I was
able to go home this past weekend, which was so great. Of course, the weekend
was too short, but it was nice to be home. Most of the time was spent with
extended family, which included an all-inclusive celebration for a graduation,
two birthdays, and father's day. Gotta love family. Of course, it's
always enlightening to spend time with my extended family. You know,
"never a dull moment." There's always some new drama that is ensuing.
Classic stuff. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but they're crazy. Pretty
much, they're just insane. It always weighs on my heart how much they all need
Jesus. Desperately.
Sigh. I continue praying...
The
pastor at my church back home is retiring, and they are in the midst of
searching for a new senior pastor. Until then, they have had a lot of visiting
pastors. This weekend, I got to hear a sermon from a guy named Dr. D. Jeffrey
Bingham from DTS. I think God had him prepare the sermon just for me. It was
one of those. He spoke from Daniel 7- of power, glory, kingdom, abundance,
victory, and dominion. He also looked at Jesus' words in Mark 8-10- of
suffering, rejection, self-denial, and death. He talked about how Jesus
has an order to things which are distinctively Christian. So many times in our
Christian walk, we focus too much on blessings. We live our lives thinking we
are actually "entitled" to such blessings just because we are
children of Christ.
I sat
there listening to his words and realized that he was talking about me. I have
been so self-focused this past year. So upset that God didn't have it go the way
I had wanted and/or planned. Upset that CL stuff was hard. Upset that issues
with friends weren't getting better despite my efforts. Upset that my brother
never wanted to see me when I was home. Upset that I didn't get an internship.
Upset that I didn't have a cool summer plan to tell people about. The list goes
on about what I was so upset about, it's embarassing. And all because I felt I
was somehow entitled to those things. Like I deserved them somehow. How could I reach that point? How
could I be so prideful and arrogant?
Needless
to say, this weekend was quite humbling, because God gently reminded me that I
don't deserve any of it. I don't deserve the countless blessings I do receive every day.
Christ's plan for me is not to be blessed. It is to be more like Him. I need to
choose last place so that others can be first. I need to be a servant to
everyone around me. My mind should be consumed with denying myself, while I let
God concern Himself with the power and glory and blessings. Because Christ's message
involved suffering and the cross before
glory and the empty tomb. Self-denial comes before the things mentioned in
Daniel 7.
And yet
in His process of humbling me, God was so sweet to continue to remind me
through my quiet times this week that He hears the cries of His people. He
reminded me that He knows the desires of my heart. He knows the plans He has
for me...those plans are to prosper me, not to harm me, to give me a hope and a
future. He reminded me that He is faithful and that He always keeps His
promises. And He reminded me that when I am at my weakest, He is at His best.
And
so...I am learning to wait with a listening ear and a ready heart to do
His will. I am learning to trust Him more completely with the dreams He has
implanted in my soul, the promises that He has made for me. I am anxiously
awaiting the time when, just like Sarah, I will be surrounded by laughter
at the wonderful way that He accomplishes His purposes despite my weaknesses.
Currently Listening: Your Love is Extravagant, by Casting Crowns (Casting Crowns)
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