Our Angel Babies

For the past couple of years, I have taken some time on this day to remember our babies in heaven. It is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, so it's fitting to pause and remember the sweet ones we lost too soon. These sweet babies, lost during pregnancy or soon after birth, are affectionately called "Angel Babies."

A few months ago, I was having a conversation with a couple of women, and the subject of miscarriage came up, as one of the women had recently had one. We talked about how it is more common than most people think, realizing that each of us had experienced this loss. One of the women, knowing our story, turned to me and asked, "you have lost, what? Six?" And I quietly corrected her and said "seven." 

Seven.

We have lost seven babies. I knew how many we had lost, but for some reason, it really hit me in that moment. Actually saying it out loud in conversation just seemed to register an extra twinge of grief in my heart. That was seven babies we had hoped and prayed for and wanted, but never got to meet. Seven little lives that we loved and wanted to parent, but for some reason that only Jesus knows, we had to say goodbye before we even really got to say hello.

Now I understand that many of our losses were very early, and would probably not even be considered actual miscarriages by most people. We lost some of our embryos to the thawing process and some just did not implant {so therefore we didn't actually get pregnant, at least not long enough to register on a beta test}. But since we believe that life begins at conception, we believe each tiny embryo was a unique life. So the loss was just the same for us.

It was comforting for me to name each of the embryos that we lost. We did not have our embryos tested for gender, so the names were chosen for their meaning or significance to us. I think about these little ones often, wondering who they would have been. And I find comfort in knowing that Jesus now holds them in His arms. 

So if you would allow me the space to name each of our sweet angel babies here, I would appreciate it...

Jack. This little one was affectionately named {along with Jill} by one of Mike's mentors who had been relentlessly petitioning the Lord on our behalf. Since we transferred 2 embryos, he had been lovingly referring to the 2 tiny embryos as Jack and Jill. Jack was frozen for 8 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. We did not get the joy of a positive pregnancy test. 

Jill. This little one was affectionately named {along with Jack} by one of Mike's mentors who had been relentlessly petitioning the Lord on our behalf. Since we transferred 2 embryos, he had been lovingly referring to the 2 tiny embryos as Jack and Jill. Jill was frozen for 8 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. We did not get the joy of a positive pregnancy test. 

Amy. Means "dearly loved." Amy was frozen for 8 years, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. Unfortunately this tiny one did not survive the thawing process, and therefore did not make it to transfer day.

Noah. Means "rest or peace." Noah was frozen for 8 years, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. This tiny one held on for an extra day after thawing, but did not quite make it to transfer day.

Annie. Means "blessed with grace." We were indeed blessed with grace of this tiny life, even if it was for a short time. This name is our reminder that we are showered with grace from the Lord, and we will still bless his name, even if there is pain in our offering. Annie was frozen for 8.5 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. This tiny one snuggled in tight to confirm a pregnancy test, but unfortunately I miscarried a short time later.

Hope. Named because of the hope and joy we felt when we found out we were pregnant. This name is our reminder that our felt hope and joy may have been taken in the moment, in the specific circumstance, but that our ultimate hope and joy in Jesus can never be taken. Hope was frozen for 8.5 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. This tiny one snuggled in tight to confirm a pregnancy test, but unfortunately I miscarried a short time later.

Connor. Means "much wanted." This little one WAS much wanted, and would have been a full genetic sibling to Eli, Maddie, and Aiden {part of the second genetic family who donated their embryos to us}. Connor was frozen for 8.5 years before transfer date; unfortunately, we did not get the joy of a positive pregnancy test. 

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"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

~ Psalm 139:16

The Babies Lost Too Soon

We are just a few short weeks away from celebrating Eli and Maddie's first birthday {can you believe it?!?} As my days are now filled with the craziness of chasing these two little ones, it's hard to imagine life without them. They bring so much joy, laughter, and love...things I prayed the Lord would grant, and things that now make me feel as though my heart just might burst from gratitude for the gift they are. 

But I cannot forget the long and hard road that led us to these joy-filled days. It's etched in my heart, and it's part of our story. When we first began our embryo adoption journey, we adopted 6 embryos. We had so much hope for these tiny lives, and {as crazy as it may sound} we were beginning to imagine our lives as a family of 8! Unfortunately, our grief of infertility would only be compounded by the grief of losing our tiny embryos. We lost 2 during the thawing process, 2 after transfer, and 2 to miscarriage. It was hard to imagine why the Lord allowed us to adopt and then never meet our tiny ones, but we were reminded that each life was precious to Him, however short they might have been.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. All of October is dedicated to awareness, first declared so in 1988 by President Ronald Reagan.

When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes. 

Walking the road of infertility, I have met countless women whose hearts have been shattered by loss. The mamas who have miscarried, some multiple times. The mamas who have heard the fateful, "I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat." The mamas who had the difficult task of delivering their babies who had already gone on to the arms of Jesus. The mamas who cared for their sick babies and had to say goodbye too soon. The mamas who had no warning and were met with indescribable grief. The mamas who have buried their children. In this broken world, there is just so much heartache and pain...

There are many ways that families choose to remember and honor these sweet babies throughout the year, but on October 15th, many families light candles at 7pm in their respective time zone in an International Wave of Light. The idea is to have a continuous chain of light spanning the globe for a 24-hour period. It's a simple and sweet way to pause, acknowledge, and remember.

Another way I personally have chosen to remember is to mention our babies names. 

Jack. 

Jill. 

Amy. 

Noah. 

Annie. 

Hope. 

Each a unique, individual life created by God. Each very much wanted, loved, and missed. 

So today we will pause to remember and pray for all of the families who have experienced the loss of their child{ren}. We will say the names of and remember our precious little ones that we carry only in our hearts. These tiny ones were lost too soon, and I can't help but wonder what they each would have looked like, who they might have been. But through the heartache and loss, the struggles {and now the joys} of our journey, we are continually reminded of how the Lord is faithful to hold us in His sovereign hand.

Blessed be His name in the land that is plentiful, where His streams of abundance flow. Blessed be His name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering. Blessed be His name.

Remembering Our Babies in Heaven

"To the grieving parent: On the days when no one but you mentions their name, I am so, so sorry. Say their name bravely. Know that they are still real, they were still here, and you are still theirs."

~ Lexi Behrndt

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Really, all of October is dedicated to awareness, but today is a specific day to remember the little ones that were lost too soon. 

It's hard to reflect on our losses. Our years of infertility and loss are ones that, in many ways, I would rather put behind us. All of the hurt and confusion, pain and frustration are better left in the past, particularly as we begin our much-prayed-for years of parenting. And yet, it's not so easy to forget. I mean, will I ever be able to really forget? As painful as those years have been, they were important years that the Lord used to grow, refine, and comfort us.

And deep down, we don't want to forget, especially not forget the precious lives that the Lord entrusted to us, however short the time was. We didn't get the chance to hold them in our arms, but every life is precious, even in it's tiniest and most vulnerable of stages. And so today, I want to mention the names of the precious ones we lost too soon...

Jack and Jill.

We transferred the first 2 embryos, desperately praying that the Lord would grow and bring them to us to parent. We were told at the time of transfer that they had not done so well in the thawing process, but we were committed to offering them the best chance at life. We moved forward with the transfer and went home to pray for our miracles. When we received the call a couple of weeks later that we were not pregnant, it was such hard news. We had lost our little ones, the tiny embryos that we had seen on the ultrasound screen, moving and growing...alive! And yet they were not strong enough to implant and grow, so instead were born into heaven.

A sweet friend and mentor had been affectionately calling them Jack and Jill as we prepared for our transfer, and so we thought it was fitting to keep their names. 

Amy and Noah.

We never got to even see these tiny embryos like we did the others, because they did not survive the thawing process. Thawing proved to be too much for them, and so they never even made it to a point of transfer. That was a hard loss too. To know that our little ones didn't make it, and were lost in a lab, is hard to think about. But it is comforting to know that they will never know the pains of this world, only ever knowing the face of our beautiful Savior.

Amy means "dearly loved," and Noah means "rest or peace." Both of these tiny ones were loved and wanted, but we are thankful they now find their rest in Jesus.

Annie and Hope.

We transferred our last 2 embryos, and we had better news at the time of transfer. They did better in the thawing process, so we were hopeful we would get to carry these babies. So when we got the phone call that we were pregnant, we were so excited! It was news we had longed to hear, and we had finally received it! Which is why the news that came just a couple of days later was such a devastating blow. Our beta numbers had dropped, indicating that we were losing the pregnancy. We felt so helpless, because there was nothing we could do to save them. I miscarried a short time later. Our babies were there, but then all of sudden they were not. 

Annie means "blessed with grace." We were indeed blessed with the grace of these tiny lives, even if it was only for a short time. This name is our reminder that we are showered with grace from the Lord, and we would still bless His name, even if there was pain in our offering. We chose the name Hope because of the hope and joy we felt when we found out we were pregnant. This name is our reminder that our felt hope and joy may have been taken in the moment, but that our ultimate hope and joy in Jesus can never be taken.

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So today, we remember our precious little ones, the tiny lives that we carry only in our hearts. We may not fully understand why the Lord gave us these babies for only a short time, and why we never got to parent them this side of heaven. But each precious life was a gift, and we want to pause to remember how the Lord used their tiny lives to show us His grace and love.

Embryo Adoption :: Our Journey {2015}

Our journey continued through 2015...

January 6, 2015: We {finally} finished our home study checklist!

January 7, 2015: I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy for the originally diagnosed hydrosalpinx. This surgery showed that there was not hydrosalpinx, but instead endometriosis and an orange-sized ovarian cyst {!} We were nervous about what this meant for our FET {Frozen Embryo Transfer}, but I went home to rest/recover and await the verdict.

January 15, 2015: Skype call with our home evaluation worker.

January 23, 2015: Post-op appointment with my RE, where we received {thankfully} confirmation that we were still good candidates for an FET!

January 31, 2015: Home visit for our home evaluation.

February 11, 2015: Approved for our home study!

February 19, 2015: Matching interview to start the matching phase.

February 24, 2015: We received our first potential match with a donor family {M&A}!

February 25, 2015: Embryology report sent to my RE.

March 2, 2015: We accepted the match with M&A for 6 precious embryos!

March 4, 2015: We entered the contract phase for the embryo adoption.

March 10, 2015: FET protocol consult with my RE.

March 16, 2015: After some negotiation regarding future contact with the donor family, we received the contract.

March 17, 2015: We signed/notarized the contract, and my FET medications arrived in the mail.

Sadly, this is only a fraction of my meds...

March 25, 2015: Mock Embryo Transfer

March 26, 2015: Blood work showed hyperprolactinemia {big fancy word for high prolactin levels}, so I started medication to reduce my prolactin levels leading up to a transfer.

Such a tiny dose. I will take 1/2 a pill twice a week until we get a positive HPT.

April 3, 2015: The signed contract from the donor family came in...the 6 precious embryos are legally ours! {Good Friday}.

April 6, 2015: Shipping coordination began {donor family blood work recommended by the FDA + clinic release form}.

May 7, 2015: After a lot of difficulty and frustration, our donor family finally found a clinic that would do their blood draw.

May 10, 2015: A Different Kind of Mom {Mother's Day}

May 11, 2015: Because our embryos still have not shipped, I started taking birth control pills to help ward off endometriosis and prepare for our transfer cycle. {Anyone notice the irony of taking a birth control pill in an effort to get pregnant??}

May 13, 2015: Donor family went in for their blood draw...now we just wait for the blood test results to come back from the lab.

May 22, 2015: After a slight issue with the testing kit, the results came back clear. Now we just wait for the donor family to sign/notarize the clinic release form.

June 3, 2015: The donor family signed/notarized and mailed the clinic release form. Now we just wait for it to arrive so we can ship!

June 9, 2015: I had my second hysteroscopy to make sure that my endometriosis had not returned.

June 12, 2015: All paperwork is in!! Nightlight is finalizing shipping details, so our babies should ship first thing next week!!

June 16, 2015: Our embryos shipped today- our babies are {finally} on their way!! Hallelujah, praise Jesus! It has been a LONG 10 weeks...

June 17, 2015: Our embryos arrived safely at our clinic!!  

June 20, 2015: Officially started transfer cycle.

July 2, 2015: Lining check sonogram...lining is 7mm, so we scheduled our transfer. I also started the dreaded Progesterone in Oil {PIO} shots.

One of these suckers in the rear every day for 12-14 weeks; and don't be fooled- that is most definitely thick, slow-injecting oil in that syringe...

July 10, 2015: Transfer Day!

July 20, 2015: Negative Pregnancy Test- transfer 1 failed. Jack & Jill.

July 21, 2015: Follow up appointment to determine next steps after failed FET.

July 23, 2015: I Stand for Life

July 24, 2015: Started transfer cycle #2.

August 7, 2015: Lining check #2.

August 13, 2015: Started PIO again {we had to push our transfer back several days in order to accommodate the embryology schedule}.

August 17, 2015: Thaw Day.

August 19, 2015: Transfer Day #2!.

August 20, 2015: Amy and Noah.

August 31, 2015: Blood Pregnancy Test- we are pregnant!!!

September 2, 2015: Beta #2- we are losing our babies...

September 7, 2015: I miscarried...

September 9, 2015: Beta #3, confirmation that we are no longer pregnant; Annie and Hope.

September 10, 2015: Post transfer and miscarriage follow-up appointment; started taking BCP again for endometriosis management.

September 14, 2015: Blood work to determine if there are any underlying autoimmune issues that could have caused my miscarriage.

September 15, 2015: A letter to our precious genetic family, M&A.

September 16, 2015: Miscarriage after Infertility, Hope after Loss.

September 17, 2015: Received test results back from autoimmune testing- everything is normal. Praise God!

September 18, 2015: Began the process of updating our file and home study with Nightlight so we could move forward with rematching.

October 13, 2015: Home visit #2.

October 15, 2015: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day + 6 Babies.

October 20, 2015: Re-approved for our home study; officially entered into the re-matching process.

October 24, 2015: The Announcement That Didn't Happen...

November 4, 2015: We received a potential match with another donor family {I&A}; embryology report sent to RE.

November 8, 2015: When the Tears Come.

November 13, 2015: Consultation with RE about embryology report; we needed to clarify details on the report, so we scheduled yet another follow up.

November 17, 2015: Trusting our RE's opinion and after much prayer, we made the decision to decline the match with I&A. We now wait for another one.

December 3, 2015: We received a potential match with another donor family {J&J}; embryology report sent to RE. I also attended my first Shiloh coffee.

December 10, 2015: We accepted the match with our second family for 4 precious embryos!

December 11, 2015: We entered the contract phase for our second embryo adoption.

December 18, 2015: After approving the contract terms for future contact with our donor family, we received the embryo adoption agreement! Nightlight closes at the end of the year, so we will have to wait until January for any further progress.  My Christmas Wish List.

December 20, 2015: We signed and notarized the contracts, as well as the FET protocol paperwork. Now we wait for Nightlight to re-open in January to schedule shipping!

We have sent a lot of envelopes/packages to California this year!

December 25, 2015: Christmas was difficult this year with the loss of our babies. But I love the snowflake ornaments that we got for each of them, to represent the tiny lives that the Lord gave to us, if even for a short time.

December 30, 2015: The best is yet to come.

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We closed 2015 grieving the loss of our first 6 babies, but hopeful for the life to come with our 4 new babies!

A Letter to Our {1st} Precious Genetic Family

This was by far one of the most difficult letters I had to write. How do you share so much loss to the family who entrusted you with their tiny ones? The words came from the Lord, and I prayed {and still pray} that our precious genetic family would find comfort and closure in knowing their embryos were no longer frozen. While it wasn't the outcome any of us wanted, I am incredibly thankful for their gift and for the grace and comfort they offered us.

{Up to this point, our communication with our genetic family had been fairly limited. We were just at the outset of our journey, so we hadn't had the chance to build a deep relationship yet. It's why the letter may seem a little direct in some places, as we were advised by our agency to communicate that way. Despite our short relationship, we will forever be connected with this precious family}.

Dear M&A,

It is with heavy hearts that we send this email. We had let you know about the first failed transfer, but were excited and ready for the next one. We lost 2 embryos to the thawing process, but were able to transfer the remaining 2. We received good news at our pregnancy test, and we were ecstatic! At least one of the embryos had implanted, but unfortunately did not grow. A short time later we miscarried. We are beyond devastated, but we are trying to trust the Lord in the midst of our heartache.

We are so sad to share this news with you; we want to express our grief and sadness for your loss as well. We wanted so much to not only build our family, but also to share the lives of these precious ones with your sweet family. While we did not meet with "success," we are still forever grateful to you for your precious gift. While Erin only carried these little ones for a short time, you allowed her the opportunity to become a mother, and we will never be able to adequately express our gratitude for that.

We wanted to share with you the names we gave to each embryo. We believe wholeheartedly that each one was a unique life, valued and wanted and loved.

2 from our first transfer:

• Jack and Jill- a sweet mentor and friend affectionately named them; he has prayed for us, your family, and our babies, and we thought these sweet names were a precious way to honor their little lives

2 we lost in the thawing process:

• Amy- means "dearly loved"
• Noah- means "rest or peace"

Both of these tiny ones were incredibly loved and wanted, and we are thankful they now find rest with Jesus. They will never know the pains of this world, but instead will only ever know the face of our beautiful Savior.

2 from our second transfer:

• Annie- means "blessed with grace"- we were indeed blessed with the grace of this tiny life, even if it was only for a short time. This name is our reminder that we are showered with grace from the Lord, and we still will bless His name, even if there is pain in our offering.
• Hope- chosen because of the hope and joy we felt when we found out we were pregnant. This name is our reminder that our felt hope and joy may have been taken in this moment, in this circumstance, but that our ultimate hope and joy in Jesus can never be taken

We find comfort in knowing that these precious ones are no longer frozen and are now in the presence of their Creator. Thank you for all of your prayers and encouragement in this process, and most importantly for your precious gift. We pray blessings and grace over your sweet family; please know that you will always have a family in Dallas praying for yours.

Mike & Erin

Embryo Adoption :: Blood Testing

This last step of the embryo adoption process has been really hard. The shipping coordination is usually a seamless and quick process; but for us, it has been excruciatingly long. 

Most clinics require blood testing of the genetic parents to test for infectious diseases before they will accept embryos into their clinic. The blood testing is usually something that is done before contracts are even signed, but we didn't learn until after our contracts were signed that it was still a missing piece of the process. Unfortunately, our poor donor family had a hard time finding a clinic that would do the blood draw, and it took 6 weeks before we could work through the logistics to get that done. 

After many phone calls, emails, tears, and firm conversations, we received word today that the blood draw was done and sent to the lab for testing. So now we just wait for the results. Once the results come in, they can finally ship our embryos to our clinic!

We have had a wonderful experience with Nightlight up until this point, and we were so disappointed with this last leg of the journey to get our embryos to us. Unfortunately, we got caught in the middle of the perfect storm of staff turnover, policy changes, and some bad luck with where our donor family lives. We struggled with some communication issues, and had to lean on some other individuals in the agency to get the process moving. We do believe that they are working through these issues to prevent this from happening to other families in the future, but it was frustrating to be caught in the middle as one of the families {if not the only family} that had to deal with this delay.

All that to say, we are incredibly relieved to finally be one step closer to shipment. We will still need the donor family to sign a release form to give their clinic permission to release the embryos to our clinic {the last step}. We are so ready for our embryos to be safe in our clinic! One thing's for sure: nobody can accuse us of not fighting for our babies :)