Thursday, May 27, 2010

Battling Seeds of Discontent...

I’m not sure when it happened or how it happened. And I really need to spend some time analyzing where I am so that I can know/understand where I need to go from here. In recent weeks, tiny seeds of discontent have slowly crept in, and I need to figure out (fast) how to combat them. I know my own heart and how quickly/easily I can develop a complaining spirit. I think I have been fighting it for a long time, but this morning it finally sunk in and I can’t hide from it anymore. It has become increasingly more difficult to go to work. I have never really been excited about my job (other than the fact that I have one), but I have been somewhat nerdy and enjoyed learning a new subject. And while I have not even scratched the surface of what I could learn in this industry, the initial learning curve has slowed, and now…well, now it’s just plain boring and seemingly trivial.

I think the routine of my job is starting to grate on my nerves. I have had to do a lot of “baby-sitting” of grown professionals, and that can definitely wear on a person (especially a person who tends to lack patience and compassion). And while the studying has helped me learn the lingo of the insurance world, I have pretty much reached my limit and just don’t want to study anymore. I struggle with motivation to study (which is a BIG problem since I have a really important exam coming up in 11 days).

More than once I have sat at my desk and wondered to myself, “Is this really what I am doing with my life?” I feel like that statement is a bit more dramatic than things really are, but it’s still a battle nonetheless. While what I do is important to my clients, I could really care less about insurance programs in the grand scheme of my life. So what do I do with that? The difficulty comes in knowing that God placed me here- I have no doubt of that fact- but then trying to understand how I can best glorify Him in a job that I am not particularly enjoying right now. I realize that the actual insurance tasks of my job don’t matter to Him; I understand that how I do my job (with excellence and diligence, working as unto Him rather than men) is of more value to Him. And even more importantly, how I treat/interact with my clients and co-workers is what really matters. I have had more opportunities to share my faith and the love of my Savior in this job than in any other. So when I struggle with the list of tasks before me, I try to remind myself of that and focus on doing my job to the best of my ability, and also praying for opportunities to love those around me.

Please don’t misunderstand me; I am incredibly grateful for my job and am not planning to leave anytime soon. The Lord provided in a way I didn’t even understand at the time, and I have no doubt that this is the place that He has called me to for right now. There’s nothing wrong with my job, nothing specific is going on. I love the people that I work with, and I appreciate the opportunities I have been given. I have blogged countless times of how much I am grateful for a fairly standard schedule, which allows me to have more time for other ministry opportunities. God has continually blessed my work with this company, and I am constantly surprised at how how He chooses to work in my heart and even use me for His purposes as I navigate (as random as it sounds) the corporate world of insurance. But when you spend 40+ hours of your just gets old.

So why all of a sudden the struggle? Maybe it’s just that I am tired. I have been running at full speed on empty for about 4 months. So I am sure that hasn’t helped. I am just burnt out, which is always the time the enemy seems to sneak in to try to wreak havoc. Maybe since I just celebrated my one year anniversary with the company, I am just starting to get restless. Staring monotony in the face is a little scary. Maybe the high of being employed again has finally worn off. I remember how difficult it was to be without a job, and I remember promising myself that I would never complain about going to work again. I didn’t ever want to lose sight of what a gift it is to even have a job. And yet, we are all so short-sighted and forgetful…These could all be normal things that I am just going to have to work through. But as those seeds of discontent have surfaced, I have to figure out quickly how to combat them so that I don’t lose sight of where God has me and what He desires for me- whether that means staying in this job or not.

I have prayed for a heart of contentment, for a willingness to put aside my own plans for my life and trust God with His plans instead. I want to be able to find joy in whatever it is that He calls me to, to make the most of every opportunity He gives, using those opportunities to serve Him in ways that honor His name. If that means that I live that through my current job, I want to do that. If you think about it, I’d appreciate prayers :)


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