So my
poor little brain has been doing a lot of thinking in the past week or so. Of
course, there is the thinking involved in the massive amounts of studying I do.
What else is new. And then there is the thinking involved in my future, what I
am going to do with my life, life-altering decisions, God's will...the hard
stuff. I was really excited about the whole consulting thing...it sounded like
a great opportunity and involved a lot of things that I know I would like. And
yet there was something in the back of my mind that kept bothering me about the
whole thing. I couldn't really put my finger on it. Oh, but my dad was able to.
My dad is good at that. I feel like every major decision I make has to go
through dad first. Not for permission...but for approval, confirmation,
encouragement, direction. He always has fatherly words of wisdom to impart and
this time was no exception.
I was going on and on
about all the "wonderful and exciting opportunities." He listened,
agreed, and then said, "That does
sound great! The only thing that is missing from all of that is event planning.
I think consulting with this company would be a great fit for the right
person." That got me thinking. He and I talked about it, and we came to
the conclusion that I don't need to be trying to figure out my next 30 years
right now. haha. The truth is that I really do want to pursue this event
planning thing. I am loving
my internship at Pendley, and I feel like I have the skills and
talents needed for a career in that industry. And I know I would love it. It is the one job I
can think of that I would actually enjoy doing every day. It is really the only
thing that even interests me at this point in my life. So why have I been
fighting it so much?
I have always been a
disciplined person. I have always been the over-achiever, the one with high
aspirations and goals, the one who gives 110% in everything she does. The one
who is "going places" (lol- whatever the heck that means). I have
always been sure of myself, confident, had specific plans for my life. I thrive
in school because there is an attainable goal for me. There is something to
work toward. In high school, it made even more sense to work hard at achieving
good grades so that I could get into Baylor and get scholarships to
go to and stay there. I achieved that, and did so with
excellence (that's not meant to brag on myself, just prove the point of my
thought process/logic in all of this). In college, working hard to achieve good
grades makes sense so that I can keep my scholarships, and build up my resume
for a job after graduation. But that's where I run into the roadblock. When I
came to Baylor, I had all kinds of goals to become this amazing business woman,
be the CEO of some major corporation. But over the course of my years here, I
have come to realize that that is not where I want, or need, to be anymore.
Or at least, not in the same way or intensity as when I started here. If all
that happens, that's great; but it's not what I am working toward any more.
So
that is the snag- I have nothing to work toward anymore. And I am so lost. It's like I
can't function! I mean, I still have some goals. I worked hard to make it into
the BEST program. I set a goal for myself, I worked hard toward it, and I
attained it. I am still working hard for good grades- it's what I am good at,
it's what I know what to do. My goal is to graduate with a 4.0 (so I can get a
cool medallion from Baylor- haha). But then what? Graduation is quickly
approaching, and I don't know what to attain after that. Again, there is
nothing left to work toward. Because the things I thought I wanted, I just
don't anymore. There are other goals, or things I would like to achieve...but I
can't really attain them by my own effort. It's pretty much dependent on God
and other people. I have no control. And God has clearly told me that I have to
continue waiting, be content with where He has me, and do everything I can
to honor, glorify, and serve Him in my present circumstances. So what do I do
in the meantime, when I don't have any goals that are actually attainable
through my typical hard work and discipline?
Sure, if I pursue
this event planning thing, I will have to work toward that. But I wondered
earlier why I have been fighting that so much. It's because I somehow let
someone put it in my mind that it's not a "real" job. It doesn't make
sense to me to have worked so hard all of my life to "just end up planning
things." It's not a job that pays well, at least not in my first
entry-level years (it takes awhile to work up to the point of high-end return).
I have always been a responsible, independent person, so I can't help but think about how
I am going to be able to support myself. And I am just not seeing how it's
possible on an entry-level event planner's salary (if I even get a salary...it
will most likely be a wage). I am not looking for a life of luxury; I just want
to be able to support myself and pay my bills without having to worry- rent,
food, insurance, school loans...it's overwhelming to think about. And I
honestly am starting to doubt myself. I don't know if I can do it and that
scares the crap out of me. And really, how does planning an event advance God's
kingdom? I'm afraid it doesn't. Blast. I just run myself in circles when I
think too much. I have not forgotten or put aside the goals involved in my walk
with Christ...those are all alive and well and what I am hard core pursuing
right now...maybe that's the point of all of this. I have nothing else material
to work toward- God has taken all of that away so that working toward taking
steps in my spiritual journey is all I have left...
My dad was so good to
reminded me that I needed to choose something based on the desires of my heart,
the things I enjoy doing, not just something that will pay the bills. Otherwise
I will be miserable. And he is absolutely right- I know I would be miserable as
a consultant because it's not what I would enjoy doing. And I have to be
reminded- And my God will
meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil.
4:19). I am relying too much on my own abilities- my discipline, my
hard work, my responsibility, my independence- me, me, me. Blah. God is the one
who will meet all of my needs. He is the one I need to trust. Here I go again
trying to trust in myself instead. Sigh.
It's not a matter of what I can do; it's solely a matter of what God can do
through me. I should probably clarify that the one thing I am sure about is
that God has called me to use my gifts and talents in the business world. I
have been called to serve Christ in business. I have not received a clear
calling on a specific area in business, but feel God is calling me to live out
my faith amongst unbelieving business people. So that can be done in event
planning too. It's just the over-analyzing that gets me running in circles...
On another little
side note...I hate this world and really can't stand being in it anymore.
That's not a depression/suicide statement. It's me not being content here,
wanting to just be with my Savior and rid of everything in this world. I was
watching the news this morning and it depressed me. I think I may just have to
stop watching it. Studying Romans and about the downward spiral of sin to
depravity has just opened my eyes to how ugly our world really is. It makes me
sick to my stomach and I really just don't want to be here any more...It's hard
because I just want to live life, love God, grow closer to Him, love people,
bring them closer to Him. It's not that I can't do those things now; it's that
I feel so confined in having to do it according to the world's set of rules.
Meaning, I still have to work, I still have to survive and support myself. And
that's what I hate. I am just sick of all the worldy pressures to achieve and
succeed. Do this, do that....do good in school, get a college degree, get a
good job, be a productive member of society, find the perfect person to spend
the rest of your life with, take good care of your family, etc. These things
aren't bad- they all fit into God's plan and will for us. I just feel like
these things become the focus, rather than the product of a life spent serving
Christ. It's doubly hard because these characteristics of achievement and
responsibility are innate in my own character. God can (and does) use those
characteristics for His glory; that is how I strive to serve Him. This probably
isn't making much sense on paper...it does in my mind, though, so don't worry.