryos looked great and mature and right on track for growth! :)

We left feeling excited and hopeful. There is still a twinge of fear; we know the realities of the possible outcomes, and science can only tell us so much. Our little ones are in God's hands, and we will patiently wait and pray over the next 10 days {and 9 months!} for the Lord to bring these little ones into our arms and our family.

-------

Age of Embryos? They were created in March 2009, so they have been frozen for just shy of 7 years

Size of Embryos? About 0.1 to 0.2 mm

Development: five-day blastocysts {1 AA ExBL and 1 CA HgBL}; the entire genetic blueprint for life {chromosomes/DNA} is present

Meds: Cabergoline 2x/week, Metformin daily, day 20 of Estrace, day 7 of progesterone in oil {PIO}

Sleep: Despite my excitement and anxiety, I slept really well...nice and rested up for the transfer!

Best moment of the week: Hearing that our little ones thawed perfectly and seeing their little cells moving and growing at transfer

Miss anything? Sweet tea...I cut back after my pre-diabetes diagnosis. Could be worse; but I sure do miss my sweet tea! 

Cravings: Nothing yet

Symptoms: Just a little tired from the progesterone

Looking forward to: Our pregnancy test in 10 days, and finding out if our babies snuggled in tight!

**This post was written on our transfer day, but was not published until after we made our official announcement. I back-dated to the actual day so we could have all of this for our own records and memories.**