November is National Adoption Month, so of course I am going to talk about Embryo Adoption! It's near and dear to our hearts, and the way the Lord chose to bring us our Eli and Maddie.
I shared
several facts last year, and obviously I share a lot of our story here
on this blog. We are huge fans of this amazing option to build a family, and we are forever grateful to our precious donors, for the decision they made to donate their embryos. So today, on Embryo Donation/Adoption Awareness Day, I wanted to specifically highlight the donors that make this option available.
Our Donors
We have a semi-open relationship with our donors. For us, that means that all communication with our donors goes through our agency. These terms were agreed upon at the time we signed our contract. They are open to more direct contact in the future, but for now, they were most comfortable with our current arrangement.
Our communication has been limited up to this point, mostly just letting them know about our transfer, our positive pregnancy test, and when Eli and Maddie were born. We haven't really had any need yet for any more contact, as all of the children {Eli and Maddie have 2 genetic siblings} are still very young. As they grow up, and as we share their story with them, we anticipate there might be questions, and so we are thankful we have the opportunity to have contact with the genetic family.
Our donors told us that donating their remaining embryos was the easiest decision they made in the entire fertility treatment process. I absolutely love their hearts to want to help another couple who had walked through the heartaches of infertility. They were so excited for us when we found out we were pregnant with twins, and they even sent a sweet gift basket when Eli and Maddie were born!
But donating embryos is not that easy for everyone; many of the donors that I have spoken to have expressed the struggle over the decision to donate. Donors walk through so much to get their embryos, so to part with them is a difficult decision.
How to Donate
There are a number of ways that a couple can donate their embryos. We were matched with our donors through an agency. Our donors worked with our agency to find the match with which they felt most comfortable, and the agency facilitated the process, along with all legal aspects of the donation. Once contracts were signed, the agency helped us arrange the shipment of the embryos to our clinic. All aspects of the donation were facilitated by the agency.
Many clinics facilitate embryo donation {though not all}. A lot of times, these donations are anonymous, but not always. Some clinics allow outside donations, which means that they accept embryos from another clinic {like ours did}, but some clinics only allow donations within their clinics {so among their own patients}. Some clinics provide the legal aspects of the donation, some require you to find your own lawyers.
Others choose to find recipients through private donation. There are embryo donation websites that host profiles, but families essentially match on their own. Families walk through the donation process by finding their own match, their own lawyers, their own shipping partner {if necessary}. While there is a lot of personal legwork, it can be an inexpensive option for the recipient.
There should not be any fees involved for the donors. All fees are usually paid by the recipients. Donors have already spent the money for the IVF process, and many have paid storage fees for their remaining embryos, which in some instances can be reimbursed by the recipient family, depending on the agreed upon arrangements. However, donors CANNOT receive payment for the embryos; it is illegal to sell embryos. All fees and costs associated with embryos are related to legal contracts, FDA testing, shipping, etc.
The Decision to Donate
Many couples who walk through IVF are not even aware that donating their embryos is an option. If they do have remaining embryos after their family is complete, many keep them frozen indefinitely, unsure what to do with them. The other options are to destroy them or donate them to science.
After so much struggle, heartache, expense to create the embryos, I would imagine that, for some couples, the decision to donate can be a difficult one. There are the concerns and "weirdness" of having your genetic children out there somewhere. What kind of relationship {if any} should we have with the recipient family? What will resultant children think? What will my own children think?
Some donors choose to donate anonymously. They provide a gift to another family, but desire not to have any contact or relationship with them. In this scenario, they can know if any babies were born from the donation, but they don't usually know anything else beyond that. Other donors choose to have a semi-open relationship. This is the scenario that we have with Eli and Maddie's genetic family. Contact is limited, and usually facilitated by another third party {agency or clinic}. Basic information is shared, but personal contact information is not. And still other donors choose a completely open relationship, where all information is shared, and families know each other's children. I have seen beautiful relationships in all of these scenarios.
While I cannot personally relate with the decision to donate {as I am a recipient}, I can say that I think it's a brave and generous decision. To allow your embryos to have a chance at life with another family who understands the heartaches of infertility is an incredibly selfless decision. There are definitely big questions to answer on what relationships could/will look like. But whether a donor chooses anonymous, semi-open, or fully open donation, they provide a beautiful gift to a waiting family. Without donors, there would be no embryo adoption, and we would not have Eli and Maddie. It's a gift for which my family will forever be grateful.
