Answer to Prayers!!

I cannot even begin to describe all that the Lord has done for me! I promise to update with all of the news...I am still reaping all of His blessings and trying to get settled. God has generously provided in so many ways and it's all I can do to shout from the rooftops, "How GREAT is my God!!!"

 

It all started October 22nd...

I'm Still Here...

...and I'm still waiting...

Mondays

Everyday it gets harder and harder to hold it together. That sounds so depressing and melodramatic…I don’t mean it to be. I’m just trying to be honest with my feelings. My mom has recently started asking me the question, “what set you off this time?” I wish there was some way I could explain to her that there is nothing in particular that “sets me off.” There is no trigger. It’s just the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day still living in my parents’ house, still jobless, still having no prospects. It’s the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day having to hit the pavement searching for a job…again. It’s the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day still drowning in God’s silence. I think she thinks that at some point, I will just get over this down time and just be ok. Unfortunately, the more days that go by, the worse it gets.

 

I hate even voicing these feelings. They don’t sound like me at all. I’ve lost so much of who I thought I was. Or at least it seems as though I have. I had never really considered myself an extremely prideful person…but any sort of pride I did have has been stripped away. I fear that my discouragement is now eating away at any ounce of confidence I thought I had. I doubt everything about myself now. Am I really good at something? Was I ever really good at anything or was I just lucky? Does hard work really count for anything except a good grade and a few extra ulcers? Am I really going to succeed? Is there really a good plan for my life? Do I really have what it takes? Because everything around me is screaming NO!

 

I pray. I pray a lot. I pray hard. I pray alone. I pray with others. I pray quietly. I pray loudly. I ask God questions. I ask Him for certain things. I offer Him my heart. I give Him a piece of my mind. I scream at Him a lot. I sit silently before His throne. I strain to hear even the faintest whisper. I cry. I plead. I try to have faith. I desperately look for ways to increase my faith. I desperately look for things to encourage, inspire, and provide hope. And there is still deafening silence in return. I’ve lost my pride. I’ve lost my confidence. I’ve lost my drive to achieve. Oh, I know I will get those things back eventually. I just fear how long it will be until those things return to a healthy level, and I fear the irreparable damage it is doing to my heart along the way.

 

Nobody likes Mondays. But this summer has forced me to look at Mondays in a new way. Most people dread Mondays (as did I) because it means the start of another week. It means going back to work/class after a nice restful and work/class-free weekend. It means responsibility and effort. It means facing deadlines, meetings, and craziness. Mondays are generally hated the world-over. But I hate Mondays now for a different reason. I hate Mondays because it is the start of another week, yes, but another week without a job. In a very sick way, I have to admit that I envy everyone getting up and going to work. I wish I was facing responsibility and effort again. I long for deadlines, meetings, and craziness again.

 

People (and the Bible too) say you are supposed to be content where you are. You are supposed to praise Him despite your circumstances. I agree with that. Even if I don't like it, I have to agree with it because that's what God's Word says. But what does that really look like, in real life? Does that mean that you just get over down times and be ok? Does that mean that you walk around with a smile on your face all the time? Does that mean that you sing praise and happy songs to Him when what you really feel like doing is crying your eyes out and screaming at Him? And what happens if you don't do those things? Are you sinning? Are you missing the point? Are you getting it all wrong? It might seem like it. But what do you do when you ask for wisdom and you don't get it? What do you do when you ask God to guide you and He doesn't? What do you do when you want to do God's will, you just aren't getting any indication of what that might be? What do you do when you feel unsettled where you are, but have surrendered to Him nonetheless, and He still doesn't answer you? What happens when you have your hands wide open, ready to go and do whatever wherever, but He doesn't tell you where to go or what to do? What do you do when you seek Him with all of your heart and He still remains hidden and silent?

The Tears Flow

All I can seem to do at this point is cry...

 

Lamentations 3:22-32

 

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.  Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust-- there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.

Deafening Silence

Life is dark and heaven is silent. I keep going to God, telling him that this is hardly the time to play hide-and-seek with me. The silence is palpable. The silence is defeaning.

 

I keep looking to Scripture...where do I go for something like this? Who in the Bible felt abandoned by God? On more than one occasion, King David felt it. And yet he knew, despite what he was feeling, that he was never out of God's sight (Psalm 139:7, 9-12). I am not alone. God is relentlessly faithful. So how do I convince my panicked heart of that? I read something that said I need to enter the silence with Him. What does that look like?

 

My first step is to be so comfortable with God that intimacy comes without the necessity of words. And so I spend part of my day sitting before the throne of the God of the universe. I'm scared. I beg to feel His presence. I sit. I cry...a lot. I continue to do this until I am flooded with enough peace to make it through another day. I wait for God to fill every molecule of space around me.

 

Obviously God is testing me. How much will I trust Him...even when He is silent? It's really easy when He is "holding on to the back of my bike as I peddle." But what happens when He lets go and I have to ride alone? Will I remember all that I have learned? Throughout the summer, some things have come to light about what I was trusting in more that I was trusting in Him. Now that those have been exposed, laid bare, and confessed, I am attempting the hard task of building commitment and perseverance.

 

Jesus told His disciples to be unwavering: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me" (John 14:11). Every day, I am called to continue trusting- spend another 24 hours job searching, chasing a puppy, reading again...believing that He has everything under control. Even when He is silent.

 

Finances are getting really tight. I say that as though I have money at all. I really don't. I am so in debt to my parents it's unreal. I really ned a job so I can pay the bills. And it's looking pretty scary. So I cling to the verse in Matthew 6: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear...look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" (25, 26) I have to trust that God is still working even though I cannot hear His voice. I have to trust that He is building my character and working to make me more effective for His Kingdom.

 

One thing I have learned through this summer is that it's ok to be honest with God...no matter how brutal that honesty is. I always thought it was disrespectful, like it is unheard of to say such things to God. But really...He knows what I am thinking anyway, so why not go ahead and open up the conversation and tell Him? It's better than the alternative: stopping talking to Him altogether.

 

I have also learned how much I need other people. I have always tried to be so strong for other people. I thought it was some sort of spiritual weakness on my part to do otherwise. It's weird because I don't view it that way when other people come to me broken and weary. That's part of me always being that much harder on myself. I have definitely reached a point where I have asked others to trust God enough for me. I have asked others to have hope until I get mine back. And I cling to Psalm 119:50: "My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."

 

I know that sometime in the future I will look back at this time and think how stupid I was to have missed "it." There will come a day when it will all click and I will recognize in retrospect how much God was working, shaping me even when He seemed far away. There will be a day when I come out the other side knowing with FULL confidence that I am not alone, that God longs for deeper intimacy with me, and that He is worth trusting for the journey. I am praying for that day to come soon.