{iPhone Rewind} :: December

Sometimes math is hard.

Versailles masks!

I got to help with some of our Christmas decorations for church; it was fun to put the different languages represented on the wooden circles! {And yes, we caught the misspelling and fixed it haha}

We got our first snow early this year!

Some friends invited us to a Christmas band concert, and they had fun crafts, balloon art, and yummy treats!

I'm so thankful for these ladies (minus one!) These Bible study leaders faithfully serve week after week, pouring into our women, helping them to know the Word. I have learned so much from each of them, and I am so thankful for how they love the women of our church. I have missed them over this holiday break and can't wait to dive back into the Word together for our Proverbs study in January!

Science experiments are fun when they actually work! :)

When you get a large box, and the kids are entertained for days...

Homemade peppermint hot chocolate!

Sweet flowers from Mike's family, sending prayers and love from Texas on Michael's anniversary.

The kids sang in church for Christmas, and it was pretty fun, as always :)

And sometimes math is fun, when you get to play a snowball fight with Daddy!

They're cheap dates: a $1 Sam's pretzel and let them watch the changing LCD menu and they're happy as clams :)

Maddie: Aiden isn't smiling!

Aiden: Pooh is smiling. He's always smiling

Well, as long as Pooh is smiling...

Maddie got to try eggnog, and I think she is a fan...

National Twin Day!

We enjoyed a fun staff Christmas party {thank you, Parkers for hosting!} I know Mike is the one who gets to work with this lovely group, but I am so thankful for each of them, both for him, and for our church. I'm thankful for the friendships I get to enjoy from this staff {and their spouses}, and I am reminded of God's grace to us at CBC.

We took the kids to see their first official movie in a theatre! They LOVED it, and I would say it was a pretty awesome experience :)

When you find a giant Christmas tree, you have to take a photo! ;)

We made some gingerbread right before Christmas! I'm on a quest for the perfect recipe; while these were tasty, I am looking for a chewy recipe and these were crunchy. They were still fun to make!

Cutie Patootie :)

We didn't quite get to all of our prompts, but we did this fun Christmas reading advent calendar from Everyday Reading + Pippi Post, and the kids loved coloring it!

In a Moment

Most of us are aware that life can change in a moment. We go about our lives, busy with our day-to-day, and then something happens that forever changes the course of what we knew. We can look back and mark it as the moment that changed everything. 

Some moments are the good kind...

...you have been accepted {into X University}!

...we would like to extend the job offer.

...Will you marry me?

...You're {finally} pregnant!

They are life-altering, and when you look back at those sweet and sometimes long-awaited or long-prayed-for moments, you understand the gift that they are. That your life is as beautiful and amazing as it is because of those moments. You can't imagine your life being any other way without those moments. Those are the moments that make life full of joy and beauty and wonder, and you can't help but praise God for all of the gifts that He has bestowed on you. 

Some moments are the hard kind, but still the ones meant to make us stronger people. Meant to grow our faith and forge our character...

...you will live with this disease for the rest of your life.

...we are going to have to let you go.

...your treatment has been denied.

They can be life-altering too, and you wonder what God is doing. Sometimes you pray, and the Lord is gracious to answer and remove the hardship. But sometimes, His answer is "wait," or even "no," and you are forced to wrestle with His sovereignty. You are reminded of His goodness despite the hardships you face, knowing that He is doing something in your heart to make you more like Him. It's not always easy to endure, and you may often feel weary, but you push on toward the goal of spiritual maturity and the abundant life with Christ. You ask for His power to praise His name through the difficulties, looking in hope to the glory that awaits.

And then. And then there are those moments that knock the breath out of you...

...you have lost the baby.

...they don't think he's going to make it.

...his heart has stopped.

These are the moments when your whole world stops, and you aren't quite sure if you will recover. Because you don't feel strong enough to survive it. You have faced hard things before, but this? This is different... These moments will replay over and over in your mind; they will even show up {uninvited} in your dreams. You will wish with all of your heart that you could just go back to the time before that moment that changed everything. You will plead with God why He had to allow that moment to even happen. Your soul will cry out with a deep ache and longing, and there will often not even be words, because what do you even say in those moments?

Today marks the one year anniversary of saying "see you soon" to my brother. In a moment, everything changed for my family. In a moment, my parents lost their only son, and I became an only child. In a moment, I lost my first friend. As I have been anticipating this anniversary, the moments of that weekend have been replaying in my head again, almost to the intensity that they did in those early days. The texts from my mom. The phone call from my dad. The lonely moments on the plane. The suffocating moments in the hospital. The last moments in the OR. The moments planning the funeral. 

So many moments that will forever be etched on my brain, the kind of moments that should never be. Because it's not supposed to be this way. A parent should never have to bury their child; it's not the natural order of things. I should have my brother by my side for the days ahead. He was too young. Death and darkness were never the way it was supposed to be. 

I have said more than once in this grief journey that I do not understand how people grieve without Jesus; this is hard enough with Him. The gift that I have is that I don't have to grieve alone or without hope. In His loving kindness, God has gently reminded me of some other important moments that changed everything. Moments that make it possible to wake up and face these hard days...

...the light has come into the world.

...it is finished.

...he is not here, for he has risen!

Death and darkness were not the plan. But because of sin, death and darkness are the realities that we face in this world. But God, in His goodness, and from the beginning, set into motion a rescue plan to redeem all of the terrible things. In a moment, light shone in the darkness, Christ was born into a broken and weary world. In a moment, Christ gave His life to pay the penalty of our sin; our debt was paid in full, He died once for all. In a moment, he conquered death and walked out of the tomb, so that we might have life in Him. It's the life that Michael now enjoys. Our hope as followers of Jesus is that one day, all of the wrong things will be made right, and all of the dark things will be made light. And in another moment,

"Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed." - 1 Corinthians 15:51-52 

I grieve, yes. And right now, it's heavy and complicated and exhausting. But I have hope that in a moment, I will be reunited with my brother {and with the babies we lost!} In a moment, all of my tears will be dried, all of my pain will be gone forever. And I, too, will be forever with our Savior, who has so graciously and gently walked beside me in every moment of my life...the good, the hard, and the ones that have knocked the breath out of me.

A precious moment in time

The Last Hug

They say the first year after losing someone is the hardest. You're hitting all of the "firsts" without the one you love, and you're learning what grief looks like. It often catches you in the most random moments. You think you're getting a handle on it, and then it knocks you a new one again. But the more milestones that you face without the one you love, the more the reality and permanence of their loss sinks in. The reality that life really is moving on without them: the years are going to keep ticking by, and somehow all the events and memories are going to happen without them. In some ways, that just feels heavier.

As I look back over the past 8 months, I think back over all the times I was going about my day and randomly thought, "oh, I should check on Michael and see how he's doing. I should send him a text. Tell him I love him, am praying for him." Only to remember that I can't anymore. And that wave of emotion hits: the grief of missing him, the regret of not calling him more, the desire to hear his voice one more time. 

Or I realize that as I watch my kids growing, there's a heartache there, knowing that they won't remember their beloved Uncle Awesome. We share the photos and the videos and talk about him. But if I am honest with myself, I don't have many memories in my own life before the age of 6, so they likely won't remember him. It was hard living in different states; he was already not a part of their every day life. But to not have any memories of him or have him in their life at all...that just feels extra sad. 

Or there's the hurt when my kids fight with each other, like siblings do. When I hear, "I wish I didn't have a brother!" and my heart just can't take it. I know their little hearts don't understand the weight of their words, both from a parenting standpoint and from a stomp-on-my-grieving-heart standpoint. I have to hide my horror and not put the weight of my grief on them as I parent them through their conflict. While I know they don't truly mean it, the tears have already started falling, because of how deep their words cut. If they only knew. We do talk about the weight of their words as it relates to each other and people in general, and maybe I will press them more on the value of their relationships as siblings, but man, it's not a fun one to parent when your heart is broken. 

Over the past 8 months, I have relived that fateful phone call and that solo plane ride to Texas and the hospital and the funeral home. Over and over. The events of those days are ever present with me, and are as much a part of the memory of my brother as any of the others. And I wonder when {or if} the memories of that time will fade. I know I likely won't ever forget, but I do wonder when the memories of his life will outweigh the memories of his death. 

I wonder when the songs will stop triggering tears. The song we sang at his funeral. The song that played while we said our goodbyes in the operating room. I'm grateful for music and how the Lord uses songs to meet us where we are. And I even love these particular songs. But I still cannot hear or sing them without going right back to those moments in time, reliving the goodbyes. 

And then there's today. 8 months is not typically a milestone for grieving. But for me, today marks 1 year since I last got a hug from my brother. I was visiting my grandparents in San Antonio {ironically enough because I was worried about their health, worried about losing them}. Before heading back home, I was able to have dinner with Michael. At the time, I was grateful for the chance to see him, as I always was, since we lived in different states. But I took it for granted. We had been talking about everyone coming out to Virginia for Christmas, so I just assumed I would see him again then. I just assumed there would be another visit, another time. Another hug.

We all do it. We all take our time with loved ones for granted, and it's not because we don't care. Life gets busy, we get distracted, or a hundred of other reasons, I don't know. All I can say is this. If your loved one comes to mind, just send the text. Make the phone call. If you're with them, take the picture. Give the hug. Say "I love you." I promise you won't regret it. 

While I am still so sad, and wish there were more...I can't tell you how grateful I am for that last hug.

Family Time After Loss

This past week, my family came into town. It has been 6 months since we lost Michael, and we wanted to be together, particularly around Father's Day and his birthday. This time together was hard, merely from the standpoint that his absence was palpable. There were reminders of him in the activities we did {from previous trips}, as well as realities of making memories without him. 

But the time together was another step toward healing as we figure out life without him here. I found myself going back to the truths of Revelation, rejoicing over all that he is experiencing now, knowing that we will one day experience it with him too. While this part of the grieving process is not fun {having to move forward without him}, I am thankful for family and the time that we get to spend together. I am thankful for the memories we get to share about the person we all loved, and for the joy that the Lord brings, even in the midst of tears. 

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When everyone arrived, we hit the ground running with all the vacation fun! First stop: Chick Fil A for lunch, then frozen yogurt for dessert! There was certainly no lack of ice cream {or variations of it} on this trip, but calories don't count on vacation, right? :)  Aunt Vi brought a fun bead bracelet making kit, and this was the activity of the week. Every opportunity that the kids had to make a bracelet, they did. I'm pretty sure we used up every bead in the kit; they absolutely loved it!

On Thursday, we headed into D.C. to visit the National Zoo. Our goal: see the pandas! We haven't seen the new ones since they have arrived, and Airalyn really wanted to see them as well. And we were so blessed by an amazing panda viewing. We got to the exhibit right as one of the pandas decided to climb down a tree and walk around the habitat. And then when we went inside, we got to see both pandas. It was perfect!

The rest of the day turned out great as well. It was a fairly warm day, but we got to balance it with indoor, air conditioned exhibits, and we got to see lots of animals. The kids had a blast, even getting to ride the carousel, and it was a really successful zoo day.

That evening, we relaxed at home, playing uno {and bead bracelets} and making s'mores! We had to enjoy the nice weather before all the rain moved in, and we were thankful for a good night.

On Friday, we went to Old Town Alexandria for the day. But before we headed out, the boys "helped" Papa with a special project {fixing the curtain rod that had come out of the wall}. After the house projects were done, we headed to the harbor to explore and do some shopping.

We took some photos by the water, and then walked around the Torpedo Factory Art Center for a bit. We then walked up King Street and explored the little shops. We enjoyed lunch at Chart House, took a trolley ride the full length of King Street, and enjoyed ice cream at Kilwins.

On Saturday, we stuck close to home for most of the day. We grilled burgers, brats, and hot dogs, and we celebrated Father's Day. There was more uno and bead bracelets, as well as Stratego, Battleship, and perler beads. We also decided to visit Udvar-Hazy, but I somehow didn't get a single picture from that visit.

Sunday we went to church and lunch at Uncle Julio's. Monday we braved the rain and headed into D.C. to see the National Mall and visit the Natural History Museum. It was wet, for sure, but it really wasn't too bad. It actually helped keep some of the crowds away, and it definitely helped keep the heat away. Which was good, because we did A LOT of walking!

Braving the rain at the Washington Monument! {Lincoln Memorial in the foggy background}

Lincoln Memorial

Vietnam Veterans Memorial

White House

Being in D.C. brought back a lot of memories with Michael. He had made a trip on his own in June of 2021, and we had visited the zoo and National Mall with him. He came back with my parents that December, and we visited D.C. again. As we visited certain spots, I kept remembering specific photos and memories with him. The kids were still pretty little, but they were more than happy to keep up, because they were just happy to be with Uncle Michael. 

June 2021

December 2021

June 2021 vs. June 2025

December 2021 vs. June 2025

Tuesday would have been Michael's 38th birthday. We decided to celebrate with a key lime pie, one of the things that he had recently starting making and perfecting himself. Sadly, I never got to try his famous key lime pie, and we don't have his recipe. But from what I have heard, it was pretty killer. So I went on a hunt for the best key lime pie in NOVA. And while I know it's not his, and I'm sure he would have lots to critique about it, I hope it was a little slice of "we love you and we miss you." 

And because it wouldn't be an event celebrating Michael without a little goofiness... Vi and Addison and Airalyn brought shark outfits for the kids to bring them into the fold of shark silliness. And I know that Michael would have loved it :)

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We are thankful for a good week with family. That amidst the tears and grief, there is joy and laughter. That while it is difficult to move forward and make memories without Michael here, we know that it is part of the process and that he would want us to be making fun memories together. That the Lord sustains us and provides comfort and strength as we navigate the days ahead.