Walk With Me Through 2025...

2025 was undoubtedly marked by grief. I felt as though I walked through my days in a haze, and there is now a weight of grief knowing that an entire year has passed since we lost Michael. Grief is complicated, and it's a difficult thing to navigate as you balance life with kids and ministry, figure out the day-to day, and just try to find your new "normal." The Lord has been with me through it all, and I am beyond grateful that I do not walk this journey alone. As always, He has been faithful and good.

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In January, I wrapped up my job at Independent Bank after 13 years; it was the end of an era! We also got to enjoy several fun snow days, the first of the year. Since Christmas was a little overshadowed, we did our drive to look at Christmas lights a little late. We were still in the midst of grieving, as we headed back to Texas for Michael's Celebration of Life service. It was good to be with family and honor his life, but it was definitely hard to walk through all the formal steps of grief. We did our best to kick off school, and I had an MR Enterography.

We celebrated Chinese New Year in February with our church family, had several snow and ice days, and Aiden got to watch the Super Bowl! I turned 40, and got to celebrate with my family, a mammogram and a shingles diagnosis haha. The kids got to participate in the Pinewood Derby Race at church, which was so fun :)

In March, I had a colonoscopy {fun}, Maddie and I got to attend a baby shower together, and we got to serve at Generosity Feeds again. We had to say goodbye to our Pilot, and bought a new-to-us Kia Telluride. Our community group had a Pi Day event, and we got to make homemade pizzas together. Mike and Maddie attended a Father-Daughter Dinner, and it was so fun to see them all dressed up. They had a blast! My parents came to visit, and we got to enjoy Build-A-Bear, Harper's Ferry, cuddling baby goats, and Mount Vernon.

April was filled with a lot of the normal day-to-day. Mail from Texas, flowers from my love, snuggles with my babes, Pioneer Girls, nightly dinners, Perler beads and Yoto cards, dress up, haircuts with Maddie, park days with Daddy, glimpses of Spring, and learning how to crochet. We celebrated Easter with fun baskets and services at church. 

We celebrated Mother's Day in May, and I coached soccer for Aiden's U8 team. Mr. Jesse came to visit, and the warmer weather meant s'mores! I got to attend a women's conference to hear Kelly Minter speak, and the boys wrapped up their father/son program with a Citizenship unit. We wrapped up school and went on our annual strawberry picking trip. We kicked off our summer with a visit from Mr. Drew, a water balloon fight with friends, and building living room forts. I also wrapped up our women's ministry year with an end-of-year brunch.

In June, we welcomed family to town over Father's Day and what would have been Michael's birthday. We went to the National Zoo, Old Town Alexandria, the National Mall, and the Natural History Museum. The weather ranged from the 40s to 100, which was absolutely wild! On the warmer days, we enjoyed some time at the pool. We got to have friends from Texas over for dinner, and our church picnic featured a fire truck again. 

We celebrated the 4th of July with a picnic and fireworks with our neighbors. Aiden was losing teeth left and right, and he also got to wrap up his eye-patching journey! We got to enjoy and serve at VBS: True North, and Mike and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. A sweet lady in our church allowed us to stay at her beach house, and we got to take the kids to the beach for the first time! Mike got to go on his pastor retreat, but not before seeing my parents and going to the TX Whiskey Ranch with my dad. 

In August, I ended up doing a sleep study and seeing a cardiologist {thankfully all is fine}. We kicked off a new school year and celebrated Aiden's 7th birthday with an Avengers-themed day. Grandma and Papa were able to be here for his birthday, which was extra fun. We also got to enjoy the LEGO Discovery Center, the Bear's Den Park Trail, and apple picking at Stribling Orchard. We started The Wingfeather Saga, which has been a nightly family read. Maddie wrote her first book, and we enjoyed a cookout with our community group.

We were soaking up the beautiful weather in September. We took a drive out to Bluemont for ice cream, we were in the thick of school, and we were enjoying all the wildlife in our neighborhood. I got to attend our annual women's retreat.

In October, I went on a girls trip to West Virginia with Laura to celebrate our 40th birthdays. Despite months of fighting, I lost a battle with insurance to cover my Stelara and was forced to switch to a biosimilar. I began taking Wezlana and struggled with the side effects. Fall was definitely here, with cooler weather and the changing of the leaves. We attended the Oakton band competition, I took the kids with me to vote, and we trick-or-treated with Optimus Prime, Bumble Bee, and a green M&M :)

Eli and Maddie turned 9 {!} in November, and we celebrated with LEGOs and chipmunks! We had a game night with some friends from church, and we were excited to celebrate Daddy's 44th birthday. It was all hands on deck to prepare a full Thanksgiving feast, as we enjoyed the company of a couple of friends from church this year. 

We started December with our Advent countdown, and I shared for Crohn's and Colitis Awareness Week what "IBD Looks Like..." I also shared about my struggle with the biosimilar and the side effects I have been experiencing, but also how the Lord unexpectedly moved mountains to put me back on my original medication. I shared a bit of my heart on the one year anniversary of losing my brother, how moments shape so much of our lives. While the holidays have been tough, I have tried to make the best of them for the kids: finishing out school, a Christmas band concert, homemade peppermint hot chocolate, Christmas crafts, and gingerbread cookies. We took the kids to see their first movie in the theatre, enjoyed Christmas Eve service with our church family, and got to spend the last week of the year with Grandma and Papa.

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I wish I felt "refreshed" and ready to take on a new year, but I feel like I am still wading through a lot of emotions, trying to find my way. I don't necessarily feel lost, but I also don't feel invigorated and ready to tackle a whole long list of new things. Maybe it's still a protection factor for my fragile heart, but I feel...steady and at peace. Almost like this past year has forced me to slow down, reevaluate, and refocus on my main tasks. In a lot of ways, I'm not sorry that I find myself in a simpler phase, even though there still seem to be so many question marks. 

So I'm stepping into 2026, trusting the hand of my Savior, knowing that His faithfulness will lead the way through what is ahead. I only need to remain faithful to what is right in front of me.

{iPhone Rewind} :: December

Sometimes math is hard.

Versailles masks!

I got to help with some of our Christmas decorations for church; it was fun to put the different languages represented on the wooden circles! {And yes, we caught the misspelling and fixed it haha}

We got our first snow early this year!

Some friends invited us to a Christmas band concert, and they had fun crafts, balloon art, and yummy treats!

I'm so thankful for these ladies (minus one!) These Bible study leaders faithfully serve week after week, pouring into our women, helping them to know the Word. I have learned so much from each of them, and I am so thankful for how they love the women of our church. I have missed them over this holiday break and can't wait to dive back into the Word together for our Proverbs study in January!

Science experiments are fun when they actually work! :)

When you get a large box, and the kids are entertained for days...

Homemade peppermint hot chocolate!

Sweet flowers from Mike's family, sending prayers and love from Texas on Michael's anniversary.

The kids sang in church for Christmas, and it was pretty fun, as always :)

And sometimes math is fun, when you get to play a snowball fight with Daddy!

They're cheap dates: a $1 Sam's pretzel and let them watch the changing LCD menu and they're happy as clams :)

Maddie: Aiden isn't smiling!

Aiden: Pooh is smiling. He's always smiling

Well, as long as Pooh is smiling...

Maddie got to try eggnog, and I think she is a fan...

National Twin Day!

We enjoyed a fun staff Christmas party {thank you, Parkers for hosting!} I know Mike is the one who gets to work with this lovely group, but I am so thankful for each of them, both for him, and for our church. I'm thankful for the friendships I get to enjoy from this staff {and their spouses}, and I am reminded of God's grace to us at CBC.

We took the kids to see their first official movie in a theatre! They LOVED it, and I would say it was a pretty awesome experience :)

When you find a giant Christmas tree, you have to take a photo! ;)

We made some gingerbread right before Christmas! I'm on a quest for the perfect recipe; while these were tasty, I am looking for a chewy recipe and these were crunchy. They were still fun to make!

Cutie Patootie :)

Christmas 2025

For Christmas this year, we were getting ready for Grandma and Papa to come! But before they arrived, we got to enjoy the Christmas Eve service with our church family. Mike preached a wonderful message for all 3 services, we got to sing Christmas carols, Pastor John read a Christmas story to the kids, and we got to close with a beautiful candlelight song. 

I wanted to keep dinner fairly simple since Mike wouldn't be able to join us until much later. But since it was Christmas Eve, I still wanted to make it special for the kids. So I decided to make it an appetizer dinner, and the kids loved it! Maybe we will have to make it a tradition :)

For Christmas morning, I made a French toast bake {because we decided to save cinnamon rolls for our time with Grandma and Papa}, and then we got to open stockings and presents! The rest of the day was spent playing and enjoying our new books, games, and toys.

Eli dreaming up all the LEGO things he is going to build

Maddie working on her diamond art

We were graciously {and generously} gifted an entire LEGO collection, and we filled up bins for the kids...it has been days and days of cool LEGO discoveries!

I am just so thankful for this sweet stage of life, where Christmas morning is still fun and exciting, the kids think matching family pajamas are super fun, and we can just enjoy spending the day together.

It was a sweet day, made even sweeter, because at the end of the day, we packed up and headed to the airport to pick up Grandma and Papa! Which meant we got to extend all of the Christmas fun for the rest of the week :)

Merry Christmas from the McCulloughs!

Back to Stelara

Back in August, I started my battle with insurance over my Crohn's medication. I received approval, and then they went back on their approval, I was forced onto the biosimilar Wezlana, and I have been working through all of the side effects. 

I saw my GI about a week ago, and I was actually ready to work through a transition plan, because it was my last appointment with him. He is leaving the practice at the end of this year, and I wanted to get his thoughts on where I go from here. I can't tell you how devastating this news is; I am beyond grateful for my GI, and I trust him completely. He has fought for me on many occasions, and I was so disappointed when I heard that I would have to find someone new. But I know that the Lord has a plan, and I am praying for the right care as I search for a new GI. 

When I relayed to my {still current} GI the side effects that I have been facing, he was NOT happy. As a last chance effort and parting gift, he wanted to try to appeal the insurance one last time, as he felt I was stable on Stelara and should never have been moved to the biosimilar in the first place. {Again- he's amazing, and I appreciate his care for his patients so much}. I honestly didn't expect much, considering how long our fight took last time and that he was leaving, but I appreciated his zeal, said my goodbyes, and left. 

In less than one week, I received an uncontested approval from the insurance and a dose of the Stelara on my doorstep. Just like that, and I am back to Stelara. I can't tell you how floored I was to hear that they approved it. I didn't believe it at first; I didn't trust it. And then the pharmacy was filling the script, and it arrived on my doorstep. There's still a part of me that is waiting for the insurance to say, "haha, just kidding!" And I guess, technically, they still could. 

But for now, the Lord {unexpectedly} moved mountains for me! I didn't even ask Him to this time. I have refills for the next 9 months, and I am back on Stelara. I am praying that the transition back is smoother than the transition away. And I am praying that the blip in treatment is just that: a blip. That I remain in remission.

In a Moment

Most of us are aware that life can change in a moment. We go about our lives, busy with our day-to-day, and then something happens that forever changes the course of what we knew. We can look back and mark it as the moment that changed everything. 

Some moments are the good kind...

...you have been accepted {into X University}!

...we would like to extend the job offer.

...Will you marry me?

...You're {finally} pregnant!

They are life-altering, and when you look back at those sweet and sometimes long-awaited or long-prayed-for moments, you understand the gift that they are. That your life is as beautiful and amazing as it is because of those moments. You can't imagine your life being any other way without those moments. Those are the moments that make life full of joy and beauty and wonder, and you can't help but praise God for all of the gifts that He has bestowed on you. 

Some moments are the hard kind, but still the ones meant to make us stronger people. Meant to grow our faith and forge our character...

...you will live with this disease for the rest of your life.

...we are going to have to let you go.

...your treatment has been denied.

They can be life-altering too, and you wonder what God is doing. Sometimes you pray, and the Lord is gracious to answer and remove the hardship. But sometimes, His answer is "wait," or even "no," and you are forced to wrestle with His sovereignty. You are reminded of His goodness despite the hardships you face, knowing that He is doing something in your heart to make you more like Him. It's not always easy to endure, and you may often feel weary, but you push on toward the goal of spiritual maturity and the abundant life with Christ. You ask for His power to praise His name through the difficulties, looking in hope to the glory that awaits.

And then. And then there are those moments that knock the breath out of you...

...you have lost the baby.

...they don't think he's going to make it.

...his heart has stopped.

These are the moments when your whole world stops, and you aren't quite sure if you will recover. Because you don't feel strong enough to survive it. You have faced hard things before, but this? This is different... These moments will replay over and over in your mind; they will even show up {uninvited} in your dreams. You will wish with all of your heart that you could just go back to the time before that moment that changed everything. You will plead with God why He had to allow that moment to even happen. Your soul will cry out with a deep ache and longing, and there will often not even be words, because what do you even say in those moments?

Today marks the one year anniversary of saying "see you soon" to my brother. In a moment, everything changed for my family. In a moment, my parents lost their only son, and I became an only child. In a moment, I lost my first friend. As I have been anticipating this anniversary, the moments of that weekend have been replaying in my head again, almost to the intensity that they did in those early days. The texts from my mom. The phone call from my dad. The lonely moments on the plane. The suffocating moments in the hospital. The last moments in the OR. The moments planning the funeral. 

So many moments that will forever be etched on my brain, the kind of moments that should never be. Because it's not supposed to be this way. A parent should never have to bury their child; it's not the natural order of things. I should have my brother by my side for the days ahead. He was too young. Death and darkness were never the way it was supposed to be. 

I have said more than once in this grief journey that I do not understand how people grieve without Jesus; this is hard enough with Him. The gift that I have is that I don't have to grieve alone or without hope. In His loving kindness, God has gently reminded me of some other important moments that changed everything. Moments that make it possible to wake up and face these hard days...

...the light has come into the world.

...it is finished.

...he is not here, for he has risen!

Death and darkness were not the plan. But because of sin, death and darkness are the realities that we face in this world. But God, in His goodness, and from the beginning, set into motion a rescue plan to redeem all of the terrible things. In a moment, light shone in the darkness, Christ was born into a broken and weary world. In a moment, Christ gave His life to pay the penalty of our sin; our debt was paid in full, He died once for all. In a moment, he conquered death and walked out of the tomb, so that we might have life in Him. It's the life that Michael now enjoys. Our hope as followers of Jesus is that one day, all of the wrong things will be made right, and all of the dark things will be made light. And in another moment,

"Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed." - 1 Corinthians 15:51-52 

I grieve, yes. And right now, it's heavy and complicated and exhausting. But I have hope that in a moment, I will be reunited with my brother {and with the babies we lost!} In a moment, all of my tears will be dried, all of my pain will be gone forever. And I, too, will be forever with our Savior, who has so graciously and gently walked beside me in every moment of my life...the good, the hard, and the ones that have knocked the breath out of me.

A precious moment in time

Stelara vs. Wezlana

I have now taken 2 shots of the biosimilar Wezlana. The first month was really rough; my body was definitely adjusting to it. For most of the month, I had an upset stomach and nausea every day, and eating made it worse. The fatigue and muscle/joint pain also returned. 

Thankfully, I haven't seen a huge change in the frequency in my migraines, but when I saw my neurologist last week, she did confirm that it was possible to see an uptick. I have noticed that I have had more nausea with my migraines, which is something that had subsided when I went on my preventive medication {topiramate}. So I am still monitoring those for now, and my neurologist told me to call her if I saw any changes. 

Another strange side effect of Stelara {and now Wezlana} is nose irritation, specifically an increase in mucous {gross? TMI? I know}. I basically wake up every morning having to blow my nose, almost like I have a cold, but I don't. It's weird, and I don't understand it, but it's something that showed up when I started Stelara, and is actually listed on the side effects list for Wezlana. I have definitely noticed an increase in nose irritation after these 2 shots. I don't know what it means, but there you go.

The good news is that the second month has gone a little better, with the upset stomach and nausea easing up quite a bit. Unfortunately, the rest of the side effects have stuck around, but I'll take whatever improvement I can get. I haven't had any Crohn's flares yet, so I am still praying and holding hope that Wezlana will hold my remission. I'll deal with the side effects; I just want to stay in remission. 

The big reason the insurance company denied coverage for my Crohn's medication and forced me over to the biosimilar is cost. And I can't say that I fully blame them. The cost of biologics is criminal. I have shown the cost of my medication before, but to see the comparison is still mind-blowing. Because even on the CHEAPER biologic, it still costs $5,500 a month for my Crohn's medication. $65,000 per year to stay in remission and save my intestines {hopefully}. That's a full-time salary, just for my medication alone!

But that's the new, better price. That's SAVING money. Because Stelara was costing $28,000 a month. $336,000 per year. So yeah, I get how the switch makes business sense. It's just that the patient is caught in the middle, and their health is never actually considered in the decisions. And all the while, stupid amounts of money are being made at our expense. 

And for the record, it only says that I owe $0, because I pay the amount billed within the first couple months of our plan year. I have to be ready to pay my full deductible at the start of the plan year, every year, without exception...because of my Crohn's medication. The Lord has always provided what we have needed, and I am so thankful. But it hurts every year, and I can't help but feel the weight and burden that my health places on my family.

13 years ago I was curled up on the bathroom floor in pain, unable to make it to meet my first GI, heading instead to the ER where I would be diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. 4 biologics, 2 GIs, multiple colonoscopies/endoscopies, countless steroids, 2 remissions later, I still have many of the same symptoms... I am still fighting the same fights. So much feels like insanity: repeating the same thing over and over. But I know more, am stronger in so many ways because I have lived through so much. I'm thankful for the Lord's daily strength, for His faithfulness to me every morning. I trust Him for what lies ahead, and I wake up ready to continue the Crohn's fight.

IBD Looks Like

It's Crohn's & Colitis Awareness Week, and this will be my 13th year to recognize it {my 14th Christmas with Crohn's}. It's wild to think back on those first days of my initial diagnosis and see how far I have come, while also feeling like I am fighting many of the same battles...

This year's theme for Awareness Week is "IBD Looks Like..." Because it doesn't look like just one thing. It's a million little moments, often invisible, that make up a journey of managing this awful and unending disease. While there are certainly struggles and many defeating days, there are also wins and reminders that progress is possible, and I am so grateful for all the grace I have been shown on this journey. 

For me, IBD looks like...

...managing symptoms on a daily basis, whether it's from the disease itself or the side effects from the medications needed to keep the disease at bay. It's settling for the side effects because the disease symptoms are far worse. It's operating at 70% on a "good" day. It's pushing through the pain and discomfort that would bench most people, but you have learned to function in spite of it, because otherwise you would never get out of bed. It's realizing that you are stronger than you think, despite feeling so tired and weak most days, simply because you choose to keep showing up on those hard days.

...always planning around how you feel, having to work around what you eat, how much energy you will expend, where the bathrooms are, etc. It's being hungry, but being too afraid to eat. It's not about your preferences, but about survival for your body and your overall health, because if you don't plan accordingly, it can wreck your whole week {or longer, depending on your choices and the status of your disease}. It's often having to change plans, decline foods, or simply say "no" to the things you love.

...constantly having to advocate for yourself. Whether it's with doctors, insurance companies, or pharmacies, there is always a fight for better care, coverage, or treatment. It's trying to get all of your doctors to talk to one another so you get comprehensive care, and not just a bandaid to treat a symptom. It's spending countless hours on the phone with insurance, fighting to get them to honor coverage for expensive treatments that they don't understand or care to pay for. It's trying to fight for your mental health and keep stress levels minimal through it all. It's hoping that this treatment will be the one that will put you in remission...and that insurance will cover for as long as possible before you have to switch again.

...feeling the defeat of disease, walking the long days of sickness, praying for healing. It's looking "fine," but knowing your body is literally fighting against you. But it's also finally finding a treatment that works, achieving remission, and starting to feel more like yourself again. It's knowing that you will live with this awful disease for the rest of your life, but being thankful for the advances that have already been made in the 13 years since your initial diagnosis. It's feeling the discouragement of chronic disease, but feeling thankful for the support of family, friends and the right medical team. It's knowing that your body is broken, but also being grateful for how the Lord has faithfully walked with you in every aspect of your disease.

...chronic pain. fatigue. inflammation. weight loss. flares. brain fog. joint pain. diarrhea. nausea. hair loss. migraines. doctor appointments. constipation. vitamin deficiencies. colonoscopies. bloodwork. endoscopies. anemia. ulcers. self-injections. insurance denials. a nightstand full of pills/vitamins. knowing where all the bathrooms are wherever you go. loose-fitting clothing to put the least pressure on your gut. having "safe" foods in your bag. living through the flares and fear and fighting through anyway.

Advent 2025

For Advent this year, we will do our Advent Blocks again. The kids still ask for it, so we will keep doing it :) 

For school, we will be walking through The Savior was Born from Driven by Grace. We have been using their curriculum for our Bible time, so we will take a break from our Old Testament study and walk through this Christmas study in December.

For our family advent reading at dinner time, we will use our Advent Wreath. Our church handed out family Advent reading, so we will use that as we light our candles each evening. 

For my own personal study, I will read The Dawning of Indestructible Joy by John Piper. Every year, our Women's Ministry Director gifts the leaders an Advent devotional, and I look forward to seeing what she picks!

As we enter this season, I am trying to ease into it as much as I can. I'm not ready for the onslaught of joy and cheer, and I'm not really sure if I want it. If I had my choice, I would hibernate and spend the next month quietly reading and drinking hot chocolate, not leaving the house unless absolutely necessary. I would prefer to hide away to process my grief in this season, without the expectations of the season, without the endless list of holiday "to-do's." But that's difficult to find the balance with kids and still having to meet the demands of ministry. So I'm doing my best to simplify where I can, and turn my heart in anticipation and hope of our coming Savior.