Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Infertility :: The Green Eyed Monster

Today I am continuing the {long} list of emotions I have experienced in our struggle with infertility. While it certainly has not been easy, I am thankful for all the Lord is teaching me. It's still a daily battle, but He is good and His grace is unending. I definitely understand, now more than ever, what it means to cling to grace moment by moment.

It’s funny {or not so funny?} how much more aware you are of things when you want something you can’t have. I can rationalize in my brain that there is not a conspiracy against me or an increase in people getting pregnant around me. I know I am just more sensitive to it because I desperately want what they have. But it doesn't seem to make it any easier each time someone else makes the announcement I long to make.

I have never really considered myself a jealous person, but then we started trying to have a baby. I am keenly aware of pregnant women and mothers around me, and it makes my heart sad, and too often envious. I want that so much more than I ever thought I would. And I'm so tired of waiting for it. I took fertility for granted, and it drives me crazy how ridiculously fertile everyone else seems to be. I have realized the idol in my heart of having children/building our family, and it has been a tough one to lay down.

As the months {and now years} pass and more announcements are made, it becomes increasingly difficult to bear. It's hard when we started trying long before others, and yet we are still waiting. It is even more difficult when those announcements turn into deliveries...and we are still waiting. It's frustrating when people “accidentally” get pregnant. I don't understand that. I mean, of course I do, biologically speaking. But it's just so hard knowing how much we try, only to still be left waiting. How is it that they can get pregnant "on accident" and we can't seem to get pregnant on purpose?

It's a weird dynamic with friends. I find myself fighting back the tears, forcing a smile, and mechanically offering congratulatory words at each new announcement. And I hate thatI love my friends and am genuinely excited for them. And I in no way want to take away from their joy. But to be honest, it's just really hard sometimes. Not because I'm not happy for them, but because I am sad for us, knowing that we might never have "our turn" to announce a pregnancy.

But Why Does SHE Get a Baby, Lord??
I will admit, this one's an ugly one. This is when my jealousy runs away from me and I allow the sin to take root. I have {too often} found myself asking the Lord why so-and-so gets to have a baby and I don't. I have allowed myself to play the comparison game, deeming myself more worthy of parenthood than another. Typing it out, I realize how awful that really is, but I'm just trying to be honest with my range of emotions.

Because I understand that all life is created by God, I often struggle with some women who get to be mothers instead of me. Unwed mothers. Teenage mothers. Irresponsible mothers. Inattentive mothers. Abortive mothers. Abusive mothers. Drug-addicted mothers. Why, Lord? Why would these women, who don't want to be or are not ready to be mothers, be granted the blessing of motherhood? How easily pride and arrogance slips in...

In one of the Christian infertility books I read, the author pointed out that the Lord sometimes allows these women to become mothers because it is the very thing that will draw them to Him. Just like the struggle of infertility is {prayerfully/hopefully} drawing me closer to my Savior, pregnancy may very well be what the Lord uses in these women's lives to further His kingdom. That's a hard truth to swallow sometimes. And yet it is so profound.

I don't deserve anything more than the woman sitting next to me; and how arrogant of me to think otherwise. God doesn't owe us a baby; having children is absolutely a blessing, but it is most certainly not a right. It is hard to understand God's plan sometimes, especially when it doesn't fit into our understanding. And so I remind myself to trust Him, even when I don't understand, and it just doesn't make sense {Proverbs 3:5-6}.

And then sometimes, there is just no good reason for why she gets a baby and I don't. It is just how it is in this fallen, sinful world. Our bodies break down and don't do what they should. It's a reality I don't like, but one I have to accept nonetheless. And I know it grieves the heart of God. He sees every tear, and He knows the depth of our heartache. So we still find a way to praise our heavenly Father for His goodness to us even in the midst of infertility...

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