Screaming Out to God

Oh my gosh...I feel as though I am going to hyperventilate. I just finished my first week of classes and I am already ready to quit. No more. I am done. It took every part of my being not to run out of my classes screaming.

 

Normally at the beginning of the semester, I get a little excited about starting classes...even if it's in a geeky "I like my new pencils and new notebooks" kind of way. This semester? Nothing. I have dreaded this week since I registered. I feel as though I have had no break and that this is just a continuation of last semester, which was p.s. awful. I have never felt this way before in my life and I really don't know what to do with myself. I hate ALL of my classes...I can't even muster a little tiny excitement or "deal with it" attitude for any of them. I think the frustrating part is that I am taking 6 less hours than last semester...but nothing seems any different. I am still going to be just as busy, just as stressed out, just as tired, just as frustrated. Oh, and on top of all those wonderful feelings...I have to look for a job. grrr...

 

So this is the part where I scream out to God, cry, kick, whatever...because I really have already had a meltdown in the first week. Everything that could go wrong did. Everyone who could have been annoying was. Every situation that I would normally avoid threw itself in my face. I feel so impatient with everything right now and it is driving me crazy!!! I can't even pretend to put on a happy face. I can't even say I will try. I just need to cry and scream to God. Because I literally have no idea what else to do. Because I am not going to make it this semester without Him. At this point, I am not really feeling so confident that I am going to make it with Him....

 

Everything seems so overwhelming right now. And I am a person that normally can handle a lot. But I think that I have handled a lot for too long. Oh I have said I wanted to quit before. But I have always been kidding or only partly serious. The only thing that is keeping me from quitting at this point is that I have already paid tuition. I should be excited! But I am SO not. I should be enjoying the last ounces of my Baylor experience...but I don't really care at this point. This is so bad! I have never in my entire life NOT wanted to do something so much as I do NOT want to do this semester. I have a feeling this is going to be a long semester.

 

If you need me, I will be the one lying on my face in the back of the room screaming to God...

All I Need

Happy New Year! So we have finally arrived at the year 2007. I have to say it's kind of surreal. I never thought this year would come. You know when you are a kid, college-aged people seem so old. When I was a kid, I remember thinking how I would be 22 when I graduated from college in the year 2007...and that seemed so far away to me. And yet, here I am. I don't feel old. Far from it, actually.  Now that I am here, it doesn't seem like what it would be when I imagined it as a kid. I feel like I should feel older than I really do, though. It's kind of a weird feeling. Anywho...

 

So what's for me in 2007? No clue. LOL. One more semester in school. Graduation in May. Hopefully a new job. A new life. I feel like I am standing at the base of a huge mountain; I feel overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of changes before me. They are looming in the very near future and it scares the crap out of me. But I am beginning to feel that tiny pinch of excitement about it.  I just have to get to the point where the excitement outweighs the fear. The whole job search thing is too much for me to think about right now, but I know I need to. No one in BEST can believe I haven't even started. Haha. When I think about my personality, I can hardly believe it myself. But 18 hours, group projects, working, leading a community group, Prague nearly killed me last semester...there simply was no time to think about jobs. And over Christmas break, job hunting was the last thing I wanted to be doing after such a hectic semester. I needed time to breathe. But now the new semester is getting ready to start and I need to start thinking about it. I will let you know what God decides to share with me regarding all of that. Somehow, given my past circumstances, I don't think this will be a simple thing. There will be lots of prayer, tears, stress, faith involved.

 

When I was thinking about new years resolutions, I decided not to have any. Haha. There is logic behind that...why make a resolution only at the beginning of the year? Why only because it's January 1? Why not whenever you feel God poking at you in some area of your life? While I don't have any official resolutions, I still will face this semester as one of new beginnings. My heart's desire practically every day is to spend more time with Him. The other day, I actually woke up with a deep yearning to spend time with Him. The apartment was quiet and I was not rushing off somewhere. In the stillness, I heard God's invitation. And so I spent time with Him thinking about "resolutions" if you will...

 

I want to ache for God. I want to ache for Him in such a way that I cannot find peace until I spend time with Him. I want to perceive things the way Christ perceives them; I want to think the way Christ would think; I want to do what Christ would do. I want to fulfill my calling- to become an "everlasting splendor." I long for the kind of peace and joy that characterizes the lives of seasoned and godly Christians. I want to become the woman God created me to be. I want God to show me this semester what He had in mind when He created me. I want to be content with where God has me. I want to be content with it being just me and God. I want to be able to say with complete honesty and sincerity that He is all I need.

 

Every semester, God is faithful to give me a song that is my "semester song." It is one that I strive to live my life by that semester. Ever faithful, this is what He has provided for me:

 

When the day is done

And there’s no one else around

While I’m lying here in bed

You’re in my heart, You’re in my head

You’re all I need

You’re all I need

 

There are a million voices

Calling out my name

You’re the one I want to hear

So make the others disappear

You’re all I need

You’re all I need

 

You are all I need when I’m surrounded

You are all I need if I’m by myself

Fill me when I’m empty

There is nothing else

You’re all I need

 

When the morning comes

And Your mercy is renewed

There’s a fire in my bones

I’m not afraid to go alone

You’re all I need

You’re all I need

 

The sun on my face

I hear you whisper loud

Still the God who opens seas

Every flower, even me

You’re all I need

You’re all I need

 

You are all I need when I’m surrounded

You are all I need if I’m by myself

Fill me when I’m empty

There is nothing else

You’re all I need

 

He is all I need...

 

 

Currently Reading: The Life You've Always Wanted, by John Ortberg

When the Rain Comes...

 

When the rain comes
it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls
you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

 

I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away

 

When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
It'll be alright
No one loves you like I do

 

When the rain comes
I will hold you

 

I am so thankful that He holds me until the rain goes away. So many times I sit and cry and wonder why He won't stop the rain. I miss the whole point: that He holds me until it's gone. I just have to rest in Him. Everything will be alright. And no one loves me like He does. And so I sit and I cry in His arms...as the rain falls.

 

 

Currently Listening: When the Rain Comes, by Third Day (Come Together)

Whirlwinds, Encouragements, and Prague

Wow! So much has happened...life has been one big whirlwind. I finally have a moment to breathe and reflect back. But even that moment seems too brief- go figure.

So that week that was split between october and november...I pretty much thought I was going to die. I had to get so much done that week before I left for Prague, and it was just unreal the amount of things there were. To put it in perspective- I was a CL for 2 years and had a few meltdowns during that time because of how overwhelming that job is when you are trying to be a student, attend church, and keep up with friends. I can say that week (and the one after Prague) was far worse than any of the meltdown times I had as a CL. That's saying a lot. Without exaggeration- I literally had more to do that week than I had hours in the day to do it. I got so little sleep that week- haha. It was pretty scary there for awhile...I definitely didn't even sleep the night before we left for Prague, simply because I hadn't had the time to pack. Oh dear...

But God was GOOD and pulled me through it (of course), and I spent the next week in Prague. But before I get to that, I have to praise God for some encouragement I received the night before I left...

So I called my parents the night before I left for Prague (I had to get the parent speech about not going anywhere by myself, making sure I took the right measures not to get pick pocketed...you know, the usual). To my surprise, my brother was home and wanted to talk to me (2 things that haven't occurred in a long time- and especially not at the same time). So he got on the phone...and oh my gosh, I am starting to cry just typing this. Haha- I am such a sap. I just really haven’t had the time to really let it sink in. I guess it’s finally hitting me and I am just so overwhelmed with joy. Anyway, God is doing His work, and I think my brother is back! Talking to him, I could hear a difference in his voice. The attitude was gone. There was genuine joy in his voice. And he couldn’t tell me fast enough about all that God has been doing. There is a renewed excitement in him about His relationship with God. He literally cannot get enough of Him. He literally has come to a point where nothing else matters to him except God. He literally aches for God. Which was exactly my prayer. I can’t even express in words how this makes me feel. This is something for which I have been praying for over a year. He and my parents actually met me at the airport in Austin when I got back from Prague (basically because they are amazing and really cute). Seeing him with this new air about him, getting a real hug from him…I don’t think I could ask for anything more. That made my entire semester. So thank you to everyone who have been praying with me for my brother. Please continue to pray for God’s work in his life, that Satan would not find any footholds.

And now Prague…I got to spend a week in the Czech Republic and didn’t have to pay for it. This makes me very happy. It was part of the B.E.S.T. program that I am in at the b-school. While we were there, we met with local business leaders to discuss the experiences they have had in the international arena (that was the "class" part of the trip). We met with the new US ambassador, which was really cool. And the rest of the time, we just got a tour of the city. It was amazing. It was pretty much a vacation. Which is just one of those sweet blessings that God planned ahead of time. The city was beautiful...it was like stepping back in time. Amazing architecture, cobblestone streets, intersting history...

We visited Prague Castle, St. Vitus' Cathedral, Charles Bridge, Old Town Square, Skoda Automobile Plant, Terezin (a work camp during Nazi Germany time), the Jewish synagogue, the John Lennon peace wall...it was such a great experience. It was interesting to learn the history of the Czech people- it really is a sad and dark history. Which explains a lot about our experience. People weren't very friendly, they hardly ever smiled, they do not talk on public transportation (not like us loud Americans)...they are wary of foreigners and still have reminders around of the old regime. I learned a lot and definitely got bitten by the travel bug. I wanted to travel before...and this trip makes me want to even more. I want to go everywhere, learn everything. I really hope that that is part of God's plan for me somehow in my future. Parts of the trip were difficult...I was constantly on my knees asking for His wisdom, grace, and love. Just some expectations that were not met, some disappointments, some challenges of living out my faith in a world where it is not valued. He is good, and I just praise Him for the opportunities I was given. Here are some of my favorite pics from the trip:

St. Vitus' Cathedral

View of the city from the top of 287-step tower

Jewish cemetary

Path to Terezin

Walls of Terezin

A view from inside the corridor

Charles Bridge at sunrise

Astronimcal clock in Old Town Square

ITBS- where we stayed during the week

Life is Crazy

Life is crazy. But I am still breathing, God is still amazing, and every day is a beautiful blessing from the beautiful Savior who loves me.

 

I leave for Prague on Saturday and I am so excited!!!