It Has Been Awhile...Be Prepared for a Long One

So I have officially been a Baylor alum for 52 days now. That sentence sounds a lot more exciting than it really has been. Being Baylor alumni is great. I have finished the academic era of my life, and that is no small feat. I am proud to say that I am finished with school, and I really like the fact that I will more than likely never study a textbook or write a term paper again in my life. And that’s a really nice feeling.      

 

But with 52 days of being an alum, that means 52 days (and counting) without a job.  

 

The last 52 days have been some of the most frustrating I have faced. We’re never happy are we? I couldn’t wait for school to end because I was so frustrated with it. And now that it is done, this new place is even worse. I have never been so out of my element, so lost or confused in my entire life. I can say with no reservation that I am completely miserable. I have nothing to be excited about, nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work toward, no goal to achieve. Nothing to do, no appointments to keep. I know God has a plan. I know He will provide a job. I have to believe it. I have to hold on to that, because that’s all I have right now. It’s the only thing that wakes me up in the morning. But what happens until then? What do I do with myself in the mean time? What is my role in God’s preparation? How much do I do? And how long will He keep me here? I am begging Him not to keep me here long. I feel like I am losing my mind.

 

I count the days, which go by so slowly because of my lack of things to do. The days turn into weeks, and, oh my God, they are now starting to turn into months. All of my job options have run out (yet again), and so I am starting over (yet again). I can’t even begin to describe the emptiness and the panic that are beginning to fill my heart. I can do nothing else but cling to the cliché verse that He has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me, that He has plans for a hope and a future. This place of emptiness and defeat is a scary place to be. To be brutally honest, it is hard to praise Him in this dark place. I have found myself forcing the words of praise songs, in hopes that if I say them enough times, I might begin to believe the words again. I just keep saying His promises out loud, hoping I will really be encouraged by them sometime soon.

 

It’s hard to accept that God’s answers are a mystery to me right now. Other people seem so sure about their prayers for me…like they receive answers from God that I don’t. That seems strange to me, but at the same time it is encouraging, because I do have people interceding for me. I guess it's better than nothing to have other people receiving answers they are confident of, even if I am not. I just have to continue practicing obedience and wait. I loathe every minute of the waiting, but I am waiting nonetheless. I don’t doubt that God has something perfect waiting for me at the end of all of this. I just don’t understand the waiting; I don't understand what I am supposed to be doing in the mean time. I wasn’t built to sit and do nothing. So as far as my finite and sinful brain can comprehend, it feels like a cruel joke to create me a certain way only to make me “suffer” in this very way. I know that sounds stupid and overdramatic. Reading it out loud, I can’t help but think how ridiculous it is. But that’s how lost and confused I am, I guess.

 

And so I keep praying and seeking God. It may not sound like it, but I really am trying to find and trust God in all of this. I am just not ok right now, no matter how much I want to be...no matter how much other people want me to be. And I don’t know how to get back to that point of being "ok" right now. I am ashamed to admit how much I am struggling with faith so much in this storm. Not my Faith (the core of who I am, who God has created me to be), but faith- trusting God outside of what I am experiencing. But God says He can work with faith as small as a mustard seed. I am desperately asking Him to use what tiny bit of faith I have right now. I am asking Him to grow and multiply it.

 

God knows where I am. He knows how I feel. He knows what I am going through; He knows what is really going on. I know He hears my heart’s cries. I know that He is even crying and hurting with me. He is working right now to bring me where He wants me. He is working to mold my heart to be more like Him. He has a purpose and a plan. I just pray that He delivers me from this dark place soon. I pray that He gives me the strength to hold on, the power to trust Him. I pray that He doesn’t forget me in this place. I am praying that He can still use me as broken as I am. I am praying that I can learn how to thank Him even where I am. God has given me another song to speak to my heart, as He is always faithful to do:

 

It's a fear that keeps me wide awake

In the middle of the night

When the expectations are too great

And the bar gets raised too high

So I do the best with what I've got

And hope that no one knows

That I strain to see how high I can

Try to stand on these toes

Until I'm measured, but You know better

 

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when you see us just as we are

Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when the pieces are broken and small

Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind

Thank You, even then

 

So I put aside the masquerade

And admit that I am not okay

Which may not be the thing to say

But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when you see us just as we are

Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be

So, thank You, Jesus

Even when the pieces are broken and small

Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind

Thank You, even then

We raise the standard and try to reach You

But we'll never make it, and we don't need to

 

My dad said something to me yesterday that really hit me. It’s embarrassing how I seem to miss simple things like this all the time. He said that while I have to wait and it’s hard and it hurts, it is a blessing in disguise to even have the opportunity to wait and really search for the “perfect” job. He is so right. I hadn’t really thought of it that way. How self-absorbed can I be? And so I thank my Heavenly Father for the generous and amazing blessing that I get to wait. Only my God and Savior would be that good to me.

 

 

Currently Listening: Even Then, by Nichole Nordeman (Woven & Spun)