Laura Says I Have Ladders

So, my amazing friend Laura says I have ladders when it comes to guys. Here is the Ladder Theory:

 

"The first thing to notice here is that a woman has not one, but two ladders. This is becasue in addition to the normal ladder, a woman also has a friends ladder. The friends ladder is where a woman puts guys that she considers "just friends". The problem arises because a woman never lets a guy know which ladder he is on. Obviously there is a huge difference, or gap, between these two ladders. All a man can do is "go for it" and make a move on a girl; ask her out, try to kiss her, write her a love note, or whatever. If he's on the good ladder fine. If he is on the friends ladder this is a case of ladder jumping. The man is trying to jump the gap from the friends ladder to the real ladder. The girl has two choices at this point: she can let him on the ladder and all is well, or, more likely, she can kick him in the head, and off the ladder. If you look you'll see that below the ladder is the Abyss (what was it Nietzsche said about a man being on a rope stretched over an Abyss?....well it's worse than he thought; there is no rope.) So the man falls into the Abyss. The Abyss isn't really as bad as it sounds. Mostly it's a period of self-loathing, embarrassment, and of course utter awkwardness with the girl in question if they are talking at all."

 

LOLOLOLOL. I laugh...but sadly, I have to admit that I have ladders. I really don't try to be mean to guys, and I try to give the right ones a chance...but I won't every understand the ladder-jumping. My brain just can't wrap itself around that idea. That's the reason for 2 ladders...it's not polite to force your way onto a ladder you were not assigned. Haha. And in my defense...I have never kicked a guy in the head, and I never create the awkwardness afterwards or stop talking to the guy; he does that all on his own.

 

P.S. The song from Carrie Underwood is HILARIOUS. I really do love my dog :)

 

 

Currently Listening: The More Boys I Meet, by Carrie Underwood (Carnival Ride)

Praise Be to God Great Things He Has Done!

So I have been in my apartment for a couple of weeks now. I still cannot believe that I am finally here, that this time has finally come to be. I am working, in the real world, on my own...It is hard to even begin to describe all that God has done for me in the past few weeks. When God chose to answer, He chose to answer! Everything happened in the matter of a week and it was such a whirlwind of events.

Monday October 22nd: I decided to look again on the Baylor career website. When I got there, I found a posting for an event coordinator job. I sent off my resume like I had so many times before (I literally had to stop counting after 300...) and forgot about it, not really expecting anything to come of it (as usual). That same afternoon I got a phone call asking me if I would be interested in an interview. They wanted to see me pretty quickly and the only day I had off that week was Tuesday. So, Monday night, I hopped in the car and drove to Waco and stayed with a sweet friend who let me crash at her place on the spur of the moment.

Tuesday October 23rd: I drove the rest of the way to Dallas where I had my interview. I loved it! It was a normal interview with normal questions. (I had had some really weird ones throughout the course of my interviewing, let me tell ya) I met the owner and the current event coordinator whose position I was interviewing for. They were so great! I loved the company and the job description. I left the interview feeling pretty good about it. I still tried not to get my hopes up, and yet I felt something stirring in my heart about this one.

Wednesday October 24th: The owner called me and offered me the event coordinator position. Of course, I was SUPER excited, but I still asked for some time to pray about it (I tried to play it cool, but it was really hard. When you wait as long as I did, it takes everything in you not to scream "Hell, YES!" into the phone. I knew this was where God wanted me, but my flesh was still struggling with how low the salary was. I hate that it always comes down to money. But I had been slashing my salary expectations all summer and even after I cut my budget down to the bare minimum, this position still offered $4000 below that threshold. LOL. I laugh because it's hilarious. If you could only know...But I felt as though God was asking me to take the step of faith. I laughed at Him too. He didn't find it very funny.

Thursday October 25th: So I accepted the job. When I called my new boss to tell her the news she was really excited but not the least bit surprised. She knew that I needed to pray about it and hear the confirmation from God, but she knew I would take the job because Jesus had told her to offer it to me. She was confident He wouldn't have told me something different from what He told her.

Friday October 26th: I put in my 2 weeks notice and thought I would start the process of moving. But of course God's plan was different than mine. Because of work and fulfilling commitments, I wasn't able to go up to Dallas until a couple of days before my first day of work. So I had to pack a suitcase and just go without having a place to live. I stayed with my aunt, so I wasn't on the streets, but this would not have been typical Erin-plan. Instead, God was continuing to test my patience and my faith. I had to trust He would provide something soon.

Part of me hated how quickly everything happened, not because it was happening, but because I had no time to prepare for it! That's sounds ridiculous, I know, but I wasn't quite in a rational state of mind at that point anyway. LOL. God completely rocked my world and wouldn't let me take the Erin-plan of carefully planning out every move. I was not in control of my circumstances yet again. And this is where it gets exciting. There was another part of me (a new part of me that I have never seen before) that knew everything would work out and that I had nothing to worry about. To people who know me well...you should close your mouth now, because I swear it's true.

So 2 weeks later, I packed my suitcase, stayed with my aunt for my 1st week of work, and God was faithful to provide an amazing apartment (right price, right location, right safety, etc.)

God has been so faithful, and it has been incredible to see His love and provision in my life. Many people faithfully prayed for my job search; I cannot express in words how thankful I am for each of them. God hears the prayers of His children and answers in awesome ways! I could not have made it through this summer without all of the prayers, encouragement, and love from so many people.

It was quite a journey. I have grown so much over the last few months. I wish I could have learned some of the lessons I needed to in an easier way, but if I am honest with myself, I would say that God knew best that this is how I needed to learn. I had some hard lessons to learn; I was stretched in so many painful ways. So many people walked with me in varying ways during some dark times. There were too many times I doubted God's goodness, doubted His master plan for me. But I can now say that I have come out on the other side of the storm a better person. I have been beaten, bruised, humbled, corrected, forgiven, shaped, and purified. God used my difficult circumstances to mold me even more into the image of His Son; and knowing that result, I would not change the past few months for anything. The things that break us are the things that make us stronger.

After months of waiting, months of silence, months of hurt, fear, disappointment, confusion, etc…God chose to let me in on a piece of His plan for me. When God says His timing is not ours, it is so true! Haha. So now I am working for a company that I find new ways to love every day. I am their new Event Coordinator (yay!). I am responsible for all logistics and execution of national youth success seminars. We help kids learn how to succeed in life, to follow their dreams, to learn the life skills they don't teach in classrooms. So far, I love every minute of my job, and I am really trying to soak in all that God has done for me.

Not too long ago, I had a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and I never thought this day would come. And yet here I am, setting up my Christmas tree in my new apartment (one of my pleas to God was that I would be settled by Christmas). I have started this whole new life in a matter of days, and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me. The hard times aren't over. Taking this job was a step of faith in more ways than one. But no matter what I may face, I know I can trust Him. I know that He has good things planned for me…even if they are not what my finite mind can conceive. God's ways are better than my ways. He is good and faithful. Praise be to God, great things He has done!

Answer to Prayers!!

I cannot even begin to describe all that the Lord has done for me! I promise to update with all of the news...I am still reaping all of His blessings and trying to get settled. God has generously provided in so many ways and it's all I can do to shout from the rooftops, "How GREAT is my God!!!"

 

It all started October 22nd...

I'm Still Here...

...and I'm still waiting...

Mondays

Everyday it gets harder and harder to hold it together. That sounds so depressing and melodramatic…I don’t mean it to be. I’m just trying to be honest with my feelings. My mom has recently started asking me the question, “what set you off this time?” I wish there was some way I could explain to her that there is nothing in particular that “sets me off.” There is no trigger. It’s just the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day still living in my parents’ house, still jobless, still having no prospects. It’s the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day having to hit the pavement searching for a job…again. It’s the mere fact that I have woken up to a new day still drowning in God’s silence. I think she thinks that at some point, I will just get over this down time and just be ok. Unfortunately, the more days that go by, the worse it gets.

 

I hate even voicing these feelings. They don’t sound like me at all. I’ve lost so much of who I thought I was. Or at least it seems as though I have. I had never really considered myself an extremely prideful person…but any sort of pride I did have has been stripped away. I fear that my discouragement is now eating away at any ounce of confidence I thought I had. I doubt everything about myself now. Am I really good at something? Was I ever really good at anything or was I just lucky? Does hard work really count for anything except a good grade and a few extra ulcers? Am I really going to succeed? Is there really a good plan for my life? Do I really have what it takes? Because everything around me is screaming NO!

 

I pray. I pray a lot. I pray hard. I pray alone. I pray with others. I pray quietly. I pray loudly. I ask God questions. I ask Him for certain things. I offer Him my heart. I give Him a piece of my mind. I scream at Him a lot. I sit silently before His throne. I strain to hear even the faintest whisper. I cry. I plead. I try to have faith. I desperately look for ways to increase my faith. I desperately look for things to encourage, inspire, and provide hope. And there is still deafening silence in return. I’ve lost my pride. I’ve lost my confidence. I’ve lost my drive to achieve. Oh, I know I will get those things back eventually. I just fear how long it will be until those things return to a healthy level, and I fear the irreparable damage it is doing to my heart along the way.

 

Nobody likes Mondays. But this summer has forced me to look at Mondays in a new way. Most people dread Mondays (as did I) because it means the start of another week. It means going back to work/class after a nice restful and work/class-free weekend. It means responsibility and effort. It means facing deadlines, meetings, and craziness. Mondays are generally hated the world-over. But I hate Mondays now for a different reason. I hate Mondays because it is the start of another week, yes, but another week without a job. In a very sick way, I have to admit that I envy everyone getting up and going to work. I wish I was facing responsibility and effort again. I long for deadlines, meetings, and craziness again.

 

People (and the Bible too) say you are supposed to be content where you are. You are supposed to praise Him despite your circumstances. I agree with that. Even if I don't like it, I have to agree with it because that's what God's Word says. But what does that really look like, in real life? Does that mean that you just get over down times and be ok? Does that mean that you walk around with a smile on your face all the time? Does that mean that you sing praise and happy songs to Him when what you really feel like doing is crying your eyes out and screaming at Him? And what happens if you don't do those things? Are you sinning? Are you missing the point? Are you getting it all wrong? It might seem like it. But what do you do when you ask for wisdom and you don't get it? What do you do when you ask God to guide you and He doesn't? What do you do when you want to do God's will, you just aren't getting any indication of what that might be? What do you do when you feel unsettled where you are, but have surrendered to Him nonetheless, and He still doesn't answer you? What happens when you have your hands wide open, ready to go and do whatever wherever, but He doesn't tell you where to go or what to do? What do you do when you seek Him with all of your heart and He still remains hidden and silent?