Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Everything is Going to be OK...Right?

So a friend shared this quote with me and I felt like it really spoke to me...
"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads.  Afraid. Confused.  Without a roadmap.  The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days.  Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.  But once in a while people push on to something better.  Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone.  And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in.  Or to give someone a second chance.  Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream.  Because it's only when you're tested, that you truly discover who you are.  And it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you can be.  The person you want to be does exist.  Somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief... and beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead."
I would say I am definitely at a crossroads. I feel mine might be more intense...like I am afraid and confused, don't have a roadmap, am in the middle of nowhere blindfolded, with my hands and feet tied behind my back. Oh yeah, and I can't find my socks...(haha- inside joke with my mom.) Ok, so this might be an exaggeration, but I think you get the point. I feel as though I have tried to do the noble thing and push on to something better for a really long time. I feel as though I have been taking the longest test of my life. I am waiting for that "other side." When does the hard work and faith and belief pay off? When do I get to be beyond the heartache and the fear? I know it's there...and this quote reminded me of that. It's somewhere...I am just hoping and praying that it is this side of eternity...
A sweet friend asked me what she could be praying for (in reference to my last entry). The only answer I can give is that I am just feeling everything that my last entry described. I feel as though there was no break between last semester (which was the one from hell), and this one and that I have nothing left to give. I am struggling in my classes...I have literally come to hate school. I am even getting to the point where I don't care anymore. And that is frustrating because that is not like me. But I am struggling to find value in the classes I am in. I am struggling to stay awake in them, struggling just to focus in general. I feel guilty because I have so much to be thankful for. I feel guilty because I should be more excited about my last semester. I just can't seem to muster that excitement. This is more than just normal "Erin-stress." I am worn out, I am exhausted. I literally cried all the way home from SA this weekend because I dreaded so much coming back to all the stress, the schedule, the demands...I am pulled in so many differnet directions and feel as though I might crack or lose it almost every second of the day. Running is not doing enough to relieve the stress. And it makes my stomach upset thinking about having to add the task of finding a job. Which is another source of frustration. I am ready to be out of school...but am not really even excited about finding a new job. Actually...I take that back. I am excited about a new job. It's the process of obtaining that job that puts my stomach in knots.
So there is something wrong in my heart. There is something wrong in my spirit. Maybe "wrong" is too harsh a word. Or maybe it isn't...maybe "unsettled" might fit. I know that this will pass...it's just really hard to endure right now. I know God has a purpose for the season He has me in. I know that He has not forgotten me. I know that He is with me every step of the way. He reminded me of this just in the sweet encouraging words of friends, just in the questions of concern from friends who care about and love me. God is good- He always has been, He always will be. And that reminds me that everything is going to be ok.

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