Infertility :: Heartache...But Always Hope

I have heard it said that infertility is a loss in and of itself; it is the loss of a dream or the desire that your heart aches for. Whether it's the actual loss or the delay of that dream, the grief is revisited month after month, and for some, year after year.

"The pain [of infertility] is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."

-source

It's hard when others make the announcements you long to make...

It's hard when those announcements turn into deliveries nine months later, and you are still left waiting...

It's hard when you finish the bottle{s} of prenatal vitamins without ever being pregnant...

It's hard to be disappointed month after month...and it's really hard when the months turn into years...

It's hard to wake up in the middle of the night in tears because you had another nightmare that pregnancy will never be your experience...

It's hard when you hear a mom {obviously frustrated} tell her little boy, "I'm going to see if someone else wants to take you home today. I'll see if anyone wants a three year old," and you have to restrain every fiber of your being from punching her in the face and taking her son with you...

It's hard to stand behind a girl in the check-out line as she purchases Plan B...

It's really hard to wrap your mind around the idea that you might never enjoy the excitement of a positive pregnancy test, telling your husband that you're pregnant, feeling a baby move inside of you, or experiencing childbirth or nursing...

For a long time, I didn't want to think about the idea that we might not have biological children, because it scared me not knowing if my heart could take it. I still hold out hope that our prayers will be answered and that we will finally have our miracle baby, that we will be making our long-awaited announcement soon. But we also know that He could choose to say "no" to our request {and in many ways already has}. So then I have to cling to the hope that, if that turns out to be His plan {now and in the future}, He will heal my heart and give me the grace needed to face a life without what I want so much right now. Despite the heartache of infertility, I know that He is good and faithful.

I bought a necklace that is inscribed with the word "HOPE" on it. I wear it as a silent prayer that I am still holding out hope that the Lord will grant us our miracle baby, despite what the doctors and tests have said. But more importantly, I wear it to remind myself that my ultimate hope is not in that prayer. That my ultimate hope cannot be taken, even if the Lord chooses not to grant our request.

Etsy

We may not know in this life why the Lord has allowed this to be our story. But Mike and I encourage each other with this thought: in eternity, we will not only know and understand the why and say "wow Lord, You really did know what was best for us!" but we will actually worship Him for allowing it. Think about that. All the struggle. All the frustration. All the heartache. We will worship our beautiful Savior for all of it. Because He is that good. That is such a comforting thought to me.

And so I continue to cling to my ultimate Hope, Jesus...