Because our embryos have taken SO long to ship, I had to go in for a repeat hysteroscopy to make sure that my endometriosis had not returned, which would delay a transfer. The first hysteroscopy was done while I was under anesthesia for my surgery, but this one was done in the doctor's office.
For those who have walked the road of infertility, you know that these tests/procedures can be brutal. I survived this one, but it was incredibly painful. Because the doctor is inside your uterus with a camera, it induces cramping. And my uterus doesn't take kindly to cramping. I tried to relax and endure the pain, but I definitely had to let her know how uncomfortable I was, and I came close to passing out.
I don't say that to scare anyone, but hopefully to prepare them. Some women don't feel a thing. But if you're like me, just be prepared. Take the recommended ibuprofen beforehand {I can't have ibuprofen, so I was stuck with acetaminophen...which for me is not super effective on cramping}, take deep breaths, and just keep reminding yourself that you're doing this for your babies.
The good news is that my uterus is still clear and ready for a transfer! It was definitely the best news we had received in awhile, and I may have cried from just sheer gratitude. I half expected for her to tell me I needed more surgery, simply because everything else has seemed to go wrong in the past 2 months. Today I was reminded that God is still listening to our prayers, still holding our hand through this long process. And I really needed to be reminded of that today.
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I have tried to limit the expression of my frustrations here on this blog. Partly because it doesn't help anything, and partly because I am ashamed of how angry I have allowed myself to become at times. This process has been incredibly frustrating, and we have had to fight for joy, fight for forgiveness, fight for grace. And I'm just confessing right now that I have lost a lot in that fight. I hear the words "oh ye, of little faith" constantly in the back of my head, because I am just so exhausted and unsure of why the Lord is allowing this to be so hard.
But I will keep fighting. While I have my words with the Lord and don't understand His plans sometimes, I don't want these circumstances to change my view of who He is. I may not always feel it, but He is good, despite what's happening right now. He is in control, He does have a good plan, and He will be glorified regardless of the outcome.
I pray for faith like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who had no doubt God could deliver them from their pain, and yet refused to stop worshiping the True God, even if He didn't {Daniel 3}. I don't want to doubt the Lord's hand in these frustrating circumstances, and I want to be able to still fall to my knees in worship of Him, even if He chooses not to provide a baby at the end of this process. It is most definitely a fight right now; and I am thankful I do not have to fight it alone.
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