Nothing Else I Need

Things have gotten worse with Michael, and I think I got played. And I can't tell you how angry that makes me. I am so angry right now, I can't cry. I even tried to and couldn't. Because, yes, I am hurt. There's nothing to really describe the hurt and disappointment that I am feeling right now. But I can't get past the anger. I am so upset I just don't think he is worth my tears. Of course, I don't mean that in my heart of hearts. He's my brother, of course he's worth it. But he's not deserving of my tears at the moment. Even more than how I feel about it, my heart is breaking for my mom. She just sat and cried on the phone today, and it killed me that I wasn't there to give her a hug. And I couldn't help but think that I got played. He sat across the table from me at EZ's and lied straight to my face. He made me feel sorry for him, made me want to side with him. He played me like a fiddle...

 

I am just trying to understand. A friend asked me today what I think it was that is causing him to do all of this. Right. Like I know. The only thing that remotely makes sense is that he's on crack. He's not, by the way, at least as far as I know...but yeah. I have no idea what the heck he is thinking or what is really wrong with him. Well, I do know that he is not walking with God. Despite what he told me about his relationship with God being fine. It's far from fine. I have known that things have not been fine for a year. But part of the problem is that he thinks things are ok. I just have this unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach that things are going to get worse before they get better...my family is going through an intense spiritual battle.

 

There is so much going on right now. I went from bored to a lot going on...go figure. Being busy doesn't bother me; I actually do better when I am busy. There have just been a lot of things on my mind- stresses, if you will. I'm actually proud of myself on how I have been handling it- no major freak outs so far. But it has been somewhat draining emotionally. Family stuff, friend issues, boys (particularly the lack of...haha), job search, finances, what I am doing with my life...you know, the usual. It has just been draining. And of course, as always (because he's awesome like that), God gave me an encouraging word. A song by Jeremy Camp, to be exact. And it pretty much speaks for itself:

 

When I think of all I've seen nothing
Compares to what you give
And to drink of what you bring you quench
The thirst for me to live
I am satisfied by what tenderness you've
Shown to me and I empty all that I am

And you fill my life you're everything to me
There's nothing else I need anymore
And I know you are everything to me and
There's nothing else I need anymore

I have tasted and I know this fire birthed
Inside will only grow and I've sought all that
This world tried to offer me and it lead me
To your feet and I empty all that I am

And you fill my life you're everything to me
There's nothing else I need anymore
And I know you are everything to me and
There's nothing else I need anymore

I will lay down all my needs and you will
Come and make them new
To make you my only desire my desire

And you fill my life you're everything to me
And you fill my life you're everything to me
There's nothing else I need anymore
And I know you are everything to me and
There's nothing else I need anymore
There's nothing else I need...

 

He's everything to me. And there is nothing  else I need anymore. I don't need family and friend life to be perfect. I don't need a boy. I don't need that perfect job. I don't need anything but Him. He's everything  to me...

 

 

Currently Listening: Nothing Else I Need, by Jeremy Camp (Restored)