The Beauty of a Snowflake

Our agency asked if we would be willing to share our embryo adoption story with prospective families. We love getting to share about the amazing way the Lord formed our family, so we were more than willing to share!

They have posted our story on their website, and I also wanted to provide that here. We hope that our story can help encourage others as they pursue God's plan for their family. And ultimately, we want others to know how great our gracious God is. 

“To appreciate the beauty of a snowflake, it is necessary to stand out in the cold.”

– Anonymous

The day we were diagnosed with infertility (and given very few fertility options) was such a dark day for us. In an instant, our dreams of becoming parents to genetic children vanished, and we felt so overwhelmed with that loss. While we were heartbroken and frustrated that we were given so few options, we see now how God was preparing our hearts for the family He had always intended for us.

Early in our research, we had come across the beautiful option of embryo adoption. The fact that you could carry and give birth to your adopted child seemed like such an amazing thing! So when we were faced with the reality that we would not have our own genetic children, we knew that embryo adoption was something we wanted to pursue.

We didn’t really know where to start in the process, so we knew we would need some guidance. We chose the Snowflakes Embryo Adoption Program, because they pioneered the process, and we wanted to partner with an agency that would uphold a high value on life. We are so grateful for our relationship with them. In each step of the process, we felt confirmation about our decision to pursue embryo adoption.

While we knew this was the path to a family we wanted to pursue, it was not without its own set of heartaches and struggles. We initially matched with a sweet donor family in our home state. We gave all the adopted embryos a chance at life, but unfortunately, we did not have a successful pregnancy. We were once again left heartbroken and frustrated, wondering if we would ever have children.

Nightlight was kind and gracious through the whole process. We did decide to rematch with another family, and soon we adopted more embryos. We welcomed our first 2 snowflake babies in November of 2016, boy/girl twins! They are our rainbow babies, the beauty of God’s faithfulness after the storm.

We transferred another embryo in November 2017, but unfortunately, we had to say goodbye to that sweet little one. We tried again with our last embryo, and we welcomed our third snowflake baby in August of 2018! He is such a blessing and joy to us, and we love the fact that all 3 of our snowflake babies are full genetic siblings.

We will forever be thankful for embryo adoption because through it, we got to experience pregnancy and become parents. There will never be enough words of gratitude to express to the donor families for the gifts they provided to us by making the decision to donate their embryos and entrust us with their care. It is incredible to me how God was preparing our family, even way back in 2007 (when our first embryos were frozen), and then again in 2009 (when our second set of embryos was frozen). How He led my husband and me to each other, walked with us in our road of infertility, and led us to pursue embryo adoption. He allowed us to skip all other fertility options so that we would discover and then choose this unique path to growing our family. I believe this is part of the reason we had to walk the road of infertility- because God always intended us to be the parents of these precious little ones. We had to stand out in the cold for a bit so we could stand back now and be amazed at the beauty of the family God created for us.

What is a Rainbow Baby?

So I have talked about our babies being Snowflake Babies. But they also happen to be Rainbow Babies. A Rainbow Baby is one that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. 

I just love the imagery behind this term. When a beautiful and bright rainbow appears after a storm, it gives hope of things getting better. We appreciate rainbows more after experiencing the storm in comparison. Even as I think about the story of Noah, and God's gift of the rainbow, I am reminded that a rainbow is a promise of sunshine after the rain, of calm after storms, of joy after sadness, of love after loss. After experiencing the heartbreak of losing a child, the beauty of new life is such an incredible blessing, absolutely a rainbow after the storm.

People think that once your Rainbow Baby {or Babies} arrives you are somehow all better after your loss{es}. There is an assumption that you finally got the baby you wanted, as if your Rainbow Baby is somehow a replacement for the one who is gone. While there is an incredible joy that helps in the process of healing your broken heart, there will always be an empty space in your heart for the one{s} you lost. Your heart will always wonder who they would have been, what they would have looked like {in the case of miscarriage}, how they would have fit into your family. 

So while a Rainbow Baby is not a replacement, he or she is still an incredible reminder of God's faithfulness. While we may never understand why we had to lose 6 babies before we were able to hold our 2 Rainbow Babies, we know that God is good. After experiencing so much heartache and pain through infertility and loss, we rejoice in the beauty of God's rainbows.

High Five for Friday!

{one} I am really excited to be a part of the launch team for Christine Hoover's new book Messy Beautiful Friendship! I have been a part of her launch teams in the past {here and here}, and so I was really happy when I got the email that I was chosen again for this one! She is full of so much wisdom, and I am looking forward to reading her thoughts on both the messiness and beauty of friendship.

{two} Finding ways to spend intentional time with the Lord has been a bit of a challenge. The first couple of months when the babies arrived, it was nearly impossible to find time for anything except for feeding babies and catching sleep when I could. I remember praying repeatedly, "Lord, you know I love you. Please forgive me, but I am going to sleep right now." {which, by the way, I do believe sleep can be the most honoring thing to the Lord at times}. Anyway, everything was such a blur as we learned to navigate life with 2 newborns, and I am just thankful for grace in those crazy seasons. But now that the babies are actually sleeping at night and seem to have a little bit more of a schedule, I am settling into a new routine in the mornings. I have been listening to the Bible {I am reading chronologically this year} while I feed babies breakfast, but now I spend a little more intentional time when they go down for their morning nap. And my soul is just soaking up every bit of the Word that I can. 

{three} I am absolutely LOVING my new RIVI vintage inspired felt letter board! I used some of the birthday money I was given to get it, and I am so glad I did. It's just a fun way to be creative, and it's also getting me to practice my photography skills {which still leave a lot to be desired ha!} I definitely look forward to using it to display some fun quotes :)

{four} Speaking of being creative...my creative juices have been flowing, and I have been looking for a fun new project {because I have SO much time on my hands these days. right.} Anyway, I have been doodling here and there and wanting to practice my hand lettering a bit more. So I decided to take some online classes, practice a little each day, and follow some monthly prompts. And I am enjoying it so much! Once I get in some more practice, I might post some of my work. But either way, I think I may have found my newest creative outlet...

{five} So I have really been enjoying listening to podcasts. The babies and I listen to episodes during feeding times, and it's a nice way to redeem some of that time, since I feel like that's ALL I do {feed babies}, all day long. There are 2 in particular that I have been working my way through:

• The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey: I am SUPER late to the party on this one, but I have been enjoying it so much! It's light and fun, and I have learned so much about varying ministries. I now also have an even longer list of books to read :)  I started at the beginning {from 2-3 years ago} and have been making my way through each of her guests.
• Undisclosed: I really enjoyed the Serial podcast, and season 1 of Undisclosed is a spin-off {of sorts} of that. This podcast is definitely more serious, but I am fascinated by the whole true crime, pick apart the case thing. It is definitely more biased than Serial {which they admit}, but it has been interesting to see their perspective on the case. 

Happy Friday! We're looking forward to Grandma coming in this weekend for her spring break!

What is a Snowflake Baby?

Before I dive into my post, I just want to say that this is going to be about Embryo Adoption, which uses the term "Snowflake Children." This post is NOT about Generation Snowflake, which is a newer term used to describe the over-protected, entitled generation of young adults of the 2010s. I absolutely hate that this term is now being used in a derogatory way, because I love how it was first coined for Embryo Adoption. I get the negative connotation; I just hate that the term itself is being ruined. So when I refer to my Snowflake Babies, please know that I'm not raising my kids to have a self-inflated view of themselves...they were just frozen for a bit :)

That being said...

I just love this quote...and I feel like it perfectly describes our infertility {standing out in the cold} and embryo adoption {snowflakes} journey :)

When we started pursuing Embryo Adoption, and I started seeing the term "snowflake baby," I absolutely loved the affectionate term. In the EA world, the term "snowflakes" is used to describe the sweet babies who were once frozen through IVF. They are affectionately called this because, just like actual snowflakes, they are frozen, unique, and a beautiful gift from heaven. Our agency is the one who coined the term Snowflakes, which is why they call their program Snowflakes Embryo Adoption. 

Obviously, we are huge fans of Embryo Adoption. It has been such an incredible gift to our family, and it has been an amazing way to see the beauty and handiwork of God. We look forward to sharing with Eli and Maddie how the Lord brought them into our family, and we hope they will always understand how much they were loved and wanted and prayed for. And we hope that it is a tangible way for them to understand their invitation to adoption into God's family through faith. 

I came across this "make your own snowflake" generator, and so I just HAD to make one for our snowflakes :) {it basically takes your name and creates a snowflake unique to you}.

Elijah Winn

Madeline Grace

We love our snowflake babies, and we pray we get to meet our remaining two this side of heaven! :)

When God Gives You a "No"

 

I came across this quote yesterday, and I really felt like it was fitting for where we are right now. This summer has been really busy and somewhat difficult in a number of ways. Don't get me wrong; we have seen a lot of encouraging things through our church plant. We have seen a lot of spiritual growth in individual members, and we are excited about the months ahead as we settle back into our normal rhythms for the fall and gear up for a possible launch in the winter. And God has been faithful {as He always is} to provide for us.

 

But it feels like we have been in a season of hearing "no" which has really started to wear on both of us. Whether it was not the answers we wanted to hear about insurance/medication cost, Mike's job not yielding the results that we feel match his efforts, or me battling sickness off and on that has resulted in more "not well" days than "well" ones...it has just been a difficult few months on a personal level.

 

We were talking this week about how we know the right things to say to ourselves: God works all things out for our good. He has a better plan for us than we have for ourselves. He will provide. He just wants our faithful obedience. But in seasons like these, it is really hard to believe those things to be true. We know they are, but for some reason the encouragement that comes from those truths takes a little longer to fill and nourish our souls.

 

Through the frustration and the disappointment, Mike has really led us well in still giving praise to Jesus for who He is and how He takes care of us. We may not understand the how or why behind the "no's" but it's important for us to continue reminding ourselves of the above truths. Just because they are harder to see/believe in the midst of our circumstances doesn't make them any less true. God is still good.

 

Today, I take comfort in the above quote. I say "thank you, Jesus" for knowing what's best for us and protecting us from less than that.

 

Happy Father's Day!

Earlier this week, I came across this quote from Mark Driscoll:

 

 

It reminded me of how thankful I am to have grown up in a house with a dad who valued the study of God's Word. I definitely get that discipline from my dad. Mike and I often share my parents' story of how they found Jesus through reading the Bible; we use it to encourage people of the importance of the Word- because we personally know people who's lives were changed by it!

 

Me and my dad on my wedding day ~ 2011

 

We didn't get to see my dad on Father's Day this year, but we did get to Skype {love technology!}

 

My dad is truly an example of steadfast faith and devotion to the God we serve. He is the humble and gracious picture of my Heavenly Father. My dad has taught me how to work hard, but to work as though working for the Lord. He has taught me the meaning of generosity and sacrifice. I know he loves me unconditionally, and he has shown me what a man of God should look like.

 

Dad, I love you very much, and I am so thankful for you! Happy Father's Day to the best dad in the world :)



A Thought for Thursday

I read this book {Crazy Love} a few years ago, and I would highly recommend it if you haven't had a chance to read it. It really challenged me to take an inventory of my heart and examine how I live my life for Jesus.

I came across this quote from the book the other day, and I was reminded of how our lives really shouldn't make sense to an unbelieving world. If I truly grasped the depth of God's love for me- His radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love- then that should change everything. The way I live, love, and serve. The choices I make. How I spend my time, money, and energy.

It makes me stop and think...do I look more like Jesus or more like the world? Does my life look crazy, different, and even strange at times to unbelievers? Not just for the sake of being different, but because I choose to live by a different set of rules, for a higher purpose, and more specifically, a higher Person. Or do I look pretty much the same?

The Glory of My God

I was in Seattle last week for work and was able to sneak away for a few minutes to walk along the waterfront. I have been here before, but every time I stand on the pier and look out across the Puget Sound, I am amazed at just how absolutely beautiful it is. 

I love the feeling of standing at the edge of beauty, be it the ocean shore, the base of a mountain, or even the grandeur of a sunset...you know, the overwhelming realization of how insignificant you really are. It's certainly humbling, slightly terrifying, and yet altogether peaceful. Because I know Who is truly significant. And I am reminded of how great my God is and how utterly lost I am without Him. 

When I get to enjoy the rare moments of seeing how the heavens declare His glory and how His creation proclaims without question His handiwork, I cannot help but worship my God. And I am so thankful for the reminders He gives through His creation.

"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork."

~ Psalm 19:1

"Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O LORD, and you are exalted as head above all."

~ 1 Chronicles 29:11

Fa La La La Friday

Happy Friday everyone! I am so thankful that the week is wrapping up and that the weekend is almost here! I have realized in the last few months that I have really come to cherish my weekends. I tend to wake up in a better mood on Fridays, just knowing the weekend is coming :)

Can I just say that I am SO excited that December is here! I think that (aside from the cold weather) this is my favorite time of year. I love Christmas and all of the decorations, music, lights, and activities that come with it. I definitely feel like the things that I enjoy about this time of year are a sweet blessing from the Lord. I am so thankful for the time with friends and family and for the opportunity to enjoy the holiday festivities.

As much as I love the holiday festivities, I don't want all of the glitter and rush of the holidays to distract me from bringing honor and glory to our King. I was reading through Isaiah this morning, and this passage just makes me excited to celebrate the birth of our Savior:

"There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse, and a branch from his roots shall bear fruit. And the Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD. And his delight shall be in the fear of the LORD. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide disputes by what his ears hear, but with righteousness he shall judge the poor, and decide with equity for the meek of the earth; and he shall strike the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall kill the wicked. Righteousness shall be the belt of his waist, and faithfulness the belt of his loins. The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them. The cow and the bear shall graze; their young shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox. The nursing child shall play over the hole of the cobra, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder’s den. They shall not hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain; for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the LORD as the waters cover the sea. In that day the root of Jesse, who shall stand as a signal for the peoples—of him shall the nations inquire, and his resting place shall be glorious."

~ Isaiah 11:1-10 ~

Happy Friday!

Point to Ponder

My mom forwarded me one of those "make you think" emails this morning, and I was struck by a statement at the end of the email:

"Too many Christians are no longer

fishers of men

but keepers of the aquarium."

When I first read it, I thought, "Aww that's cute. What a creative little play on words." But then I really thought about it and realized how much (sad) truth is in that statement. I'm pretty sure Jesus intended His followers to be the former, not the latter.

"And he said to them, 'Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.'"- Matthew 4:19

There is no extra statement that says "but some of you will be keepers of the aquarium instead." I don't mean to make light of the Word; it's just funny how we think sometimes. And it's disheartening how we live, even in light of what the Word says. Talk about convicting! So the point to ponder...am I living as a fisher of men or a keeper of the aquarium?

A (Broken and Contrite) Heart of Worship

This morning at the Gathering, we spent time in song and prayer through one of my favorite models/methods of coming before the Lord: A.C.T.S.

Adoration
Confession
Thanksgiving
Supplication

We read through verses and sang songs that pertained to each section, and it was such a sweet time of intimate worship with my Savior. I am so grateful for the humble leaders who desire for us to have a true heart of worship. So many times we as believers rush into a worship song, say a prayer, and get started with the message, forgetting the state of our hearts and the fact that we are entering into the presence of a HOLY God. Even in my study of Isaiah this week, we are reading about meaningless offerings that the Lord detests. It breaks my heart to think that I too often bring empty words to my Lord...He is worthy of so much more!

We tell ourselves and others that the Lord hears our prayers (which He does), but we must not forget that God desires a broken and contrite heart. And the reality is that God doesn't hear all of our prayers....

"When you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide my eyes from you; even if you offer many prayers, I will not listen." ~ Isaiah 1:15

Israel had been worshipping with meaningless words and empty hearts, and the Lord refused to listen to their prayers. They had not repented of the sin in their lives and He hid His eyes from them. It really makes me stop and examine my own heart when I approach God in worship/prayer. Is my heart pure enough to approach the God of the universe? Please understand that I realize I am washed in the blood of the Lamb, and am therefore pure before God; it's the only way I have any opportunity to approach the throne of God. But my sin still mars my communication with the Lord. If my heart is not right before the Lord, my songs and prayers are meaningless. I love Psalm 51- we read it this morning and I have been meditating on it today...

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love, according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.  For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jersualem; then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar." 

Moment by Moment Obedience

A sweet friend from our 20s group emailed me some encouraging words from a devotional she had read. She was reading from one of my favorites My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. Here is an excerpt from what she shared with me:

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see “Him walking on the sea” with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see “Him walking on the sea” ( Mark 6:49 ). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

I am hardly in the midst of turmoil right now, but I have struggled a bit in recent months about my job and figuring out what I am doing, what my next steps are, what my purpose is in the midst of it all, etc. Her email was such an encouragement and a good reminder of waiting on the Lord, committing my plans to Him, and just living in moment by moment obedience...for a personality that is a compulsive planner at heart, this is so difficult sometimes. I get so focused on the future and what I am supposed to do next, that I too easily forget about where He has placed me right now. I want very much to serve and glorify Christ no matter where He places me- even if it seems like a strange place to be, even if I cannot see or understand fully the purpose. I want my life to be characterized by moment by moment obedience...

Craziness, Confessions, and Comfort...

Sorry I have been gone for so long...and this is just a quick post to say that things are super crazy and it may be another week or two before I write a real post. I am feeling slightly overwhelmed right now, and just don't have much time to breathe. But I wanted to take a few minutes to offer a confession and some encouraging verses God has given me in recent days...because how real/transparent is it to only write about the good things? :)

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the schedule; it's better to be busy than have nothing to do, right? Everyone faces quarterly workloads and deadlines. And I knew this semester was going to be crazy because I am still finishing out old commitments while taking on new ones. God is doing good things, it's just a season where I am running at full speed. So now for my confession- haha. Yesterday I let my flesh overrule and let the stress and frustrations of the day get ahold of me :( Ever had one of those days when the frustrations just don't seem to end? When you don't get a single thing done on your to-do list, not because you were lazy, but because other people kept you in meetings all day just to give you more things to add to your to-do list? When that co-worker just can't seem to be nice to you and chooses to be rude when you just want to say hello? So when she is rude again, you act like a child and stomp away? When you get your electricity bill and realize that it skyrocketed again for the second month in a row, spend 15 minutes waiting to talk to someone at the electricity company, only to find out that you have to check the meter yourself, which just happens to be located behind prickly bushes and are completely indecipherable? And you take out your frustration on the poor service representative on the phone...when you know you are being a bad witness, but just want someone to know how upset you are? When your sandpaper people choose to be extra annoying on your already bad day? And you give them an "eat dirt and die" look instead of loving them like you are supposed to? When you call your mom to vent and complain for an hour instead of asking her how her day was? When your sweet girls are disappointed with you because you just didn't have time to have an hour conversation with each of them that week? And you can't even apologize because you are so self-focused that you feel they are asking too much of you anyway? When you have had not nice thoughts run through your head all day long and you just can't seem to stop them? When you love your dog, but realize she has eaten all of your good black socks that you need for work? When, at the end of the day, you realize that you were such a miserable representation of Christ that all you can do is cry? Ever had one of those days?

In one word, yesterday = FAIL. Instead of acting in the Spirit, I acted in the flesh. I let my frustrations dictate my actions, and I couldn't be more disappointed with myself. Needless to say, I had a lot of confessing to do last night. Sigh. I am so thankful for a God who is patient and forgiving, who picks me up when I have fallen, and who continues to encourage and love me despite how ridiculous I can be. Today is a new day, and I can choose to walk in the power of the Spirit.

"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." - Psalm 86:15

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” - Isaiah 43:1-3

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness!" - Lamentations 3:22-23

Crazy Love

Our girls' Bible study took a break from studying the book of John and decided to read Crazy Love by Francis Chan over the Christmas break. I was excited to read it because so many people have talked about it, and I had the opportunity to hear Francis Chan speak at the Fusion conference I went to in November. I just finished reading it, and I highly recommend it! It is an in-your-face, no glossing over look at what it means to be in a passionate love relationship with the God of the universe. "The fact that the Creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor...loves me with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love" should change everything.

This book really challenged me to take an inventory of my heart and examine how I live my life for Him. I want to truly grasp the depth of God's love; and more importantly, I want to live my life in a way that looks crazy to the world in how I love the God who loves me. 

O God, I have tasted Your goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, I want to want You; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Your glory, so that I may know You indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow You up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. (A.W. Tozer from The Pursuit of God)

Jesus, I need to give myself up. I am not strong enough to love you and walk with you on my own. I can't do it, and I need you. I need you deeply and desperately. I believe you are worth it, that you are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want you. And when I don't, I want to want you. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have your way with me.

So here's to a year of CRAZY LOVE...

Hmmmm.....

My grandpa sent me an email today that had this cartoon in it. It really made me think.


How much truth is in this one little cartoon? I really had to step back and reflect on this idea. So I went to the Scriptures to remind myself of what God says:

"Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the Lord your God which He has given you." ~ Deuteronomy 16:17

"Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to." ~ Deuteronomy 15:10

"Honor the Lord with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine." ~ Proverbs 3:9-10

"Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and gives strength to all." ~ 1 Chronicles 29:10-12
Why is it that we seem to struggle with giving God 10%, but don't think twice about dropping an extra 15% at a meal? Hmmmm.....

Hiding God's Word in My Heart

While I am on break from BSF for the summer, I have been attending the girl's Bible study with my 20s group. It has been such a blessing to get into the Word with this amazing group of girls. Starting next week, we are starting a new series in the gospel of John. Go figure! That's what we are studying in BSF starting in September! So this will be a great way for me to get a head start on my reading/studying.

One of the things I am excited about is our group's commitment to scripture memory. I have to admit that is something I struggle with. I, sadly, have not made it a priority since I was in middle school, when we were required to memorize a verse a week for Bible class. I read my Bible, but I have been convicted lately on the fact that I don't actually take the time to commit verses to memory. We are so spoiled in America; Bibles are readily accessible. If you are like me, you have several Bibles...and several different versions, too. And yet, I can probably count on one hand the number of verses/passages that I can recite from memory. Maybe. How sad is that?

I can't even give a good excuse for why scripture memory is not included in my spiritual disciplines. I don't have time? Umm...no, if I have time to scrapbook or watch a TV show, then I have time to memorize a verse. I have to study/memorize too much for work? Well, then my brain should be exercised and ready for memorization. It takes too much effort? It doesn't take any effort at all to memorize a song. And really? How bad does it sound to say that it takes too much effort to hide God's Word in my heart?

This verse is so key: "How can a young woman keep her way pure? By living according to your Word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Praise be to you, O Lord; teach me your decrees. With my lips I recount all the laws that come from your mouth. I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches. I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways. I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word." ~ Psalm 119:9-16

If I am serious about drawing closer to the heart of God, I have to start with His Word. I have to commit to hiding His Word in my heart, so that I can keep my way pure, that I might not sin against my God. So this week, we are focusing on memorizing Philippians 2:12-18. To provide some accountability, the rule is: if you don't memorize the passage, you have to SING it the next week to the group. Haha. That's good motivation to get started!

Therfore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed- not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence- continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life- in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

In Awe of His Majesty

This past Monday, I had a meeting in San Antonio. It worked out in my favor to take a flight a couple of days early and spend some time at home. The timing was perfect, because I was able to spend Mother's Day with my precious mom! We had a wonderful weekend together, shopping, talking, and generally just hanging out. I love my mom and enjoy every moment I have to spend with her. I still call her every day to tell her about what is going on in my life and to catch up on what is going on at home. But nothing compares to a mom hug :) I was so grateful that God worked out the details for me to spend a couple of days at home before my meeting.

On my flight to San Antonio, the plane was relatively empty, and I actually had a row all to myself. This might sound very strange, but I am going to say it anyway: whenever I am on a plane, I somehow feel closer to God. Haha- no, it's not because I am several thousand feet in the air, and in some people's view closer to heaven and thus God. What I mean is that I feel at peace. And I feel in awe of my awesome God. When I look out of the window of an airplane, and I am looking down at the clouds, I can't help but be filled with wonder and gratitude. Wonder at the majesty and beauty of God, gratitude for the relationship I have with such an awesome God. Does anyone else feel that way? I feel it when I am in the mountains; I feel it when I am standing at the edge of the ocean or when I watch a sunrise in the still and quiet of the morning. When you have the opportunity to get away from the craziness of life, away from the cities and the cars and the people and the noise...and it's just you in the middle of God's beauty and creation, God is faithful to envelop you with his presence.

A few weeks ago, I was in the woods of east Texas at a women's retreat. I got up early to watch the sunrise and spend time with God by the lake. And a few days ago, I was on a plane, just staring out of a window. But I love those times I get to spend with God. I am a city girl, through and through, but I envy people who live away from the noise. Away from the distractions that vie for our attention and draw us away from that peace and silence. It's so much easier to hear the gentle whisper of the Savior when you are truly able to "be still and know that He is God." (paraphrase of Psalm 46:10) I realized I don't spend enough time "away," and I want to change that. With that said, I want to leave you with this psalm of David:

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world. In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun, which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion, like a champion rejoicing to run his course. It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is hidden from its heat. The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes. The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward. Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

~ Psalm 19 ~

Good Friday

"As the echo

of the crunching of the fruit

was still sounding in the garden,

Jesus was leaving

for Calvary..."

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~ Max Lucado, Everyday Blessings

Everything is Going to be OK...Right?

So a friend shared this quote with me and I felt like it really spoke to me...

 

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads.  Afraid. Confused.  Without a roadmap.  The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days.  Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.  But once in a while people push on to something better.  Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone.  And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in.  Or to give someone a second chance.  Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream.  Because it's only when you're tested, that you truly discover who you are.  And it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you can be.  The person you want to be does exist.  Somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief... and beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead."

 

I would say I am definitely at a crossroads. I feel mine might be more intense...like I am afraid and confused, don't have a roadmap, am in the middle of nowhere blindfolded, with my hands and feet tied behind my back. Oh yeah, and I can't find my socks...(haha- inside joke with my mom.) Ok, so this might be an exaggeration, but I think you get the point. I feel as though I have tried to do the noble thing and push on to something better for a really long time. I feel as though I have been taking the longest test of my life. I am waiting for that "other side." When does the hard work and faith and belief pay off? When do I get to be beyond the heartache and the fear? I know it's there...and this quote reminded me of that. It's somewhere...I am just hoping and praying that it is this side of eternity...

 

A sweet friend asked me what she could be praying for (in reference to my last entry). The only answer I can give is that I am just feeling everything that my last entry described. I feel as though there was no break between last semester (which was the one from hell), and this one and that I have nothing left to give. I am struggling in my classes...I have literally come to hate school. I am even getting to the point where I don't care anymore. And that is frustrating because that is not like me. But I am struggling to find value in the classes I am in. I am struggling to stay awake in them, struggling just to focus in general. I feel guilty because I have so much to be thankful for. I feel guilty because I should be more excited about my last semester. I just can't seem to muster that excitement. This is more than just normal "Erin-stress." I am worn out, I am exhausted. I literally cried all the way home from SA this weekend because I dreaded so much coming back to all the stress, the schedule, the demands...I am pulled in so many differnet directions and feel as though I might crack or lose it almost every second of the day. Running is not doing enough to relieve the stress. And it makes my stomach upset thinking about having to add the task of finding a job. Which is another source of frustration. I am ready to be out of school...but am not really even excited about finding a new job. Actually...I take that back. I am excited about a new job. It's the process of obtaining that job that puts my stomach in knots.

 

So there is something wrong in my heart. There is something wrong in my spirit. Maybe "wrong" is too harsh a word. Or maybe it isn't...maybe "unsettled" might fit. I know that this will pass...it's just really hard to endure right now. I know God has a purpose for the season He has me in. I know that He has not forgotten me. I know that He is with me every step of the way. He reminded me of this just in the sweet encouraging words of friends, just in the questions of concern from friends who care about and love me. God is good- He always has been, He always will be. And that reminds me that everything is going to be ok.

Indescribable Peace and Joy

So I came to the conclusion today, that for the first time in a long time, I am truly at peace and have complete joy. For those of you who know me, and/or have been so kind as to read my random thoughts over this summer, know that this is HUGE. It's not that I usually walk around a depressed person or anything (because I don't, by the way). But so much has gone on in my life in the past years that it has been hard to stop and really recognize the peace and joy that only comes from God. But today I realized it in all of it's entirety.

 

No crazy event happened. There was no lightning bolt, the clouds did not part. I was just walking on campus and it hit me. I was at peace with my life and where God is taking me (even though I am still not really sure where that is). I was happy for no particular reason. I wasn't stressed (again, if you know me...a stress-free moment is rare). I was wholly content. It was an absolutely amazing feeling. And the fact that it just creeped up out of nowhere...and the fact that I really can't even describe it- that is only possible with God. He has filled my heart and it feels as though it could burst. Again, nothing has happened, no major life events...but it just shows how far God really did bring me this summer.

 

Now, I know myself. There will be days when I am stressed. There will be days when I don't feel very joyful or peaceful. But again, this comes from somewhere deep inside. Somewhere that can't be altered by changing circumstances. The funny thing is...it's always been there. It's part of the Christian life. It's just all the more exciting for me because I, in my own sin, felt like I had lost it there for a moment. And I can feel it again. It might have something to do with me surrendering to Him this summer.

 

"But as we do totally surrender, abandoning ourselves to Jesus, the Holy Spirit gives us a taste of His joy."

(Oswald Chambers)

 

 

Currently Reading: My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers