Saturday, June 10, 2006

A Summer of Growth

So it is the end of week 2 of my summer in Waco. School is pretty boring. I had my first exam this past Thursday. It took me exactly 7 minutes to take. I was so frustrated that it took me 30 minutes to drive to and from MCC- almost 4x the amount of time it took me to actually complete the test. Oh well- at least it is easy. Work is going pretty well. I am working 15 hours at the desk in North Village and 15 hours over in the dean's office at the business school. I pretty much study and/or read all the time. Which is kind of a nice change from the crazy schedule I am used to. There hasn't been much for me to do over at the business school- I check the mail, walk mail around to the different departments, answer the phone when the office staff is out to lunch...nothing too exciting yet. I decided that I had reached some sort of pitiful low in my life the other day. Why? Because I actually got excited when they let me shred papers that day. LOL. What can I say? I need to be doing something. Which was part of my problem last semester. I couldn't just be idle. I felt as though I was wasting time, being unproductive, being lazy. But I am learning that this idleness thing is not necessarily an evil thing. At least not when I am not intending to be lazy, but, rather, I am intending to still my heart before God...

I may have mentioned before that I have determined that this must be a summer of growth for me. I still am working through the whole 'not having an internship' thing. It's scary for me because I have to have one to graduate. And I have tried 2 summers in a row to get one and have been unsuccessful. It's hard for me to admit to failure. I'm a perfectionist, I work hard, I give 110% in everything I do, I never do a job half way. It makes sense to me to obtain the things you want if you work hard to achieve them. So for me to put all this effort pretty much into everything related to school/an internship/my future career and come up empty handed is new to me. I'm not trying to brag on myself. I am just working through some pride issues. God has been so gracious to grant me the success I have had in my studies this far. It's hard when that doesn't come in other areas.

Anyway, so the summer of growth has to do with working through all of the above issues, as well as just being still before God. Being still and being quiet before His throne, listening intently to the things He wants to share with me. I desire this intimacy with God, and have for a long time. And I am starting to understand that maybe part of the reason I didn't get the internship  and why I am stuck in Waco this summer with nothing really exciting to do is so that I could have quietness and rest in my life. So that I could use this time to deepen my walk with Christ without all the usual and chaotic distractions. Part of me hates it- like I said, I have to be doing something. But I am learning, I am growing. And although I still have issues to work through in my heart, I am reaching the point where I am grateful that God would love me that much to take everything away so that I would be forced to spend time with Him, and only Him.

Currently Reading: A World of Art, by Henry M. Sayre

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