All I Need

Happy New Year! So we have finally arrived at the year 2007. I have to say it's kind of surreal. I never thought this year would come. You know when you are a kid, college-aged people seem so old. When I was a kid, I remember thinking how I would be 22 when I graduated from college in the year 2007...and that seemed so far away to me. And yet, here I am. I don't feel old. Far from it, actually.  Now that I am here, it doesn't seem like what it would be when I imagined it as a kid. I feel like I should feel older than I really do, though. It's kind of a weird feeling. Anywho...

 

So what's for me in 2007? No clue. LOL. One more semester in school. Graduation in May. Hopefully a new job. A new life. I feel like I am standing at the base of a huge mountain; I feel overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of changes before me. They are looming in the very near future and it scares the crap out of me. But I am beginning to feel that tiny pinch of excitement about it.  I just have to get to the point where the excitement outweighs the fear. The whole job search thing is too much for me to think about right now, but I know I need to. No one in BEST can believe I haven't even started. Haha. When I think about my personality, I can hardly believe it myself. But 18 hours, group projects, working, leading a community group, Prague nearly killed me last semester...there simply was no time to think about jobs. And over Christmas break, job hunting was the last thing I wanted to be doing after such a hectic semester. I needed time to breathe. But now the new semester is getting ready to start and I need to start thinking about it. I will let you know what God decides to share with me regarding all of that. Somehow, given my past circumstances, I don't think this will be a simple thing. There will be lots of prayer, tears, stress, faith involved.

 

When I was thinking about new years resolutions, I decided not to have any. Haha. There is logic behind that...why make a resolution only at the beginning of the year? Why only because it's January 1? Why not whenever you feel God poking at you in some area of your life? While I don't have any official resolutions, I still will face this semester as one of new beginnings. My heart's desire practically every day is to spend more time with Him. The other day, I actually woke up with a deep yearning to spend time with Him. The apartment was quiet and I was not rushing off somewhere. In the stillness, I heard God's invitation. And so I spent time with Him thinking about "resolutions" if you will...

 

I want to ache for God. I want to ache for Him in such a way that I cannot find peace until I spend time with Him. I want to perceive things the way Christ perceives them; I want to think the way Christ would think; I want to do what Christ would do. I want to fulfill my calling- to become an "everlasting splendor." I long for the kind of peace and joy that characterizes the lives of seasoned and godly Christians. I want to become the woman God created me to be. I want God to show me this semester what He had in mind when He created me. I want to be content with where God has me. I want to be content with it being just me and God. I want to be able to say with complete honesty and sincerity that He is all I need.

 

Every semester, God is faithful to give me a song that is my "semester song." It is one that I strive to live my life by that semester. Ever faithful, this is what He has provided for me:

 

When the day is done

And there’s no one else around

While I’m lying here in bed

You’re in my heart, You’re in my head

You’re all I need

You’re all I need

 

There are a million voices

Calling out my name

You’re the one I want to hear

So make the others disappear

You’re all I need

You’re all I need

 

You are all I need when I’m surrounded

You are all I need if I’m by myself

Fill me when I’m empty

There is nothing else

You’re all I need

 

When the morning comes

And Your mercy is renewed

There’s a fire in my bones

I’m not afraid to go alone

You’re all I need

You’re all I need

 

The sun on my face

I hear you whisper loud

Still the God who opens seas

Every flower, even me

You’re all I need

You’re all I need

 

You are all I need when I’m surrounded

You are all I need if I’m by myself

Fill me when I’m empty

There is nothing else

You’re all I need

 

He is all I need...

 

 

Currently Reading: The Life You've Always Wanted, by John Ortberg

When the Rain Comes...

 

When the rain comes
it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls
you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

 

I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away

 

When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
It'll be alright
No one loves you like I do

 

When the rain comes
I will hold you

 

I am so thankful that He holds me until the rain goes away. So many times I sit and cry and wonder why He won't stop the rain. I miss the whole point: that He holds me until it's gone. I just have to rest in Him. Everything will be alright. And no one loves me like He does. And so I sit and I cry in His arms...as the rain falls.

 

 

Currently Listening: When the Rain Comes, by Third Day (Come Together)

Whirlwinds, Encouragements, and Prague

Wow! So much has happened...life has been one big whirlwind. I finally have a moment to breathe and reflect back. But even that moment seems too brief- go figure.

So that week that was split between october and november...I pretty much thought I was going to die. I had to get so much done that week before I left for Prague, and it was just unreal the amount of things there were. To put it in perspective- I was a CL for 2 years and had a few meltdowns during that time because of how overwhelming that job is when you are trying to be a student, attend church, and keep up with friends. I can say that week (and the one after Prague) was far worse than any of the meltdown times I had as a CL. That's saying a lot. Without exaggeration- I literally had more to do that week than I had hours in the day to do it. I got so little sleep that week- haha. It was pretty scary there for awhile...I definitely didn't even sleep the night before we left for Prague, simply because I hadn't had the time to pack. Oh dear...

But God was GOOD and pulled me through it (of course), and I spent the next week in Prague. But before I get to that, I have to praise God for some encouragement I received the night before I left...

So I called my parents the night before I left for Prague (I had to get the parent speech about not going anywhere by myself, making sure I took the right measures not to get pick pocketed...you know, the usual). To my surprise, my brother was home and wanted to talk to me (2 things that haven't occurred in a long time- and especially not at the same time). So he got on the phone...and oh my gosh, I am starting to cry just typing this. Haha- I am such a sap. I just really haven’t had the time to really let it sink in. I guess it’s finally hitting me and I am just so overwhelmed with joy. Anyway, God is doing His work, and I think my brother is back! Talking to him, I could hear a difference in his voice. The attitude was gone. There was genuine joy in his voice. And he couldn’t tell me fast enough about all that God has been doing. There is a renewed excitement in him about His relationship with God. He literally cannot get enough of Him. He literally has come to a point where nothing else matters to him except God. He literally aches for God. Which was exactly my prayer. I can’t even express in words how this makes me feel. This is something for which I have been praying for over a year. He and my parents actually met me at the airport in Austin when I got back from Prague (basically because they are amazing and really cute). Seeing him with this new air about him, getting a real hug from him…I don’t think I could ask for anything more. That made my entire semester. So thank you to everyone who have been praying with me for my brother. Please continue to pray for God’s work in his life, that Satan would not find any footholds.

And now Prague…I got to spend a week in the Czech Republic and didn’t have to pay for it. This makes me very happy. It was part of the B.E.S.T. program that I am in at the b-school. While we were there, we met with local business leaders to discuss the experiences they have had in the international arena (that was the "class" part of the trip). We met with the new US ambassador, which was really cool. And the rest of the time, we just got a tour of the city. It was amazing. It was pretty much a vacation. Which is just one of those sweet blessings that God planned ahead of time. The city was beautiful...it was like stepping back in time. Amazing architecture, cobblestone streets, intersting history...

We visited Prague Castle, St. Vitus' Cathedral, Charles Bridge, Old Town Square, Skoda Automobile Plant, Terezin (a work camp during Nazi Germany time), the Jewish synagogue, the John Lennon peace wall...it was such a great experience. It was interesting to learn the history of the Czech people- it really is a sad and dark history. Which explains a lot about our experience. People weren't very friendly, they hardly ever smiled, they do not talk on public transportation (not like us loud Americans)...they are wary of foreigners and still have reminders around of the old regime. I learned a lot and definitely got bitten by the travel bug. I wanted to travel before...and this trip makes me want to even more. I want to go everywhere, learn everything. I really hope that that is part of God's plan for me somehow in my future. Parts of the trip were difficult...I was constantly on my knees asking for His wisdom, grace, and love. Just some expectations that were not met, some disappointments, some challenges of living out my faith in a world where it is not valued. He is good, and I just praise Him for the opportunities I was given. Here are some of my favorite pics from the trip:

St. Vitus' Cathedral

View of the city from the top of 287-step tower

Jewish cemetary

Path to Terezin

Walls of Terezin

A view from inside the corridor

Charles Bridge at sunrise

Astronimcal clock in Old Town Square

ITBS- where we stayed during the week

Life is Crazy

Life is crazy. But I am still breathing, God is still amazing, and every day is a beautiful blessing from the beautiful Savior who loves me.

 

I leave for Prague on Saturday and I am so excited!!!

Brain Overload

So my poor little brain has been doing a lot of thinking in the past week or so. Of course, there is the thinking involved in the massive amounts of studying I do. What else is new. And then there is the thinking involved in my future, what I am going to do with my life, life-altering decisions, God's will...the hard stuff. I was really excited about the whole consulting thing...it sounded like a great opportunity and involved a lot of things that I know I would like. And yet there was something in the back of my mind that kept bothering me about the whole thing. I couldn't really put my finger on it. Oh, but my dad was able to. My dad is good at that. I feel like every major decision I make has to go through dad first. Not for permission...but for approval, confirmation, encouragement, direction. He always has fatherly words of wisdom to impart and this time was no exception.

I was going on and on about all the "wonderful and exciting opportunities." He listened, agreed, and then said, "That does sound great! The only thing that is missing from all of that is event planning. I think consulting with this company would be a great fit for the right person." That got me thinking. He and I talked about it, and we came to the conclusion that I don't need to be trying to figure out my next 30 years right now. haha. The truth is that I really do want to pursue this event planning thing. I am loving my internship at Pendley, and I feel like I have the skills and talents needed for a career in that industry. And I know I would love it. It is the one job I can think of that I would actually enjoy doing every day. It is really the only thing that even interests me at this point in my life. So why have I been fighting it so much?

I have always been a disciplined person. I have always been the over-achiever, the one with high aspirations and goals, the one who gives 110% in everything she does. The one who is "going places" (lol- whatever the heck that means). I have always been sure of myself, confident, had specific plans for my life. I thrive in school because there is an attainable goal for me. There is something to work toward. In high school, it made even more sense to work hard at achieving good grades so that I could get into Baylor and get scholarships to go to and stay there. I achieved that, and did so with excellence (that's not meant to brag on myself, just prove the point of my thought process/logic in all of this). In college, working hard to achieve good grades makes sense so that I can keep my scholarships, and build up my resume for a job after graduation. But that's where I run into the roadblock. When I came to Baylor, I had all kinds of goals to become this amazing business woman, be the CEO of some major corporation. But over the course of my years here, I have come to realize that that is not where I want, or need, to be anymore. Or at least, not in the same way or intensity as when I started here. If all that happens, that's great; but it's not what I am working toward any more.

So that is the snag- I have nothing to work toward anymore. And I am so lost. It's like I can't function! I mean, I still have some goals. I worked hard to make it into the BEST program. I set a goal for myself, I worked hard toward it, and I attained it. I am still working hard for good grades- it's what I am good at, it's what I know what to do. My goal is to graduate with a 4.0 (so I can get a cool medallion from Baylor- haha). But then what? Graduation is quickly approaching, and I don't know what to attain after that. Again, there is nothing left to work toward. Because the things I thought I wanted, I just don't anymore. There are other goals, or things I would like to achieve...but I can't really attain them by my own effort. It's pretty much dependent on God and other people. I have no control. And God has clearly told me that I have to continue waiting, be content with where He has me, and do everything I can to honor, glorify, and serve Him in my present circumstances. So what do I do in the meantime, when I don't have any goals that are actually attainable through my typical hard work and discipline?

Sure, if I pursue this event planning thing, I will have to work toward that. But I wondered earlier why I have been fighting that so much. It's because I somehow let someone put it in my mind that it's not a "real" job. It doesn't make sense to me to have worked so hard all of my life to "just end up planning things." It's not a job that pays well, at least not in my first entry-level years (it takes awhile to work up to the point of high-end return). I have always been a responsible, independent person, so I can't help but think about how I am going to be able to support myself. And I am just not seeing how it's possible on an entry-level event planner's salary (if I even get a salary...it will most likely be a wage). I am not looking for a life of luxury; I just want to be able to support myself and pay my bills without having to worry- rent, food, insurance, school loans...it's overwhelming to think about. And I honestly am starting to doubt myself. I don't know if I can do it and that scares the crap out of me. And really, how does planning an event advance God's kingdom? I'm afraid it doesn't. Blast. I just run myself in circles when I think too much. I have not forgotten or put aside the goals involved in my walk with Christ...those are all alive and well and what I am hard core pursuing right now...maybe that's the point of all of this. I have nothing else material to work toward- God has taken all of that away so that working toward taking steps in my spiritual journey is all I have left...

My dad was so good to reminded me that I needed to choose something based on the desires of my heart, the things I enjoy doing, not just something that will pay the bills. Otherwise I will be miserable. And he is absolutely right- I know I would be miserable as a consultant because it's not what I would enjoy doing. And I have to be reminded- And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:19). I am relying too much on my own abilities- my discipline, my hard work, my responsibility, my independence- me, me, me. Blah. God is the one who will meet all of my needs. He is the one I need to trust. Here I go again trying to trust in myself instead. Sigh. It's not a matter of what I can do; it's solely a matter of what God can do through me. I should probably clarify that the one thing I am sure about is that God has called me to use my gifts and talents in the business world. I have been called to serve Christ in business. I have not received a clear calling on a specific area in business, but feel God is calling me to live out my faith amongst unbelieving business people. So that can be done in event planning too. It's just the over-analyzing that gets me running in circles...

On another little side note...I hate this world and really can't stand being in it anymore. That's not a depression/suicide statement. It's me not being content here, wanting to just be with my Savior and rid of everything in this world. I was watching the news this morning and it depressed me. I think I may just have to stop watching it. Studying Romans and about the downward spiral of sin to depravity has just opened my eyes to how ugly our world really is. It makes me sick to my stomach and I really just don't want to be here any more...It's hard because I just want to live life, love God, grow closer to Him, love people, bring them closer to Him. It's not that I can't do those things now; it's that I feel so confined in having to do it according to the world's set of rules. Meaning, I still have to work, I still have to survive and support myself. And that's what I hate. I am just sick of all the worldy pressures to achieve and succeed. Do this, do that....do good in school, get a college degree, get a good job, be a productive member of society, find the perfect person to spend the rest of your life with, take good care of your family, etc. These things aren't bad- they all fit into God's plan and will for us. I just feel like these things become the focus, rather than the product of a life spent serving Christ. It's doubly hard because these characteristics of achievement and responsibility are innate in my own character. God can (and does) use those characteristics for His glory; that is how I strive to serve Him. This probably isn't making much sense on paper...it does in my mind, though, so don't worry.

So my poor little brain has been at it again...analyzing and over-analyzing everything. Lol. It's tiring, let me tell you. Especially when I don't get any closer to answering any of my questions and just end up with more questions. But the beautiful thing in all of this...I am still at peace with it all. Ironic, huh? Completely uncharacteristic of me, for sure. It just makes me laugh. God is still in control. God is still sovereign. God still knows where I will be in May. God still loves me and wants the best for me. And everything is going to be ok...