Bible Study in the Season of Littles

One of the hardest things I have discovered in this season of raising littles is the difficulty in staying consistently in God's Word. And yet I have found myself needing to cling to scripture more than ever.  There have been a lot of ebbs and flows over the past few years, and Bible Study has seemed to look a little bit different in varying stages of motherhood so far. I certainly haven't figured it out, and have learned that it is just going to be a daily battle. But it's a battle worth fighting!

When the twins were born, we basically lived in survival mode for the whole first year. My normal routine of sitting down in the quiet, with a hot cup of coffee, and uninterrupted time reading my Bible was no longer possible. I tried. And failed miserably. Listening to the Audio Bible became my lifeline. Once babies were sleeping a little more, I found myself sitting in one place A LOT while feeding them. So we listened to the Word together during those 8-10 scheduled feeding times. I also listened to a lot of sermons, as well as several gospel-focused podcasts. And my sweet friend Laura also came to my rescue, asking me to do a Bible study with her. So then I could get into the Word with some accountability, without having to leave my house, which we were just not prepared to do yet haha.

After surviving that first crazy year, we were already preparing to add a third, and now Eli and Maddie were running around all over the place. They were sleeping more, yes; but my body was in recovery mode from all the lost sleep, and I found it really difficult to get up any earlier to have quiet time in the Word before the crazies were up. That's an excuse, I know. Full disclosure: I chose sleep during that time. So I continued listening to my Audio Bible. I also would read short devotionals before I went to bed at night. Definitely not the meat that I would normally recommend, but thankful for a small way to stay focused on God's Word. 

Before Aiden was born, I got the idea in my head that I could be part of a weekly Bible study that I could join via a video call. BSF offers satellite discussion groups, where you can talk about the weekly lesson with a small group via a Zoom call, and then you can get the lecture and notes online. I was super excited to join this study! I thought, surely I can make this work if I can do it from home, right? Well, enter newborn baby #3 who wasn't exactly on a schedule yet as a tiny 3-week old baby, the craziness of 3 under 3, and then my unexpected hospital visit that just threw all of life upside down. I felt so sad to have to leave that group, but the few times that I actually made the video call, I had to be on mute the whole time because Aiden was screaming in the background, as I was trying to feed him without flashing my poor Bible study group. So not exactly the organized/focused study I was hoping for...

During that time, I continued to listen to my Audio Bible, and I was meditating a lot on specific scripture verses. As I struggled with Postpartum Anxiety, one thing that really helped was to have Bible verses taped to my walls and written down within easy reach. So again, not the in-depth, pick-apart-the-passage study that I am used to, but still a way to stay connected to God's Word. 

And now? I felt like this summer I was finally emerging from the fog and chaos of new motherhood. And I was determined to get to a formalized Bible study. So I signed up for the Acts and Letters of the Apostles study with BSF, and I committed to get all 4 of us out of the house and to class. It has been HARD. Every Wednesday morning is nothing short of chaos. And I am completely exhausted by lunch time. But to be back in the study of God's Word, week after week, with other women who are earnestly seeking Jesus in this season of motherhood...it has been balm to my weary soul. I didn't realize just how much I had missed it. And I love that my kiddos are getting to study the same things that I am studying, just at their level {even Aiden!}. 

So what's the point in sharing all of this? Part of it is my own record; being able to look back over this season of motherhood and "remember when." But mostly, I want to encourage any other mamas who might be struggling. Mama to Littles, I want you to know that you need God's Word to make it through this hard season. Don't give up. It's going to be a daily battle, and it's not always going to look the way you thought it would {or should}. But keep fighting. It's 1000% worth the fight to stay in God's Word, whatever that looks like. Use this unique season to choose specific verses to spend days meditating on. Post it on your bathroom mirror, by your kitchen sink, somewhere you will see it all day long. 

This season is intense, and I know for me, it just seems like all you do is pour yourself out for other people. Which is why it's so important to be sure you are filling your soul so that you can sacrificially and daily serve your little people well. But Mama, give yourself some grace too! I had to let go a little of my "vision" of what Bible study should look like during this season. And I had to recognize that it is just that: a season. This grace isn't a free pass to drop God's Word or find some watered-down version of Bible study. But it is a recognition that God's Word is sufficient, and He is our strength and our shield. We can let go of the legalism of checking our Bible study box, and ask the Spirit to bring His scripture to mind throughout the day. We can find grace in digging back into God's Word, no matter how long it has been.

But whatever Bible study looks like in this crazy, unique season, I highly recommend having a Laura. Everyone needs a Laura in their lives {for multiple reasons!!} But what I mean by that is, make sure you have accountability. Have the friend who is going to constantly ask you what you have been studying in His Word. The friend who will walk through a book with you and have the craziness of all the babies in the background and love you when you didn't quite finish answering all of your questions again. The friend who will send you links to encouraging gospel-centered podcasts, or have an Amazon delivery sent to your house with a pretty devotional book. I am forever grateful for my dear friend, who is constantly pointing me to Jesus, and doing so in a way that lovingly keeps me focused :)  {Love you, friend!}

Hang in there, Mama to Littles! You can do this. Cling to God's Word however you can! I promise, it's worth it.

That Time Jesus Spared My Life

I have been trying to figure out if and how I wanted to write this post. The last couple of months have been crazy on a good day, so it has been hard to find the time to sit and write. But I have also had a lot of emotions to process. I don't want to sound over dramatic, but the fact of the matter is that I had a fairly traumatic medical emergency, and it left me feeling pretty anxious. 

I have always wanted this blog to be an account of my journey...to the heart of God, how He takes care of me, what He is teaching me, the blessings He bestows in my life. Now that I have had a little more time to process, I know that I want to have a record of all the Lord has done. And my counselor has encouraged me to tell my story. While I have had my anxious moments {and am still trying to work through that}, there are countless ways the Lord showed up on September 18th. And I don't ever want to forget it.

So if you'll allow me to recount what happened and record the gracious hand of God on my life...

Forewarning: I will try to spare some details, but I will also be talking about blood and other medical issues. Just a heads up, in case that's not your thing. You can skip past the Medical Emergency section :)

Medical Emergency- What I Remember

When Aiden was born on August 26th, I had another fairly large hemorrhage at the time of delivery. It was enough that I needed a blood transfusion, but it seemed not to be as severe as the one with the twins, because I was alert and able to enjoy those first few hours with my baby boy. The doctor just said I was a bleeder, I got my transfusion, and all was well. I went home, and didn't have any other issues. 

On September 18th, Aiden woke up to eat around 2am. I pulled him out of his bassinet and sat up to get ready to feed him and felt a huge, warm gush. It didn't stop, so I woke Mike up and told him he needed to take Aiden so I could run to the bathroom. By the time I took the 4 steps to the bathroom, my clothes were soaked through, and I was standing in my own blood. I started to panic because it was coming fast and not stopping. I told Mike that I thought I needed to go to the hospital, but not to come into the bathroom, because it was starting to look like a crime scene. He asked me if we needed to call 9-1-1, and I immediately said yes. I knew there was no way we would make it to the hospital on our own, and I didn't know what we would do with our kiddos. 

I hopped in the shower because I didn't know what else to do. The bleeding was still fast and still not stopping, and was soaking through everything I used to try to stop it. While he called 9-1-1 {still holding my hungry Aiden boy}, I just sat in the shower and watched my blood wash down the drain. It was in that moment that I started to feel scared, thinking that I might actually bleed out in my bathroom. The paramedics didn't take long to get to the house, but time seemed to stand still. 

When they got there, I was still alert {a huge praise and miracle, given how much I was losing}, and I was able to walk to the stretcher and answer their questions. Poor Mike looked so helpless and didn't know what to do with Aiden. The poor paramedic felt so bad, but gently had to tell us that Aiden couldn't go with me in the ambulance, because he didn't have a way to secure him. I am thankful the Lord kept me conscious and alert enough to remember that we had some formula and bottles in a box in the nursery "just in case." I remember telling Mike that he would have to give Aiden a bottle. I don't remember wheeling through the house, but I do remember when we got outside {I could feel the warm air} and when they loaded me into the ambulance. I was conscious, but barely. My eyelids were so heavy, and I just remember feeling so tired and sluggish. But I do remember the ambulance ride, the IV, giving the paramedic some basic information. He was beyond kind and took such good care of me.

I remember them saying we had arrived at the hospital, but I don't remember being in the ER. I remember seeing my OB at some point, a few medical conversations here and there, someone telling me I had lost too much blood and didn't have time to pump {because I remember asking several times about that during the day}, a loud machine and people talking while I was in a procedure, the sweet nurse who got me a heated blanket...but I didn't really know what happened between the time I arrived at the hospital and the time I woke up in recovery that afternoon. I was able to piece together more information from Mike and my doctor later that evening.

Medical Emergency- Filling in the Gaps of What Happened

When I arrived in the Emergency Room, they gave me 2 units of blood. My OB {Dr. Banks} was called in to do an emergency D&C to try to stop the bleeding. It was during that procedure that they discovered that I had retained placenta. She was able to remove that {a small 2cm piece} and ordered another 2 units of blood, because I continued to bleed through that procedure.

I don't really know when Dr. Dani got involved {perhaps she was at the hospital? or Dr. Banks consulted with her since she was at Aiden's delivery?}, but she arrived and made the call to the Interventional Radiologist to get the OR prepped, just in case. She knew that if I was going to continue bleeding after the D&C, it would be pretty immediate, and that I would need to immediately go into a second procedure. Not that Dr. Banks didn't know...she did. It was a joint effort by a lot of doctors and nurses that day.

I came out of the D&C, and I do remember feeling nauseated, getting sick, and feeling another large, warm gush. Nurse Tracy was the one who knew that wasn't right and immediately called Dr. Dani. I mention this sweet nurse because Dr. Dani later told me that my nurse care made all the difference for me that day.

So I was wheeled into the OR for a Uterine Artery Embolization. I was in and out of sleep and remember hearing the noise of the imaging machine moving and pieces of conversations about sizing for some part of the procedure. Basically, they went through my femoral artery to get to my uterus, where they placed 5 coils inside to stop the bleeding. After hours of bleeding, 4 units of blood, and massive amounts of medication, the bleeding stopped almost immediately. I was able to meet Dr. Pong {the Interventional Radiologist} the next day and personally thank him for {literally} helping to save my life.

I was then wheeled into a special recovery room where I had my own individual nurse, who was so sweet to bring me a heated blanket that resembled bubble wrap. I was there for a few hours, where they observed me to be sure I didn't bleed anymore. The next procedure would have been a hysterectomy. I wasn't allowed to move for several hours, needing to remain still and lie on my back so I didn't bother the incision. Mike was finally able to see me for a few minutes, and by this time, it was already after lunch.

I stayed a little longer in recovery before I was taken to my hospital room where Mike, Aiden, and a blessed breast pump were waiting. It had been over 13 hours since I had been able to nurse/pump, and it was such a relief to finally be able to do that. There was some question about a medication I was taking, so I had to pump and dump, so I am so thankful that Aiden took to bottles of formula so well. 

I stayed overnight, but then was able to go home the next day. I was put on 4 weeks of lifting restrictions, but otherwise was given a good prognosis.

How the Lord Took Care of Me

This could be a post in itself, but for now, I would like to just make a list of all the ways the Lord showed up in all the details of that day. Because there are so many things that had to go right at the right time that day for me to be here sharing my story. That's a big thing to process, and I am still working through that. But I am so thankful for God's watch-care over my life. 

• The Monday before was my first day running solo with all 3 kiddos. I am so thankful this didn't happen while I was home alone with them.
• I am thankful this didn't happen with the twins {as it easily could have}. Because then we would still have had 2 waiting embryos. And then we wouldn't have our precious Aiden...
• I am thankful that I didn't have one bit of pain in the whole ordeal. 
• The Lord lined up all of the right paramedics, nurses, and doctors that day. Each was undistracted, paying close attention, which made all the difference in the immediacy and accuracy of my care. It could have easily been different.
• Living in Melissa, the closest hospital is the one where I delivered Aiden. If we had still been living in Plano, I would have been taken to a different hospital. I wouldn't have had the care of my own OB, or the OB who had delivered Aiden. That also could have easily made a difference...
• I am thankful that Dr. Dani insisted on a transfusion after Aiden's delivery. I could have been anemic when all the bleeding started, which could have changed things.
• I am thankful that Dr. Banks was able to quickly identify the cause of the bleeding {retained placenta} and remove all remaining pieces. I am also thankful that she took extra precautions, as she was convinced the D&C wasn't going to be enough {and she was right}. 
• I am thankful that Dr. Pong was available and willing to be "on-call" when Dr. Dani called him. He was ready and waiting for me when I started bleeding again, so I was able to go into that second procedure as quickly as possible. There was no lag time.
• Mike had a hard time getting ahold of someone after the ambulance took me. My aunt {who was our on-call person when Aiden was born} usually turns her phone off at night, especially when all of her kids are home {which they were that night}, but she "just happened" to leave it on. She was able to get to the house {along with Mike's mom} to be there when the twins woke up so that Mike could head to the hospital.
• Our kiddos had no idea all this happened. Eli and Maddie were sleeping and got to wake up to Granny and my aunt {people who had already taken care of them and people they have lots of fun with}, and Aiden got to hang out with Daddy and Aunt Lindsay in the hospital. They all rolled with the punches and did really well.
• I am thankful for the prayers that were lifted up on my behalf. All the prayer chains were running, and I know the Lord answered countless prayers.
• I am thankful for all of our family who stepped in to help. For Mike's mom who was able to get to Eli and Maddie before they woke up. For my parents who were able to make the trip up and get to them by that afternoon. For Lindsay, who was able to hold and comfort Aiden, as well as keep Mike distracted and calm. 
• I am thankful for my husband, who held us all together in a crisis. He doesn't usually get rattled, and usually goes into "take charge" mode, so I shouldn't be surprised. But I am thankful the Lord kept him calm and clear headed to manage all the details on that scary day. 

Looking Forward

One of the conversations I remember having in between procedures is about whether or not we were done having kids. It was a brief conversation while I was in and out of consciousness, but I do remember having it. The second procedure was more of a permanent fix {metal coils}, but it would leave my uterus compromised. So I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again. And at the time, we were looking at the possibility of a full hysterectomy. We could have opted for a temporary fix {gel coils}, but they were recommending the metal coils. We have given all of our embryos a chance at life, and we knew we wouldn't adopt any more embryos. So we had no plans of getting pregnant again, and the answer was easy to give. But it has still been hard for me to process the finality of that. I guess there was always that small part of me that wanted to hold out hope that God would do that crazy miracle of our own genetic child after all was said and done... but while the finality of not being pregnant again is hard {especially since it was given in such a quick, emergency situation}, I am thankful there is finality to it. I don't have to have that thought in the back of my mind, that "but what if...?" There's a peace in that answer, and I am thankful for it, even if it is hard and a little sad.

I had my follow up with the doctor, and all checks out well. My lifting restrictions were removed, and physically, I am back to normal. I shouldn't experience any other complications related to that day, and there is even a small chance that the procedure could help my endometriosis {a random benefit}. I am not allowed to get pregnant, but my cycles should be normal, and there should be no chance of recurrence. 

I do believe that not being able to pump/nurse for so long that day is what started my struggles with plugged ducts and ultimately mastitis. And given all that my body had been through, just simply being 3 weeks postpartum and then the trauma of that day, it was just too much to recover. I am sad that our breastfeeding journey came to a quick end {especially since it was going so well!}, but I am super thankful that Aiden transitioned so well. It's not the story I wanted, but it was the one the Lord had written for us.

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Sorry for the long and detailed post. Like I said, I want to have a record of that day and all the Lord has done. While I am physically ok, I am still dealing with the emotional fallout of that day. I had a moment while I was waiting for the paramedics to arrive where I felt the fear of possibly dying. And then to later have the doctor confirm how close I actually was to dying...it's a lot to take in. I am sure the Lord has a lot to show me still. But for now, I am just filled with gratitude for how Jesus spared my life.

So Long, Sherrye

Today we loaded the moving truck and said goodbye to our second home. {You can read our goodbye to our first home here}.

For us, Sherrye was a fresh start. After closing our church, losing a job, and walking through the loss of a genetic family, we desperately needed some time to heal. We didn't know what the Lord had for us next, so we needed a place where we could figure that out. A temporary stopping place.

Mike and I have reflected on how the Lord has been so gracious to us in each of our housing situations. So it was no surprise when Sherrye was a blessing from the start. We put out the feelers that we were looking for a place closer to Woodcreek, as we had decided to move back to the church where we had met to be close to family and community while we processed through life. Some friends from the 20s group reached out and everything just fell into place.

We have been so grateful for the Sherrye house. You never know how renting from friends will turn out, but we never had to worry about that with J&T. They have been super gracious from day one, and we were just glad to be the chosen stewards for their home while they lived abroad. We hope and pray that we were able to be at least a fraction of the blessing to them as they have been to us.

This home didn't come with creaky floors or crazy rodents {thankfully!}, but as an older home, it still came with its own charm. But I like to think it got us prepared to be homeowners :)  

While we were trying to figure out what the Lord had for us in this season, we found this home to be a safe haven. We have been closer to family and community, and it has allowed us to seek the healing we so desperately needed. While we would still face more questions, loss, and heartache, this home will always hold a special place in our hearts, because Sherrye is where we brought our babies home.

Some of the great memories in this home...

• Getting re-connected with our church family at Woodcreek
• Being closer to family, enjoying lots of cousin time
• Celebrating 5 years of marriage to my best friend, deepening our relationship through the Re | Engage study, and remember that fun year of dates?
• Getting to set up a nursery and take maternity photos {which I love, since we got to take engagement photos in our Leland house}
• Bringing our precious babies home and surviving the first year with twins :)
• Celebrating our first Christmas as a family of 4
• Learning to lean on and trust the Lord through miscarriage, crazy health issues, job and ministry changes

Despite our plans for a temporary stopping place, Sherrye was home to us for almost 3 years. It was never our plan to stay long term, but we will forever be grateful for the opportunity we had to live, heal, and grow in this place. We are excited about diving into our new home and community, but we know that it would not have been possible without the blessing of this Sherrye home.

The Heartbreak {and Hope} of the Cross

Good Friday.

Today we celebrate the cross and all that it means for our faith. Good Friday holds a special place in my heart, of course because of the spiritual implications, but also because I can vividly remember the first Good Friday that the Lord began tugging at my heart, even as a young child.

Growing up, we used to always spend Good Friday with family. All of my aunts, uncles, and cousins would meet at my grandparents' house for the traditional Good Friday meal: albondigas {salmon meatballs...I promise, they're good!} and capirotada {Mexican bread pudding}. We would then all pile into cars and head over to my grandparents' church to attend the annual Good Friday play, where members of the church would act out the passion of the Christ. It was always loud and intense, and I was often afraid of the shouting crowds, and the thunder and earthquake noises that came at the time of the Jesus actor's death.

We did this every year. But one particular year {before my parents and I had even become believers, so around age 7 or 8}, I remember being so overwhelmed by the production. After the play concluded {which ended after the burial of Jesus}, they always sang the song Were You There, When They Crucified My Lord? by candlelight. If I'm honest, it was always a little haunting. 

This particular year, I started sobbing uncontrollably; I can remember it so vividly. I remember repeating over and over through my tears, "But He didn't do anything wrong!" My dad asked me why I was so upset, and I remember telling him that I didn't understand why Jesus had to die. He didn't do anything wrong; why would they kill him? My little heart was literally breaking over it. 

That moment has stuck with me some 20+ years later. While I didn't truly understand the fulness of the gospel yet, it was as though I understood in that moment that it wasn't just a play, but that this actually happened 2,000 years ago. That a man named Jesus suffered and died for the sins of the world. That it was God's plan for His Son to suffer and die for the mean crowds that killed Him, even though He didn't do anything wrong. And I just was so overwhelmed by the immensity of it all. 

A short time later, the Lord did connect the dots for me, drawing me into a relationship with Him. As I reflect back on that Good Friday, I often ask myself if I still feel that overwhelmed by the cross, like I did as a young child. How often does my heart break over my sin and the immensity of God's love poured out for me that day? Is my heart still overwhelmed by the fact that Jesus died for my sins, even though He wasn't the one who did anything wrong?

As an adult, I now understand why He was crucified and why He had to die for my sins. My sin absolutely should tear me up inside, and I should take the time on Good Friday {and more often} to reflect on the immensity of God's love and wrath poured out that day. But I also understand now that Friday wasn't the end of the story. The church ended the play after Jesus' death and burial...but the resurrection was coming!

The heartbreak that was felt that Friday and the heartbreak I should feel over my sin was nailed to the cross and buried with Christ. But the cross always points to hope because of the resurrection. And I praise God that Friday wasn't the end of the story. Instead of death and heartbreak and sorrow, life and hope and redemption are the end of the story, because Sunday is coming!

Though You Slay Me

I feel like all I do these days is come before the Lord broken and weary. I beg and plead with Him to answer this prayer or that, and I feel too often like my faith is running on empty.

We all know that this life just doesn't always work out the way we want it to. And when you walk through a season that seems to turn into a constant beating, it's enough to make even the strongest and most faithful question God's goodness. I feel like I have been in that season for a really long time. I post on my blog about the good things because they do happen, but I am also desperately trying to see the light for the darkness. 

If you have followed my blog for any number of time, you know that the Lord uses music to encourage my heart and/or get my attention sometimes. I came across this song from Shane & Shane, and I couldn't make it through the first verse without becoming a blubbering mess. These words are so hard for me to sing right now, but that doesn't make them any less true. And I desperately want to believe them with all of my being. The beauty and grace comes from knowing that despite my lack of faith, my God is still working, still comforting, still pursuing. I may not be able to see it, but He is still good.

Whether or not I believe it right now, He is all that I need. He is enough for me. Father, forgive me for believing otherwise.

I come, God, I come

Return to the Lord

The one who's broken

The one who's torn me apart

You strike down to bind me up

You say You do it all in love

That I might know You in Your suffering

Though You slay me

Yet I will praise You

Though You take from me

I will bless Your name

Though you ruin me

Still I will worship

Sing a song to the One who's all I need

My heart and flesh may fail

The earth below give way

But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord

Lifted high on that day

Behold, the Lamb that was slain

And I'll know every tear was worth it all

Though you slay me

Yet I will praise You

Though You take from me

I will bless Your name

Though you ruin me

Still I will worship

Sing a song to the One who's all I need

Though tonight I'm crying out

Let this cup pass from me now

You're still more than I need

You're enough for me

You're enough for me

Though You slay me

Yet I will praise You

Though You take from me

I will bless your name

Though you ruin me

Still I will worship

Sing a song to the One who's all I need

Sing a song to the One who's all I need

Waiting

I feel like my life has become a perpetual state of waiting. 

Whether it's waiting for the Lord to reveal the next steps for us in ministry or family, I feel as though I have become a professional waiter. Wait for God's leading. Wait for God's timing. Wait for the test results. Wait for God to reveal His plan. Wait for a baby. Wait for God to provide. Wait for a cure. Wait for an answer to prayer. Wait for the job offer. Wait to hear His voice.

Some days, it feels like all I do is wait. 

And quite frankly, I'm not so great at it. I am super impatient, and I get so sick of waiting. Waiting can be hard, annoying, frustrating, stressful, exhausting. Who has the time to wait?? I want what I want, and I want it now  :) 

But waiting is just a part of life and particularly, by God's design, the life of a believer. Our biblical forefathers only knew waiting, as they waited in patient hope for the Messiah. And even after Jesus came, the church now waits with eager expectation for His return. I think that waiting a few months or years is difficult; I can't imagine waiting decades and centuries!

It's in waiting that we learn a dependency on the Lord, an appreciation for His perfect plan, and a maturing of our faith. And praise Jesus that He doesn't give me everything that I want now. If I was always given what I wanted in the moment, I would have missed out on either a) something better altogether, or b) the intimacy with the Lord that develops in times of waiting. 

As a follower of Jesus, I will be asked to wait on the Lord throughout my life, and I should be grateful for the times He asks me to wait. Because the wait time is not purposeless. The Lord means to use every second of my wait to draw me closer to Him. It's way too easy to focus my attention on the thing for which I am waiting, rather than focusing my attention on Him. Am I really waiting on the Lord {truly seeking to understand Him more fully, know Him more deeply}, or am I just waiting for the thing He can give me? 

So while I am terrible not always good at it, I am learning the value of waiting. In it, I am learning to put my trust in Him, putting to the test whether I truly believe Him at His word. Waiting reminds me that He is in control {and I most certainly am not!}. My impatience shows me that He is working to root out self-reliance and instead focus my faith and hope in Him. Waiting also gives God time to work; there's more that He is doing than I can see right now. It helps build my perseverance, character, and faith. And my waiting is a precious reminder of God's patience and long-suffering toward me.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" - Psalm 27:14  

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry." - Psalm 40:1

"Be still, and know that I am God." - Psalm 46:10 

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken." - Psalm 62:5-6 

"...they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

"The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." - Lamentations 3:25-26 

We may not ever know the specific reason we have to wait, but I am so thankful that He never asks us to wait without Him.

When God Gives You a "No"

 

I came across this quote yesterday, and I really felt like it was fitting for where we are right now. This summer has been really busy and somewhat difficult in a number of ways. Don't get me wrong; we have seen a lot of encouraging things through our church plant. We have seen a lot of spiritual growth in individual members, and we are excited about the months ahead as we settle back into our normal rhythms for the fall and gear up for a possible launch in the winter. And God has been faithful {as He always is} to provide for us.

 

But it feels like we have been in a season of hearing "no" which has really started to wear on both of us. Whether it was not the answers we wanted to hear about insurance/medication cost, Mike's job not yielding the results that we feel match his efforts, or me battling sickness off and on that has resulted in more "not well" days than "well" ones...it has just been a difficult few months on a personal level.

 

We were talking this week about how we know the right things to say to ourselves: God works all things out for our good. He has a better plan for us than we have for ourselves. He will provide. He just wants our faithful obedience. But in seasons like these, it is really hard to believe those things to be true. We know they are, but for some reason the encouragement that comes from those truths takes a little longer to fill and nourish our souls.

 

Through the frustration and the disappointment, Mike has really led us well in still giving praise to Jesus for who He is and how He takes care of us. We may not understand the how or why behind the "no's" but it's important for us to continue reminding ourselves of the above truths. Just because they are harder to see/believe in the midst of our circumstances doesn't make them any less true. God is still good.

 

Today, I take comfort in the above quote. I say "thank you, Jesus" for knowing what's best for us and protecting us from less than that.

 

High Five for Friday!

{one} Tuesday night's Bible study was such an encouragement to my heart. One, because we had 8 women studying the Word in our living room. Remember when there were only 2 or 3?? And two, because of the discussion and study itself. This week we were in Exodus 13-14, specifically where the nation of Israel comes to the Red Sea and the Lord shows His mighty hand by rescuing the people from the hands of the Egyptians. We see that the Lord determines from the outset to take His people on the "scenic route" to the Promised Land, for their good and His glory. One of the application questions that really hit home was "Have you ever been taken on the 'scenic route' by God before seeing His promises fulfilled? How would your understanding of His character and promises have been different if He had taken you by the shortest route?" I often feel I am on the 'scenic route,' wondering what God is doing. And yet the intimacy of learning more of the character of my God through those times is so sweet. I am so thankful He allows me to see glimpses of His plans, ever encouraging me along my journey closer to His heart.

{two} Last night was our last in the summer series of Faith & Culture: Where is God in Natural Disasters? Mike does such a great job talking through these topics, helping us understand our cultural moment and how our faith fits into all of it. We had our best turnout yet, and we are excited to continue these sessions through the Fall. It's a great way for believers to come together and think critically, as well as bring the gospel to the public square {literally}.

  

{three} My mom emailed me this week and told me she had a coupon for a purse at DSW and that I had no choice but to pick one out. Since I wasn't allowed to say no to this sweet gift, I got to choose a new purse for the fall. How fun is that?? She said that since the boys get to go hunting, we get to buy purses :)

source

{four} So we are enjoying a high of 90 and a low of 64. In August. In Texas. While I am sad that we're getting closer to leaving the warmer summer days, the cooler weather has been a nice change of pace from the triple digit temps. And it's a reminder of the changing seasons and the coming of Fall!

{five} Tonight I am looking forward to hanging out with our sweet neighbors, as we enjoy dinner and watch the second half of the History Channel's Bible series together. And tomorrow morning I get to have breakfast with Laura. Thank you, Lord for sweet friends and times to catch up!

Ebenezer Stones

Mike mentioned that he would like to keep track of ways that the Lord provides for us. I try to blog and keep a written record of the ways the Lord provides, but we wanted to be sure that over the years, we can pinpoint specific events. It is not only a good way for us to see the hand of God moving in our marriage and family, but also to have tangible encouragement for when things are hard.

One of my favorite hymns is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." There is a line in the second verse "Here I raise mine Ebenezer, hither by they help I'm come" that is taken from a passage in 1 Samuel 7. The Israelites had walked in disobedience for a long time, but under the leadership of Samuel repented and turned their hearts back to the Lord. When their commitment was tested by an attack by the Philistines, they cried out to God and He answered them. Samuel placed a large stone in that place, a public monument to God's help, faithfulness, and everlasting covenant. It was a visible reminder to all who passed by of judgment and repentance, mercy and restoration, grace and provision.

"Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—'the stone of help'—for he said, 'Up to this point the Lord has helped us!'" ~ 1 Samuel 7:12, NLT

So we decided to begin recording our own family "Ebenezer Stones." We will record our monuments to God's faithfulness in a family journal, but we will also begin collecting actual stones as our visual representation. For now, we will collect them in this basket, but over the years, I hope to collect enough to create our own rock garden.

Samuel knew how forgetful the people were. At Ebenezer, the Israelites could stand in front of the large stone and remind themselves of the incredibly faithful God they served. We are just as forgetful, so Mike and I want to be able to stand next to our collection of stones and remind ourselves of God's incredible faithfulness and provision.

High Five for Friday!

It's Friday!

{one} Today is Day 60 in our Pray nine3eight campaign. We have been so blessed by the countless people lifting us up in prayer. We have seen God's faithfulness, and we are excited to see what He does in the next 40 days!

{two} This morning I woke up early with a lot on my mind. Nothing terrible, just thinking through some current struggles. The Lord was gracious to prod me to spend time with Him instead of lay in bed worrying. This morning's study was from Genesis, when God called Abram to leave his home {comforts/family/friends} to settle in the land that God would show him {unknown/no specifics/total leap of faith}. I was struck by Abram's faith to obey God's calling without question. I was also struck by God's faithfulness to fulfill what He had promised, despite all obstacles (including Abram's unrighteousness). I struggle a lot with worry and having enough faith to obey without question. But I am so thankful for a God who is faithful to fulfill His promises in spite of me.

 

{three} Ya'll. I have a confession to make. Mike and I are addicted to Duck Dynasty. The show is SO funny and silly! Uncle Si is my favorite :)

source: aetv.com

I bought season 1 for Mike for Valentine's Day and we have been making our way through all of the episodes. I also pre-ordered season 2 for him, and that should ship soon since season 3 just started. It definitely makes me happy, happy, happy! :)

{four} Tomorrow I am going to get my haircut. Normally that would not be newsworthy, except that I have not had a haircut since July. JULY. That's beyond ridiculous. But in my defense, I had to cancel my appointment in November (which I realize is still a long time between haircuts...life gets busy, what can I say?) because of a Crohn's flare up (though I didn't know that's what it was at the time). Then my symptoms just got worse, I ended up in the hospital, Christmas rolled around, I forgot about it, etc. etc. To say that a haircut is long overdue is an understatement. But I am definitely looking forward to finally getting one tomorrow!

{five} I miss Dr Pepper. That is all.

Have a great weekend! :)

All For You

Learning to fully surrender and trust God is really hard for me. I can't tell you why; I have seen God's provision over and over in my life. He has never given me a reason to doubt Him; if anything, He has proven His faithfulness countless times. So why is it so hard for me to really let go?

It's always something. The desire for a plan. The need to control the plan. Insecurities. Fears. Some of them unnecessary; some of them slowly realized. I want to live a surrendered life, I really do. But letting go is hard. Because to truly surrender means letting go of it all. Everything. The plan, the worries, the insecurities, the fears, the hopes, the dreams.

It's not going to happen overnight, but I want to experience the true life He offers. The life I know is abundant and good. The life I know I can't find if I hold on to the securities and plans I have made for myself. I'm praying for a heart of surrender. I'm asking God to help me let go and fully trust Him.

Nothing compares to
Life I have in You
Nothing of this world satisfies
So, I want to let go
I want to let You know
All that I have to give is Yours

Here I am 
As gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place
Lord, I have come ready for Your touch

It's all for You (x2)
I'm letting go (x2)

What is it in me
That hangs on for so long
Why do I fight the tears that come?
I work so hard to
Keep in control when
All that I want is to let go


Here I am 
As gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place
Lord, I have come ready for Your touch

It's all for You (x2)
I'm letting go (x2)


I'll take this life
And lay it down
I'm letting go (x2)
My hopes and dreams
Here at Your feet
I'm letting go (x)

And I'm ready for Your life
And I am ready for You now

Forever Reign

Mike is preparing to preach on Sunday, and in preparation has suggested that we listen to the song "Forever Reign" on repeat. So that's what I did this morning. And in the stillness of the morning, the Lord reminded me of His incredible grace. The riches of His love will always be enough. And He is more than I can every say...

I actually listened to this cover by Hannah Ramos. I went to high school with this beautiful girl, and she is using her gift of music to praise Jesus and bless others. She has a really cool story. I remember when she got sick and didn't think she would sing again. It is so encouraging and such a a blessing to see old friends love, pursue, and be used by Jesus. Thank you Hannah for leading me in worship to our Savior.

You are good You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love You are love
On display for all to see
You are light You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life You are life
In You death has lost it's sting

Oh I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
No other Name
Jesus
Jesus

My Hope is Built

I really enjoy the quiet and stillness of the early morning hours. There's just something calming and fulfilling about being awake before the rest of the world around me. It's why I like to go for a run and have my quiet time in the mornings. I love waking up on my own before the alarm goes off. And I love sitting outside with a cup of coffee and the Word. Of course, I'm not always good about being super disciplined with these things, because I also really enjoy my sleep :) But when I get to bed on time, get a good night's rest, the weather cooperates, the sun is up at a decent time, and I have enough time to fit in a run and time with the Lord before work...it's perfect.

This morning the Lord woke me up before my alarm. I have blogged a few times about these early morning wake up calls, all from the Lord. I will be honest- sometimes they are unwelcome (did I mention that I like my sleep?) But I realized this morning what a blessing these wake up calls are. For me, they reassure me of His presence. Sometimes amidst the craziness of life, it's hard for to "feel" the Lord sometimes; meaning, at times it can feel like I am talking to the wind, just going through the motions, trying to feel close to Jesus. In the stillness of the morning, I can feel Him. I know that He is there, that He is near.

A lot of times, the Lord will wake me up early a) to convict my heart of sin (don't like those wake up calls as much haha), b) to have me pray for someone specific, or c) to place a song on my heart. This morning was a song :)

It's an oldie but a goodie:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus' name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Not gonna lie; slightly scared for what's ahead that the Lord would place this song on my heart now (knowing I will probably need it haha). But what an incredible and beautiful gift from Jesus.

Draw Near

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you..." ~James 4:8a

I know I highlight this verse a lot. It quite possibly could be my favorite verse. Every time I read it, I am reminded of such simple yet profound truths. The truth that I serve a God that is approachable. The truth that He desires to be in relationship with me. The truth that there is action required on my part to develop and nurture that relationship.

For the summer, I have chosen to walk through a study on the Sermon on the Mount. I listened to the intro podcast this morning and was reminded of what a privilege it is for us to even be able to draw near to our God. I lose sight of that too often. I neglect it. I take it for granted. I forget what an incredible gift it is for me to approach and be in relationship with such a holy God.

Reading Jesus' longest recorded message, we see that the crowds were drawn to Him. Though it was mostly a selfish and superficial draw (Jesus had begun healing people), the people nonetheless could approach the Son of God without fear. This is significant because the last time God spoke from a mountain (Moses on Mount Sinai to receive the Law), the experience was marked by thunder, lightening, fear, and trembling. While it is healthy and holy to maintain a similar sense of reverence before the God of the universe, Matthew highlights the incredible reality of an approachable God. This experience is marked instead by a still, small voice. A voice with just as much authority and power over our lives, but a voice that draws in those who believe and desire to walk with Him.

Jesus allows us open access to God; He alone has allowed us the privilege of being able to "draw near to God." What a difference the coming of Messiah makes for us to draw near to a holy God.

The Lord's Provision

Have you ever experienced the Lord's provision in such an unmistakable way that it leaves you half speechless, half giddy with joy as you look back over all that He has done? In recent weeks I have experienced the unfolding of His gracious and abundant provision in a way I have not experienced it before. Not because He hasn't provided in miraculous and wonderful ways before; because He most certainly has. But because of where I am today, I could actually recognize it for what it is.

I wish I felt this way {meaning "half speechless, half giddy with joy"} about everything the Lord provides. But sadly, I have to confess that my sinful heart is usually in a place where I blind myself to the Lord's blessings. Too often, I find that my selfish heart loses sight of and even grows dull to how incredible and generous His blessings truly are.I am constantly on my knees asking Him to forgive my wayward heart. And the graciousness of my God offers forgiveness. And He offers blessings like this, where He allows me to see just that much more of His good character and love for me.

So what is this amazing provision blessing?

When Mike and I got married and moved to McKinney, we made the decision for me to keep my job so that we could pursue the Lord's calling to plant a church. In many ways, we can see the Lord's provision in my current job. From how the Lord knew before we were even dating that we would need this job so we could make that transition, to the blessing of an incredible boss who allowed me to adjust my work schedule to accommodate the commute (see The Boss Man).

It became evident very quickly that the new work hours and the new commute were going to be tough. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me or that I handled the transition like a pro. Confession: I literally cried to and from work every day for months. Pathetic, I know. But it was a really hard transition for me. To defend my girliness a little, it was definitely a combination of the new schedule and transitioning away from friends and our church family. Many days it felt as though work consumed my life, and it seemed as though there was no end in sight. I knew this was what I had signed up for and did my best to lean on Jesus as I tried to adjust. The past few months have certainly been a growing experience for my walk with Jesus. But admittedly, it was difficult to have half of my life still in Dallas, when I really wanted (and needed) to be in McKinney.

When I reached a seeming breaking point a couple months ago and told Mike how I was really feeling, we began praying for the Lord to provide a new job closer to home. Now you have to understand what that meant for me. While I was desperate to shorten my commute and wake up at a normal time again, the idea of searching for another job was terrifying for me. Given my past job searches, I was not as eager as you would think to begin the whole process of resumes, job searches, and interviews. I literally prayed that the Lord would drop a job in my lap. There was a part of me that figured I would have to eventually put forth the effort in the search process, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I focused on taking one day at a time, working on being content with where He had me. And I just prayed and waited...

As I look back over all that the Lord has done, I see {His fingerprints} everywhere.

When Mike first moved to McKinney {before we got married}, he received an email from a guy named Eric. Some family members of his (who live in East Texas) had visited Woodcreek on the same Sunday we announced that Mike would be leaving and that we would be moving to McKinney after our wedding to pursue church planting. Eric's relatives knew he lived in McKinney, so they brought back the bulletin and mentioned that we would be new in the area. So Eric emailed Mike to introduce himself, and a great {friendship} began :) Over the past few months, Mike and Eric have grown closer, and we have spent time getting to know the sweet Kuykendalls.

When Mike mentioned to Eric that we were praying for a new job closer to home, Eric offered to pass along my resume to {his connections} in McKinney. One of his connections through family and church relationships is the VP at a community bank that is headquartered in McKinney. This VP, Mr. B, had recently lost his executive assistant. She had been out on maternity leave, and due to {a change in circumstances}, she decided not to return to the position to stay home with her baby. This left Mr. B {in need of a new assistant}.

In the meantime, the Lord has granted Mike favor at {Starbucks} as he develops relationships with his co-workers and customers. A couple of the customers he sees on a regular basis are Mr. B, and more often {Mr. B's wife}. A few weeks ago, the conversation came up that we were praying for the Lord to provide a new job. Knowing we were in McKinney to plant a church, she went home and told her husband that he should hire "Mike from Starbucks' " wife. When he asked what Mike's last name was, he connected that I was the one whose {resume he had received from Eric}. Kind of fun, right?

Mr. B emailed me on Feb 9.
We spoke over the phone Feb 11.
I met him for a face-to-face interview Feb 20.
I interviewed with another executive at the bank Feb 27.
I received an offer Feb 29.

It has taken {20 days} to see this process from beginning to end. The Lord answered my prayer and {literally dropped this job in my lap}. I didn't have to search it out; He brought it to me. No [fill in the blank job search].com. No endless job searches or applications. No awkward networking functions. No rejections. Just the sovereignty and fingerprints of a holy and good God.

I {start in 2 weeks}. The Lord even worked out the timing and announcement of my transition with my boss and client. My boss couldn't be more supportive. As sad as it is to leave this place, he sees the bigger picture of how the Lord is working. I couldn't have asked for a better reaction from my client. While she is also sad to see me go, she has provided an amazing amount of support and encouragement as well.

And as though the way He brought the job about isn't enough, his blessings just continue to overflow with regard to the job itself....while I couldn't have imagined working for anyone other than the amazing Mr. D, the Lord has provided yet another God-fearing boss. {Mr. B loves Jesus}. He knows that we are in McKinney to plant a church and he is supportive of that calling. The company itself was named to the list of the 2011 "{Top 100 places to Work in Dallas-Fort Worth}." They have an amazing family work environment, all the while encouraging their employees to be involved in the community. Even though the position itself is not in insurance, many of my {job duties at my current job have prepared me} for the job. Even though I will take a pay cut to accept this position, the salary amount the Lord provided is way higher than is reasonably acceptable to expect, given the job and the fact that I am moving industries. The {amount we will save in gas and oil changes} alone is just another the way the Lord provides good things to His children. I get to switch my schedule to {normal working bank hours}! And did I mention that my office will be {1.1 miles from our house}?? No more 4:45 wake up time. No more commute. I can get back into my morning quiet time routine. I can actually have time (and be hungry) for breakfast. Blessings. Incredible abundant blessings.

And so today I am basking in the glow of God's incredible and generous provision. I want to remember this day and all of the details of how the Lord provided for us. I want to remember this incredible and good gift that came only by His hand. I want to remember how He confirmed (again) the calling He has given to me and Mike to be here in McKinney. He alone deserves all glory and honor and praise! :)