Haha yep. Yesterday I cried about cake. Not just an "oh, that's sad [wet eyes]" kinda cry. Oh no. It was a full out, can't control the tears from spilling over, girl cry. What sparked the tears was sad (our freezer stopped working and so we have to throw everything in it away...including the top of our wedding cake). I had worked diligently to ensure all the right details were in place for the saving of the cake- from specific instructions to my maid of honor to having to convince Mike that the tradition was worth giving up 3/4 of our freezer space for an entire year so that we could eat gross cake. And now we have to throw it away (I say we still have to because it's still in there- I can't bring myself to do it yet haha), and all the hopes of a sweet 1-year anniversary tradition are lost.
What should have just been a sad tear or two over the loss of a sweet sentiment, turned into a "I am crying because we lost the cake, now I'm frustrated with myself because I can't stop crying about cake" steady flow of tears.
Sigh. Poor Mike.
Of course, he was sweet and amazing about the whole thing. Instead of pointing out how utterly ridiculous I was being, he wrapped me in his arms and told me it was going to be alright. And even after I kept insisting I was ok (as tears were streaming down my face), he made me admit that the whole thing stunk, but lovingly reminded me it was still going to be alright. He pointed out that perhaps we were going to get really sick from eating year-old cake, and because our freezer stopped working we will now avoid that. Haha- sweet practical husband :)
While I am mourning the loss of our cake, I am reminded of how little I am in control of things. For a girl who likes to control her little world, that's not a fun thing to realize or admit. While I can intellectually tell myself that I am not in control, I still tend to practically try to control things.
Something I realized this morning was how out of control I have felt in the last few weeks. In adjusting to our new life- being married, moving away from our church family, new work schedules, new routines (mainly lack of routines)- I have felt completely out of sorts. It has been difficult for me to figure out a good routine for, well, pretty much everything. Exercise, time with the Lord, time with friends, sleep, etc. I am so used to order and schedule, and to some extent need it to stay focused and disciplined. I had planned to be in a better routine by now. But with so much being so new and so unsettled...
...well, that's when you end up crying about cake. :)
The Lord reminded me this morning of Proverbs 16:9-
"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
I realize that it's a bit of a silly leap from Proverbs to cake. But that's how gracious my God is- to take the time to use the little, silly things to remind me of His character and His truth. And the fact of the matter is...I wasn't crying about the cake. Ok. I was only partly crying about the cake. But I was mostly crying because I couldn't control it. That despite all of my diligent efforts, things didn't work out as planned. Funny how cake can become so profound...
There are going to be countless more things that I can't control. And I need to remind myself that I am not supposed to control them anyway. I'm supposed to walk faithfully in obedience to the Lord, allowing Him to be in control. I know I have a lot to learn in this season of disarray and lack of routine. I know it's good and necessary for me to release that need for control. He has a bigger plan than any of my own diligent efforts (however well intentioned they may be) could ever even hope to attain.
I want to be able to look back on this day and be able to laugh at myself. Erin, you cried about cake :) But when something more earth shattering comes along, I want to remember that I'm not in control and that God is. And not only is that ok, it's the way it's supposed to be.
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