Embryo Adoption :: Our Journey {2015}

Our journey continued through 2015...

January 6, 2015: We {finally} finished our home study checklist!

January 7, 2015: I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy for the originally diagnosed hydrosalpinx. This surgery showed that there was not hydrosalpinx, but instead endometriosis and an orange-sized ovarian cyst {!} We were nervous about what this meant for our FET {Frozen Embryo Transfer}, but I went home to rest/recover and await the verdict.

January 15, 2015: Skype call with our home evaluation worker.

January 23, 2015: Post-op appointment with my RE, where we received {thankfully} confirmation that we were still good candidates for an FET!

January 31, 2015: Home visit for our home evaluation.

February 11, 2015: Approved for our home study!

February 19, 2015: Matching interview to start the matching phase.

February 24, 2015: We received our first potential match with a donor family {M&A}!

February 25, 2015: Embryology report sent to my RE.

March 2, 2015: We accepted the match with M&A for 6 precious embryos!

March 4, 2015: We entered the contract phase for the embryo adoption.

March 10, 2015: FET protocol consult with my RE.

March 16, 2015: After some negotiation regarding future contact with the donor family, we received the contract.

March 17, 2015: We signed/notarized the contract, and my FET medications arrived in the mail.

Sadly, this is only a fraction of my meds...

March 25, 2015: Mock Embryo Transfer

March 26, 2015: Blood work showed hyperprolactinemia {big fancy word for high prolactin levels}, so I started medication to reduce my prolactin levels leading up to a transfer.

Such a tiny dose. I will take 1/2 a pill twice a week until we get a positive HPT.

April 3, 2015: The signed contract from the donor family came in...the 6 precious embryos are legally ours! {Good Friday}.

April 6, 2015: Shipping coordination began {donor family blood work recommended by the FDA + clinic release form}.

May 7, 2015: After a lot of difficulty and frustration, our donor family finally found a clinic that would do their blood draw.

May 10, 2015: A Different Kind of Mom {Mother's Day}

May 11, 2015: Because our embryos still have not shipped, I started taking birth control pills to help ward off endometriosis and prepare for our transfer cycle. {Anyone notice the irony of taking a birth control pill in an effort to get pregnant??}

May 13, 2015: Donor family went in for their blood draw...now we just wait for the blood test results to come back from the lab.

May 22, 2015: After a slight issue with the testing kit, the results came back clear. Now we just wait for the donor family to sign/notarize the clinic release form.

June 3, 2015: The donor family signed/notarized and mailed the clinic release form. Now we just wait for it to arrive so we can ship!

June 9, 2015: I had my second hysteroscopy to make sure that my endometriosis had not returned.

June 12, 2015: All paperwork is in!! Nightlight is finalizing shipping details, so our babies should ship first thing next week!!

June 16, 2015: Our embryos shipped today- our babies are {finally} on their way!! Hallelujah, praise Jesus! It has been a LONG 10 weeks...

June 17, 2015: Our embryos arrived safely at our clinic!!  

June 20, 2015: Officially started transfer cycle.

July 2, 2015: Lining check sonogram...lining is 7mm, so we scheduled our transfer. I also started the dreaded Progesterone in Oil {PIO} shots.

One of these suckers in the rear every day for 12-14 weeks; and don't be fooled- that is most definitely thick, slow-injecting oil in that syringe...

July 10, 2015: Transfer Day!

July 20, 2015: Negative Pregnancy Test- transfer 1 failed. Jack & Jill.

July 21, 2015: Follow up appointment to determine next steps after failed FET.

July 23, 2015: I Stand for Life

July 24, 2015: Started transfer cycle #2.

August 7, 2015: Lining check #2.

August 13, 2015: Started PIO again {we had to push our transfer back several days in order to accommodate the embryology schedule}.

August 17, 2015: Thaw Day.

August 19, 2015: Transfer Day #2!.

August 20, 2015: Amy and Noah.

August 31, 2015: Blood Pregnancy Test- we are pregnant!!!

September 2, 2015: Beta #2- we are losing our babies...

September 7, 2015: I miscarried...

September 9, 2015: Beta #3, confirmation that we are no longer pregnant; Annie and Hope.

September 10, 2015: Post transfer and miscarriage follow-up appointment; started taking BCP again for endometriosis management.

September 14, 2015: Blood work to determine if there are any underlying autoimmune issues that could have caused my miscarriage.

September 15, 2015: A letter to our precious genetic family, M&A.

September 16, 2015: Miscarriage after Infertility, Hope after Loss.

September 17, 2015: Received test results back from autoimmune testing- everything is normal. Praise God!

September 18, 2015: Began the process of updating our file and home study with Nightlight so we could move forward with rematching.

October 13, 2015: Home visit #2.

October 15, 2015: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day + 6 Babies.

October 20, 2015: Re-approved for our home study; officially entered into the re-matching process.

October 24, 2015: The Announcement That Didn't Happen...

November 4, 2015: We received a potential match with another donor family {I&A}; embryology report sent to RE.

November 8, 2015: When the Tears Come.

November 13, 2015: Consultation with RE about embryology report; we needed to clarify details on the report, so we scheduled yet another follow up.

November 17, 2015: Trusting our RE's opinion and after much prayer, we made the decision to decline the match with I&A. We now wait for another one.

December 3, 2015: We received a potential match with another donor family {J&J}; embryology report sent to RE. I also attended my first Shiloh coffee.

December 10, 2015: We accepted the match with our second family for 4 precious embryos!

December 11, 2015: We entered the contract phase for our second embryo adoption.

December 18, 2015: After approving the contract terms for future contact with our donor family, we received the embryo adoption agreement! Nightlight closes at the end of the year, so we will have to wait until January for any further progress.  My Christmas Wish List.

December 20, 2015: We signed and notarized the contracts, as well as the FET protocol paperwork. Now we wait for Nightlight to re-open in January to schedule shipping!

We have sent a lot of envelopes/packages to California this year!

December 25, 2015: Christmas was difficult this year with the loss of our babies. But I love the snowflake ornaments that we got for each of them, to represent the tiny lives that the Lord gave to us, if even for a short time.

December 30, 2015: The best is yet to come.

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We closed 2015 grieving the loss of our first 6 babies, but hopeful for the life to come with our 4 new babies!

Embryo Adoption :: Lining Check {FET #3}

These procedures are starting to feel like old hat....

Today we went in for our sonogram lining check. My RE joked about how I was really starting to speak their lingo since we have been through these tests several times before. Funny, but also not...

I have been taking Estrace in increasing amounts for the past 2 weeks. I have had no side effects from that, something for which I am thankful. My lining today was 7.5mm and triple stripe, so right where my RE wants it! 

She did mention my stubborn endometriosis again, as she could see it on the sonogram. But she assured me that it won't affect our transfer {just something I will always have to deal with}. She said everything else looks great, and we're all set for a transfer next Friday!

I have my Sharpie target circles drawn on my rear, and will restart the PIO injections on Saturday. Here we go again...third time's a charm, right?

Embryo Adoption :: Trying Again

Today I went to see my doctor again to figure out next steps. I just have to say that I am incredibly grateful for her. No one ever wants to have to see an RE, but I am so thankful for the one the Lord provided to us. I loved her the instant I met her, and she has been an amazing support along our journey. She is incredibly respectful and supportive of our decisions, and she has done everything in her power to help guide us in the process. 

The first thing out of her mouth today was an apology and empathy for our heartache. I say empathy because she gets it. She herself walked through infertility, so it has only served to make her that much better suited for her position. She has an incredible compassion for her patients, and I wouldn't want to be working with anyone else.

So what's next? The good news is that we can try again beginning with my next cycle. She actually recommended sooner rather than later because of my endometriosis. We have 4 day-3 embryos left, and so they will thaw them a couple of days before the transfer and let them grow to day-5. The protocol will otherwise be the same as far as meds, lining check, and FET. 

So now we're waiting {and praying} for the start of a new cycle. She did warn me this one will be intense, so I'm not looking forward to that. But I am thankful that it will mean that we will be able to try again with our other babies. Our hearts are still processing the loss of our first 2 {Jack and Jill}, but we have 4 other little ones still waiting for us.

Embryo Adoption :: Lining Check

I have been taking Estrace in increasing amounts for 2 weeks now. Today we went in for a lining check. Basically, we had to determine if the medication was working to prepare my body for a transfer. Today would determine whether we move on to the next step of our journey.

My doctor said my lining was 7.5mm triple stripe - perfect and ready for a transfer! So on July 10 {8 days from now}, we will transfer our first 2 little ones! :)

My doctor said that my endometriosis was already coming back; she seemed frustrated by this, especially since I had the surgery to remove it back in January, and just a few weeks ago my repeat hysteroscopy seemed clear. She said it seemed like I have an aggressive form of endometriosis {of course I do!}. Good news is that it won't affect a transfer. Bad news is that I will have to have another surgery in the future. Blast.

Today we also received training for the dreaded PIO {Progesterone in Oil} shots. I will take these intramuscular shots every day until our pregnancy test, and if we get a positive, then every day for 10-12 weeks of the pregnancy. My rear will become a pin cushion, and it won't feel awesome, but you can bet I will do whatever I need to do in order to keep our little ones safe and growing!

Embryo Adoption :: Hysteroscopy Round 2

Because our embryos have taken SO long to ship, I had to go in for a repeat hysteroscopy to make sure that my endometriosis had not returned, which would delay a transfer. The first hysteroscopy was done while I was under anesthesia for my surgery, but this one was done in the doctor's office.

For those who have walked the road of infertility, you know that these tests/procedures can be brutal. I survived this one, but it was incredibly painful. Because the doctor is inside your uterus with a camera, it induces cramping. And my uterus doesn't take kindly to cramping. I tried to relax and endure the pain, but I definitely had to let her know how uncomfortable I was, and I came close to passing out. 

I don't say that to scare anyone, but hopefully to prepare them. Some women don't feel a thing. But if you're like me, just be prepared. Take the recommended ibuprofen beforehand {I can't have ibuprofen, so I was stuck with acetaminophen...which for me is not super effective on cramping}, take deep breaths, and just keep reminding yourself that you're doing this for your babies.

The good news is that my uterus is still clear and ready for a transfer! It was definitely the best news we had received in awhile, and I may have cried from just sheer gratitude. I half expected for her to tell me I needed more surgery, simply because everything else has seemed to go wrong in the past 2 months. Today I was reminded that God is still listening to our prayers, still holding our hand through this long process. And I really needed to be reminded of that today.

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I have tried to limit the expression of my frustrations here on this blog. Partly because it doesn't help anything, and partly because I am ashamed of how angry I have allowed myself to become at times. This process has been incredibly frustrating, and we have had to fight for joy, fight for forgiveness, fight for grace. And I'm just confessing right now that I have lost a lot in that fight. I hear the words "oh ye, of little faith" constantly in the back of my head, because I am just so exhausted and unsure of why the Lord is allowing this to be so hard.

But I will keep fighting. While I have my words with the Lord and don't understand His plans sometimes, I don't want these circumstances to change my view of who He is. I may not always feel it, but He is good, despite what's happening right now. He is in control, He does have a good plan, and He will be glorified regardless of the outcome. 

I pray for faith like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who had no doubt God could deliver them from their pain, and yet refused to stop worshiping the True God, even if He didn't {Daniel 3}. I don't want to doubt the Lord's hand in these frustrating circumstances, and I want to be able to still fall to my knees in worship of Him, even if He chooses not to provide a baby at the end of this process. It is most definitely a fight right now; and I am thankful I do not have to fight it alone.

My Body Groans

If you have read my blog for any extended period of time, you know that there are no lack of posts regarding my health. There's absolutely no question that my body is falling apart and is, well frankly, kind of a mess! :)

I never intended for my blog to be filled with so much health-related info, but the reality is that it's a huge part of my life: what I deal with, what I have to process with the Lord. It's my "thorn in the flesh" ... and I have pleaded with the Lord to remove my ailments an embarrassingly high number of times more than three times.

In the last 3 years, I have been "lucky" enough to be diagnosed with 3 diseases...none of which have a cure, and all of which researchers say "the cause is still unknown." Crohn's Disease. Endometriosis. Female-Factor Infertility {which I do know is linked to issues related to the first two}.

Some days I can laugh about it; I mean, it is fairly ridiculous if you think about it. Three incurable diseases in 3 years. Ummm...what?!? How is that even possible? It's like an over-dramatic {and terribly written} movie script. 

But some days are just hard. It's overwhelming to think about how much my body just doesn't function properly. It sure feels like I am falling apart, and my body is in fact breaking down. Doctors are always finding something that can ultimately be linked back to these diseases...vitamin deficiencies. elevated cholesterol. fatigue. ovarian cysts. hyperprolactinemia. migraines. pseudo papilledema {remember that??}. body aches.

I often ask Mike if he will take care of me when I have cancer too, because I am at an increased risk for colorectal cancer from Crohn's, ovarian cancer from endometriosis, and skin cancer or hepatosplenic T-cell lymphoma from Humira {which I take for Crohn's}. Please don't misunderstand me; I know that cancer should not be taken lightly. And my diseases {though incurable} are not currently killing me. I face long-term complications because of them, but I do not have terminal diagnoses. And I am so thankful for that. But this is nonetheless my reality. I don't have the best odds, and I don't have the benefit of a normal healthy life. I'm not a doomsday crier, but at some level I have to face facts.

So why a post with all this doom and gloom? Because it's a reminder to me about how my body, like the rest of creation, groans. The misery, brokenness, pain, and suffering of this world is just a reminder of sin. When sin entered the scene, so did death {and disease, pain, illness}. Which reveals the ugliness and gravity of sin, but oh, the preciousness of redemption and hope!

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." {Romans 8:18-23}

My body {literally} groans as I wait in eager anticipation for the glory that awaits. And because of Jesus' saving work on the cross, I will one day have a new body, free of disease and pain. But even more than that, I get the best inheritance of all: Jesus. This suffering is but light and momentary, so I can endure it with patience and hope. 

Without Crohn's or endometrioisis or infertility, I don't know how much of the depth and intimacy with my Savior I would know. I don't know how much I would long for heaven. I don't know how much of a comfort I could really be to others. I certainly wouldn't know the true depth of my own helplessness and the perfection of His strength. On the hard days, I can rest in the knowledge that He understands my pain and suffering, provides comfort now, and has such an incredible hope and redemption waiting for me.

Infertility :: Our Diagnosis {Part 2}

Yesterday, I shared Part 1 of our infertility story. It really was only the beginning of what was ahead...

Infertility Testing
Though we were certainly disappointed with the official infertility diagnosis with my OB/GYN {and many tears were shed}, it was somewhat of a relief, because we were more than ready to begin the process of finding answers. I knew before I met with my doctor that we were infertile; now that she acknowledged it, we could move forward to find the problem. We waited a full year to hurry up and wait some more...

We went through several months of testing, attempting to pinpoint the problem{s} and exploring what our options could be. An infertility diagnosis is heartbreaking in and of itself, but this testing phase of finding out results and wading through our options was just as hard {if not harder}. My initial tests {overall health, ovulation, etc} came back fine. So we were referred to a urologist {the best in DFW} to begin testing on Mike. Let me just say: introducing a third {or fourth, depending on the number of doctors involved} party into an intimate part of your marriage is one of the strangest things I have ever encountered. We have had to have fairly frank exams and conversations regarding {what we consider} private things, with essentially strangers. Necessary in order to identify the issue, but not super fun...

Male-Factor Diagnosis
While we wanted to find answers, I don't think that we were quite prepared for the answers we received. In August of 2014, we were told that, due to a genetic male-factor issue, we had less than a 1% chance of conceiving on our own, and that there was nothing we could do to improve those chances either. So essentially, there was no "fix" for the problem. No lifestyle changes, no medicine, no surgery. Our only option to have our own genetic children was IVF with ICSI, a procedure where the best sperm is selected and injected directly into the egg, and the resulting embryo{s} are transferred to the uterus in hopes of implantation. Even with this option, the doctor was not quite convinced that it would work because of the genetic concerns.

This news rocked my world in ways I was not prepared for. I had been doing my research and had already started praying about the types of infertility treatments we might attempt. I was not prepared to not have any options. In the infertility world, IVF with ICSI is one of the most extreme and often the last stop on the infertility treatment train. We basically skipped ALL other options {medication, IUI, IVF}, and went straight to the most expensive, most invasive treatment.

While I tried to be brave in the doctor's office, I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Mike was devastated as well, but he had to be strong for his wife, who was falling apart in front of him {and in front of the doctor. and the intern}. I remember the doctor handing me a tissue and asking me if I needed a minute, but I just felt numb. I remember walking back through the waiting room {I'm sure the devastation written all over our faces}, but I don't remember much of the car ride home.

We fell on our knees before the Lord and wondered what His plan in all of this was to be. We had some reservations about IVF with ICSI, but I wasn't quite ready to give up on my desire to experience pregnancy. We have spent the months since seeking the Lord's will for our family.

Female-Factor Diagnosis
Even though we had our official diagnosis, we wanted to be absolutely sure that I could even carry a pregnancy before we moved forward on anything. In September/October 2014, we met with a reproductive endocrinologist {RE}, and I had an HSG test {a fancy x-ray for my reproductive organs}.The HSG showed what my doctor diagnosed as a hydrosalpinx, or a blockage, in my right Fallopian tube. She said it was most likely scarring caused by Crohn's inflammation, and that she would need to do a laparoscopy to remove it. 

In January 2015, I had the laparoscopy, and they ended up finding a larger problem. There was no hydrosalpinx after all, so my Fallopian tube was just fine. Instead, they found stage IV endometriosis and an ovarian cyst the size of an orange. So our less than 1% chance of conceiving was actually nil with my endometriosis. Thankfully, they were able to remove it all, and I should be ok for another 6 months or so before I start seeing the endo flare again. But at least now we know exactly what we are dealing with.

This diagnosis was a little out of the blue. My doctor wondered how I could not have known something was up {as endometriosis has some severe symptoms and, hello- I hid an orange-sized cyst in my belly!}, but she concluded that my Crohn's symptoms and endometriosis symptoms have just been overlapping. And because I am always in some pain of some kind, I didn't really have anything new to bring up with my doctors. I just thought it was all normal for me. It is likely that I have had endometriosis since I was in high school. I went on birth control at that time because my cycles were so debilitating and painful. And since I stopped taking birth control when we started trying to conceive, it has been allowed to flare, which ultimately led to the cyst.

The more research I have done on endometriosis, the more I have realized how auto-immune disease affects so much. Some research shows that women with endometriosis are 80% {!} more likely to also be diagnosed with IBD {hello Crohn's}. So now I am even more convinced of the genetic links and predispositions for Crohn's Disease.

So What Now?
We covet your prayers. When we were first diagnosed, we were devastated at what it all meant for our little family. The heartache and the disappointment are still there, but the Lord has allowed us to process and is slowly bringing healing and peace, something that I believe is only possible in Him and requires a daily dependence on the Spirit. 

We are carefully weighing our options before the Lord. At the end of the day, we want to be obedient to our Savior, even if it means letting go of our dreams of experiencing pregnancy and/or being parents to biological children. That sounds simple, but typing those words is incredibly difficult, and my keyboard still floods with tears at that thought. That's such a big dream to turn over. I really want to be a mom and experience pregnancy, now more than I ever thought I would. And I have had to face the reality that I might not get to...but somehow I still have to trust the heart of my Savior and believe that He is still good to me.

For now, we wait and we pray for our miracle baby. Whether that baby comes through fertility treatments or adoption, he or she will be no less of a miracle for these two hopeful infertiles.