For the past couple of years, I have taken some time on this day to remember our babies in heaven. It is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, so it's fitting to pause and remember the sweet ones we lost too soon. These sweet babies, lost during pregnancy or soon after birth, are affectionately called "Angel Babies."
A few months ago, I was having a conversation with a couple of women, and the subject of miscarriage came up, as one of the women had recently had one. We talked about how it is more common than most people think, realizing that each of us had experienced this loss. One of the women, knowing our story, turned to me and asked, "you have lost, what? Six?" And I quietly corrected her and said "seven."
Seven.
We have lost seven babies. I knew how many we had lost, but for some reason, it really hit me in that moment. Actually saying it out loud in conversation just seemed to register an extra twinge of grief in my heart. That was seven babies we had hoped and prayed for and wanted, but never got to meet. Seven little lives that we loved and wanted to parent, but for some reason that only Jesus knows, we had to say goodbye before we even really got to say hello.
Now I understand that many of our losses were very early, and would probably not even be considered actual miscarriages by most people. We lost some of our embryos to the thawing process and some just did not implant {so therefore we didn't actually get pregnant, at least not long enough to register on a beta test}. But since we believe that life begins at conception, we believe each tiny embryo was a unique life. So the loss was just the same for us.
It was comforting for me to name each of the embryos that we lost. We did not have our embryos tested for gender, so the names were chosen for their meaning or significance to us. I think about these little ones often, wondering who they would have been. And I find comfort in knowing that Jesus now holds them in His arms.
So if you would allow me the space to name each of our sweet angel babies here, I would appreciate it...
Jack. This little one was affectionately named {along with Jill} by one of Mike's mentors who had been relentlessly petitioning the Lord on our behalf. Since we transferred 2 embryos, he had been lovingly referring to the 2 tiny embryos as Jack and Jill. Jack was frozen for 8 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. We did not get the joy of a positive pregnancy test.
Jill. This little one was affectionately named {along with Jack} by one of Mike's mentors who had been relentlessly petitioning the Lord on our behalf. Since we transferred 2 embryos, he had been lovingly referring to the 2 tiny embryos as Jack and Jill. Jill was frozen for 8 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. We did not get the joy of a positive pregnancy test.
Amy. Means "dearly loved." Amy was frozen for 8 years, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. Unfortunately this tiny one did not survive the thawing process, and therefore did not make it to transfer day.
Noah. Means "rest or peace." Noah was frozen for 8 years, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. This tiny one held on for an extra day after thawing, but did not quite make it to transfer day.
Annie. Means "blessed with grace." We were indeed blessed with grace of this tiny life, even if it was for a short time. This name is our reminder that we are showered with grace from the Lord, and we will still bless his name, even if there is pain in our offering. Annie was frozen for 8.5 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. This tiny one snuggled in tight to confirm a pregnancy test, but unfortunately I miscarried a short time later.
Hope. Named because of the hope and joy we felt when we found out we were pregnant. This name is our reminder that our felt hope and joy may have been taken in the moment, in the specific circumstance, but that our ultimate hope and joy in Jesus can never be taken. Hope was frozen for 8.5 years before transfer date, and was part of the first genetic family who donated their embryos to us. This tiny one snuggled in tight to confirm a pregnancy test, but unfortunately I miscarried a short time later.
Connor. Means "much wanted." This little one WAS much wanted, and would have been a full genetic sibling to Eli, Maddie, and Aiden {part of the second genetic family who donated their embryos to us}. Connor was frozen for 8.5 years before transfer date; unfortunately, we did not get the joy of a positive pregnancy test.
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"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
~ Psalm 139:16
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