So lately I have
been, in a word, struggling. I feel as though I am on some emotional
roller coaster that continues to gain speed and might eventually even lose
control. I have never felt more like a girl than I have in the past few weeks.
Which is a good thing, because I am a girl. Haha. But seriously, I have never
been one to play into the whole girl drama thing...lately I have just been way
too girly in that department for my liking.
God is teaching me
all sorts of things right now. I am just trying to keep up with it all. I am
trying to slow down and sort through some of it. And it's hard. I have been
discovering things about myself that I didn't know. Some good...some not so
pretty. Some enlightening...some I am scared to delve into. I am trying
to sort through it all with God. It has definitely been a trying time-
full of questions, concerns, silence, hurt, fear. I have been going through a
lot of internal struggles. Knowing my purpose; how that purpose fits into God's
kingdom; how my gifts fit into that purpose. What is really important? Does God
really care what specific job I have, or is it more about how I shine for Him
in it? What do I do with the desires He has placed in me, that make me who
I am? Why won't God bring about specific circumstances that I desire, that I
feel are godly desires? What is He trying to show me?
I try really hard at
everything I do. I am an over-achiever. I throw all of myself into
everything I do. Which is part of the exhaustion I am feeling as I
struggle to finish school. I want so desperately to do God’s will. My
biggest fear is making a decision outside of His will. What if I make the wrong
choice? Will I "miss out" on the blessings God had designed for me in
the context of His will? I know that God's ways are better than my own. And
everything in me wants to make sure that I choose the path that draws me closer
to His heart. I feel as though my heart is in the right place, but somewhere
along the way, my execution has became somewhat misguided.
Somewhere along the
way, I reached a rut in my spiritual life where I felt my growth had all of a
sudden halted. And I convinced myself it was because I wasn't doing enough on
my end to stimulate that growth. I had lost my fire and wanted so desperately
to have it back...so I began to ask myself- what godly thing can I do to fix
it? I have a, b, and c down; what other things can I do to show God how much I
love Him? What other godly to-do lists will draw me closer to God? It’s as
though I had convinced myself that if I could just get it right this time, if I
could just do that one perfect thing that will show God how much I love Him,
then….what? What???? I don't know what. I know I can't earn God's love. I know
that doing godly things is good. So then where is the problem?
The problem is that I
have been essentially working for God’s approval. I know that’s not the
way it works, and it is not even remotely biblical. But in the midst of trying
to be a good Christian and trying to do all the godly Christian things you are
"supposed" to do, I have backed myself into a corner of trying
to earn God’s favor. Right now I am in the midst of trying to unpack exactly
how I got here. What went wrong? How did I get to a place where I was convinced
that one more "right" thing would be the ticket? A place where I am
constantly feeling guilty for not getting it right and so I need to try harder?
All of a sudden I am at the end of my rope of doing "right" things.
The scary part is that I am looking around wondering where God went.
He didn't go
anywhere. He has always been there. He will always be there. I am the one who
has gone off in her own little world. I haven't rejected God. But ironically,
in my pursuit of trying to be closer to Him, I- to a certain degree- drew away from Him. I have
struggled with so much lately...I have cried out desperately to God wondering
where He is. God, where are
you in the midst of all of this? And the whole time, He has been
whispering to my heart, I
am right here. I can't tell you yet why I couldn't hear His
whispers. That's part of the unpacking process I am a little scared of.
The fact of the
matter is that I have been trying too hard. I
have been trying too hard. Me. Seeing it typed out on this page makes me sick
to my stomach. How could I have been so blind? I made it all about me and what
I could do. And that grieves my heart because that is not what I know to be
true and that is not what I desire. The truth is that I cannot do enough godly
things to earn God's favor. It has never
been about the right things I can do to show my love for Him. Again,
typing this out and re-reading it...DUH.
It seems so blatantly obvious now. It seems so elementary. I thought this
principle only applied to salvation. But it also applies to my overall
walk with Christ, too.
Am I trying to earn
more blessings? Am I trying to be a better Christian than someone else? Am I
trying to somehow motivate God to give me the things I desire? I
don't know. Again- part of that unpacking process I am sure is in my near
future. For now, I am readjusting to the idea that God loves me. Period. That's
it. Nothing more. Nothing less. He just loves me. And I will never in a million
years understand the depth of His love. I will never in a million years be able
to repay His love. That's something about me- I have this thing about paying
off my debts. I feel like I always have to even the score, in the sense that I
make sure I repay someone what I owe them or repay someone with the same (or
more) kindness and generosity that they showed me. Ask people who have lent me
50 cents for a dr. pepper- I have
to pay them back. I am out of sorts until I do. It's a quirk, I know. But back
to God...
I can't do
enough...even if I tried...to show God the same love He has shown me. I just
can't. I am not able to- I am too inferior. I simply do not have that capacity.
Never will. So the fact that I even tried...it's just absolutely ridiculous in
every sense of the word. I have this picture in my mind of God allowing things
in my life over the past year to literally make my heart empty. I picture all I
have struggled with, and I see God making the emptiness greater. But it's not
because He is a mean or uncaring God. It's actually just the opposite. I see it
as His ultimate and sovereign loving way of making it possible to pour that
much more love back into my heart. And to my weary (and very empty) heart, that
is some very
good news. I feel as though He is beginning the process of filling my heart.
And the promises of Him actually overflowing
my heart with His love and His joy...I can't even describe it to
you.
So where do I go from
here? Well, I am learning to let go of control. I am learning to let go of my
pride. I am re-learning it's not about me and it's entirely about God. I am re-learning to just
bask in God's love. I am learning to...well, stop trying. That's sounds absurd,
but is in essence what God is trying to shape in me. How great is my God to
have been whispering to my heart this whole time. How great is my God to have
been with me the entire time I have been aimlessly wandering. How great is my
God for continuing to love me in spite of myself. How great is my God to have
been so patient with my sinful and ridiculous ways. How great is my God for not
laughing at my childish ways. How great is my God to have loved me in such a
way that I can never repay Him because it is that
great of a love.
