More of Him, Less of Me

Holy Fire burn away
my desire for anything
that is not of you and is of me
I want more of you and less of me

Holy Fire burn away
my desire for anything
that is not of you and is of me
I want more of you and less of me, yeah
Empty me
Empty me, yeah
Fill, won't you fill me
with you, with you, yeah

Holy Fire, burn away
my desire for anything
that is not of you and is of me
I want more of you and less of me, yeah
Empty me
Empty me, yeah
Fill, won't you fill me, with you, with you, empty me now

Well won't you empty me, well won't you empty me now
I want more, I want more, I want more of you, Jesus
I want more, I want more, oh
Thank you, Jesus
Thank you, Jesus, oh yeah
Thank you, Jesus, yeah
Holy Fire, Holy Fire, Holy Fire, Holy Fire

Countdown to graduation: 50 days!!!

Currently Reading: Comparative Economic Systems, by H. Stephen Gardner



How Great is My God

So lately I have been, in a word, struggling. I feel as though I am on some emotional roller coaster that continues to gain speed and might eventually even lose control. I have never felt more like a girl than I have in the past few weeks. Which is a good thing, because I am a girl. Haha. But seriously, I have never been one to play into the whole girl drama thing...lately I have just been way too girly in that department for my liking.

 

God is teaching me all sorts of things right now. I am just trying to keep up with it all. I am trying to slow down and sort through some of it. And it's hard. I have been discovering things about myself that I didn't know. Some good...some not so pretty. Some enlightening...some I am scared to delve into. I am trying to sort through it all with God. It has definitely been a trying time- full of questions, concerns, silence, hurt, fear. I have been going through a lot of internal struggles. Knowing my purpose; how that purpose fits into God's kingdom; how my gifts fit into that purpose. What is really important? Does God really care what specific job I have, or is it more about how I shine for Him in it? What do I do with the desires He has placed in me, that make me who I am? Why won't God bring about specific circumstances that I desire, that I feel are godly desires? What is He trying to show me?

 

I try really hard at everything I do. I am an over-achiever. I throw all of myself into everything I do. Which is part of the exhaustion I am feeling as I struggle to finish school.  I want so desperately to do God’s will. My biggest fear is making a decision outside of His will. What if I make the wrong choice? Will I "miss out" on the blessings God had designed for me in the context of His will? I know that God's ways are better than my own. And everything in me wants to make sure that I choose the path that draws me closer to His heart. I feel as though my heart is in the right place, but somewhere along the way, my execution has became somewhat misguided.

 

Somewhere along the way, I reached a rut in my spiritual life where I felt my growth had all of a sudden halted. And I convinced myself it was because I wasn't doing enough on my end to stimulate that growth. I had lost my fire and wanted so desperately to have it back...so I began to ask myself- what godly thing can I do to fix it? I have a, b, and c down; what other things can I do to show God how much I love Him? What other godly to-do lists will draw me closer to God? It’s as though I had convinced myself that if I could just get it right this time, if I could just do that one perfect thing that will show God how much I love Him, then….what? What???? I don't know what. I know I can't earn God's love. I know that doing godly things is good. So then where is the problem?

 

The problem is that I have been essentially working for God’s approval. I know that’s not the way it works, and it is not even remotely biblical. But in the midst of trying to be a good Christian and trying to do all the godly Christian things you are "supposed" to do, I have backed myself into a corner of trying to earn God’s favor. Right now I am in the midst of trying to unpack exactly how I got here. What went wrong? How did I get to a place where I was convinced that one more "right" thing would be the ticket? A place where I am constantly feeling guilty for not getting it right and so I need to try harder? All of a sudden I am at the end of my rope of doing "right" things. The scary part is that I am looking around wondering where God went.

 

He didn't go anywhere. He has always been there. He will always be there. I am the one who has gone off in her own little world. I haven't rejected God. But ironically, in my pursuit of trying to be closer to Him, I- to a certain degree- drew away from Him. I have struggled with so much lately...I have cried out desperately to God wondering where He is. God, where are you in the midst of all of this? And the whole time, He has been whispering to my heart, I am right here. I can't tell you yet why I couldn't hear His whispers. That's part of the unpacking process I am a little scared of.

 

The fact of the matter is that I have been trying too hard. I  have been trying too hard. Me. Seeing it typed out on this page makes me sick to my stomach. How could I have been so blind? I made it all about me and what I could do. And that grieves my heart because that is not what I know to be true and that is not what I desire. The truth is that I cannot do enough godly things to earn God's favor. It has never been about the right things I can do to show my love for Him.  Again, typing this out and re-reading it...DUH. It seems so blatantly obvious now. It seems so elementary. I thought this principle only applied to salvation. But it also applies to my overall walk with Christ, too.

 

Am I trying to earn more blessings? Am I trying to be a better Christian than someone else? Am I trying to somehow motivate God to give me the things I desire? I don't know. Again- part of that unpacking process I am sure is in my near future. For now, I am readjusting to the idea that God loves me. Period. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less. He just loves me. And I will never in a million years understand the depth of His love. I will never in a million years be able to repay His love. That's something about me- I have this thing about paying off my debts. I feel like I always have to even the score, in the sense that I make sure I repay someone what I owe them or repay someone with the same (or more) kindness and generosity that they showed me. Ask people who have lent me 50 cents for a dr. pepper- I have to pay them back. I am out of sorts until I do. It's a quirk, I know. But back to God...

 

I can't do enough...even if I tried...to show God the same love He has shown me. I just can't. I am not able to- I am too inferior. I simply do not have that capacity. Never will. So the fact that I even tried...it's just absolutely ridiculous in every sense of the word. I have this picture in my mind of God allowing things in my life over the past year to literally make my heart empty. I picture all I have struggled with, and I see God making the emptiness greater. But it's not because He is a mean or uncaring God. It's actually just the opposite. I see it as His ultimate and sovereign loving way of making it possible to pour that much more love back into my heart. And to my weary (and very empty) heart, that is some very good news. I feel as though He is beginning the process of filling my heart. And the promises of Him actually overflowing my heart with His love and His joy...I can't even describe it to you.

 

So where do I go from here? Well, I am learning to let go of control. I am learning to let go of my pride. I am re-learning it's not about me and it's entirely about God. I am re-learning to just bask in God's love. I am learning to...well, stop trying. That's sounds absurd, but is in essence what God is trying to shape in me. How great is my God to have been whispering to my heart this whole time. How great is my God to have been with me the entire time I have been aimlessly wandering. How great is my God for continuing to love me in spite of myself. How great is my God to have been so patient with my sinful and ridiculous ways. How great is my God for not laughing at my childish ways. How great is my God to have loved me in such a way that I can never repay Him because it is that great of a love.

A Punch in the Face

Before anything else, I have to say "Happy Valentine's Day!" Yes. It is the dreaded Singles Awareness Day. While today was not as easy to endure as other Valentine's have been...it was still ok. It's getting harder and harder to be patient. I was still very aware (and so blessedly reminded) of being single...but really, how is that different from any other day of the year? That's another story...not one I am interested in getting into right now. And so I move on to the blow I received today...

 

Today, my character was attacked. The very essence of who I am was falsely muddied and I received a punch in the face from someone who is supposed to encourage and inspire me. I went to talk with a professor about a project that I am working on, a business plan competition that I am preparing for. A project, by the way, that is above and beyond my normal studies. Instead of help and concern, I received a harsh word from my professor who proceeded to ream me for 10 minutes. I heard all about how I was a bad student. I heard all about how he doesn't understand why students wait until the last minute to do things. I heard all about how my priorities are not in the right place. I heard all about how I should be embarassed because I have not prepared enough up until this point to represent my university next week. I heard all about how he has no sympahty for students who have ample time to prepare...

 

I heard about a lot of stuff. The worse thing is that all I could do was stand there and cry. I hate crying in front of professors- because I hate the stereotypical "cry to get what you want." But as hard as I tried (and believe me...I tried. I tried to the point where I was doing those short gasps for breath, you know the kind you get when you really can't get control of your crying? Yeah, those), I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I wasn't allowed to defend myself. I wasn't allowed to explain. The tears were pent up from a million other things going on in my life right now. But all those other things in my life were mere excuses to my professor. He wasn't interested in the fact that I have been sick on my deathbed for the past week. He wasn't interested in the fact that our group is doing extra work for this competition. He wasn't interested in the fact that only half of our group is doing the work of 6. He wasn't interested in the fact that his class is not the only one I am taking. He wasn't interested in the fact that I have 50 million other things due before this competition. He wasn't interested in the fact that I feel as though everything is falling apart and it is taking everything in me just to make it through another day. Nope. Didn't care. "It's about priorities..."

 

I was frustrated because he wouldn't let me explain myself. I was frustrated because he wouldn't extend an ounce of grace. I was frustrated because I couldn't defend myself. I was angry because I shouldn't have had to defend myself (I didn't even do anything wrong- p.s.). I was angry because he was lecturing me on the frustrations he had with other slacker students. I was angry because I wanted to tell him off, but knew that wasn't very Christ-like. I was angry because who is he to tell me what my priorities should be? I was upset because I couldn't muster enough love for him when I know he obviously needed it the most. I was hurt because everything he was saying about me was so far from the truth. I have a million people I could line up to prove him wrong. But that's not the point. The point is that I received a punch in the face today from someone that I shouldn't have. The point is that I can't do anything about this and have to let it go.

 

So why do I have this overwhelming need to defend myself to other people? Why do I always find it necessary to explain myself to people? Because right now...it is killing me that my professor has this false view of me. I can't stand it! It's driving me crazy. I want him to know the real me. I want him to know that he has the wrong impression of me. I want him to know that all of his assumptions of me are not even based on...anything. But what does that prove? If I could get him to listen to me...if I could get him to see my side...if I could get him to understand where I am coming from and actually see that he was wrong...what does that prove? That I am right and he is not? Big deal. So why all the stress over what this one professor thinks of me? It is partly because my grade for the semester lies in his hands and I want so badly to graduate with a 4.0. It is partly because I like having the image of the "good student."  It is partly because I don't want to fill some stereotype that he builds for students in general. It is partly pride...yes, I admit it. It is partly because the last thing I need is for someone to be telling me what I am not doing right.

 

Has your character ever been falsely attacked? Have you ever been made to feel 2 inches tall? Has it ever happened when you have done everything right and then some? I kill myself to do my best. I strive to do 110% in everything I do. I work my butt off to exceed expectations. So when I get punched in the face like this while I am doing my absolute best...well, it hurts. And then I am reminded...I should be working as for the Lord, not for man. It's only God's opinion of me that matters. God is my defender.

 

Please pray for me. Pray that I can forgive my professor. Pray that I can love my professor. Pray that I can let this go and truly let God handle it for me.

Learning to Praise Him in the Storm...

So much is going on. I find myself constantly on my knees wondering where I am supposed to be in the midst of it all. I find myself begging God to show me His purpose in it all. Why does He have me where He does? What is He trying to teach me? What is He trying to shape in me? What aspect of my character is He chipping at? How am I supposed to look at the end of the storm?

 

I feel so lost in the storm. I feel like the waves are crashing over me, and I just can't seem to catch my breath. It's too much for me. Surely, by now, God would have provided some relief. But no. Not yet. It's still raining. All of my strength is gone...I am actually getting worried about myself. Haha. I am having too many of "those days"- at least too many in a row.

 

But as the rain is pounding down...I hear His still, small voice calling to me. Not giving me all of the answers. For the answers, He says "wait." But He is just telling me that He is there. "I am with you." Just telling me that He is not going to let me go. That He is going to see me through the storm. I am so overwhelmed by His mercy. As strong as the waves are...His mercy crashes over me that much more. And so I will praise Him. I will praise Him...because He gives...and He takes away. I will lift my hands. I will stand with my arms wide open to heaven, even with tears streaming down my face. God is God no matter what's going on in my life. God holds all of my tears in His hands and promises never to leave my side. So despite the fact that my heart hurts...I will praise Him in this storm.

 

 

Currently Listening: Praise You in the Storm, by Casting Crowns (Lifesong)

Say Won't You Say

Oh say won't You say
Say that You love me
with love ever, love, love everlasting
All my devotion put into motion by You

Every morning
I have a chance to rise
and give my all but
Every afternoon I find
I have only wasted time
in light of Your awe

Isn't love amazing
I forgot how to speak
Knowing You are near and
I am finally free

Oh say won't You say
Say that You love me
with love ever, love, love everlasting
All my devotion put into motion by You

My eyes fear to close
This reckless letting go is hard to bear
On the edge of all I need
Still I cling to what I see
And what have I there?

Bred my own disaster
Who have I to blame?
All I need is waiting
to be fanned to flame

Oh say won't You say
Say that You love me
with love ever, love, love everlasting
All my devotion put into motion by You

I open up my eyes to see You standing there
Oh, I can barely breathe
I can hardly bear all the love that I feel for You inside
I hope You feel it now
some, somehow

oh say won't You say yeah
Say that You love me
With love ever, love, love everlasting
All my devotion put into motion by You
by You, yeah

 

 

Currently Listening: Say Won't You Say, by Jennifer Knapp (The Way I Am)