We recently watched the Daniel Tiger episode about family trees. We had seen it before, but this was the first time that Eli and Maddie seemed to understand it more, and they immediately started asking if we could make their family tree. We have talked with them about their origins since they were born, sharing with them their unique story of embryo adoption. But of course, we have only shared what we feel like they can understand, and even then we aren't sure what their little brains process.
They know they are adopted, which to them, at this age, means they were wanted and loved and prayed for; Mommy and Daddy picked them out {I'm still working on that terminology, as I don't want them to feel like a product we picked in the store...but again, we're trying to use terms they understand right now}. They know that they were frozen as itty bitty embryos, waiting for Mommy and Daddy to meet them. We have books that we read that talk about baby seeds, or even cupcake ingredients, to help explain embryo donation and adoption.
They know that Mommy and Daddy wanted a baby to grow our family, but that we needed help from doctors and another family for that to happen. We have talked about the basics of how the doctor put Eli and Maddie and Aiden into Mommy's belly, and that they grew there until we got to meet them and say hello. We don't talk about it every day, but the goal is that they always know their story, that they can't ever pinpoint a specific time that we told them, but rather, that they just always knew.
But beyond telling them that a very generous and sweet donor family helped Mommy and Daddy, we haven't talked about the specifics of their genetic family {names, relationships, etc}. So when they asked to make their own family tree, I knew it was time to get more specific. I sketched a rough family tree {so no judgment on execution haha}, and I still need to work on how we want to represent both their genetic and adoptive families. But I told them the names of their genetic family, the fact that they have another brother and sister, and I re-emphasized how generous and kind they were to help Mommy and Daddy.
I have blocked out names for anonymity...obviously :)
I have to say that I was a little nervous about this. Not because I'm nervous about them knowing their genetic family; I earnestly pray that the Lord allows them to meet and have a relationship with them one day. But because I feel so nervous about getting it right. I worry about saying the wrong things, confusing them, or not adequately creating a space where they feel comfortable sharing their true feelings. Part of that comes from reading stories from donor conceived persons; and that's a whole other post for another day. But I am trying to learn what I can from this community, while also keeping in mind that the children of embryo adoption are just now becoming adults {so experiences may be shared, but could be different}. There is a lot of gross misconduct in the fertility/donor conception world, with practically zero accountability, and unfortunately it's the children that suffer. So there is understandably a lot of pain. And the last thing I would want to do is cause my kiddos' unnecessary pain.
So I listen and learn and pray. And try to push past the uncomfortable and the nerves to answer questions and have the hard conversations, avoiding the temptation to gloss over or de-emphasize any part of their story. We recognize that their origins will always be a part of who they are and may help shape who they become, but we pray that they each ultimately find their identity securely in Christ alone.
For today, they were content with having a picture to hang on the fridge, and repeat the names of their genetic family. And that was it. No others questions. They really just wanted the drawing of their family tree like Daniel Tiger :) But the conversation is started, and we continue sharing, explaining, helping as much as we can. We do truly believe {and know, based on our correspondence with their genetic family, and of course our own feelings haha}, that our kiddos are deeply loved and wanted. And nothing will every change that.
